Why I Actually Love Brett Kiesel's Beard

Remember Brett Kiesel's beard and its epic awesomeness?  Pretend not to be surprised when I tell you that I don't love it for what it actually is - I'm not loving the beard for the beard's sake.

Take a good long look at this photo.

Want know what it reminds me of? (Read: what it should remind you of?)

My man Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Brett Kiesel is clearly a huge fan and using the man as a style inspiration.  Solid move, I do the same thing too.  Ian Anderson is a musical genius, which totally reads via his choice of garb.

Heavy Horses also happens to be my favorite Tull album - Kiesel is closer and closer to becoming my biffffle everyday!


This particular snapshot is quite tame for Anderson, who spent the first 10 years of his career in disco boots and wild, unkempt hair - an accessory to his crazy eyes:

Credit: Charlie Auringer

Not only does this man know how to write songs about absurd things while using proper grammar (something I haven't been able to achieve, klarly) because he's so educated&shit, he does it while rocking one of the largest beards known to rock n' roll (2nd to ZZ Top).  Febreeze fresh I dare say. His insane mane is glorious.  And to top it all off, he sports a flute.




He's a dreamboat.  I'm going to go out on a very secure and short limb here, and say that Ian Anderson is the source of hipsterism today.  And that actually makes hipsters a little bit more okay.  It makes complete sense that all the hipsters would be trying to get in on this action.

Credit: Rick Kahlmeyer

Here's one from Warchild/Minstrel era - hence the codpiece.  This man is the source of my envy of curls, considering I don't have a single sulfide-bond to call my own [sademoticon.com]. Note the sideburns, which are IDEAL.

And he is still the manliest man around while wearing leggings. Guys, take note. And no, you are not now permitted to wear leggings.


Heres hoping that another musician may one day profit off of songs written about homeless men, kinky girls and farming instead of fireflies.

-bruiser

Naked Ankles

January is naturally the time for dreaming of warmer and more fabulous places. Most of America is pretty miserable from December 26 through April 10th.  And since the grass is always greener in Europe, I'm pretending to want to move to Italy.

Now my personal vacation 4 years ago in Italy was a minidisaster - everything that could go wrong did.  And I have some of my fondest memories from that trip.  Please don't ask me about the gypsy story, that one is too horrifying for words.  So I won't actually be moving to Italy anytime soon  ever.  But this business man gives Italy a good rep [Photo from thesartorialist.blogspot.com].

The white pants and nautical blazer is a timeless look.  And for some sad reason, only Europeans are brave enough to go sockless with their loafers.  Look at all that leg he's giving us. Owow!

And this gentleman has embraced his baldness and gone for the Dome look.  See? I don't need to teach everyone how to look gud.  The shaved head really doesn't distract from his moustache.  And that moustache?  Well formed - in such a way that I can't imagine him without one.

He is using his moustache to his fullest advantage.  On him it is more of a daily accessory than an extension of his upper lip.  Much like his handkerchief or his cuff links.  The moustache totally makes the outfit.  Take notes hipsters.

-bruiser

Distacheter has struck again!

So remember that really cool guy Viggo Mortensen? The one from that semi-successful movie, Lord of the Rings? Well, he is also a stache felon. One of the most heinous crimes one can do a face, next to throwing acid and most plastic surgeries.

So I dug up this gem at some point over the last few months and it is clearly not a recent picture – but it is awful enough to bring up for proper discourse.

Did you see the size of that thing? Were it just a mustache, I’d be cool with it. It would fall under the category of hipsterism for 50 year olds, which I “get”. But no, chin hair is included. View them together – it’s a mushroom stache. Do you see it?
There are two things wrong with this ‘mushroom stache’. For one, I do not like mushrooms. Secondly, facial hair should never look like food. That’s what flavor-savers are for.

Not only that, but Viggo is clearly in denial about his foxiness. Silver fox, that is. I’m guessing he was originally a redhead from his choice of hair dye and freckles. Didn’t we discuss all the reasons why redheads are bad? Why would you want to cover up your silver hair with all that ugly red? And what a poor dye-job! And an all around crappy hair cut. You sir, need a new hair stylist.

