Art Is Greater Than (Or Equal To) Dead Bunnies

So not sure if you all noticed or not, but I'm really not into the 'lets draw moustaches on sidewalks/shape post-it notes/hang them on your wall' kind of person.  It really loses the magic of the moustache, because all you get is a shape, and you lose the 3D 4Dness of it which is so special. [2D = shape; 3D = moustache; 4D = moustache & gentleman. get it now kids?]

But here is something I can get into: art on moustaches.
Ohhhs. Ahhhs. the concept is mind-blowing!!!!







Thank god someone is thinking outside the copy-and-paste button. Instead of reprinting the same black silhouette as fast as rabbits fucking, lets put time and effort into it, approximately the same amount of time it takes to roast said rabbits to delicious perfection?

For every blind copy of a moustache I see, I swear I will kill a bunny with my car.
-bruiser

source and source

Simpsons Tribute: Randy Johnson

I love all things Simpsons....well, except the movie because the only funny part about it was 'spider-pig'.  And I especially love it when they pay tribute to moustaches.  Randy Johnson received this great honor a while ago, but still a shining moment for America's favorite family [that depends on who you ask of course. [Stupid Family Guy].


I am always surprised that the only character with a moustache is Ned Flanders. The only one if you don't count Luigi, but who remembers him? Eventhough I am not a huge fan of Bible-toters, I still want Ned to be my neighbor. Better than Homer, considering he's an insurance liability.

And Lisa (always adorable yet painfully annoying) also rocked a flavor-savor in Randy's honor. I don't remember why she shanked the book, but to her it's blasphemous - good moustaches bring out the badass in everyone. I also never understood her unending desire to wear a tube-top dress. 

Screams slut to me.

Anyone remember other moustache rocking cameos?
-bruiser

Miley Cyrus and Jimmy Kimmel Bore Me to Tears

So last night Miley Cyrus was on Jimmy Kimmel. Big whoop. Shes going to be hosting SNL tomorrow night anyway, so I suggest we all shoot ourselves (no, not really. And I am going to watch SNL because the Strokes are performing - doooppe!).

I have to say it: I have never, ever found Jimmy Kimmel to be funny.  He is your coworker who you avoid contact with because he just tries way too hard, and although you pity the guy, you can't be around him out of fear of laughing (and not with him mind you).

So I shouldn't be surprised when they do a half-assed job at giving Miley a fake moustache.  I don't even think its made of any kind of fiber whatsoever - it might be a sticker? Or maybe its painted.
Either way its a piece of shit.

And I have no idea what the fuck shes promoting.  I mean she might have another disney movie out. Or she might be talking about how much she hates her dad. Or she might be releasing a new album, I seriously have no clue. Its more likely that the mourning period of her reputation is over, and now shes trying to patch it up with moustaches. Clever Miley, but no.

Miley_Cyrus#Failstache
-bruiser

(source)

Not on my Christmas List

[Looking for something Classy? Try this]

There appears to be a moustache sensation shaving the nation. And we don't have to take the bad with the good. No one wants that. Point out crap for what it is: crap. 

So the items below are the things that I will NAWT be asking for this Christmas.

Seriously what is this crap? I blame it on the hipsters. Take it from the top!

1. Mustached Chef Oven Mit - this was actually a postcard from the olden days, so thank gawd its not in production anymore. Oven mits are fugly to begin with, don't make it worse.

2. Set of 4 Mustache Placemats - I get the whole etsy thing - you don't have any real life skills so you make handy crafts and try to support yourself. But....just stop it. That thing is so hein it makes me want to vom. Not only is that the worst mustache I have ever seen, but you can't actually use spandex fabric for a placemat. Sheen is always inappropriate for the table.

3. Urban Outfitter's Carstache - Two things: first, it just looks stupid and you deserved to be mocked for driving and paying $40 for that POS. Secondly, its gross. Can you just imagine all of the dirt and bugs and rain and mold that will be on it after driving around with it for a few days? There's a reason only interiors use cloth. Get the net.

4. My Mustached Friend the Bear Hand Towel - Again with the handmade crafts. Stop it. Hand towels are meant to dry my hands, not to entertain. If I wanted to achieve both, I would get a dyson airblade. That shits awesome.

