Give the nerds a little respect!!

America loves nerds. We dumb folk love that there are people smart enough to figure shit out like iphones and bombs and shit. We also love to hate on them to make ourselves feel better. And Hollywood figured that one out early and has given us a lot of great dorks. What we end up with is a lot of geeks without a chance in hell of getting the girl (you know the deal: glasses, buttoned polos, guys whiter than mayonnaise... )

Poor dudes! But it turns out its all Hollywood magic (for some).

Remember him? Kip Dynamite! Practically the biggest geek ever.

Well, turns out he's a hottie (with possibly the nicest ginger beard ever, I might add).

And his awesome brother, Napoleon Dynamite?

[I realize not everyone gets off on the mouth-breathing, wire-rimmed glasses and jew fro look like I do]

Yeah, totally hottie too.

What a fucking stache! And keep rocking the mane, dude. It's a fucking mess, but if you got it, flaunt it. The sex hair might not be a coincidence - he is probably getting copious amounts of ass from horny nerd girls. Get it!

He does make an adorable nerd though.

[I love the Benchwarmers so this one is simply for your viewing pleasure]

Guess what? Not a nerd. 

Possible nerd:

And my favorite nerd of all time? Garth Algar, obvi

He makes me feel funny inside, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. Scha-wing.

Everyone like nerds, but everyone loves a hot nerd. They're so educated&shit.

-bruiser

Overpriced, Sexy-Casual

Some people scour magazines or lady-sites like theBerry looking for hot dudes. I always go right for the Sartorialist when I'm in need of a hot dude (or 2).

The title of this post was 'If You're Thinking About...The Perfect Summer Outfit for a Man'. Sartorialist, you should thank me for editing this for you. NEEDED to be done.

Where to start? The guy on the left is a little too hot, if thats possible. He totally looks like he belongs in one of those Chase credit card commercials, or, here's an idea, a real movie? Standing there so casually with his shades, in his fashionably large pants, cigarette in hand, while carrying a very expensive bag. Oh Sartorialist, where do you find these people? And how do you find so many? 

The first thing I noticed was the hair (obvi). Those are very beautiful heads of hair. And the perfect, manicured scruff! The tattoos were probably the easiest part of constructing their respective images - you only have to get them once. If it were me, I'd get at least twice as many. But that's just personal opinion. I like tattoos. 

I get the feeling that it costs a lot to be that causally sexy. Probably more than I make in a year, and while I weep here over economics, I can at least look back at these handsomely constructed figures to make myself feel better.

I'm not sure if I want to be them or be on them. (Sorry I'm not sorry).

-bruiser

Talking about chest hair, talking about crazy cool medallions

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We've got a great post for you tonight. This is my blog. This is a no-nonsense blog. Let's get down to business.

If you didn't get the reference, check out SNL's Barry Gibb Talk show, its hilarious:

Good Aussie gods of golden lamé, I love the Bee Gees. What isn't there to love about them?

Disco was by far the most epic (and fabulous!) era of pop-culture and these guys were on top. Which means that they are still #winning.

Pop quiz: the Bee Gees are not sexy gods of disco because A) their long, lustrous manes, B) their beards, C) their abundance of chest hair, D) their tight pants, E) their falsettos, G) their crazy, cool medallions, F) their australian accents, G) again, their tight pants.

So in summary, SUPER sexy (plus for brothers they don't all look identical so theres a little something for everyone, amiright? Or in my case, 3 for me! Kidding! but not really.)

I'm pretty sure if I was walking down the street in the 70s and I saw a guy (seriously any guy) wearing a shiny track suit with his tits out (not literally, I mean his chest hair) and pants that tight, I'd think 'he's got balls; I KNOW he has balls because I can literally SEE them'.

...And then I'd probably take him home cause apparently I'm a hypothetical whore, since this is a hypothetical situation. [Obviously this would be pre-AIDS epidemic, but at least its not the SIV, amiright? No?]


 I have no discretion. Sorry I'm not sorry.
-bruiser

Dave Grohl is the Man

Let's have a conversation about how awesome Dave Grohl is.

Not only does he front the Foo Fighters, but he was in fucking Nirvana dude.

Not only does he have musical skillz but he has hair skillz too! I love that he has kept the rocker mane. Too many rockers go bald whimp out (technically he whimped out once but he's back now so its all cool). Plus he has a sick beard. If the most beautiful goatee and a 5 o'clock shadow made a baby, it was Dave Grohl. Such a juicy combo.
Plus Plus he offers super Cosmopolitan-quality grooming tips:

Stay sexxxy Dave.

