Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Boston Marathon

Marathon monday was such the shitshow.  Seriously, its Mardi Gras for Boston.  Bitches be so drunk they would have shown their boobs to anyone who asked.

But the marathon itself was great.  Although strongly lacking in the facial hair department - I'd sometimes wait 15 minutes before seeing another.  Unfortunately I missed a few individuals who I remember as absolute PERFEKTION because of the drunk asshole in front of me who decided it was cool to lean 8 feet over the railing.  Click on the album link to see all of the photos and leave a comment.

Boston Marathon

Not only is this picture great because she's totally vibing La Toya Jackson, but check out the best beard of the marathon behind her.

So this guy appears to be royally creeped out by me taking his picture. Calm yourself son, I'm just admiring your beard.

I hope I age as well as Mike here.  And I just noticed his kerchief - noicce!  Totally goes perfectly with his pants, which I have in black and white! Brother from another mother I'm sure.

Solo cups and a super moustache.

I think Movember should hold a run that way everyone must have a real or fake moustache.  That would hold my attention.

-bruiser

Non-Awkward Artist

I had to save this photo from the cruelty of Awkward Family Photos commenters.  The question people need to ask about this photo is not, who is this man and what is he doing? but why are these girls so awkward? And why do they have stickers on their faces?  They must have been poorly behaved, hence the 'bitter' label.  I believe who ever doled out these stickers was showing favoritism - or is really trying to mindfuck with these kids by destroying their self-esteems and falsely boosting the self-esteem of the other.


It has already been decided by many that I am going to be in the running for bitchiest mom 2026, and this seems like the perfect way to punish my future offspring - both cruelly and unusually.

Now I know you are all dying to know about the man in the faux-foliage loin cloth.  What else is there possibly to know?  He appears to be some kind of performance artist - good for him for earning some cash by exposing impressionable kids to art instead of giving them meth in exchange for their allowance.
He may also be saving money by neither cutting his hair nor getting fake tans.
If I had that sexy bod, I'd walk around in some fruit-of-the-loom too.  Dude's got the flat belly that my free pilates instructor on youtube keeps telling me I can get, in just 2-3 weeks but I still am not seeing results.  Daniel Tosh can take a few tips from this guy, because I think he's still using the same instructor I am.

And his hair is still the best out of all four of them because he is the only one with curls.  I can't award him with best beard because none of the girls are of age yet to grow one, but he technically wins by default.

When I need some cash or to find my nirvanna, look for me - I'll be the chick wearing a knitted bikini, offering lessons for money.

-bruiser

Moustached Water Polo Anyone?

I have water on the brain.  Because I associate water with warm weather, where I am just sucks.  I even travelled today...from cold to colder. My apartment is bitchin' hot, but I wont get into that right now.  So to warm up our souls (besides using my roommates electric kettle. seriously the only good thing the bitch is good for) by looking at fit men in ridiculous outfits and awesome moustaches.

The Croatian water polo team had all its members jump on the moustache love train at one point in time, and let's just remember it as one of the society's finer points in history.

The middle athlete looks like he belongs in Clue.  You're in the library with candlesticks? Be right thurr.

But seriously they might be making fun of the coach? I put that in italaks cause I literally have no clue, but I do know that the coach is at the start of this craze, directly or indirectly.  The man is passionate about two three things in life: water polo, staches, and salt n' peppa. Yes, in that order.

Things I'm passionate about? #4, the profile of the man standing behind #11, and #11 - in that order.

I still loathe summer.
-bruiser

Pete Ladd Yankovic

Pete Ladd played for the Mariners over 80 years ago and is Weird Al's maternal grandfather. See the family resemblance?

I'm serious about the resemblance part, kidding about the family part. The dude is the Weird Al of baseball. With a slightly better mustache. Al Yankovic must have written a song about baseball at one point in time.

Funfact I just learned: Pete Ladd once injured Rollie Fingers. Thats some hot gossip. Ladd was clearly jealous of the best stache in baseball (who isn't?) and tried to take him out himself. Some people can deal with Weird Al look-a-like competition, some people can deal with mustache competition, but never both. That's just too much dealing to stay sane. Or out of jail.

-bruiser

High School: We ain't talking about crustaches

High school is the worst time of your life, second only to middle school. And if its not the second worst time of your life, then your current life sucks. My high school experience consisted of not trying hard (like I hate to do), getting straight A's (like I love to do), waiting for 500 idiots to grow up (patience is not one of my better qualities) and zero mustaches. And a lack of facial hair in general. And a lack of nice hair (well, except for me). So in summary, it sucked. No surprise there.

Then picture it. A sophomore in college, with all the facial hair you could ever want (and don't want) to see, ereday. Probably haven't thought about high school since I graduated and then I get thrown this doozie: two teachers from high school decide to have a moustache competition! I could die. Thats actually the only thing that can make my high school experience any worse - they held out on me for three (3) years! So rude!!!!

But I have to forgive them. Because in reality, those two mustaches are the most perfect things to come out of my high school since I peaced out of there two years ago.

Can you just imagine how much better high school would have been with those mustaches? You mean we have to go outside and play ultimate frisbee and its only 45 degrees out and it just rained? No problem. You want a report on the French Revolution? Its already done.

Students have tons of requirements. The PSSAs are "required". Attendance is "required". So facial hair should be required [note the lack of quotes] with only the facially-haired disabled excused. Imagine the facial hair face-offs that could ensue! It could be as awesome as this.

Finally, a shout-out to my homeboy, my 11th grade SS teacher. You and your moustache are dope. I highly recommend keeping it.

-bruiser