Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.
sademoticon.com

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.
-bruiser

The Living Simpsons

This is the real-life version of the Simpsons. They don't resemble them physically, but they do have the same family relationship. You have the concernikist Marge, nerdy Lisa, mischievous Bart and the dad with a drinking problem. He even affectionately strangles his son like Homer. They are also a little more Pennsylvania-Amish (i.e. the quilt background) than the Midwest-suburban Simpsons.

This dad looks like a real Casanova unlike Homer, who looks like he shouldn't have a babe like Marge for a wife. And all Casanova's have beards [except Heath Ledger, 'cause he had lady-skillz sans beard]. Men with beards make awful husbands. Its evolution baby - humans are not traditionally monogamists and bearded men are holding on to their gene-given rights with their faces. But I digress.

In summary, this guy is the George Clooney version of Homer Simpson. And that really doesn't upset me.

-bruiser

Its February! aka Black People Month!

Okay, so the title isn't exactly 'PC' but being PC is overrated, and not exactly...um...anything on this site is 'PC', so deal with it. bitches.

i.love.february.

And you know who didn't go to jail because its black month and shits not kosher? Lil Wayne.

And you know who I have a wall dedicated to? Lil Wayne.

And you know who doesn't have a nice crustache but does have nice dreads and pjs (oh hey burberry!)? Lil Wayne.

And you know who does have a nice crustache?

My homeboy Michael Jordan. He was definitely my 1st crush. Heck yes I was about staches when I was 7.

I was born with aspirations people.

This might be the best picture of all time. What's so perfect about it? The man clearly was born to sell Coca-Cola. And play basketball. Which one does he do better? Well I'm refilling my cup of Coca-Cola Classic right now, so theres that.

The shirt. It looks like one of those vacation shirts that change in the sunlight, and who doesn't look fashionable in those? Well I can't speak for you, but me and MJ (not to be confused with Michael Jackson) certainly do. And even though those Nike shorts look like they could out-constrict an anaconda, he seems comfortable in his sports attire, so hats off to him.

And whats actually the best thing about this photo is how very much it reminds me of Garth in Reebok:

"It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad."

Just a quick shout-out to Garth for completing my life, ereday.

Before I start professing my love to all things of the Garth-persuasion, lets get back to Black month.

Here is a not-so-nice crustache, but its okay cause Jagged-Edge, 'Where The Party At?' is my jam. Puhleze, its everyones jam. Spread some Skippy on it and the party is wherever you are, my friend.

This picture is the dopest thing to come out of Philadelphia since TastyKakes. And possibly the epitome of the 'crustache'.

But, oh wait guys. There is a winner today, and this winner has moves so smooth you'd think he'd have shaved. Not a chance in hell.

Carlton Banks. Carlton Banks

I would never leave you guys without this moment of glory:

-bruiser