-bruiser

Reality TV

Until recently, I've never been crazy about TV. Through college I didn't own one, so I only watched what I could on hulu. But now I get free cable (thanks overpriced rental agreement) and I can't get enough and its melting my fucking brain.

Can you guess what my newest obsession is? Of course you can and of course its Duck Dynasty.

Their beards are everything I've ever dreamt of. Who knew that I needed to travel to bumblefuck Louisiana to find them?

This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of reality TV. I've seen Pawn Stars, I've seen those damn fishing shows. I didn't get it. I didn't give a crap about those people or what they were doing for a living but holy god do I give so many fucks about the Duck Dynasty family. It has everything a girl could want: long haired men, beards, guns, and fucking ducks.

So fucking majestic.

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you I was a huge fan of the 'I'm slightly famous and want to be more famous so look at my stupid fake life' reality TV. I was really into Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I just loved the strippers (I mean, who doesn't love the strippers?). I also was really into Keeping up with the Kardashians but not because I like Kim (she has a fat ass but she's disgusting), but because I love Scott Disick.

What isn't there to love about Lord Disick? He is the realest thing on the show (and yes, he got Kourtney pregnant and is now making loads of money off of it) but he doesn't take the Kardashians seriously and sees them for the joke that they are. But he has so much $wag its not even funny.

I think he represents the other half of my personality - the half that is always battling my Duck Dynasty half. Hence, I end up being a semi-shaven, occasionally showered, but all kinds of sexy woman #fact. And no that's not a joke, I actually have that much self-confidence. 

The other great thing about Scott is that he can (sometimes) grow decent facial hair. It really looks good on him (sexxxy scruff!), but I am 100% sure he is too much of a pussy bitch to grow a real beard. So I will continue to watch Duck Dynasty (and Vikings looks awesome - something to dull the pain while Game of Thrones is on hiatus, am I right?). I'm pretty sure that's all I need in life (pathetic I know).

I'm back bitches!

-bruiser

Permilicious Deliciousness!

One of the many inspirations for Austin Powers, Peter Wyngarde is my favorite drag queen impersonator.  Thats some high quality hair right thurr - ladies would, theoretically, kill for it. I don't mean today because that hair style is so heinous, but its still Nice Hair.



With a little mascara and lip stack, Peter is a regular Tootsie with a moustache.  And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dig it. I'm pretty sure Tootsie wore the same exact outfit, sans tie that is made of the same fabric as his shirt.  What a fashion faux pas!  Maybe he is really a fashion genious, and we still haven't caught up.  After all, he was French (ouhlahlah!)

The quality of the gap between the arms of a moustache is highly underrated.  Much like gaps between teeth (which Peter appears to have - can you say combo?!? This kind of combo makes me crave a Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp. Ranch cures all wounds) only the most fashion forward individuals possess it.

Pete's moustache is really the image of class. And it's sooo European! and with the hair? DOUBLE COMBO - add a dutch apple pie to that order, cause its both refreshing and causes emotional eating, aka calories! And he is a sun-worshipper. That means tan lines ladies! I just added another slice of pie to that order - just wanted to let everyone know I party.

Peter aka Tootsie aka Al (you aren't supposed to understand, so don't get concernikist) aka sexually-confused-Uncle-Rico is the hair, moustache, orthodontia, tanning bed, and linen tie model of my wet dreams. So permilicious I don't even believe it's real. I'm gonna guess it's made from marzipan?

Sorry if this post threw you off your diet. When you party with me you party. hard.
-bruiser

Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.
sademoticon.com

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.
-bruiser

Boston Marathon

Marathon monday was such the shitshow.  Seriously, its Mardi Gras for Boston.  Bitches be so drunk they would have shown their boobs to anyone who asked.

But the marathon itself was great.  Although strongly lacking in the facial hair department - I'd sometimes wait 15 minutes before seeing another.  Unfortunately I missed a few individuals who I remember as absolute PERFEKTION because of the drunk asshole in front of me who decided it was cool to lean 8 feet over the railing.  Click on the album link to see all of the photos and leave a comment.

Boston Marathon

Not only is this picture great because she's totally vibing La Toya Jackson, but check out the best beard of the marathon behind her.

So this guy appears to be royally creeped out by me taking his picture. Calm yourself son, I'm just admiring your beard.