5. Fake Beards - It just draws attention to the fact that you don't have a beard, like toupees. 

6. Mustache Hair Pin - Because most girls can't grow a mustache, they think its okay to wear it in any form possible. Wearing a mustache in your hair is not okay and looks kindof dangerous. 

7. Mustache Shot Glasses - Not classy. Rather trashy. No longer available from UO, and for good reason.

8. Beardhead - The fastest way to make you look the tool that you are. What about Snuggies? They take longer to ship.

9. Mustache on a Stick - For girls appurantly. FYI, you look stupid.

10. Fingerstache - See also moustache bandages. I have better things to do than decorate my skin with plastic mustaches, thanks. 

11. Mustache Snowglobe - Really not Christmas-y at all. #xmasrelevancyfail

12. Mustache Pillow Covers - Have you ever had a shitty pillow cover? Your face needs a pillowcase that is more into you than it is into itself.

13. Mustache Keychain - Looks like a dumbass dog toy. You better drive a POS if you have that keychain.

14. Mustache Love Ring - Again, mustaches are not meant for jewelry. Shits not manly enough.

15. Mustached Fruit Badges - Fruit neither have faces nor wear mustaches. Don't force it upon them. They clearly are more into beards!

16. Famous Mustaches Mug - As much as I love being educated&shit as I drink from my cups, it doesn't teach me anything I don't already know and is for the amateur moustachist.

17. Flair Hair - Oh boy. So baldies want to wear something that looks like your daughters teddy bear on your head and pretend that you aren't bald? When we can see your natural hair on your sideburns and face? Grow a pair.

18. Chris Mascarenas Shirt - The design is awesome but the shirt is hein and kindof scary.

No thanks.

-bruiser

My Classy Christmas List

The holiday season is here! A lot of you probably don't know what to get ol' Bruiser here, but no worries! [Look no further than this list to find out what Bruiser does NOT WANT.] I picked out the classiest 'stache gifts of the season:



1. Moustached Cufflinks - Nothing says class act like cufflinks or moustaches, so its only natural that they go so well together. Like peanut butter and jelly.

2. "Ain't ya got a little class to go with that mustache?" Poster - The coolest poster of all time. Hands and staches down.

3. Yosemite Sam Key Ring - It's made of repurposed suede (classy) and thats green, which makes it even more classy.

4. Moustached Glass - The classiest thing to come out of UO ever.

5. Moustached pacifier - I neither have a child nor intend on receiving this item, but if you are a parent struggling with your baby's ugliness or unsuaveness, this may be the answer.

6. Moustached Octopus - There are about 0 animals cooler than the octopus, its so fucking smart it blows my mind. And when they wear moustaches, I reconsider my career path.

7. Moustached Moose Shirt - Mooses are cool shit. I never want to encounter one, but they are about as epic as North America gets. I am inspired to buy a Moose head and attach a moustache to it. Or call the manager of Bugaboo Creek.


Easily the classiest Christmas eva
-bruiser

That's A Dope Stache You Have There

Eric Clapton is obsessed with mustaches. And its cool 'cause I'm obsessed with Eric Clapton.

It's in the way that you use it. 

He looks GOOD. I mean back in the day. And today too. He's pretty much a 60 year old dreamboat. Hes aged really well for being a victim of the 60s.

But this album cover! Looks a little like Jesus to me. Which is simply due to the long hair/beard combination christians have propagated for eternity. Either way, his hair is GORGE. I want to pet it. And thats a long-lookin' stache. It's actually pretty serious. Can you imagine witnessing the blues come out of that thing in its prime? I mean, I would actually have fainted, but in theory, its a nice thing to imagine staying conscious to see.
It is difficult to discern (what a large word!) where his hair ends and his beard begins. Which is awesome and should be patented to fat women with high levels of testosterone. Instant face thinning and an attractive beard? Bonus!


When he was with Cream, they smoked a lot of who-knows-what and wrote a song called SWLABR. Now kids, if you think anything on this blog is remotely messed up, try writing a song that's title is an acronym. I think it's weird, but technically it's probably dope. (It stands for 'She Walks Like A Bearded Rainbow' btws).

