UTOPIA

So its summer time again. If you forgot how I felt about summer, please reread my 'Ode to Summer'.

I don't like it when its humid, and I don't like being in air conditioning. And I DO NOT like shorts - THE DEVIL'S CLOTHING I TELL YOU! DARKSIDED!!

Long story short, I was uncomfortable (when am I not? 1st world problems…) and was thinking about all the things I would change to make my personal Utopia. 

Rule #1 - No pants. None. Skirts are permitted (for both genders. I'm serious - they are both comfortable AND practical!)

Rule #2 - Beards. Everyone should have one. Men, women, and children. How hilarious would it be to see little gnome children running around? (And I'm joking about the women and children part. But it would certainly make my Utopia EPIC)

Rule #3 - *TITTIES* That means no shirts. I don't want to wear a bra and you don't want me to wear a bra? What a radical idea!

So, basically my utopia is a nudist colony but you can wear skirts if you so desire. No one wants sunburn down there. I'm serious about the practical part. Easy access? Yes please.

Those are the only rules that I thought worthwhile in my Utopia. I should be joining a hippie commune, I know, I know. But I am certain that this is for the best and that it be mandatory instead of voluntary. 

While wearing skirts would aid the "I'm a woman but have to pee every 30 minutes" issue [I realize that pants aren't a normal issue for civilized women but when you are outside as much as I am with Nature as your bathroom, you begin to understand that it IS an issue. Example: termites. Do not pee on termites. Just don't fucking do it.] there are just more perks to being a guy than to being a girl. Having boobs is REALLY NICE. It's fucking awesome is what it is, but that doesn't properly compensate us for the shit we get put through, and 1/3 of those issues IS having boobs.

There are still issues with my Utopia. #1 problem? Men. Just can't help the poor bastards. We love to look at you and, yes, there is some necessity to the male gender, but some of you guys just fuck everything up. Guys fucking shit up is, in fact, a woman's favorite topic of convo (Ok, its really not that big of a deal but us poor females are prone to dramatic, over exaggerations).

I know, you are thinking: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BRUISER? I'm close.

But wait, being a man is better, but they are also the problem? [I do not expect you to follow my stream of consciousness, since I have been working outside for nearly 200 hours this month, I have a lot of time to think about stupid shit like this so trust me]

STICK WITH ME GUYS I'M ALMOST THERE...

SOLUTION: Everyone should be born female….and then have a spontaneous sex change around menopause and turn into a man! So many of life's issues are now magically fixed, here are the top 10 reasons why my ludicrous idear is actually genius:

#1: Everyone gets to have b00bs! You get them taken away eventually, but you get to have your own! Plus by that age you wouldn't want them anymore. No more boob cancer!

#2: By the same token - Everyone gets to have a dick! You get a dick, and You get a dick, and Youuu get a dick! Developing balls later in life? No more ball cancer! Bonus!

#3: Aging is no longer a problem. Those wrinkles that you fret about at 40? You have just turned into a devilishly-handsome Cary Grant, congratulations. and Scha-wing!

#4: You get to experience sex as a man and a woman. Probably not appealing to most, but if you tell me you aren't the least bit curious you ARE A GODDAMN LIAR.

#5: Younger women and older men. Everyone wins. Too easy.

#6: Puberty is essentially a non-issue. And teenage years would be much easier to handle with just girls. Significantly less crying I think.

#7: Didn't like who you were when you were younger? Make mistakes, or just get a shitty hand at life? Guess what! You can do it all over again! It's like a second chance at everything.

#8: Men and women would finally fucking respect each other. I realize how ironic this sounds since I was man-bashing a few paragraphs ago, but I complain about women enough, trust me. 

#9: Which means, less rape, domestic violence, etc. (Sorry for being a Debbie Downer guys but it is totally a valid reason)

#10: Everyone can have a beard if they want one. And I want one. 

Well, I need one to keep all my secrets.

Yeah, so if the world were intelligently designed, this is how it would have freaking gone down. DA END.

And that's it for me folks. If you need me, I'll be the topless, barefoot, dirty, skirt-wearing hippie.

