Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Reality TV

Until recently, I've never been crazy about TV. Through college I didn't own one, so I only watched what I could on hulu. But now I get free cable (thanks overpriced rental agreement) and I can't get enough and its melting my fucking brain.

Can you guess what my newest obsession is? Of course you can and of course its Duck Dynasty.

Their beards are everything I've ever dreamt of. Who knew that I needed to travel to bumblefuck Louisiana to find them?

This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of reality TV. I've seen Pawn Stars, I've seen those damn fishing shows. I didn't get it. I didn't give a crap about those people or what they were doing for a living but holy god do I give so many fucks about the Duck Dynasty family. It has everything a girl could want: long haired men, beards, guns, and fucking ducks.

So fucking majestic.

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you I was a huge fan of the 'I'm slightly famous and want to be more famous so look at my stupid fake life' reality TV. I was really into Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I just loved the strippers (I mean, who doesn't love the strippers?). I also was really into Keeping up with the Kardashians but not because I like Kim (she has a fat ass but she's disgusting), but because I love Scott Disick.

What isn't there to love about Lord Disick? He is the realest thing on the show (and yes, he got Kourtney pregnant and is now making loads of money off of it) but he doesn't take the Kardashians seriously and sees them for the joke that they are. But he has so much $wag its not even funny.

I think he represents the other half of my personality - the half that is always battling my Duck Dynasty half. Hence, I end up being a semi-shaven, occasionally showered, but all kinds of sexy woman #fact. And no that's not a joke, I actually have that much self-confidence. 

The other great thing about Scott is that he can (sometimes) grow decent facial hair. It really looks good on him (sexxxy scruff!), but I am 100% sure he is too much of a pussy bitch to grow a real beard. So I will continue to watch Duck Dynasty (and Vikings looks awesome - something to dull the pain while Game of Thrones is on hiatus, am I right?). I'm pretty sure that's all I need in life (pathetic I know).

I'm back bitches!

-bruiser

Never Before Seen...For a Reason

You can find anything on the Google Machine....including ginger reverse bang-mullets:

Unseen horrors begone!  Never before could I have imagined such a cruel punishment.  I wasn't quite sure what my greatest fear in life was, but waking up like this is at the top of the list, easy.

This guy isn't even the most heinous of ginger roots out there, so why? So many whys?!  What could possess an individual to grow the most horrifying of fringe [I am more critical of bangs than of even moustaches, I should know, I rocked them. I was fresh to death] whilst shaving the rest of their head?  And all of this while being a fire crotch? Turn in your man-card dude; you can keep your virgin card as long as you want though. I don't even think you could pay someone to take it from you, when you look like a walking case of the herp'. No one wants that.

The shadow of a mustache and chin hair look like some out-of-place bush. Facial vaginas are even worse than actual vaginas. At Sesame Place, this is what one would call a 'code Elmo' - a whole lot of bloody fur and dozens of children running away, screaming.

I hold nothing against you personally, but having seen this image, I hope you crawl in a hole and die.
-bruiser

Daniel Tosh Needs His Beard

Whilst checking out sexy astronauts, I came across this gentleman - Karol Bobko.  I immediately thought he looked an awful lot like Daniel Tosh.  And then I thought he looked a lot like Chris Pronger too.  I decided he looks like he could be Chris Pronger's dad, but with all of the creepiness factor of Tosh (its a good thing for Tosh, I'm not sure about Karol here though).

The similarity is uncanny.

Tosh is Power-Stache kind of funny - ever racist and painfully truthful.  He tells it like it is and doesn't apologize - for a metrosexual, he's rather manly.  And normally clean-shaven, I think he ought to keep the beard, although it doesn't work well with his 'am-I-gay-or-arent-I?' aura that he bank$ on.

Back to Karol, it looks like something Tosh would do on his show.  Why shouldn't a man of so many hats also wear a space helmet?  Ladies would be begging for his questionably kosher meat (yes I did just use kosher as a euphemism for straight. I don't know why anyone hasn't done so before).

And if you aren't familiar with the family-friendly program, he changes his attire on a regular basis - hoodies, button downs, deep-Vs, and collared shirts.  He is running out of types of shirts offered at american apparel, and recycling one's wardrobe isn't classy.  Before he starts accessorizing and sporting berets, I propose he wear a beard.  Were I an MD I'd prescribe it to every joe-schmoe that walked down the street, and Tosh here is no exception.  A beard would be his Side-Show Bob, his Robin, and carry his lame jokes written by movie writer dropout interns.