I hope I age as well as Mike here.  And I just noticed his kerchief - noicce!  Totally goes perfectly with his pants, which I have in black and white! Brother from another mother I'm sure.

Solo cups and a super moustache.

I think Movember should hold a run that way everyone must have a real or fake moustache.  That would hold my attention.

-bruiser

Moustached Astronauts

So I spent a good two hours looking at the wikipedia pages of every astronaut listed.  I was surprised at how few Astronauts had mustaches (although a lot more had moustaches than had beards).  I counted about 13% of astronauts had moustaches, whereas about 15% of the current male population has moustaches.  And these photos span the moustache-heavy years too.  So strange.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you the best of the best of the men who work for NASA.

Every time I see this photo I get strangely girly inside.  Because I think that might be one of the best moustaches I have ever laid eyes on.  I do declare it Sam-Elliott-quality!
The shape, the color, the liplessness - so fucking IDEAL.
It's a shame such a glorious moustache died so young with David Griggs.  He was a dreamboat.

James Adamson shows off another terrific 'stache.  Not iconic in anyway, but really just right in every way possible.  And what a sexy suit!  I feel bad for the men and women who take their picture looking like either a criminal or a giant marshmallow.

Sherwood Spring sports such the BK combo - a luscious moustache and Nice Hair.  Zesty, I dare say.











If you happen to know an astronaut, encourage him to put down the razor.  We really need more moustaches in space.
-bruiser

Why I Actually Love Brett Kiesel's Beard

Remember Brett Kiesel's beard and its epic awesomeness?  Pretend not to be surprised when I tell you that I don't love it for what it actually is - I'm not loving the beard for the beard's sake.

Take a good long look at this photo.

Want know what it reminds me of? (Read: what it should remind you of?)

My man Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Brett Kiesel is clearly a huge fan and using the man as a style inspiration.  Solid move, I do the same thing too.  Ian Anderson is a musical genius, which totally reads via his choice of garb.

Heavy Horses also happens to be my favorite Tull album - Kiesel is closer and closer to becoming my biffffle everyday!


This particular snapshot is quite tame for Anderson, who spent the first 10 years of his career in disco boots and wild, unkempt hair - an accessory to his crazy eyes:

Credit: Charlie Auringer

Not only does this man know how to write songs about absurd things while using proper grammar (something I haven't been able to achieve, klarly) because he's so educated&shit, he does it while rocking one of the largest beards known to rock n' roll (2nd to ZZ Top).  Febreeze fresh I dare say. His insane mane is glorious.  And to top it all off, he sports a flute.




He's a dreamboat.  I'm going to go out on a very secure and short limb here, and say that Ian Anderson is the source of hipsterism today.  And that actually makes hipsters a little bit more okay.  It makes complete sense that all the hipsters would be trying to get in on this action.

Credit: Rick Kahlmeyer

Here's one from Warchild/Minstrel era - hence the codpiece.  This man is the source of my envy of curls, considering I don't have a single sulfide-bond to call my own [sademoticon.com]. Note the sideburns, which are IDEAL.

And he is still the manliest man around while wearing leggings. Guys, take note. And no, you are not now permitted to wear leggings.


Heres hoping that another musician may one day profit off of songs written about homeless men, kinky girls and farming instead of fireflies.

-bruiser

No One Messes With My Bitch

So of all the men, beards, and moustaches, I have yet to inform you all about my affair with Whoppi Goldberg.  In short, I'm pretty much in lesbians with her.  No one comes close to Whoppi.

And the New York Times just ignored her Academy Award?  This woman earned that hunk of gold, and deserves 10 more, thankyouverymuch.  Here is the NY Times article, and as of Monday night, she was not mentioned.  The NY Times should do a full front page apology to my lady.

Listen to her be pissed on the subject.  It's what she does best.



My love for Whoopi began the first 100 times I watched Sister Act when I was 8 or 9 years old.  And I've seen it 300 more times since then, but that is extraneous information. Let us discuss Sister Act for a hot second, kay?

She starts out as a slutty lounge singer. You can't imagine that it gets better but it does.

She is a classy lady!

She has a gold lamé
jacket. And she has bangin' shades. Have you seen this hair! Shits Noicce. I now have a new Halloween costume. Check that shit off the list.

Nun of that!

She actually sang in it. For years I thought she didn't, but that ain't no church-voice honey.

Sister Mary Clarence also understands the importance of deep shoulder action. So easily overlooked!

