UTOPIA

So its summer time again. If you forgot how I felt about summer, please reread my 'Ode to Summer'.

I don't like it when its humid, and I don't like being in air conditioning. And I DO NOT like shorts - THE DEVIL'S CLOTHING I TELL YOU! DARKSIDED!!

Long story short, I was uncomfortable (when am I not? 1st world problems…) and was thinking about all the things I would change to make my personal Utopia. 

Rule #1 - No pants. None. Skirts are permitted (for both genders. I'm serious - they are both comfortable AND practical!)

Rule #2 - Beards. Everyone should have one. Men, women, and children. How hilarious would it be to see little gnome children running around? (And I'm joking about the women and children part. But it would certainly make my Utopia EPIC)

Rule #3 - *TITTIES* That means no shirts. I don't want to wear a bra and you don't want me to wear a bra? What a radical idea!

So, basically my utopia is a nudist colony but you can wear skirts if you so desire. No one wants sunburn down there. I'm serious about the practical part. Easy access? Yes please.

Those are the only rules that I thought worthwhile in my Utopia. I should be joining a hippie commune, I know, I know. But I am certain that this is for the best and that it be mandatory instead of voluntary. 

While wearing skirts would aid the "I'm a woman but have to pee every 30 minutes" issue [I realize that pants aren't a normal issue for civilized women but when you are outside as much as I am with Nature as your bathroom, you begin to understand that it IS an issue. Example: termites. Do not pee on termites. Just don't fucking do it.] there are just more perks to being a guy than to being a girl. Having boobs is REALLY NICE. It's fucking awesome is what it is, but that doesn't properly compensate us for the shit we get put through, and 1/3 of those issues IS having boobs.

There are still issues with my Utopia. #1 problem? Men. Just can't help the poor bastards. We love to look at you and, yes, there is some necessity to the male gender, but some of you guys just fuck everything up. Guys fucking shit up is, in fact, a woman's favorite topic of convo (Ok, its really not that big of a deal but us poor females are prone to dramatic, over exaggerations).

I know, you are thinking: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BRUISER? I'm close.

But wait, being a man is better, but they are also the problem? [I do not expect you to follow my stream of consciousness, since I have been working outside for nearly 200 hours this month, I have a lot of time to think about stupid shit like this so trust me]

STICK WITH ME GUYS I'M ALMOST THERE...

SOLUTION: Everyone should be born female….and then have a spontaneous sex change around menopause and turn into a man! So many of life's issues are now magically fixed, here are the top 10 reasons why my ludicrous idear is actually genius:

#1: Everyone gets to have b00bs! You get them taken away eventually, but you get to have your own! Plus by that age you wouldn't want them anymore. No more boob cancer!

#2: By the same token - Everyone gets to have a dick! You get a dick, and You get a dick, and Youuu get a dick! Developing balls later in life? No more ball cancer! Bonus!

#3: Aging is no longer a problem. Those wrinkles that you fret about at 40? You have just turned into a devilishly-handsome Cary Grant, congratulations. and Scha-wing!

#4: You get to experience sex as a man and a woman. Probably not appealing to most, but if you tell me you aren't the least bit curious you ARE A GODDAMN LIAR.

#5: Younger women and older men. Everyone wins. Too easy.

#6: Puberty is essentially a non-issue. And teenage years would be much easier to handle with just girls. Significantly less crying I think.

#7: Didn't like who you were when you were younger? Make mistakes, or just get a shitty hand at life? Guess what! You can do it all over again! It's like a second chance at everything.

#8: Men and women would finally fucking respect each other. I realize how ironic this sounds since I was man-bashing a few paragraphs ago, but I complain about women enough, trust me. 

#9: Which means, less rape, domestic violence, etc. (Sorry for being a Debbie Downer guys but it is totally a valid reason)

#10: Everyone can have a beard if they want one. And I want one. 

Well, I need one to keep all my secrets.

Yeah, so if the world were intelligently designed, this is how it would have freaking gone down. DA END.

And that's it for me folks. If you need me, I'll be the topless, barefoot, dirty, skirt-wearing hippie.

-bruiser

Give the nerds a little respect!!

America loves nerds. We dumb folk love that there are people smart enough to figure shit out like iphones and bombs and shit. We also love to hate on them to make ourselves feel better. And Hollywood figured that one out early and has given us a lot of great dorks. What we end up with is a lot of geeks without a chance in hell of getting the girl (you know the deal: glasses, buttoned polos, guys whiter than mayonnaise... )

Poor dudes! But it turns out its all Hollywood magic (for some).

Remember him? Kip Dynamite! Practically the biggest geek ever.

Well, turns out he's a hottie (with possibly the nicest ginger beard ever, I might add).

And his awesome brother, Napoleon Dynamite?

