The Value of Beard-Care

Enjoy my would-be fan mail to John Paul Dejoria:

Dear sir,
Your beard is IDEAL at worst - so choice!  I applaud you for demonstrating to men (and women) everywhere that good haircare is necessary.

And I see here that you are advertising for Patrón - so classy!  Although I am sortof obsessed (especially because it has a bee for its emblem - I mean who does that? Move over Lacoste) I am sure that you wash your dishes with Patrón, being a middle-class tequi.  By that I mean if I had a bajillion dollars like you, I would.

If at all possible, I'd like to date one of your sons. Good hair genes are hard to find, and great hair genes - forget it! I am very happy for you that you are no longer homeless (what a fucking backhanded complement, no?), but if you were living on my street, I'd give you my change, even though I use generic brand hair care and drink José (makes me vom just saying it).

Here's wishing you 67 more years of studly beards (and grown men making duck faces)!

-bruiser

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Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.
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But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.
-bruiser

Disheveledness Increases Creepiness Exponentially

I feel so uncomfortable that I missed Facial Hair Friday this week.  I was 'lol'ing all night so it was worth it (aka the hottest mess; that should make it worth it for you too).  Here is something that makes me even more uncomfortable:

Schizam! God damn!

The first thing I have to say is that I do not believe this creature exists.  It is either the abominable snowman in the witness protection program or CGI because I have never been so freaked and confused at the same time. Shits not kosher.

It is so much farther than cracked out Santa Clause, he looks more like he just got done Moses rehearsals at the county theater.  But 76.1% of me wants to say this is actually a woman.

This man is the image of my nightmares, and even if I saw him in person I'd be too afraid to help him.  Cause we all know this man just needs some Suave conditioner, a hair tie and a beard trimmer but that is still like taking a weedwhacker to the Amazon rainforest.  Its much more efficient to set it on fire.

(Please don't set anyone on fire).
-bruiser

Nolte: From Studly to Creepy

Ignore my ignorance, but I don't really remember anything before 2002, so I never remembered Nick Nolte as either A) sane or B) attractive. 

Everytime I think about it, I still find it hard to believe he was ever attractive, since he has hobo smeared all over his face.  Let alone that he was People's Sexiest Man in 1992. Holy shit that means he's 69.  And due to the existence of Sean Connery, his age does not make it an excuse one bit.

Let us stop looking at the horror of your future and focus on his sexy, moustached past.

Sexy. As. Hell.  

Move over Brad Pitt [for the record, I have never thought Brad Pitt was sexy. at all. but I am speaking for the masses here].  This is the reason why I get so depressed - knowing the 70s are 40 years behind us! Back in the days when Nick Nolte knew what conditioner was,  not only did Nick Nolte look slammin', but every other Joe Schmoe looked just like this too.

As much as my mother begs to differ, the 70s were IDEAL and there will be 0 decades better than the 70s. And of course by the 70s I mean 1967-1977.  Flavor-savers and thick heads of hair abound!

Sometimes its better to die young and beautiful than old and stanky
-bruiser

Jakey Gyllenhaal

So Jake Gyllenhaal REALLY likes his facial hair. A lot. And by that I mean that I can't name any other movie besides Donnie Darko in which he is not sporting facial hair. Bubble boy?

And thank Gawd for his love of facial hair. 'Cause Power-Stache loves him (and by Power-Stache I mean me. It's a personal preference).

I'm not going to beat you with in-depth analysis of Gyllenhaal beards and staches...today. I'll just update you on his current stateus.

View the hair - who is this man's stylist? Antoine Dodson? 'Cause that shit looks Noicce!!! That hair is Angel-Soft. Whereas the beard is Brawny strong (clearly.) Everyone is nagging on him for being a lumberjack. Does anyone even know what a lumberjack looks like? 1 - the wear plaid. So he's clearly not a lumberjack. 2 - they have hair thats straight-up gnasty. 3 - they don't know what conditioner is. Jake is not a lumberjack.

I think the beard makes him looks cuddly [I'm not the only person who thinks in this manner - someone in my writing class evaluated my professor and commented that his beard made him seem 'nice'.] Cuddly like Corduroy. I mean, the man clearly isn't exerting his dominance over anyone. So trying to reel in the ladies with his masculine beard is probably the best answer. They love his green overalls.

Dear Jake - here is formal notice that your hair and I are in a relationship. It's as close as I can get to 'facebook official'.

-bruiser

This Is Not News

Everyone freaked out recently that Troy Polamalu has insured his luscious locks for $1 million. And this is not news because hair IS MONEY. If you are like me and Troy here, your hair might be worth $1 million [hence the adjective luscious]. If not, maybe its worth the $200 wig makers are willing to pay you for it.

The dude hasn't cut it in years which is a good move. He has curly hair, no one can tell if you have split ends or not. But I question the ownership of his hair at this very moment (or even as long ago as last sunday) because look who walked into the VMAs with the same hair(do?)

That's my gurl Cher. And who the fuck is trying to touch her ass? Dear Sir, she is not interested. So perhaps Cher raised his $1 million for a new wig. It's possible, if not probable. Cher deals only with the highest-quality hair - no half-breed shit.

Back to Troy. He is the spokesperson for Head and Shoulders. Who is the marketing genius that thought that combo up? They probably came up with the idea of using models with big boobs for Victoria's Secret too. I wonder what walking around with an afro would be like. And Troy, man he takes it to another level. It's OBESE. He probably needs to turn his neck to see anything. This guy can't get a concussion his hair is so thick. I wonder if he takes prenatal supplements?

Hey Troy - Nice Hair.

-bruiser

A Fashionable Facial Hair Friday

This Friday, I decided to enlighten you all with an example of Russia's finest (and most fashionable) facial hairs. Thanks to the Sartorialist, we can ogle over this man from Moscow.

I'll be upfront about this: I don't think I've seen a better looking Russian man before. And I'm not going to lie to you, although I really get my panties in a twist over a good turtleneck, this dude has Noicce Hair.

Can someone translate: Tell me sir where you get your haircut puhleaze. He needs to know how I feel about this.

But forealz, its so retro and he pulls it off googolplex times better than the beatles did. It's the right amount of shag and still professional looking. And zomg, it looks healthy! Don't lie to me, do you use pantene?

I really just want this man to sell me something. Anything. Conditioner, razors, aftershave, turtlenecks, eyeglasses, tacos, whatever. And we haven't even discussed the goatee! Have you seen nicer obtuse angles? His goatee looks like a fucking stop sign! I'd stop for him anytime *wink*wink.

-bruiser