PS - the sequel to Sister Act is called 'Back in the Habit'. Writing genius I tell you.

This is what the Roman

 Catholic Church looked like before Whoopi stepped into it [Note the moustache. A redeeming quality for the RCC].  No pretty.  That face is actually an universal reaction to the RCC.  Therefore church gives you crow's feet. Don't want that.

Did I mention what a sexy bitch she is? I don't know if its the hair, the studded bustier, or the lack of eyebrows that turns me on, but keep it coming!

She turns 'Bless you' into curse words. Floored yet?

She also has a showdown with Dame Maggie Smith, the only woman in the world who comes near her [aside from Katharine Ross of course].

My favorite scene is her

without the habit.  I don't understand the desire for weaves, cause ladies, this is it.  Your $1000 Indian hair does not look better than this carved afro.  With this hair you can throw on a habit and some hoops and go out the door. I need me a damn afro.  So church-chic!

So my obsession with Whoopi is unreal.   The memory of the dream of having lunch with Whoopi is better than any of the memories I've actually experienced. And no, this is not sad or pitiful.  It is a pity no one else has dream-dined with Whoopi before.

Good night ladies and gentlemen! You don't give a shit!

-bruiser

The Back of Your Head is Ridikilous

Are you guys having the dopest Black People Month ever? If you aren't, get up and go to BK like you know you want to do. Right now. Pick me up some fries with Zesty sauce. It's like Outback's Bloomin' Onion for poor people.

So as promised, I present to you another black person to celebrate this Facial Hair Friday.  So I never got to see this individual's face, but walking behind him was a blessing enough for me.

Can I hav your numba? Can I have it? Own that ponytail. Work that updo!

20 years of hair growth is never something to kid about.  This shit is serious and should be respected.  Shits Noicce. The hair really *pops* on the denim-on-denim background.  Really a stunning image.

So can I have it?

-bruiser

PS - Also in this image is the only trashcan in Boston. How fortunate for you all to see this rarity! Next time I want to throw something out, I'll have to remember that theres one in Chinatown. A contrast to the number of tacobells in the city, of which there are none.

Nice Model Hair

We all know by now that models, at least successful ones, do not have any freedom of expression and everything about the way they look is a part of their paycheck.  And usually, for men, that means short crew cuts.  Because short hair sells jeans. It's true!

Well ladies and gents, I came across a fashion photographer who likes to embrace the edgy and weird, the non-Ashton Kutchers of the model world. And do they have Nice Hair!

From the photographer Greg Kadel, I present Perfekt Curls and Wild Man!

Perfekt Curls is incredibly overtouched and overdone (hello designer bowtie!), and they did a great job because it makes a great photo. He just oozes classiness.  If you feel envious of his Apollo-like curls, remember that he looks like a greasy college frat kid with a mad case of bed-head when he's not on set.

Wild Man is the visual representation of every girl's bad-boy fantasy. The long hair and severe jaw line say it all. He looks like he could tackle a wolf, once he takes off his cashmere cable-knit, that is. The skunk pelt? Sexy as hell.
The funny thing is that whoever dressed him knows how to get a feeling across.  The details are laughable though.  Fake war medals? Crushed velvet? I think he might be the one who needs rescuing. He really should have a switch-blade in hand. It would counteract the girly wardrobe and scream Icelandic survivor man.

I hope anyone going out in the blizzard today has an Icelandic survivor man on call.
-bruiser

Party Time! Excellent!

Well...football is nearly over. That means that baseballs only 8 months away! Never too soon to start thinking about next years facial hair's and no-hitters. And in the spirit of New Years lasting all month long (or is it just my hangover?) I present to you a guy that knows how to party:

Yes....I am telling you that all you really need to have a proper fiesta is long hair and some rad shades. With those two things, you will be invincible! The frat party hero [still powerless against fire, falling, and ugly chicks. You've been warned].

If you need to get into the spirit of partying, sing to yourself (the volume is up to you) 'I've got 5,000 dollars!' while waving your arms above your head (preferably with sunglasses and long hair). Sets the mood every time.

-bruiser

White Footballers and Long Hair Don't Mix

This revelation was not something I was anticipating. I think that everyone looks good in long hair. Well, not everyone. [See: the amazing kenny]

Yesterday was the Rose Bowl - TCU vs Wisconsin.  TCU looked better in their Barney-purple uniforms, and hence they were victorious at the end of the day.  Also what helped TCU was that they didn't have a white guy on their team looking like a fool.