Cross your fingers and hope for everyones sake Tosh wears both a beard and a space helmet for the summer. Or double-breasted vests.
-bruiser

source

Nice Model Hair

We all know by now that models, at least successful ones, do not have any freedom of expression and everything about the way they look is a part of their paycheck.  And usually, for men, that means short crew cuts.  Because short hair sells jeans. It's true!

Well ladies and gents, I came across a fashion photographer who likes to embrace the edgy and weird, the non-Ashton Kutchers of the model world. And do they have Nice Hair!

From the photographer Greg Kadel, I present Perfekt Curls and Wild Man!

Perfekt Curls is incredibly overtouched and overdone (hello designer bowtie!), and they did a great job because it makes a great photo. He just oozes classiness.  If you feel envious of his Apollo-like curls, remember that he looks like a greasy college frat kid with a mad case of bed-head when he's not on set.

Wild Man is the visual representation of every girl's bad-boy fantasy. The long hair and severe jaw line say it all. He looks like he could tackle a wolf, once he takes off his cashmere cable-knit, that is. The skunk pelt? Sexy as hell.
The funny thing is that whoever dressed him knows how to get a feeling across.  The details are laughable though.  Fake war medals? Crushed velvet? I think he might be the one who needs rescuing. He really should have a switch-blade in hand. It would counteract the girly wardrobe and scream Icelandic survivor man.

I hope anyone going out in the blizzard today has an Icelandic survivor man on call.
-bruiser

Lip Warmers May Be Necessary

So I didn't post on sunday because I was snowed in with my lovely family.  In the spirit of all things wintry - Curling! By far the best of the winter sports. When are they going to make it for the Wii?

'Winners of the Grand Challenge Cup for 1906'

These men are so manly it's not even funny. Palmade was such a great invention, I don't know why men have stopped using it.  These ice- and broom-wielding gentlemen all have different neckwear - so classy! It appears that one of the curling partnerships uses moustaches for good luck charms.  And I find it humorous that they use normal house brooms, but it was 1906 after all.

To men staying classy in 2011,
-bruiser

Not on my Christmas List

[Looking for something Classy? Try this]

There appears to be a moustache sensation shaving the nation. And we don't have to take the bad with the good. No one wants that. Point out crap for what it is: crap. 

So the items below are the things that I will NAWT be asking for this Christmas.

Seriously what is this crap? I blame it on the hipsters. Take it from the top!

1. Mustached Chef Oven Mit - this was actually a postcard from the olden days, so thank gawd its not in production anymore. Oven mits are fugly to begin with, don't make it worse.

2. Set of 4 Mustache Placemats - I get the whole etsy thing - you don't have any real life skills so you make handy crafts and try to support yourself. But....just stop it. That thing is so hein it makes me want to vom. Not only is that the worst mustache I have ever seen, but you can't actually use spandex fabric for a placemat. Sheen is always inappropriate for the table.

3. Urban Outfitter's Carstache - Two things: first, it just looks stupid and you deserved to be mocked for driving and paying $40 for that POS. Secondly, its gross. Can you just imagine all of the dirt and bugs and rain and mold that will be on it after driving around with it for a few days? There's a reason only interiors use cloth. Get the net.

4. My Mustached Friend the Bear Hand Towel - Again with the handmade crafts. Stop it. Hand towels are meant to dry my hands, not to entertain. If I wanted to achieve both, I would get a dyson airblade. That shits awesome.

5. Fake Beards - It just draws attention to the fact that you don't have a beard, like toupees. 

6. Mustache Hair Pin - Because most girls can't grow a mustache, they think its okay to wear it in any form possible. Wearing a mustache in your hair is not okay and looks kindof dangerous. 

7. Mustache Shot Glasses - Not classy. Rather trashy. No longer available from UO, and for good reason.

8. Beardhead - The fastest way to make you look the tool that you are. What about Snuggies? They take longer to ship.

9. Mustache on a Stick - For girls appurantly. FYI, you look stupid.

10. Fingerstache - See also moustache bandages. I have better things to do than decorate my skin with plastic mustaches, thanks. 

