UTOPIA

So its summer time again. If you forgot how I felt about summer, please reread my 'Ode to Summer'.

I don't like it when its humid, and I don't like being in air conditioning. And I DO NOT like shorts - THE DEVIL'S CLOTHING I TELL YOU! DARKSIDED!!

Long story short, I was uncomfortable (when am I not? 1st world problems…) and was thinking about all the things I would change to make my personal Utopia. 

Rule #1 - No pants. None. Skirts are permitted (for both genders. I'm serious - they are both comfortable AND practical!)

Rule #2 - Beards. Everyone should have one. Men, women, and children. How hilarious would it be to see little gnome children running around? (And I'm joking about the women and children part. But it would certainly make my Utopia EPIC)

Rule #3 - *TITTIES* That means no shirts. I don't want to wear a bra and you don't want me to wear a bra? What a radical idea!

So, basically my utopia is a nudist colony but you can wear skirts if you so desire. No one wants sunburn down there. I'm serious about the practical part. Easy access? Yes please.

Those are the only rules that I thought worthwhile in my Utopia. I should be joining a hippie commune, I know, I know. But I am certain that this is for the best and that it be mandatory instead of voluntary. 

While wearing skirts would aid the "I'm a woman but have to pee every 30 minutes" issue [I realize that pants aren't a normal issue for civilized women but when you are outside as much as I am with Nature as your bathroom, you begin to understand that it IS an issue. Example: termites. Do not pee on termites. Just don't fucking do it.] there are just more perks to being a guy than to being a girl. Having boobs is REALLY NICE. It's fucking awesome is what it is, but that doesn't properly compensate us for the shit we get put through, and 1/3 of those issues IS having boobs.

There are still issues with my Utopia. #1 problem? Men. Just can't help the poor bastards. We love to look at you and, yes, there is some necessity to the male gender, but some of you guys just fuck everything up. Guys fucking shit up is, in fact, a woman's favorite topic of convo (Ok, its really not that big of a deal but us poor females are prone to dramatic, over exaggerations).

I know, you are thinking: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BRUISER? I'm close.

But wait, being a man is better, but they are also the problem? [I do not expect you to follow my stream of consciousness, since I have been working outside for nearly 200 hours this month, I have a lot of time to think about stupid shit like this so trust me]

STICK WITH ME GUYS I'M ALMOST THERE...

SOLUTION: Everyone should be born female….and then have a spontaneous sex change around menopause and turn into a man! So many of life's issues are now magically fixed, here are the top 10 reasons why my ludicrous idear is actually genius:

#1: Everyone gets to have b00bs! You get them taken away eventually, but you get to have your own! Plus by that age you wouldn't want them anymore. No more boob cancer!

#2: By the same token - Everyone gets to have a dick! You get a dick, and You get a dick, and Youuu get a dick! Developing balls later in life? No more ball cancer! Bonus!

#3: Aging is no longer a problem. Those wrinkles that you fret about at 40? You have just turned into a devilishly-handsome Cary Grant, congratulations. and Scha-wing!

#4: You get to experience sex as a man and a woman. Probably not appealing to most, but if you tell me you aren't the least bit curious you ARE A GODDAMN LIAR.

#5: Younger women and older men. Everyone wins. Too easy.

#6: Puberty is essentially a non-issue. And teenage years would be much easier to handle with just girls. Significantly less crying I think.

#7: Didn't like who you were when you were younger? Make mistakes, or just get a shitty hand at life? Guess what! You can do it all over again! It's like a second chance at everything.

#8: Men and women would finally fucking respect each other. I realize how ironic this sounds since I was man-bashing a few paragraphs ago, but I complain about women enough, trust me. 

#9: Which means, less rape, domestic violence, etc. (Sorry for being a Debbie Downer guys but it is totally a valid reason)

#10: Everyone can have a beard if they want one. And I want one. 

Well, I need one to keep all my secrets.

Yeah, so if the world were intelligently designed, this is how it would have freaking gone down. DA END.

And that's it for me folks. If you need me, I'll be the topless, barefoot, dirty, skirt-wearing hippie.

-bruiser

Sorority girl rant on head-straps

Some things I will never understand.

Example A: what is the motivation to grow a full head-strap?