-bruiser

Sorority girl rant on head-straps

Some things I will never understand.

Example A: what is the motivation to grow a full head-strap?

Some men still think it is acceptable to grow a chin-strap (here's a clue: it's not). And some of those fools think its okay to grow a strap all around your head so it looks like your breaching your mom's bushy vagina. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

SINNERS! you all need Jesus.

THE FUCK is wrong with you? There have been bad staches, and there have been failstaches here, but there are NONE worse than this. NONE MANY.

And its not just the tool above who thought this was a good idea: 

(side note: the fact that this douche missed the chin-strap concept is HILARIOUS. Distachter x1000)

I get it, some people miss their elementary arts classes and just need to express themselves. Believe me, I GET IT. Cornrows are a great tool to experiment with. Moustaches make excellent canvases for masculine creativity. But CONNECTING YOUR FUCKING NECK HAIR TO YOUR RECEEDING HAIRLINE IS NOT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME OR THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PLACE TO BE "CREATIVE". SHIT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING KOSHER, SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT. JACKASS.  


If you have one of these (as inspired by my favorite sorority girl Rebecca Martinson) let me ask you to punch yourself in the face right now so I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.


That's enough of the internet for today.
-bruiser

Deer This Guy:

So there is an artist from China who has worn a deer mask every day for the last 4 years.

Luo Dan started wearing the mask and became addicted to its 'therapeutic properties'. He says the deer is a 'tame animal'. 

I'm calling BULLSHIT. You know this dude is from China cause he has never seen deer in his life. Those things are NOT tame - they are wild-ass, shifty-eyed motherfuckers who are out to get you. If they don't destroy your car, they will kick you in the head and kill you. Luo Dan has no idea of what an aggressive statement he is making. If he were in America, he'd become instant target practice. Too easy.

Read the full story here.

[Full disclosure I have been shit on by a deer. True story.]

-bruiser

She has funny dreams

Life can be stressful sometimes. And sometimes people are on drugs. Either of these people will have fucked up dreams, and if you fall in the the middle of the venn-diagram, you are screwed my friend.

Recently I had one such dream.

Scene: Leaving a billionaire's house party.
Situation: Everyone gets a monetary party-gift (sounds awesome, right?)
What happened to me: I grab a gift card. For $200,000. Even better, right? Wrong.

It was to KFC. $200,000 gift card to fucking KFC.

Now I don't eat at KFC, although this isn't the problem. I would totally eat at KFC for free for the rest of my life (51 years, give or take, of an 8 piece bucket combo for the rest of my life). But why the fuck would I do that? I want the money, not free chicken (even though fried chicken is the best chicken #fact).

I debated my options. I could be a philanthropist and donate it to a food shelter. Or I could be a dick and sell it to a church (read: Baptist) at a discounted rate, which is slightly generous. Or I could be even more of a dick and buy a store. Or 3.

Or I could sell it to Dave Grohl. He loves that shit.

I don't think I've ever been more intrigued by a hypothetical situation, ever.
Here's to fucked up shit.
-bruiser

PS - the drug dream was in reference to the time I was on malaria pills. woah.

Art Is Greater Than (Or Equal To) Dead Bunnies

So not sure if you all noticed or not, but I'm really not into the 'lets draw moustaches on sidewalks/shape post-it notes/hang them on your wall' kind of person.  It really loses the magic of the moustache, because all you get is a shape, and you lose the 3D 4Dness of it which is so special. [2D = shape; 3D = moustache; 4D = moustache & gentleman. get it now kids?]

But here is something I can get into: art on moustaches.
Ohhhs. Ahhhs. the concept is mind-blowing!!!!







Thank god someone is thinking outside the copy-and-paste button. Instead of reprinting the same black silhouette as fast as rabbits fucking, lets put time and effort into it, approximately the same amount of time it takes to roast said rabbits to delicious perfection?

For every blind copy of a moustache I see, I swear I will kill a bunny with my car.
-bruiser

source and source

Never Before Seen...For a Reason

You can find anything on the Google Machine....including ginger reverse bang-mullets:

Unseen horrors begone!  Never before could I have imagined such a cruel punishment.  I wasn't quite sure what my greatest fear in life was, but waking up like this is at the top of the list, easy.

