Friday, May 27, 2011

Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Disheveledness Increases Creepiness Exponentially

I feel so uncomfortable that I missed Facial Hair Friday this week.  I was 'lol'ing all night so it was worth it (aka the hottest mess; that should make it worth it for you too).  Here is something that makes me even more uncomfortable:

Schizam! God damn!

The first thing I have to say is that I do not believe this creature exists.  It is either the abominable snowman in the witness protection program or CGI because I have never been so freaked and confused at the same time. Shits not kosher.

It is so much farther than cracked out Santa Clause, he looks more like he just got done Moses rehearsals at the county theater.  But 76.1% of me wants to say this is actually a woman.

This man is the image of my nightmares, and even if I saw him in person I'd be too afraid to help him.  Cause we all know this man just needs some Suave conditioner, a hair tie and a beard trimmer but that is still like taking a weedwhacker to the Amazon rainforest.  Its much more efficient to set it on fire.

(Please don't set anyone on fire).

Friday, May 13, 2011

Bird Beard

Those who know me personally know that I am positively obsessed with birds. Therefore it is only natural for me to dedicate a post to the bearded tit.

First of all, let me just say that its a shame that North America doesn't have any of the 'tit' species because who the fuck doesn't love a great pair of tits?

Second, how elegant is this bird? I'd either call it more of a handlebar or sideburns, but honestly, it's a bird so we shouldn't be calling out technicalities.

I could go into detail about every little thing I love about birds but I'll refrain.  It's enough to love the superficial simplicity of these creatures without going into the detail as to why they should be everyman's favorite animal. Even if I did I'm not sure I could do it justice.

I'm pretty sure it lives the life every bearded man wants to live, affairs abound and constantly outshining the competition.  Plus the straight ones can be as flamboyant as they want and no one would give two fucks - the life of a bird is dope.


Friday, May 6, 2011

The Hollywood Moustache

Most of Hollywood's sexiest men have sported a stache at one point or another in their careers.  But more interesting than that, they have all sported the same moustache - all of them. Check it:

John Gilbert

Errol Flynn

 The ever-sexy Cary Grant
 Clark Gable
Douglas Fairbanks 
John Barrymore 
 Robert Taylor
Vincent Price 
William Powell

There's a reason the Hollywood moustache caught on like a case of the herp'.  It exudes intelligence, control, wealth, and class.  You can't tell me that (nearly) any man with freshly pomade hair, a skinny tie, a tweed suit with pressed lapels, a fedora and a hollywood moustache shaved with a straight razor isn't gonna make your panties drop.

Which genius will bring it back in style first?

Monday, May 2, 2011

German Disco

Warning: this video is not for the faint of heart.  That being said, roll tape!

This impressive piece of art goes from good to what to IDEAL.
1. Actually decent disco tune. Not bad.
2. We get a glimpse of the wizard/lead singer, and of course you're all like whattt but you venture on, because it is an investment with returns like piles of gold. Did you see how fat his goatee was? Exactly.
3. Now we can't tell if its Star-Trek the musical or just ABBA. Either is okay with me.
4. That clears things up - its German ABBA singing about Russia, Noicee.
5. Wizards back! And I think now we see that he is not a wizard but looks like the abominable snow man? Or maybe thats what USSR propaganda looked like in the 70s?
5.5. Oh snap! Wizard's close-up should be enlightening but its just more confusing.  Is that Indian with a hint of orthodox Jew plus a whole slop bucket of seasonal drag queen? Yeah I thought so.
6. Dear sir in the green ensemble: where have you been all my life? Or for at least the first two minutes of this video? With a moustache like that, no one is ever going to believe you are inclined to modesty.
7. The green moustache begins to sing within view of the camera and now we know why he was put in the back - when he opens his mouth its like his lips are trying to escape. Pan out already! The dude makes Fritz and Spock look normal. Perhaps he's related to the gums with a side of teeth in the red whatever it is?
8. Don't fear! The stereotypical-russian dancing wizard is here!

And now you are all the better for it.
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