Some men still think it is acceptable to grow a chin-strap (here's a clue: it's not). And some of those fools think its okay to grow a strap all around your head so it looks like your breaching your mom's bushy vagina. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

SINNERS! you all need Jesus.

THE FUCK is wrong with you? There have been bad staches, and there have been failstaches here, but there are NONE worse than this. NONE MANY.

And its not just the tool above who thought this was a good idea: 

(side note: the fact that this douche missed the chin-strap concept is HILARIOUS. Distachter x1000)

I get it, some people miss their elementary arts classes and just need to express themselves. Believe me, I GET IT. Cornrows are a great tool to experiment with. Moustaches make excellent canvases for masculine creativity. But CONNECTING YOUR FUCKING NECK HAIR TO YOUR RECEEDING HAIRLINE IS NOT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME OR THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PLACE TO BE "CREATIVE". SHIT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING KOSHER, SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT. JACKASS.  


If you have one of these (as inspired by my favorite sorority girl Rebecca Martinson) let me ask you to punch yourself in the face right now so I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.


That's enough of the internet for today.
-bruiser

She has funny dreams

Life can be stressful sometimes. And sometimes people are on drugs. Either of these people will have fucked up dreams, and if you fall in the the middle of the venn-diagram, you are screwed my friend.

Recently I had one such dream.

Scene: Leaving a billionaire's house party.
Situation: Everyone gets a monetary party-gift (sounds awesome, right?)
What happened to me: I grab a gift card. For $200,000. Even better, right? Wrong.

It was to KFC. $200,000 gift card to fucking KFC.

Now I don't eat at KFC, although this isn't the problem. I would totally eat at KFC for free for the rest of my life (51 years, give or take, of an 8 piece bucket combo for the rest of my life). But why the fuck would I do that? I want the money, not free chicken (even though fried chicken is the best chicken #fact).

I debated my options. I could be a philanthropist and donate it to a food shelter. Or I could be a dick and sell it to a church (read: Baptist) at a discounted rate, which is slightly generous. Or I could be even more of a dick and buy a store. Or 3.

Or I could sell it to Dave Grohl. He loves that shit.

I don't think I've ever been more intrigued by a hypothetical situation, ever.
Here's to fucked up shit.
-bruiser

PS - the drug dream was in reference to the time I was on malaria pills. woah.

When the Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes...

...We're talking beards here people, not muffstaches.

This phenomenon actually happens more than one would think, usually because the facial hair is younger than the hair on the top of one's head.


Michael Hall from Dexter is the perfect example of what I am talking about. It's a shame that he's a firecrotch (okay we might be talking about muffstaches as well...) because the upper half of his face is hot.  Unfortunately for him, the lower half is not, and there is no partial credit or participation points in the real world for hotness.




The real pity is that it affects gingers more than normal people.  If a ginger has outgrown their gingerness, life shouldn't be so cruel as to afflict them again. But maybe its nature's way of ensuring we don't become passive about the ginger problem, and that we especially don't breed with such individuals. What a fucking distachter that would be!

Although not only gingers go through this, silver foxes are also reportedly affected by the carpets not matching the drapes.  Now I'm not saying this man is a silver fox per-say, but he illustrates the point I am making here.

It can actually be very endearing to older men, especially balding ones.










Ew or you could look like this guy. I'm going to say that maybe partial credit should be awarded for hotness because the alternative is visually disturbing at best. Shit is just not kosher, no matter which way you fry it. This particular case is mentally disturbing; a classifiable nutjob.  Even more disturbing than this. And you're welcome!



-bruiser

source & source

The Invisible Stache

I am about to address an issue that has been largely under the radar of facial hair connoisseurs for a long time - the invisible stache.

The invisible stache is usually a man with strawberry blond or simply blond hair who grows a moustache or other facial hair that very closely matches their skin color. Exhibit A:

When you see a man with an invisible stache, you must do a double take to be sure he actually has a stache instead of a double take to admire such facial hair.  I'm going to be blunt here and say its pretty pathetic.

You all know by now that I believe that everyone should grow facial hair that is hormonally competent, so I am not suggesting that they shave these abominations.  There are solutions.

The simplest and most effective solution is to grow a real moustache rather than continue to pretend your stubble is authentic or even manly, cause its not.

Although a below average stache, the 'is it or isn't it?' question is no longer applicable. An easy win-win for the facial hair world I think.

