Luigi Stache

Introducing statutory perfection. Carl Pavano, pitcher for the Minnesota Twins, has the best moustache of the season. Its so good it almost makes me interested in baseball. Almost. Too bad he doesn't play for the Phils, since I often watch it against my free will.

So his moustache is....a really excellent example of the average stache? a hotdog stache? a 2nd upper-lip? I really don't know what to call it. Some moustaches are born with names, while the rest of them are lumped into the "mustache" category. Now this stache in particular, I feel, is a Luigi stache. I mean, if Luigi played baseball instead of punching mushrooms, his name would probably be Carl.

New Goal: rename all of those deserving mustaches we encounter and give them some freaking dignity! You concur? Good. Feel free to send any good names way.

-bruiser

Like Father Like Daughter!

Thank GAWD Brad Pitt shaved his damn beard. It was just so unnecessary. But he also recently cut & dyed his hair - taking his style inspiration from is too-cute for words daughter Shiloh.

Like father like daughter. Although I'm not his biggest fan, I am a huge supporter of daughters resembling their fathers. It's one of those rare miracles in life. Except for Chaz Bono. He takes it too far. But I suppose he had alterior motives than looking more like the smokin' Sonny Bono. If every girl looked like their mother, well. . . then Teen Moms would be normal.

Props to Shiloh for being an Awesome 5 year old and convincing her dad to shave his damn face.

-bruiser

He's Not All There

You've all heard about 'I'm Still Here' a mockumentary about Joaquin Phoenix's existance (coming out this Friday, expect a crowd). I'm game for anything Joaquin, except for that movie with Gwyneth Paltrow. That was just plain awful. You probably are thinking, 'She must be relieved then that is was only a mockumentary and he wasn't serious about this rapping stuff'. Well, that's where you'd be wrong my friend. I was actually extremely okay with weirdo Joaquin. If he wanted to wear an EZ Comb in his hair, that's cool with me. And now I lament over the days when he had his EPIC beard. Let us revisit.

This beard has been hated on by a lot of people so I'm going to show the world how truly beautiful it is. It's really just an artistic extension of his hair or his eyebrow. And it's INCREDIBLY flavorful - burly Joaquin can ditch clean-shaven Joaquin's murse. That beard can hold keys easily, if not a wallet as well. It's also environmentally friendly because it saves on napkins. The best part is that his upper-lip is fully engulfed by said beard. And one the many rules of facial hair is that no upper lip = high quality mustache/beard. Just one of the facts of life.

Oh, and I'm a mountaintop, water-drop.

-bruiser

Anchor Stache

There are a finite number of ways one can wear facial hair [makers of Hairy Gary would disagree]. So to discover a new way to wear facial hair should be considered an accomplishment, whether or not people laugh at you for it like we are all about to do in 5..4..3..2..1

LOL Bronson Arroyo! I affectionately call this the 'Anchor Stache'. It looks more like a misguided tattoo than carefully trimmed facial hair. And anyone with such painful facial hair doesn't deserve to have long, luxurious locks. Shave your damn head. But thats the general pattern in Baseball - badbadBAD facial hair. When will we see a decent baseball stache? Hint: next week.

-bruiser

Billy Goat Gruff

Now that we are all beginning to get comfortable with a clean-shaven Brad Pitt again, I can't resist revisiting Billy Goat Brad...via Rob Lowe. It just doesn't make sense.

Appurantly (from dlisted.com, not as trustworthy as wikipedia) Rob grew out a goat beard for a role on Californication this past spring. The 'do doesn't last long (I hope the beanie made it into the incinerator) but we still have to scold him for his foolish choice. He clearly didn't realize he risked his career over it - fortunately Hollywood is willing to forgive his folly.

It's even worse than Brad's. Thats not a real goatee - thats armpit hair glued to his face.

Rob - just stick to oversized suits, real men haircuts, and pralines and dick ice cream.

-bruiser

Next week: clean-shaven Brad Pitt