Overpriced, Sexy-Casual

Some people scour magazines or lady-sites like theBerry looking for hot dudes. I always go right for the Sartorialist when I'm in need of a hot dude (or 2).

The title of this post was 'If You're Thinking About...The Perfect Summer Outfit for a Man'. Sartorialist, you should thank me for editing this for you. NEEDED to be done.

Where to start? The guy on the left is a little too hot, if thats possible. He totally looks like he belongs in one of those Chase credit card commercials, or, here's an idea, a real movie? Standing there so casually with his shades, in his fashionably large pants, cigarette in hand, while carrying a very expensive bag. Oh Sartorialist, where do you find these people? And how do you find so many? 

The first thing I noticed was the hair (obvi). Those are very beautiful heads of hair. And the perfect, manicured scruff! The tattoos were probably the easiest part of constructing their respective images - you only have to get them once. If it were me, I'd get at least twice as many. But that's just personal opinion. I like tattoos. 

I get the feeling that it costs a lot to be that causally sexy. Probably more than I make in a year, and while I weep here over economics, I can at least look back at these handsomely constructed figures to make myself feel better.

I'm not sure if I want to be them or be on them. (Sorry I'm not sorry).

-bruiser

Sorority girl rant on head-straps

Some things I will never understand.

Example A: what is the motivation to grow a full head-strap?

Some men still think it is acceptable to grow a chin-strap (here's a clue: it's not). And some of those fools think its okay to grow a strap all around your head so it looks like your breaching your mom's bushy vagina. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

SINNERS! you all need Jesus.

THE FUCK is wrong with you? There have been bad staches, and there have been failstaches here, but there are NONE worse than this. NONE MANY.

And its not just the tool above who thought this was a good idea: 

(side note: the fact that this douche missed the chin-strap concept is HILARIOUS. Distachter x1000)

I get it, some people miss their elementary arts classes and just need to express themselves. Believe me, I GET IT. Cornrows are a great tool to experiment with. Moustaches make excellent canvases for masculine creativity. But CONNECTING YOUR FUCKING NECK HAIR TO YOUR RECEEDING HAIRLINE IS NOT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME OR THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PLACE TO BE "CREATIVE". SHIT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING KOSHER, SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT. JACKASS.  


If you have one of these (as inspired by my favorite sorority girl Rebecca Martinson) let me ask you to punch yourself in the face right now so I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.


That's enough of the internet for today.
-bruiser

Brett Keisel's Beard, Take 2

During my absence, Brett Keisel shaved his iconic beard. It's okay since it was for charity, but Brett - never again. I'm serious.

Here is what he looks like sans-glory:

And with the beard as the world was meant to be:

I don't know why his beard isn't the biggest deal on the internet. It's pretty much the biggest deal in my life - I MEAN FUCKING LOOK AT THAT LUSH FACIAL HAIR.  I'm certain it feels like chinchilla fur.  

I think this is a good opportunity to diskuss the power of the beard. The above picture shows a regular guy. He looks like your brother's roommate. Nice, but nbd. But when you see him with a beard, he levels up to 11 and becomes über-football-sex-god. That is the power of the beard. Its the difference between being and not being pregnant. Because beards are the #1 cause of pregnancy - thats the fact, jack. 

But I'm klarly not the only one who feels this way - many people responded by photoshopping the famous beard onto other people/objects: Enjoy!

-bruiser

Deer This Guy:

So there is an artist from China who has worn a deer mask every day for the last 4 years.

Luo Dan started wearing the mask and became addicted to its 'therapeutic properties'. He says the deer is a 'tame animal'. 

I'm calling BULLSHIT. You know this dude is from China cause he has never seen deer in his life. Those things are NOT tame - they are wild-ass, shifty-eyed motherfuckers who are out to get you. If they don't destroy your car, they will kick you in the head and kill you. Luo Dan has no idea of what an aggressive statement he is making. If he were in America, he'd become instant target practice. Too easy.

Read the full story here.

[Full disclosure I have been shit on by a deer. True story.]