The other solution would be to dye one's stubble (a la Brian Wilson) which is exhausting, not to mention distracting and not classy.

So all you lightweight gingers out there, do us a favor and grow out your damn moustache (or beard!) and don't keep us poor folk guessing.  Figure it out cause this shit ain't kosher.

[This doesn't count either.]

-bruiser

source source source and source

Miley Cyrus and Jimmy Kimmel Bore Me to Tears

So last night Miley Cyrus was on Jimmy Kimmel. Big whoop. Shes going to be hosting SNL tomorrow night anyway, so I suggest we all shoot ourselves (no, not really. And I am going to watch SNL because the Strokes are performing - doooppe!).

I have to say it: I have never, ever found Jimmy Kimmel to be funny.  He is your coworker who you avoid contact with because he just tries way too hard, and although you pity the guy, you can't be around him out of fear of laughing (and not with him mind you).

So I shouldn't be surprised when they do a half-assed job at giving Miley a fake moustache.  I don't even think its made of any kind of fiber whatsoever - it might be a sticker? Or maybe its painted.
Either way its a piece of shit.

And I have no idea what the fuck shes promoting.  I mean she might have another disney movie out. Or she might be talking about how much she hates her dad. Or she might be releasing a new album, I seriously have no clue. Its more likely that the mourning period of her reputation is over, and now shes trying to patch it up with moustaches. Clever Miley, but no.

Miley_Cyrus#Failstache
-bruiser

(source)

No One Messes With My Bitch

So of all the men, beards, and moustaches, I have yet to inform you all about my affair with Whoppi Goldberg.  In short, I'm pretty much in lesbians with her.  No one comes close to Whoppi.

And the New York Times just ignored her Academy Award?  This woman earned that hunk of gold, and deserves 10 more, thankyouverymuch.  Here is the NY Times article, and as of Monday night, she was not mentioned.  The NY Times should do a full front page apology to my lady.

Listen to her be pissed on the subject.  It's what she does best.



My love for Whoopi began the first 100 times I watched Sister Act when I was 8 or 9 years old.  And I've seen it 300 more times since then, but that is extraneous information. Let us discuss Sister Act for a hot second, kay?

She starts out as a slutty lounge singer. You can't imagine that it gets better but it does.

She is a classy lady!

She has a gold lamé
jacket. And she has bangin' shades. Have you seen this hair! Shits Noicce. I now have a new Halloween costume. Check that shit off the list.

Nun of that!

She actually sang in it. For years I thought she didn't, but that ain't no church-voice honey.

Sister Mary Clarence also understands the importance of deep shoulder action. So easily overlooked!

PS - the sequel to Sister Act is called 'Back in the Habit'. Writing genius I tell you.

This is what the Roman

 Catholic Church looked like before Whoopi stepped into it [Note the moustache. A redeeming quality for the RCC].  No pretty.  That face is actually an universal reaction to the RCC.  Therefore church gives you crow's feet. Don't want that.

Did I mention what a sexy bitch she is? I don't know if its the hair, the studded bustier, or the lack of eyebrows that turns me on, but keep it coming!

She turns 'Bless you' into curse words. Floored yet?

She also has a showdown with Dame Maggie Smith, the only woman in the world who comes near her [aside from Katharine Ross of course].

My favorite scene is her

without the habit.  I don't understand the desire for weaves, cause ladies, this is it.  Your $1000 Indian hair does not look better than this carved afro.  With this hair you can throw on a habit and some hoops and go out the door. I need me a damn afro.  So church-chic!

So my obsession with Whoopi is unreal.   The memory of the dream of having lunch with Whoopi is better than any of the memories I've actually experienced. And no, this is not sad or pitiful.  It is a pity no one else has dream-dined with Whoopi before.

Good night ladies and gentlemen! You don't give a shit!

-bruiser

Awkward Phillies Player #1: Ryan Madson

So this morning I hit the Sports Stache picture jackpot. Not only are they of fantastic quality, they are also some of the most awkward professional pictures you have ever seen. Presenting Phillies Stache Sundays sprinkled with a little bit of awkwardness! You can view the whole gallery here, if you want to ruin the fun of unveiling a new photo each week. So don't do it. I just feel obligated to post a link.