This guy isn't even the most heinous of ginger roots out there, so why? So many whys?!  What could possess an individual to grow the most horrifying of fringe [I am more critical of bangs than of even moustaches, I should know, I rocked them. I was fresh to death] whilst shaving the rest of their head?  And all of this while being a fire crotch? Turn in your man-card dude; you can keep your virgin card as long as you want though. I don't even think you could pay someone to take it from you, when you look like a walking case of the herp'. No one wants that.

The shadow of a mustache and chin hair look like some out-of-place bush. Facial vaginas are even worse than actual vaginas. At Sesame Place, this is what one would call a 'code Elmo' - a whole lot of bloody fur and dozens of children running away, screaming.

I hold nothing against you personally, but having seen this image, I hope you crawl in a hole and die.
-bruiser

What's My Name?

Well it's not Chuck Woolery, that's for sure.

Chuck Woolery has been replaced on my all-time favorite game show LINGO.

Stupid Bill Engvall is the new drone host on the GSN show. His personality sucks as much as his goatee, which is even more than getting a red ball. Yeah, that bad.

Why are all the men in my life leaving me?

What will the general public do when they are about to go for a commercial break? If Chuck isn't there to remind them that they will be back in 2-and-2, how will people know how long to wait? How will they know?!?


So here is what I understand this new Lingo to be about:
- Knowing how to spell five-letter words  jk we all know that none of the contestants know how to spell shit
- Listening to people go on about their speed-walking club and how much meaning it brings to their life
- Who can stand the longest?




Lingo is now the 2nd biggest waste of your time, right next to Baggage (the PG-13 version of the Jerry Springer show).  If you want to practice spelling words, play words with friends on your iphone and stop wasting your time by letting yourself by ear-raped by Engvall's nasty voice. Or visually assaulted by his salamander face.  Friends don't let friends watch bad tv.

RIP jokes about blue balls
-bruiser

Bolton's Stache is Blowing Shit Up

Ex-ambassador to the society of western whiteheads (aka the UN), John Bolton's moustache confuses me.  In case you aren't familiar, he's a neo-conservative who seems to want to rape all of the countries in the world into submission.  And he may be running for president.

He's even more stubborn than myself (moustaches often give you that kind of confidence), which would make him a good leader, but excuse my french, fuckno.  There are not enough iodine pills in the world to protect us from his theoretical moustached administration.

If you want to see him lie out his ass, click here.  He claims to be inintimidatable. That makes sense, I mean did you see that stache?  Only alpha dogs have staches like that.  Except that means his moustache is truly his achilles heel.  Where is Delilah when you need her? [sidenote: If anyone decides to begin a rebellion, I am permitting the name 'Delilah' to be used as long as the main goal is to defolicalize the moustached Sampsons of the political world.]

I am confused because his stache is quite the contrary to my previous post, which explained why facial hair is darker than head hair. I am fairly certain he dyes his hair, but who the fuck dyes their hair to Nasty-Ass Gray (actual color name).  I also suspect that this is his plan B - blow everyone's minds (literally) via confusion and then blow everyone else's thyroids who is resistant to the power of facial hair.  Wait a hot sec, thats a great idea. I'm on board.

-bruiser

source

When the Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes...

...We're talking beards here people, not muffstaches.

This phenomenon actually happens more than one would think, usually because the facial hair is younger than the hair on the top of one's head.


Michael Hall from Dexter is the perfect example of what I am talking about. It's a shame that he's a firecrotch (okay we might be talking about muffstaches as well...) because the upper half of his face is hot.  Unfortunately for him, the lower half is not, and there is no partial credit or participation points in the real world for hotness.




The real pity is that it affects gingers more than normal people.  If a ginger has outgrown their gingerness, life shouldn't be so cruel as to afflict them again. But maybe its nature's way of ensuring we don't become passive about the ginger problem, and that we especially don't breed with such individuals. What a fucking distachter that would be!