-bruiser

Talking about chest hair, talking about crazy cool medallions

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We've got a great post for you tonight. This is my blog. This is a no-nonsense blog. Let's get down to business.

If you didn't get the reference, check out SNL's Barry Gibb Talk show, its hilarious:

Good Aussie gods of golden lamé, I love the Bee Gees. What isn't there to love about them?

Disco was by far the most epic (and fabulous!) era of pop-culture and these guys were on top. Which means that they are still #winning.

Pop quiz: the Bee Gees are not sexy gods of disco because A) their long, lustrous manes, B) their beards, C) their abundance of chest hair, D) their tight pants, E) their falsettos, G) their crazy, cool medallions, F) their australian accents, G) again, their tight pants.

So in summary, SUPER sexy (plus for brothers they don't all look identical so theres a little something for everyone, amiright? Or in my case, 3 for me! Kidding! but not really.)

I'm pretty sure if I was walking down the street in the 70s and I saw a guy (seriously any guy) wearing a shiny track suit with his tits out (not literally, I mean his chest hair) and pants that tight, I'd think 'he's got balls; I KNOW he has balls because I can literally SEE them'.

...And then I'd probably take him home cause apparently I'm a hypothetical whore, since this is a hypothetical situation. [Obviously this would be pre-AIDS epidemic, but at least its not the SIV, amiright? No?]


 I have no discretion. Sorry I'm not sorry.
-bruiser

Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Art Is Greater Than (Or Equal To) Dead Bunnies

So not sure if you all noticed or not, but I'm really not into the 'lets draw moustaches on sidewalks/shape post-it notes/hang them on your wall' kind of person.  It really loses the magic of the moustache, because all you get is a shape, and you lose the 3D 4Dness of it which is so special. [2D = shape; 3D = moustache; 4D = moustache & gentleman. get it now kids?]

But here is something I can get into: art on moustaches.
Ohhhs. Ahhhs. the concept is mind-blowing!!!!







Thank god someone is thinking outside the copy-and-paste button. Instead of reprinting the same black silhouette as fast as rabbits fucking, lets put time and effort into it, approximately the same amount of time it takes to roast said rabbits to delicious perfection?

For every blind copy of a moustache I see, I swear I will kill a bunny with my car.
-bruiser

source and source

Never Before Seen...For a Reason

You can find anything on the Google Machine....including ginger reverse bang-mullets:

Unseen horrors begone!  Never before could I have imagined such a cruel punishment.  I wasn't quite sure what my greatest fear in life was, but waking up like this is at the top of the list, easy.

This guy isn't even the most heinous of ginger roots out there, so why? So many whys?!  What could possess an individual to grow the most horrifying of fringe [I am more critical of bangs than of even moustaches, I should know, I rocked them. I was fresh to death] whilst shaving the rest of their head?  And all of this while being a fire crotch? Turn in your man-card dude; you can keep your virgin card as long as you want though. I don't even think you could pay someone to take it from you, when you look like a walking case of the herp'. No one wants that.

The shadow of a mustache and chin hair look like some out-of-place bush. Facial vaginas are even worse than actual vaginas. At Sesame Place, this is what one would call a 'code Elmo' - a whole lot of bloody fur and dozens of children running away, screaming.

I hold nothing against you personally, but having seen this image, I hope you crawl in a hole and die.
-bruiser

Permilicious Deliciousness!

One of the many inspirations for Austin Powers, Peter Wyngarde is my favorite drag queen impersonator.  Thats some high quality hair right thurr - ladies would, theoretically, kill for it. I don't mean today because that hair style is so heinous, but its still Nice Hair.



With a little mascara and lip stack, Peter is a regular Tootsie with a moustache.  And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dig it. I'm pretty sure Tootsie wore the same exact outfit, sans tie that is made of the same fabric as his shirt.  What a fashion faux pas!  Maybe he is really a fashion genious, and we still haven't caught up.  After all, he was French (ouhlahlah!)

The quality of the gap between the arms of a moustache is highly underrated.  Much like gaps between teeth (which Peter appears to have - can you say combo?!? This kind of combo makes me crave a Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp. Ranch cures all wounds) only the most fashion forward individuals possess it.