So why phillies? For multiple weeks? Well, appurantly theyre in first place, which is undoubtably nawt a surprise to my family, and I still don't really care. Its just so boring! But theses photos are so far from boring, hence the series of posts.

Awkward Player #1: Ryan Madson

 In order to truly capture the awkwardness, view photo #1 and photo #2 together.  Look at how distracted he is while posing in a false pitching stance. He looks like he's making goggly-eyes at some girl with big chachis in the stands next to home base. Or witnessing an alien abduction. This picture screams less 'professional baseball pitcher' and more 'adult halloween costume'.

Look at photo #2. This one looks like he is having a religious experience. Madson - don't you realize that connecting with the big man upstairs on a baseball field is so cliché? I mean, its been done. Circa 1994.

You may also note the digital colorization of these pics. I honestly think that really puts the awkwardness over the top. The black back-drop and the bright lighting screams broadway-production, no? And then the color is completely washed away in the head shot. Nice. Not only is he the star of a hit musical, he also looks like a malnourished villager that has been photographed by National Geographic.

I will say that the saturation really brings out his scruff. Looks Good. And excellent use of product placement. Nike will be proud.

-bruiser

An Ode to Summer

Dear Summer,

I loathe you. You make me sick. Literally, like heat stroke, ereday. You burn my skin and will one day make me look like an old man [not a silver fox...so sadd]. You make me sweat and you make other people sweat which is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE TO MY NOSTRILS. And you make me wear shorts which are the most unnatural and most uncomfortable invention in the world - never again with that stupid piece of shit. We could still be friends if nudism was socially acceptable but its not so were not and i hate you. My dog hates you too and he's only 7 years old.. I want to kick your bifffle, global warming, in the ballz. He's a dick. We can't be friends. I know you like me but I hate you you she-man I am moving to Canada and blocking you on facebook. . I don't care what your friends say you aren't my season not now, not never! I hate yoou! I hate your friends too!! Stop calling me!

I'm calling Fall to invite him over. At least he goes dutch. you bitch

Sincerely,

bruiser

Anchor Stache

There are a finite number of ways one can wear facial hair [makers of Hairy Gary would disagree]. So to discover a new way to wear facial hair should be considered an accomplishment, whether or not people laugh at you for it like we are all about to do in 5..4..3..2..1

LOL Bronson Arroyo! I affectionately call this the 'Anchor Stache'. It looks more like a misguided tattoo than carefully trimmed facial hair. And anyone with such painful facial hair doesn't deserve to have long, luxurious locks. Shave your damn head. But thats the general pattern in Baseball - badbadBAD facial hair. When will we see a decent baseball stache? Hint: next week.

-bruiser

Billy Goat Gruff

Now that we are all beginning to get comfortable with a clean-shaven Brad Pitt again, I can't resist revisiting Billy Goat Brad...via Rob Lowe. It just doesn't make sense.

Appurantly (from dlisted.com, not as trustworthy as wikipedia) Rob grew out a goat beard for a role on Californication this past spring. The 'do doesn't last long (I hope the beanie made it into the incinerator) but we still have to scold him for his foolish choice. He clearly didn't realize he risked his career over it - fortunately Hollywood is willing to forgive his folly.

It's even worse than Brad's. Thats not a real goatee - thats armpit hair glued to his face.

Rob - just stick to oversized suits, real men haircuts, and pralines and dick ice cream.

-bruiser

Next week: clean-shaven Brad Pitt

Totally GROSS Friday

As I've mentioned before, very few things cross the line for me. One of a myraid of things that do not cross the line is Black People Month. This item is just plain excessive. And excessive for me (I mean, heller) is just plain uncalled for. I present to you, the Muffstache! (available at Etsy).

No need to go all Ron Jeremy on the poor public. No one thinks you're funny for buying these (or making, for Stache Valentine's sake!). People, please refrain from publicizing your feelings about moustaches in public forums other than Power-Stache. It's just...shit's not kosher.

just stop it.

-bruiser

The Problem with Boyfriends

Once upon a time, on reality television, there was an angry chef. And the paparazzi accidentally photographed him:

Clearly the subject of the above photograph is this fine gentleman. Perhaps a hipster, perhaps an ape (a common confusion. Very closely related, evolutionarily speaking). He might even be above chef's boyfriend. In that case, he shouldn't settle for someone who is so beneath him. He can really do better!

