It's All in the Family!

So remember Deputy Wiegel (played by Kerri Kenney)? Not only does she have a mustache that needs bleachin', but her father also had quite the moustache!

Check it:

Larry Kenney was the bangin' game show host of 'Bowling for Dollars' in the 70s. I really like the slicked-bowl-cut he went for. It really brings out the lack of angles in his mustache. And he looks just as much like Kerri as he does Thomas Lennon (aka Lieutenant Dangle).

It's really awfully weird if you ask me. I mean, god bless them and their moustaches, but a little too incestuous if you ask me. Because incest is only okay in small doses.

-bruiser

Awkward Facial Hair Friday

No more rules. I'm going to write whatever the hell I want on Facial Hair Fridays. Enjoy

Well this is awkward. Thanks to the stache-tastic website, Awkward Family Photos - always a plethera of awkward staches. Let's look at what kind of flavor these guys are saving. All three sons are identical clones of their father, which is a ++PLUS++. 4x the stache = 4x the badass. Here are the family members in order from left top to right bottom: Red Forman's geeky younger brother, Vince Vaughn, the accountant, and the gay one. Have you seen a better gay stereotype? No you haven't. From his mullet, to the stache, to the M*A*S*H shirt, to the jorts with matching tube socks and trainers. I can just imagine the conversation: dad says to put on your best, and you can't wear your vintage bball shorts, and your tux is too formal, and your full-length denim is in the wash, and you're saving your button down for dancing. So clearly jorts and a graphic T is the way to go. My question for everyone involved in this photo is, why is he the one kneeling? There is clearly a deeper level of family jorts pride than we are aware of.

And this is what he wears on non-formal occasions:

Stay awkward,

-bruiser

Stache-atory Rape

[Editors Note: Brace yourself for our guest blogger Dr. Stache Miser. He genuinely has respect for nothing and will become violent if provoked. I would alert the authorities (i.e. the fine men of Reno) but I would also fear for the safety of their God-given gifts known as moustaches. So we will let the Liger run free, waxing off bad staches from fugly faces via POWER-STACHE and little asian women he keeps in his Pokédex]

It is pretty obvious we are all about the stache around here, but don't be fooled. Only the best of the best make it past our gates. Some flavor savors just don't make the cut.

Take Orlando Bloom here as an example. Are you even old enough to grow facial hair, Orlando? Who are you trying to fool? Pull that fake shit off, pussy. We all know it is glued on.



Another mustache we don't want anything to do with is Brad Pitt's inglorious bastardization of this fabulous facial hair. Look at how it evokes no power whatsoever. It is small and timid. How is this flaccid stache ever going to please anybody? I will tell you right now, it's not.

Listen, Brad, just because you snagged Angelina Jolie doesn't mean you can go around looking like this without anyone noticing.




Another huge blemish on the face of ultimate-stachery is the infamous pedo-stache:

"Hey little boy, I got candy and puppies."
This monstrosity doesn't say "masculine" so much as it is a warning sign to all. If you see anyone with a stache like this, call the proper authorities immediately.



Finally, let us end this post with the ANTI-STACHE. Yes, that's right, the soul patch. This crime is usually committed by the freshly-graduated population. It is a last stand against "the man" these disillusioned yuppies have in their arsenal. They display it around the office as if to say, "Yes, I have a job and I am still young and hip." Unfortunately, it only makes them look like a douche bag. In order to stand up to "the man," you've got to be A MAN first.



In conclusion, be wary fellow stache affectionados. Don't look like these people.


-Dr. Stache Miser

'Not Without My Mustache'

Season 2 Episode 7 of Reno 911!

Clearly, as the title anticipates, some really important dialogue occurs concerning the fine moustaches of Reno's men in uniform.



First of all, Who the FUCK do they think they are, taking away their moustaches? More importantly, imagine Deputy Junior as a baby with a stache. I think it would look something like this:



And Wiegel has a stache but I think we all knew that.

Who can perform their duties moustacheless? Were I blessed with a lush lip-warmer, I certainly couldn't. And I believe the verb 'aid' is perfectly acceptable to use concerning moustaches.
Finally, Larrie, wtf is wrong with looking like gigolos? seriously? anyone?

This little piece analyzes the value of the moustache, in nearly as much detail as a term paper on Shakespeare. Its as deep as it is lush. And you might be graced with Lieutenant Dangle's stache at an Arby's. No Way? Way.

-bruiser