[I realize not everyone gets off on the mouth-breathing, wire-rimmed glasses and jew fro look like I do]

Yeah, totally hottie too.

What a fucking stache! And keep rocking the mane, dude. It's a fucking mess, but if you got it, flaunt it. The sex hair might not be a coincidence - he is probably getting copious amounts of ass from horny nerd girls. Get it!

He does make an adorable nerd though.

[I love the Benchwarmers so this one is simply for your viewing pleasure]

Guess what? Not a nerd. 

Possible nerd:

And my favorite nerd of all time? Garth Algar, obvi

He makes me feel funny inside, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. Scha-wing.

Everyone like nerds, but everyone loves a hot nerd. They're so educated&shit.

-bruiser

Party Time! Excellent!

Well...football is nearly over. That means that baseballs only 8 months away! Never too soon to start thinking about next years facial hair's and no-hitters. And in the spirit of New Years lasting all month long (or is it just my hangover?) I present to you a guy that knows how to party:

Yes....I am telling you that all you really need to have a proper fiesta is long hair and some rad shades. With those two things, you will be invincible! The frat party hero [still powerless against fire, falling, and ugly chicks. You've been warned].

If you need to get into the spirit of partying, sing to yourself (the volume is up to you) 'I've got 5,000 dollars!' while waving your arms above your head (preferably with sunglasses and long hair). Sets the mood every time.

-bruiser

Not on my Christmas List

[Looking for something Classy? Try this]

There appears to be a moustache sensation shaving the nation. And we don't have to take the bad with the good. No one wants that. Point out crap for what it is: crap. 

So the items below are the things that I will NAWT be asking for this Christmas.

Seriously what is this crap? I blame it on the hipsters. Take it from the top!

1. Mustached Chef Oven Mit - this was actually a postcard from the olden days, so thank gawd its not in production anymore. Oven mits are fugly to begin with, don't make it worse.

2. Set of 4 Mustache Placemats - I get the whole etsy thing - you don't have any real life skills so you make handy crafts and try to support yourself. But....just stop it. That thing is so hein it makes me want to vom. Not only is that the worst mustache I have ever seen, but you can't actually use spandex fabric for a placemat. Sheen is always inappropriate for the table.

3. Urban Outfitter's Carstache - Two things: first, it just looks stupid and you deserved to be mocked for driving and paying $40 for that POS. Secondly, its gross. Can you just imagine all of the dirt and bugs and rain and mold that will be on it after driving around with it for a few days? There's a reason only interiors use cloth. Get the net.

4. My Mustached Friend the Bear Hand Towel - Again with the handmade crafts. Stop it. Hand towels are meant to dry my hands, not to entertain. If I wanted to achieve both, I would get a dyson airblade. That shits awesome.

5. Fake Beards - It just draws attention to the fact that you don't have a beard, like toupees. 

6. Mustache Hair Pin - Because most girls can't grow a mustache, they think its okay to wear it in any form possible. Wearing a mustache in your hair is not okay and looks kindof dangerous. 

7. Mustache Shot Glasses - Not classy. Rather trashy. No longer available from UO, and for good reason.

8. Beardhead - The fastest way to make you look the tool that you are. What about Snuggies? They take longer to ship.

9. Mustache on a Stick - For girls appurantly. FYI, you look stupid.

10. Fingerstache - See also moustache bandages. I have better things to do than decorate my skin with plastic mustaches, thanks. 

11. Mustache Snowglobe - Really not Christmas-y at all. #xmasrelevancyfail

12. Mustache Pillow Covers - Have you ever had a shitty pillow cover? Your face needs a pillowcase that is more into you than it is into itself.

13. Mustache Keychain - Looks like a dumbass dog toy. You better drive a POS if you have that keychain.

14. Mustache Love Ring - Again, mustaches are not meant for jewelry. Shits not manly enough.

15. Mustached Fruit Badges - Fruit neither have faces nor wear mustaches. Don't force it upon them. They clearly are more into beards!

16. Famous Mustaches Mug - As much as I love being educated&shit as I drink from my cups, it doesn't teach me anything I don't already know and is for the amateur moustachist.

17. Flair Hair - Oh boy. So baldies want to wear something that looks like your daughters teddy bear on your head and pretend that you aren't bald? When we can see your natural hair on your sideburns and face? Grow a pair.

18. Chris Mascarenas Shirt - The design is awesome but the shirt is hein and kindof scary.

No thanks.

-bruiser

Brian Wilson's Masshole Beard

My Bro-in-law sent me this video. And is this guy hilarious - he's like a living, breathing and athletic Bruiser.

Jim Rome sounds like a tool. He tried to keep up with Wilson's beard but couldn't. Goatees are usually inept at keeping up with full beards or lavish mustaches - don't try it at home.