Truthfully, anyone with a long hair/full beard combo immediately jumps to the top of the dating pool. I mean, what a catch!

-bruiser

Bad Sports Stache Sunday

Let's discuss Manny Ramirez of the LA Dodgers.

Granted that this man clearly does not have good hair genes, his gettup on a scale from good to bad is just awful. Not only does he have a crustache, which scores poorly among crustaches, his eyebrows are mini crustaches too! That combo makes me as nauseous as the idea of consuming a 3 piece french toast sticks from BK right now. BK should stick to Lanch. With mimosas and beer.

Not only does Manny proudly display his cold french toast combo, he also walks around knowingly with that sad excuse for chin hair. It really just looks like pit hair. Not much more I can say about that.

Manny, just stop it.

-bruiser

'Probably' Is Good Enough For Castrol Oil

So in writing this weeks Facial Hair Friday post, I came across this commercial and I couldn't resist adding my personal commentary. I mean, this commercial was made for this blog. Probably [see what I did there?].

View 0:00 - Check out that stache! I will forever associate Castrol Edge with decent average staches and full heads of hair.

View 0:03 - Enter slap-happy Scotsman with a fake beard. Ginger.

View 0:12 - Balding bowler [who hangs out with pattern-baldness nerd and black dude with normal hair and beard? what?]

View 0:15 - Average commercial Joe wearing plaid and scruff. This is why everyone hates America.

For future reference, I really ought to call lame facially-haired men who think with their dipsticks 'Jimmy'.

-bruiser

Facial Hair Friday

Facial Hair Friday has returned!!! Perhaps to your pleasure or your dismay, but I don't know since you haven't expressed any feelings about Facial Hair Friday Pilot Post. Take 2!

[And I might have changed the rules to 100 words or less since this post works out to be 100 words exactly. And yes its just because I am very passionate about said subject. And yes I might change the rules again.]

MJ's new Hanes commercial!

MJ is an innovator. First, Air Jordans, then rebranding Coca-Cola. Now he's inventing new facial hair and has failed. Horribly. WTF man? I get that some people dig the soul-patch, for reasons which are beyond my comprehension, but really? Really MJ? Were you going for the symmetrical soul-patch or for the Hitler-crustache? 'Cause you got them both down and have therefore failed doubly. Fail^2. I think it's safe to say Hitler is horrified because you managed to make it completely uneven, and you're only working with 1 inch of facial hair! Hell-no!!!

Just stop it.

-bruiser

Stache-atory Rape

[Editors Note: Brace yourself for our guest blogger Dr. Stache Miser. He genuinely has respect for nothing and will become violent if provoked. I would alert the authorities (i.e. the fine men of Reno) but I would also fear for the safety of their God-given gifts known as moustaches. So we will let the Liger run free, waxing off bad staches from fugly faces via POWER-STACHE and little asian women he keeps in his Pokédex]

It is pretty obvious we are all about the stache around here, but don't be fooled. Only the best of the best make it past our gates. Some flavor savors just don't make the cut.

Take Orlando Bloom here as an example. Are you even old enough to grow facial hair, Orlando? Who are you trying to fool? Pull that fake shit off, pussy. We all know it is glued on.



Another mustache we don't want anything to do with is Brad Pitt's inglorious bastardization of this fabulous facial hair. Look at how it evokes no power whatsoever. It is small and timid. How is this flaccid stache ever going to please anybody? I will tell you right now, it's not.

Listen, Brad, just because you snagged Angelina Jolie doesn't mean you can go around looking like this without anyone noticing.




Another huge blemish on the face of ultimate-stachery is the infamous pedo-stache:

"Hey little boy, I got candy and puppies."
This monstrosity doesn't say "masculine" so much as it is a warning sign to all. If you see anyone with a stache like this, call the proper authorities immediately.



Finally, let us end this post with the ANTI-STACHE. Yes, that's right, the soul patch. This crime is usually committed by the freshly-graduated population. It is a last stand against "the man" these disillusioned yuppies have in their arsenal. They display it around the office as if to say, "Yes, I have a job and I am still young and hip." Unfortunately, it only makes them look like a douche bag. In order to stand up to "the man," you've got to be A MAN first.



In conclusion, be wary fellow stache affectionados. Don't look like these people.


-Dr. Stache Miser