Its February! aka Black People Month!

Okay, so the title isn't exactly 'PC' but being PC is overrated, and not exactly...um...anything on this site is 'PC', so deal with it. bitches.

i.love.february.

And you know who didn't go to jail because its black month and shits not kosher? Lil Wayne.

And you know who I have a wall dedicated to? Lil Wayne.

And you know who doesn't have a nice crustache but does have nice dreads and pjs (oh hey burberry!)? Lil Wayne.

And you know who does have a nice crustache?

My homeboy Michael Jordan. He was definitely my 1st crush. Heck yes I was about staches when I was 7.

I was born with aspirations people.

This might be the best picture of all time. What's so perfect about it? The man clearly was born to sell Coca-Cola. And play basketball. Which one does he do better? Well I'm refilling my cup of Coca-Cola Classic right now, so theres that.

The shirt. It looks like one of those vacation shirts that change in the sunlight, and who doesn't look fashionable in those? Well I can't speak for you, but me and MJ (not to be confused with Michael Jackson) certainly do. And even though those Nike shorts look like they could out-constrict an anaconda, he seems comfortable in his sports attire, so hats off to him.

And whats actually the best thing about this photo is how very much it reminds me of Garth in Reebok:

"It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad."

Just a quick shout-out to Garth for completing my life, ereday.

Before I start professing my love to all things of the Garth-persuasion, lets get back to Black month.

Here is a not-so-nice crustache, but its okay cause Jagged-Edge, 'Where The Party At?' is my jam. Puhleze, its everyones jam. Spread some Skippy on it and the party is wherever you are, my friend.

This picture is the dopest thing to come out of Philadelphia since TastyKakes. And possibly the epitome of the 'crustache'.

But, oh wait guys. There is a winner today, and this winner has moves so smooth you'd think he'd have shaved. Not a chance in hell.

Carlton Banks. Carlton Banks

I would never leave you guys without this moment of glory:

-bruiser

An Ode to a Mexican Pimp

aka Anthony Quinn (1915-2001)

So a little Wikipedia digging, and I came up with 15 reasons why everyone should love AQuinn and why hes the biggest pimp of all time. OFALLTIME.

1. He has this nice stache in Lawrence of Arabia:

2. He was born in Chihuahua, Chihuahua, Mexico

2.5 [I would say he has a nice tan, but since hes mexican it doesnt count]

3. He looks scottish (maybes its the tweed hat/beard combo? see picture above)

4. His mother was of Aztec ancestry and his father of Irish-Mexican ancestry

5. He used to box professionally

6. He played Zeus on tv (I mean, hell-er)

7. Just dropped by Gotti's criminal trial, probs to chat. Old wiki says:

he wanted to portray Castellano, who inspired the actor because he had had a "thirty-year-old" mistress, which Quinn believed was "a beautiful thing."

...And there that is. Now on to the bigpimpin

8. Had 5 children with 1st wife (1937-1965)

9. Had 3 children with 2nd wife (1966-1997) [thats 8 kids]

10. Had two other kids at sometime in the 70s [I don't blame him, it was the 70s]

11. Divorced 2nd wife cause he had a lovechild with his secretary at 78 years old

12. Had another child at 81 years old [thats a total of 12 kids people!]

13. Proceeded to marry said slutty secretary in 1997

14. Thats a grand total of 57 years difference between the oldest and youngest child. YOWZA!!

Finally,

15. Look at him in his pinstripe suit, smoking his pipe and being prepared with that gun behind his newspaper (that means hes educated&shit). And dont forget the stache. Dont ever forget the stache. It has POWER-STACHE written all over it!

-bruiser

Happy Stache-Day!!!

Today, February 14th, is Hollywood's day of conception (21 years ago!). Some of you may also recognize it as "Valentine's Day." People shorten it to V-Day, but why bother? Just cut to the chase and call it VD, cause thats what half of you are going to get tonight. Apologies for the bleak turn, but here's the point: we're looking out for you. How should you lovely ladies and gents avoid VD this Hollywood's conception day? CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE FOR STACHES.

Just FYI, the 'St.' in 'St. Valentine' does not stand for 'Saint' like we have all learned. It stands for 'Stache' and therefore February 14th should be called Stache Day.