Pete's moustache is really the image of class. And it's sooo European! and with the hair? DOUBLE COMBO - add a dutch apple pie to that order, cause its both refreshing and causes emotional eating, aka calories! And he is a sun-worshipper. That means tan lines ladies! I just added another slice of pie to that order - just wanted to let everyone know I party.

Peter aka Tootsie aka Al (you aren't supposed to understand, so don't get concernikist) aka sexually-confused-Uncle-Rico is the hair, moustache, orthodontia, tanning bed, and linen tie model of my wet dreams. So permilicious I don't even believe it's real. I'm gonna guess it's made from marzipan?

Sorry if this post threw you off your diet. When you party with me you party. hard.
-bruiser

What's My Name?

Well it's not Chuck Woolery, that's for sure.

Chuck Woolery has been replaced on my all-time favorite game show LINGO.

Stupid Bill Engvall is the new drone host on the GSN show. His personality sucks as much as his goatee, which is even more than getting a red ball. Yeah, that bad.

Why are all the men in my life leaving me?

What will the general public do when they are about to go for a commercial break? If Chuck isn't there to remind them that they will be back in 2-and-2, how will people know how long to wait? How will they know?!?


So here is what I understand this new Lingo to be about:
- Knowing how to spell five-letter words  jk we all know that none of the contestants know how to spell shit
- Listening to people go on about their speed-walking club and how much meaning it brings to their life
- Who can stand the longest?




Lingo is now the 2nd biggest waste of your time, right next to Baggage (the PG-13 version of the Jerry Springer show).  If you want to practice spelling words, play words with friends on your iphone and stop wasting your time by letting yourself by ear-raped by Engvall's nasty voice. Or visually assaulted by his salamander face.  Friends don't let friends watch bad tv.

RIP jokes about blue balls
-bruiser

The Value of Beard-Care

Enjoy my would-be fan mail to John Paul Dejoria:

Dear sir,
Your beard is IDEAL at worst - so choice!  I applaud you for demonstrating to men (and women) everywhere that good haircare is necessary.

And I see here that you are advertising for Patrón - so classy!  Although I am sortof obsessed (especially because it has a bee for its emblem - I mean who does that? Move over Lacoste) I am sure that you wash your dishes with Patrón, being a middle-class tequi.  By that I mean if I had a bajillion dollars like you, I would.

If at all possible, I'd like to date one of your sons. Good hair genes are hard to find, and great hair genes - forget it! I am very happy for you that you are no longer homeless (what a fucking backhanded complement, no?), but if you were living on my street, I'd give you my change, even though I use generic brand hair care and drink José (makes me vom just saying it).

Here's wishing you 67 more years of studly beards (and grown men making duck faces)!

-bruiser

source

Bolton's Stache is Blowing Shit Up

Ex-ambassador to the society of western whiteheads (aka the UN), John Bolton's moustache confuses me.  In case you aren't familiar, he's a neo-conservative who seems to want to rape all of the countries in the world into submission.  And he may be running for president.

He's even more stubborn than myself (moustaches often give you that kind of confidence), which would make him a good leader, but excuse my french, fuckno.  There are not enough iodine pills in the world to protect us from his theoretical moustached administration.

If you want to see him lie out his ass, click here.  He claims to be inintimidatable. That makes sense, I mean did you see that stache?  Only alpha dogs have staches like that.  Except that means his moustache is truly his achilles heel.  Where is Delilah when you need her? [sidenote: If anyone decides to begin a rebellion, I am permitting the name 'Delilah' to be used as long as the main goal is to defolicalize the moustached Sampsons of the political world.]

I am confused because his stache is quite the contrary to my previous post, which explained why facial hair is darker than head hair. I am fairly certain he dyes his hair, but who the fuck dyes their hair to Nasty-Ass Gray (actual color name).  I also suspect that this is his plan B - blow everyone's minds (literally) via confusion and then blow everyone else's thyroids who is resistant to the power of facial hair.  Wait a hot sec, thats a great idea. I'm on board.