Wilson's beard inspirations are the Dos Equis Guy and Chuck Norris. And if you happen to hate this guy, but can't put your finger on it, I can tell you why - he's a Masshole.  I am surrounded by natives of MA frequently, and although none of my peers have been Massholes, which I hear are the worst kind of Massholes, I'd go out on a limb and say some of the staff are Massholes.  And I am currently reeling in pain, trying to deal with the Massholiness that has come into my life. I'm having a good time...Not.

Brian Wilson:  Maybe he's not born with it, maybe its Just for Men.




-bruiser

Psych and Epic Actor Throwbacks

My favorite show has been neglected for too long. There are about a billion reasons why Psych is the best show ever created, but I'll give you a run-down of the most interesting (and sometimes moustached!) characters. Party on!

Woody the Coroner (played by Kurt Fuller) is my favorite character. Russell is also my favorite character in Wayne's World. [Actor throwback #1] I actually squeal when Shawn and Gus hit up the morgue. Ah, obsessions are good for the soul.

Sorry Dulé, your velvety voice and superior head shape do bring you into a *very* close second. I met the very Chocolate Columbo in person recently, and he does not disappoint. Incredibly charismatic, and the man can say 'whaaat' like no ones business.
And look how awesome this episode is going to be this season! Ovaltine Jenkins sports not only a mustache but an afro as well! I don't know how he got by my Black People Month post, but keep an eye out for the Jackal next year.

Chris Sarandon played Ashton Bonaventure and is by far the most interesting man in the world. I mean, his name is Bon-aventure. Anyone with that name immediately increases in interestingness.  Look at how skillfully he balances the world in his hands! And you know how I feel about full hair at that age. Even Shawn admits that it is superior to his own locks. Definitely one guest star I wouldn't mind seeing return. There is never enough silver in the world. Just sayin'.




Jon Gries looks familiar, no? Thats because he's fucking Uncle Rico. [Actor throwback #2] Yes the very same seller of nylon polymer. The amazing thing about this photo is, Uncle Rico looks so normal and uncle-y! He could be your uncle. Watch your back, if your uncle also looks like this he might peg you in the face with a juicy steak.


Your uncle might be an Uncle Rico if he meets these qualifications: 1) has a moustache, 2) played football, 3) is/was a salesman, and/or 4) is Jon Gries.

Cary Elwes returned for the season premier as Pierre Despereaux, notorious art thief. If Chris Sarandon is the most interesting man in the world, Pierre might be the fanciest man in the world. His moustache certainly qualifies him for fancy stateus! Or maybe to play a part in Fancy Feast commercials? I'm not ragging, I've heard there's good money in cat commercials. Plus, he looks so educated&shit.

And guess what? Another mind-blowing connection! [Actor throwback #3 & #4] Both Chris Sarandon and Cary Elwes were in Princess Bride! It's a good thing that these two weren't in the same episode, shit would have imploded (because according to Dulé, it's better in the inside. Honest to god quote), someone would have been stabbed, and moustaches would have been sacrificed. Not cool.

So watch Psych on Wednesdays at 10 (on USA) and see what kind of hilarious trouble Shawn and John Jacob Jingley-Schmidt will get into. And keep bringing the epic guest stars.

-bruiser

Bo Who?

So I had no idea who this dude was before he made headlines for his haircut on People.

His beard is average at best. I'm torn and can't decide how I feel about him. I mean I'm sure he SUCKS since he was on American Idol. That's really just a show for singers who are sub-par by today's standards, which means they sound worse than Miley Cyrus. yikes.

But I mean that I'm torn about his hair. Like I LOB grunge and nearly anything that came out of the 90s besides Seinfeld, and he totally has the grunge look down:

Well, all but that shirt. Cause we know thats not from any decade. But the thing about the grunge look is, he doesn't rock it. Were Kurt Cobain walking around today looking like he did in 1990, no one would question him because he owns that shit. Bo Bice? Just a pissed-on tween who missed the golden days of grunge. And you know he has a crush on Chris Cornell (who doesn't? He looks GOOD) cause he definitely took this picture to his stylist. Unfortunately for him, no one in their right mind would perm that fistful of hairs he calls a mane. Here is said picture because I am oh-so kind and am genuinely concernikist about your well-being:

omg, nice goatee!

But apparently he's ditching whatever Rock he claimed to have before like a dirty ho and has gone country. Because of his midlife crisis, he no longer idolizes Chris Cornell every second of every day (blasphemy!!) but now idolizes that lame actress from that nearly as lame tv show from the 90s FRIENDS.

You see what I mean? He got the 'Rachel'! Highlights and all! wtfwtfwtf!

The verdict is in: Bo Bice officially BLOWS GOATS (I have proof.)

-bruiser