11. Mustache Snowglobe - Really not Christmas-y at all. #xmasrelevancyfail

12. Mustache Pillow Covers - Have you ever had a shitty pillow cover? Your face needs a pillowcase that is more into you than it is into itself.

13. Mustache Keychain - Looks like a dumbass dog toy. You better drive a POS if you have that keychain.

14. Mustache Love Ring - Again, mustaches are not meant for jewelry. Shits not manly enough.

15. Mustached Fruit Badges - Fruit neither have faces nor wear mustaches. Don't force it upon them. They clearly are more into beards!

16. Famous Mustaches Mug - As much as I love being educated&shit as I drink from my cups, it doesn't teach me anything I don't already know and is for the amateur moustachist.

17. Flair Hair - Oh boy. So baldies want to wear something that looks like your daughters teddy bear on your head and pretend that you aren't bald? When we can see your natural hair on your sideburns and face? Grow a pair.

18. Chris Mascarenas Shirt - The design is awesome but the shirt is hein and kindof scary.

No thanks.

-bruiser

Jakey Gyllenhaal

So Jake Gyllenhaal REALLY likes his facial hair. A lot. And by that I mean that I can't name any other movie besides Donnie Darko in which he is not sporting facial hair. Bubble boy?

And thank Gawd for his love of facial hair. 'Cause Power-Stache loves him (and by Power-Stache I mean me. It's a personal preference).

I'm not going to beat you with in-depth analysis of Gyllenhaal beards and staches...today. I'll just update you on his current stateus.

View the hair - who is this man's stylist? Antoine Dodson? 'Cause that shit looks Noicce!!! That hair is Angel-Soft. Whereas the beard is Brawny strong (clearly.) Everyone is nagging on him for being a lumberjack. Does anyone even know what a lumberjack looks like? 1 - the wear plaid. So he's clearly not a lumberjack. 2 - they have hair thats straight-up gnasty. 3 - they don't know what conditioner is. Jake is not a lumberjack.

I think the beard makes him looks cuddly [I'm not the only person who thinks in this manner - someone in my writing class evaluated my professor and commented that his beard made him seem 'nice'.] Cuddly like Corduroy. I mean, the man clearly isn't exerting his dominance over anyone. So trying to reel in the ladies with his masculine beard is probably the best answer. They love his green overalls.

Dear Jake - here is formal notice that your hair and I are in a relationship. It's as close as I can get to 'facebook official'.

-bruiser

He's Not All There

You've all heard about 'I'm Still Here' a mockumentary about Joaquin Phoenix's existance (coming out this Friday, expect a crowd). I'm game for anything Joaquin, except for that movie with Gwyneth Paltrow. That was just plain awful. You probably are thinking, 'She must be relieved then that is was only a mockumentary and he wasn't serious about this rapping stuff'. Well, that's where you'd be wrong my friend. I was actually extremely okay with weirdo Joaquin. If he wanted to wear an EZ Comb in his hair, that's cool with me. And now I lament over the days when he had his EPIC beard. Let us revisit.

This beard has been hated on by a lot of people so I'm going to show the world how truly beautiful it is. It's really just an artistic extension of his hair or his eyebrow. And it's INCREDIBLY flavorful - burly Joaquin can ditch clean-shaven Joaquin's murse. That beard can hold keys easily, if not a wallet as well. It's also environmentally friendly because it saves on napkins. The best part is that his upper-lip is fully engulfed by said beard. And one the many rules of facial hair is that no upper lip = high quality mustache/beard. Just one of the facts of life.

Oh, and I'm a mountaintop, water-drop.

-bruiser

Mustache Modeling

There is a real lack of facial-haired models and that saddens me. Thank gawd the Sartorialist understands our plight.

Whatever Italyian designer this is is clearly progressive and I like it. Normal designers pick clean-shaven boys so you aren't distracted by their faces and only look at their clothes. Now this designer understands women and when women (I should specify - straight women and gay men) buy expensive faux-outdoors-wear for their boyfriends, they are going to buy from the lines that advertise Manliness [capitalized because I'm prettysure its a religion. Or an art movement].

And we all know models are not manly since you can see the estrogen on their faces. But in theory, they probably have some testosterone left if they are able to grow facial hair. And at this point, 'probably' is good enough for us. Unlike Valvoline, where 'probably' doesn't cut it. And I hope that the dude in this commercial never cuts his dreads:

-bruiser