Although not only gingers go through this, silver foxes are also reportedly affected by the carpets not matching the drapes.  Now I'm not saying this man is a silver fox per-say, but he illustrates the point I am making here.

It can actually be very endearing to older men, especially balding ones.










Ew or you could look like this guy. I'm going to say that maybe partial credit should be awarded for hotness because the alternative is visually disturbing at best. Shit is just not kosher, no matter which way you fry it. This particular case is mentally disturbing; a classifiable nutjob.  Even more disturbing than this. And you're welcome!



-bruiser

source & source

The Invisible Stache

I am about to address an issue that has been largely under the radar of facial hair connoisseurs for a long time - the invisible stache.

The invisible stache is usually a man with strawberry blond or simply blond hair who grows a moustache or other facial hair that very closely matches their skin color. Exhibit A:

When you see a man with an invisible stache, you must do a double take to be sure he actually has a stache instead of a double take to admire such facial hair.  I'm going to be blunt here and say its pretty pathetic.

You all know by now that I believe that everyone should grow facial hair that is hormonally competent, so I am not suggesting that they shave these abominations.  There are solutions.

The simplest and most effective solution is to grow a real moustache rather than continue to pretend your stubble is authentic or even manly, cause its not.

Although a below average stache, the 'is it or isn't it?' question is no longer applicable. An easy win-win for the facial hair world I think.

The other solution would be to dye one's stubble (a la Brian Wilson) which is exhausting, not to mention distracting and not classy.

So all you lightweight gingers out there, do us a favor and grow out your damn moustache (or beard!) and don't keep us poor folk guessing.  Figure it out cause this shit ain't kosher.

[This doesn't count either.]

-bruiser

source source source and source

Disheveledness Increases Creepiness Exponentially

I feel so uncomfortable that I missed Facial Hair Friday this week.  I was 'lol'ing all night so it was worth it (aka the hottest mess; that should make it worth it for you too).  Here is something that makes me even more uncomfortable:

Schizam! God damn!

The first thing I have to say is that I do not believe this creature exists.  It is either the abominable snowman in the witness protection program or CGI because I have never been so freaked and confused at the same time. Shits not kosher.

It is so much farther than cracked out Santa Clause, he looks more like he just got done Moses rehearsals at the county theater.  But 76.1% of me wants to say this is actually a woman.

This man is the image of my nightmares, and even if I saw him in person I'd be too afraid to help him.  Cause we all know this man just needs some Suave conditioner, a hair tie and a beard trimmer but that is still like taking a weedwhacker to the Amazon rainforest.  Its much more efficient to set it on fire.

(Please don't set anyone on fire).
-bruiser

No One Threatens Katharine Ross

According to a recent report from People, Katharine and Sam Elliott's daughter, Cleo, is insane and attacked her poor, beautiful mother.  I get the feeling this is the beginning of another 'elderly abuse' cases, although Katharine is far from old at 71.

Cleo 'verbally and emotionally' abused Katharine, while she was young and became more violent as she aged.  Now I'm not sure that this isn't some kind of Freudian shit going down, considering her father is in possession of the world's finest moustache, but where was the gun slinger to defend her?  Every woman needs to be protected against the crazies - there's always at least one.





I have three things to say about this picture:
1.) Cleo is a total slut. Only girls in playboy or under 11 can wear halter tops.
2.) The only thing Sam is missing from his outfit is his bolo tie.
3.) Katharine looks lovely in her 1960s-esque garb. Orange is delightful on her.



Cleo, I'd be more than happy to kick your ass any day of the week,
–bruiser

Miley Cyrus and Jimmy Kimmel Bore Me to Tears

So last night Miley Cyrus was on Jimmy Kimmel. Big whoop. Shes going to be hosting SNL tomorrow night anyway, so I suggest we all shoot ourselves (no, not really. And I am going to watch SNL because the Strokes are performing - doooppe!).

I have to say it: I have never, ever found Jimmy Kimmel to be funny.  He is your coworker who you avoid contact with because he just tries way too hard, and although you pity the guy, you can't be around him out of fear of laughing (and not with him mind you).