At first sight I thought he was the most awesome player on the field.  His locks were long and lush, with perfect ringlets that looked like they came from a curling iron. I'm a sucker for curls.  But when I googled him, I was unpleasantly surprised.

Blake Sorensen is a typical football player kind of guy, and that is why he looks bad in long hair. I don't blame the guy, most atheletes look better with crew cuts.  New rule: if you fall between the spectrum of the amazing kenny and a football player, you probably look alright in long hair.

Here is to 2011 bringing us more Nice Hairs and distacheters!
-bruiser       

[Images: here and here]

Flyers Movember Update

So apparently Movember is the trendiest trend since buying lunch at school. That should get rid of the hipsters!

Many of the players have committed to growing moustaches for men's health awareness. But seriously, Keith Jones can't shut up about it, and its blowing up my Facebook newsfeed. This is in addition to Hartnell recently donating his hair to Locks of Love.

And it turns out it isn't going as well as they anticipated. Watch the video below to see what 2 weeks growth looks like for these guys:



Now part of the tradition of Movember is that heinous mustaches are celebrated, as well as the great moustaches we've come to expect. Short story, Carle and Carcillo have the weakest moustaches. This is ironic, because Carcillo has his own t-shirt with the slogan "Fear the Stache". Betts, Richards and Hartnell have the strongest moustaches so far. My bet on best stache is Hartnell, and has been from day 1. So far he hasn't dissapointed.

And here is a video of a few people with a poor sense of humor.



Making fun of the stache, really? You look like a dumbass. Take that stupid thing off and put those fake staches back in your bag, Giroux clearly wants nothing to do with them.

But if my hunch is correct, Canadians, and therefore 99% of hockey players have weak stache skillz. Can't wait to see how this grows in.

-bruiser

Psych and Epic Actor Throwbacks

My favorite show has been neglected for too long. There are about a billion reasons why Psych is the best show ever created, but I'll give you a run-down of the most interesting (and sometimes moustached!) characters. Party on!

Woody the Coroner (played by Kurt Fuller) is my favorite character. Russell is also my favorite character in Wayne's World. [Actor throwback #1] I actually squeal when Shawn and Gus hit up the morgue. Ah, obsessions are good for the soul.

Sorry Dulé, your velvety voice and superior head shape do bring you into a *very* close second. I met the very Chocolate Columbo in person recently, and he does not disappoint. Incredibly charismatic, and the man can say 'whaaat' like no ones business.
And look how awesome this episode is going to be this season! Ovaltine Jenkins sports not only a mustache but an afro as well! I don't know how he got by my Black People Month post, but keep an eye out for the Jackal next year.

Chris Sarandon played Ashton Bonaventure and is by far the most interesting man in the world. I mean, his name is Bon-aventure. Anyone with that name immediately increases in interestingness.  Look at how skillfully he balances the world in his hands! And you know how I feel about full hair at that age. Even Shawn admits that it is superior to his own locks. Definitely one guest star I wouldn't mind seeing return. There is never enough silver in the world. Just sayin'.




Jon Gries looks familiar, no? Thats because he's fucking Uncle Rico. [Actor throwback #2] Yes the very same seller of nylon polymer. The amazing thing about this photo is, Uncle Rico looks so normal and uncle-y! He could be your uncle. Watch your back, if your uncle also looks like this he might peg you in the face with a juicy steak.


Your uncle might be an Uncle Rico if he meets these qualifications: 1) has a moustache, 2) played football, 3) is/was a salesman, and/or 4) is Jon Gries.

Cary Elwes returned for the season premier as Pierre Despereaux, notorious art thief. If Chris Sarandon is the most interesting man in the world, Pierre might be the fanciest man in the world. His moustache certainly qualifies him for fancy stateus! Or maybe to play a part in Fancy Feast commercials? I'm not ragging, I've heard there's good money in cat commercials. Plus, he looks so educated&shit.

And guess what? Another mind-blowing connection! [Actor throwback #3 & #4] Both Chris Sarandon and Cary Elwes were in Princess Bride! It's a good thing that these two weren't in the same episode, shit would have imploded (because according to Dulé, it's better in the inside. Honest to god quote), someone would have been stabbed, and moustaches would have been sacrificed. Not cool.

So watch Psych on Wednesdays at 10 (on USA) and see what kind of hilarious trouble Shawn and John Jacob Jingley-Schmidt will get into. And keep bringing the epic guest stars.

-bruiser