And in SWLABR, Cream refers to a girl (clearly a heartbreaker) who APPURANTLY was a fake. BIG F-ING SURPRISE THERE. Wow. Thats so rare! A girl who turned out to be a liar. Because I've never heard that one before.
So anyway, they say that shes like a picture with a mustache or a rainbow with a beard or something. Which makes sense. If she wore a mustache/beard, it means that shes super-attractive on the outside but just a stupid double rainbow painting on the inside. And no one wants that. Cause who knows what it means anyway?

Hey Clapton, we all know that Flavor-Saver is saving more than that burrito. That's clever.

-bruiser

Fake Stache Sunday

I have no idea when this commercial came into existence, but on a scale of 1 to 10, i'd rate it as relevant to Sports Stache Sundays.

Okay Peyton. That is the fakest fake-stache I have ever seen. It's nearly falling off on the right side. However, not your fault. That's sprints fault. They're just so cheap. But it's hard not to be when you shell out big bucks for quarterbacks like Peyton Manning.

It is more than the mustache that's cheap. There is nothing going on in the commercial at all besides his spiel in his garage. Why is he even in a garage? Isn't the living room a more appropriate place?

Peyton's weave looks really nice here. High-quality human hair right there. He's gone darker, must have been wintertime. 

-bruiser

You're still out! You'rre still fat!

I realize it's been a lot of baseball staches so far, but I couldn't resist this gem:

As funny as getting hit in the groin with a baseball is, what's truly funny about this card is the face. Ignoring his momentary agony, why the hell is his stache crooked? Looks fake to me. A good mustache should always move with the mouth. Plus he looks like he just might cry. It's okay because he's also wearing a softball uniform. You can tell by the cut on the sleeve that it's for sissys.

Another burning question is, who gets to decide what photos to put on baseball cards and how does one acquire such a job? I could have photographers throw baseballs at players all day, just for my amusement. Another question, what child want's this photo in their card collection? I would be uncomfortable allowing my child to muse over it in a collection. "Sorry son, daddy accidentally burnt it with his cigarette. Went up in flames. Wish you could have seen it."

You know, he might just be auditioning for the part of Clark in Benchwarmers. Keith would make a good paper boy.

-bruiser

'Probably' Is Good Enough For Castrol Oil

So in writing this weeks Facial Hair Friday post, I came across this commercial and I couldn't resist adding my personal commentary. I mean, this commercial was made for this blog. Probably [see what I did there?].

View 0:00 - Check out that stache! I will forever associate Castrol Edge with decent average staches and full heads of hair.

View 0:03 - Enter slap-happy Scotsman with a fake beard. Ginger.

View 0:12 - Balding bowler [who hangs out with pattern-baldness nerd and black dude with normal hair and beard? what?]

View 0:15 - Average commercial Joe wearing plaid and scruff. This is why everyone hates America.

For future reference, I really ought to call lame facially-haired men who think with their dipsticks 'Jimmy'.

-bruiser

Forte's Fake

Just because SNL is over for the season, doesn't mean we can't talk about it. And how about that guy Will Forte? He seems to be their go-to man for moustached characters and he is stachetastic. From Mr. Dillon in the Gilly skits to the ESPN announcer, Greg Stink, Forte has the mustache down to nearly natural.

Look at it! He loves it. I mean derr.

Lets discuss the acclaimed opposite band, Jon

Bovi. How good are they? Can someone find me a cd puhleze? Love all around for the Jon Bovi crew, including Seth Meyers, but I mean look at Forte's moustache. It has more volume than Jon Bon Jovi ever had in his heyday. And the gayest fishnet shirt I have ever seen. If only Stefon could get a piece of that action. THATS HOW YOU DO IT.

Another one of Forte's more clueless characters, Mr. Dillon is constantly duped by Gilly, but don't let that fool you - the man does know a thing or two about facial hair. It is the ideal middle-class mustache: a little on the thin side and extra lengthy, but still perfectly shaped to show his displeasure.

I can't wait to see more stachetastic characters from Forte come fall. Oh, and who can I talk to about more Jon Bovi Updates?

-bruiser