-bruiser

source

When the Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes...

...We're talking beards here people, not muffstaches.

This phenomenon actually happens more than one would think, usually because the facial hair is younger than the hair on the top of one's head.


Michael Hall from Dexter is the perfect example of what I am talking about. It's a shame that he's a firecrotch (okay we might be talking about muffstaches as well...) because the upper half of his face is hot.  Unfortunately for him, the lower half is not, and there is no partial credit or participation points in the real world for hotness.




The real pity is that it affects gingers more than normal people.  If a ginger has outgrown their gingerness, life shouldn't be so cruel as to afflict them again. But maybe its nature's way of ensuring we don't become passive about the ginger problem, and that we especially don't breed with such individuals. What a fucking distachter that would be!

Although not only gingers go through this, silver foxes are also reportedly affected by the carpets not matching the drapes.  Now I'm not saying this man is a silver fox per-say, but he illustrates the point I am making here.

It can actually be very endearing to older men, especially balding ones.










Ew or you could look like this guy. I'm going to say that maybe partial credit should be awarded for hotness because the alternative is visually disturbing at best. Shit is just not kosher, no matter which way you fry it. This particular case is mentally disturbing; a classifiable nutjob.  Even more disturbing than this. And you're welcome!



-bruiser

source & source

The Invisible Stache

I am about to address an issue that has been largely under the radar of facial hair connoisseurs for a long time - the invisible stache.

The invisible stache is usually a man with strawberry blond or simply blond hair who grows a moustache or other facial hair that very closely matches their skin color. Exhibit A:

When you see a man with an invisible stache, you must do a double take to be sure he actually has a stache instead of a double take to admire such facial hair.  I'm going to be blunt here and say its pretty pathetic.

You all know by now that I believe that everyone should grow facial hair that is hormonally competent, so I am not suggesting that they shave these abominations.  There are solutions.

The simplest and most effective solution is to grow a real moustache rather than continue to pretend your stubble is authentic or even manly, cause its not.

Although a below average stache, the 'is it or isn't it?' question is no longer applicable. An easy win-win for the facial hair world I think.

The other solution would be to dye one's stubble (a la Brian Wilson) which is exhausting, not to mention distracting and not classy.

So all you lightweight gingers out there, do us a favor and grow out your damn moustache (or beard!) and don't keep us poor folk guessing.  Figure it out cause this shit ain't kosher.

[This doesn't count either.]

-bruiser

source source source and source

Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.
sademoticon.com

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.
-bruiser

Disheveledness Increases Creepiness Exponentially

I feel so uncomfortable that I missed Facial Hair Friday this week.  I was 'lol'ing all night so it was worth it (aka the hottest mess; that should make it worth it for you too).  Here is something that makes me even more uncomfortable:

Schizam! God damn!

The first thing I have to say is that I do not believe this creature exists.  It is either the abominable snowman in the witness protection program or CGI because I have never been so freaked and confused at the same time. Shits not kosher.

It is so much farther than cracked out Santa Clause, he looks more like he just got done Moses rehearsals at the county theater.  But 76.1% of me wants to say this is actually a woman.

This man is the image of my nightmares, and even if I saw him in person I'd be too afraid to help him.  Cause we all know this man just needs some Suave conditioner, a hair tie and a beard trimmer but that is still like taking a weedwhacker to the Amazon rainforest.  Its much more efficient to set it on fire.

(Please don't set anyone on fire).
-bruiser

Bird Beard

Those who know me personally know that I am positively obsessed with birds. Therefore it is only natural for me to dedicate a post to the bearded tit.

First of all, let me just say that its a shame that North America doesn't have any of the 'tit' species because who the fuck doesn't love a great pair of tits?

Second, how elegant is this bird? I'd either call it more of a handlebar or sideburns, but honestly, it's a bird so we shouldn't be calling out technicalities.

I could go into detail about every little thing I love about birds but I'll refrain.  It's enough to love the superficial simplicity of these creatures without going into the detail as to why they should be everyman's favorite animal. Even if I did I'm not sure I could do it justice.