Please go back to creeping in pubs and aiding small men in need of defense, sans chin hair. Then we will chat.

-bruiser

This Is News

So I'm not a fan of the news...the media blows things out of proportion and causes stress to everyone who watches it. Plus none of it is ever relevant or remotely exciting. I have better things to do with my time. So apparently everyone else in the world knows about the Koran burning sensation thats jiving the nation. Except me. Now I know, from my love of viral videos. And the fact that this kid I met on a walk was talking about the 'guy with the awesome mustache burning the Koran'. And apparently that man is Terry Jones.

This dude was preachin' the truth: Terry Jones does have an awesome mustache. Fact.

There is just so much going on here. First the excellent salty handlebar mustache. Then the facial hair parenthesis he's got going on. Next, he probably needs to cut his hair more neatly before going to media events. Otherwise, excellent aging on his part. It shows experience, but not a whole lot of tanning in his hayday. Which is probably just from botox.

Not only do I have better things to do than watch/read the news, I also don't have time to check facts that I might have skimmed over while looking for pics. So appurantly this guy did nawt go through with the Koran burning like he does every year because of the spectacle he turned it into. Naturally this is all due to his 'stache. Any high-quality mustache is enough to make people offend both race and religion (see: Adolf Hitler).

So this shit caught on like a good-sized religious book fire. And every one was under the spell of the stache. Except for this guy in Texas. He cannot fall under the spell of a good mustache because hes a hipster and thats ironic.

Jacob Isom rescued the Koran from an unholy toasting grabbing it from a bbq. Nice. Since hipster mustaches don't count, we can't really discuss it, but he does have a rattail. Which makes me want to give him a high-five. Way to look like an idiot and ruin a protest. Isom is the greatest hipster alive.

-bruiser

The Skache

The Skache [aka Skate-Stache] sounds like ca$h because its made of money baby!!!

Patrick Melcher is a professional skater and has the 2nd best mustache in the world. Now, we all know thats not true, but he likely had the 2nd best mustache in the competition - a small minority of the number of mustaches out there. But I'm digressing.

Either way, its a high-quality stache. Even though Melcher teeters on the edge of hipster, he's okay in my book. He simply has fewer talents in this world to devote his time to than us ordinary folk- he isn't using it to express his artistic side which is hidden by his punk skating exterior. noway nohow.

This dude really invests his time and palmade into his extra-curriculars. He can have an air high-five.

-bruiser

The Problem with Boyfriends

Once upon a time, on reality television, there was an angry chef. And the paparazzi accidentally photographed him:

Clearly the subject of the above photograph is this fine gentleman. Perhaps a hipster, perhaps an ape (a common confusion. Very closely related, evolutionarily speaking). He might even be above chef's boyfriend. In that case, he shouldn't settle for someone who is so beneath him. He can really do better!

Truthfully, anyone with a long hair/full beard combo immediately jumps to the top of the dating pool. I mean, what a catch!

-bruiser

Facial Hair Friday

Art is a weird thing. It's more like 'others appreciate your vision' than a stamp declaring a certain piece is 'art'. It's all so subjective! Unlike Power-Stache, which is a science.

Take this exhibit at the MoMA for example. The artist sat in a chair in the middle of the room and would have 'portraits' come and sit across from her and stare at each other for hours. Some people cried, which is lame. 'Cause no one looks good crying and that shits your portrait forever. I scoured the portraits and came up with the best of the facially-haired. And here is Day 6, Portrait 14, whom I've affectionately named Grizelz:

Now Grizelz here is by far the burliest of the bunch. He sports a full, unkempt beard, for which I can only imagine is for one of three reasons: 1) He needs it for survival in the arctic air 2) He is a hipster and is trying to make an ironic statement, contrasting the growing beard to his receding hairline or 3) It is a religious observation.

Now, it would only seem natural that being 'really into beards' ought to be an option but people who are truly 'into' beards know the difference between stylishly unkempt and straight up homeless, and therefore, Grizelz does not fall into the 'really into beards' category.

But not all is lost! Think of Grizelz as a supporter of the Facial-Haired movement, and not as a walking advertisement of why one ought to shave. Maybe? Either way, I'm not sure I want to see Grizelz sans-beard.

-bruiser