See? Check out how sexy cupid is with a stache:

No qualms. Who doesn't love a stache? And what stache doesn't need some good-ol' lovin' every now and then? Today, tell a stache that you love them. Send them a card, and a comb. A stache will never break-up with you, never forget his wallet, and NEVER try to cuddle with you against your flavor-saving will.

Just watch out for the others fawning over your stache of interest. Hey, don't blame the stache, its just irresistable.

Continuing our ponderance of the attraction of VD, wtf is up with Sweethearts? They taste like shit and say nothing romantic at all. It is perhaps, the creepiest way of telling someone you care. Stalking is more romantic.

So me and my money-making mind have come up with this gem of a product to show the stache of your dreams how you feel.

Sweetstaches? Sugarstache? The name is a work in progress, but its the general idea of a candy with a message on it, just Avagadro's number cooler. Which means its dope.

What mustached man doesn't want to receive these from his lady?!? I do and I don't even have one! (shhh, don't tell).

There are even candies especially for the egotistical stache! Slightly rude and rough around the edges, a mustache's greatest turn-on.

And for those shy mustaches that need encouragement, the complimentary stache! These lines will not let you down on Stache Day. Go ahead ladies and gents, send these gems to your favorite facial hair, you will thank me later.

So for all you romantics out there, here's a song to you and your love (which I hope to Stache Valentine is facial-haired in some way).

<3hollywood&bruiser

Stache-atory Rape

[Editors Note: Brace yourself for our guest blogger Dr. Stache Miser. He genuinely has respect for nothing and will become violent if provoked. I would alert the authorities (i.e. the fine men of Reno) but I would also fear for the safety of their God-given gifts known as moustaches. So we will let the Liger run free, waxing off bad staches from fugly faces via POWER-STACHE and little asian women he keeps in his Pokédex]

It is pretty obvious we are all about the stache around here, but don't be fooled. Only the best of the best make it past our gates. Some flavor savors just don't make the cut.

Take Orlando Bloom here as an example. Are you even old enough to grow facial hair, Orlando? Who are you trying to fool? Pull that fake shit off, pussy. We all know it is glued on.



Another mustache we don't want anything to do with is Brad Pitt's inglorious bastardization of this fabulous facial hair. Look at how it evokes no power whatsoever. It is small and timid. How is this flaccid stache ever going to please anybody? I will tell you right now, it's not.

Listen, Brad, just because you snagged Angelina Jolie doesn't mean you can go around looking like this without anyone noticing.




Another huge blemish on the face of ultimate-stachery is the infamous pedo-stache:

"Hey little boy, I got candy and puppies."
This monstrosity doesn't say "masculine" so much as it is a warning sign to all. If you see anyone with a stache like this, call the proper authorities immediately.



Finally, let us end this post with the ANTI-STACHE. Yes, that's right, the soul patch. This crime is usually committed by the freshly-graduated population. It is a last stand against "the man" these disillusioned yuppies have in their arsenal. They display it around the office as if to say, "Yes, I have a job and I am still young and hip." Unfortunately, it only makes them look like a douche bag. In order to stand up to "the man," you've got to be A MAN first.



In conclusion, be wary fellow stache affectionados. Don't look like these people.


-Dr. Stache Miser

NEVER wary around GARY

Typically I'm into tall, dark, and scary...but this guy makes me re-think short, pink, and hairy!
Say hello to (conveniently named) GARY! He is the most delightful part of the super-friendly, kind of makes you want to vom but still eat, 'Honey Bunches of Oats (with pecans)' commercial. The cereal people were right about one claim: there is now a prize INSIDE the prize. And no, I don't give a FUCK about the pecans, but I do give lots of fucks about Gary.

Once you get past the helmet and shower cap/hair net (which I personally think is a GREAT look), you can dig THAT STACHE: trimmed, perfect shape, consistent color. Not to mention the fact that this beaut sits gently atop Gary's top-lip-less smile, one of the most endearing features of ALL TIME, which hasn't been rocked properly since Marcia Brady (pre-drug use).

In conclusion, Gary, I salute your stache...sha-wing! Your tamed whiskers are truly the prize within 'Honey Bunches of Oats.'

<3hollywood