I'm pretty sure it lives the life every bearded man wants to live, affairs abound and constantly outshining the competition.  Plus the straight ones can be as flamboyant as they want and no one would give two fucks - the life of a bird is dope.

Endofstory.
-bruiser

source

The Hollywood Moustache

Most of Hollywood's sexiest men have sported a stache at one point or another in their careers.  But more interesting than that, they have all sported the same moustache - all of them. Check it:

John Gilbert

Errol Flynn

 The ever-sexy Cary Grant

 Clark Gable

Douglas Fairbanks 

John Barrymore 

 Robert Taylor

Vincent Price 

William Powell

There's a reason the Hollywood moustache caught on like a case of the herp'.  It exudes intelligence, control, wealth, and class.  You can't tell me that (nearly) any man with freshly pomade hair, a skinny tie, a tweed suit with pressed lapels, a fedora and a hollywood moustache shaved with a straight razor isn't gonna make your panties drop.

Which genius will bring it back in style first?

-bruiser

The Royal Wedding Moustache

Everyone and their mother (especially their mother) watched the royal wedding today.  And although dull as weddings go (I find all weddings to be dull; I'm positive that both bride and groom also feel this way because if you watched them, you'd think they were serving detention at how inattentive they are during the ceremony). We all know that the best part is the reception because its post-pictures and the food (and drinks!) are delicious.

During the pre-ceremony, I spied a delightful man who I believe was a member of the royal family as he was wearing some military attire.  Although I did not get a picture then, I did find one of him from afar (and I will be adding the closeup once the broadcast reloops).

What you see here my friends is a sixth of the best moustache within all of Westminster Abbey today, guaranteed. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

I also didn't register this toothbrush stache the first time - what a find!

And I didn't realize people still wore those - I guess the 'too soon' period is now over for WWII.

And this was the stache I expected to be on every man's face in attendance over 60.  England, why you no like moustaches?

At first I hated the halloween parade all of the invitees thought they were invited to, but now I'm diggin' it.  It was pretty awesome to see every woman looking like a complete dump, and all of the men looking dapper with their tie pins and 6 shades of complementary colors.  And by every woman, I mean all of them except the Middleton family - mother and daughters looked amazing. So much class...and no one told me her mother was Angelica Huston. She's uhmazing!  And she had the sexiest suit/dress/ensemble.

Mrs. Middleton-382, Everyone else-0.
-bruiser

Daniel Tosh Needs His Beard

Whilst checking out sexy astronauts, I came across this gentleman - Karol Bobko.  I immediately thought he looked an awful lot like Daniel Tosh.  And then I thought he looked a lot like Chris Pronger too.  I decided he looks like he could be Chris Pronger's dad, but with all of the creepiness factor of Tosh (its a good thing for Tosh, I'm not sure about Karol here though).

The similarity is uncanny.

Tosh is Power-Stache kind of funny - ever racist and painfully truthful.  He tells it like it is and doesn't apologize - for a metrosexual, he's rather manly.  And normally clean-shaven, I think he ought to keep the beard, although it doesn't work well with his 'am-I-gay-or-arent-I?' aura that he bank$ on.

Back to Karol, it looks like something Tosh would do on his show.  Why shouldn't a man of so many hats also wear a space helmet?  Ladies would be begging for his questionably kosher meat (yes I did just use kosher as a euphemism for straight. I don't know why anyone hasn't done so before).

And if you aren't familiar with the family-friendly program, he changes his attire on a regular basis - hoodies, button downs, deep-Vs, and collared shirts.  He is running out of types of shirts offered at american apparel, and recycling one's wardrobe isn't classy.  Before he starts accessorizing and sporting berets, I propose he wear a beard.  Were I an MD I'd prescribe it to every joe-schmoe that walked down the street, and Tosh here is no exception.  A beard would be his Side-Show Bob, his Robin, and carry his lame jokes written by movie writer dropout interns.

Cross your fingers and hope for everyones sake Tosh wears both a beard and a space helmet for the summer. Or double-breasted vests.
-bruiser

source