So I shouldn't be surprised when they do a half-assed job at giving Miley a fake moustache.  I don't even think its made of any kind of fiber whatsoever - it might be a sticker? Or maybe its painted.
Either way its a piece of shit.

And I have no idea what the fuck shes promoting.  I mean she might have another disney movie out. Or she might be talking about how much she hates her dad. Or she might be releasing a new album, I seriously have no clue. Its more likely that the mourning period of her reputation is over, and now shes trying to patch it up with moustaches. Clever Miley, but no.

Miley_Cyrus#Failstache
-bruiser

(source)

Someone Who Doesn't Have a Case of the Babies

Have you seen every headline in the past 3 weeks?  Every woman in the California area code has caught embryotitis, and that includes Owen Wilson. Did we ever have any doubts? Rhetorical question.

So as a little bit of relief from pregnant women and men, lets take a look at someone who isn't going to have children for, like, ever: Zac Efron.

If you aren't catching on, here's what I'm trying to say: the girly-man is into dudes. I don't have very good gay-dar, but it goes off like a fire alarm when I see Zac Efron. And at the very least, he is into backup dancers. I can totally see him pulling a Britney and dating a super-tall black chick. That would be awesome.

And his facade of a girlfriend won't ever put out babies for him because that's not in her contract. Plus, gross....So, let's make fun of his stache for 5 seconds.

That poof is so far from cute right now.  And please take off those shades.  There are two purposes of wearing reflective aviators, and your life fulfills neither: starring on Reno 911! or looking at girls. So stop.  And I don't know who you think you are with that mustache.

Seriously, I don't know you are trying to be. No one looks that bad. Shave it off and start the end of your career as Justin Bieber's dad on Disney. Nickelodeon doesn't want you or your lack of skillz.

My guess for real is that he'll be on a game show? The Price is Right in 12 years? He'd totally be down for a Baywatch re-make. Someone get on that to save poor Zac's career!

-bruiser

Image from Dlisted.com

White Footballers and Long Hair Don't Mix

This revelation was not something I was anticipating. I think that everyone looks good in long hair. Well, not everyone. [See: the amazing kenny]

Yesterday was the Rose Bowl - TCU vs Wisconsin.  TCU looked better in their Barney-purple uniforms, and hence they were victorious at the end of the day.  Also what helped TCU was that they didn't have a white guy on their team looking like a fool.

At first sight I thought he was the most awesome player on the field.  His locks were long and lush, with perfect ringlets that looked like they came from a curling iron. I'm a sucker for curls.  But when I googled him, I was unpleasantly surprised.

Blake Sorensen is a typical football player kind of guy, and that is why he looks bad in long hair. I don't blame the guy, most atheletes look better with crew cuts.  New rule: if you fall between the spectrum of the amazing kenny and a football player, you probably look alright in long hair.

Here is to 2011 bringing us more Nice Hairs and distacheters!
-bruiser       

[Images: here and here]

Distacheter has struck again!

So remember that really cool guy Viggo Mortensen? The one from that semi-successful movie, Lord of the Rings? Well, he is also a stache felon. One of the most heinous crimes one can do a face, next to throwing acid and most plastic surgeries.

So I dug up this gem at some point over the last few months and it is clearly not a recent picture – but it is awful enough to bring up for proper discourse.

Did you see the size of that thing? Were it just a mustache, I’d be cool with it. It would fall under the category of hipsterism for 50 year olds, which I “get”. But no, chin hair is included. View them together – it’s a mushroom stache. Do you see it?
There are two things wrong with this ‘mushroom stache’. For one, I do not like mushrooms. Secondly, facial hair should never look like food. That’s what flavor-savers are for.

Not only that, but Viggo is clearly in denial about his foxiness. Silver fox, that is. I’m guessing he was originally a redhead from his choice of hair dye and freckles. Didn’t we discuss all the reasons why redheads are bad? Why would you want to cover up your silver hair with all that ugly red? And what a poor dye-job! And an all around crappy hair cut. You sir, need a new hair stylist.

Please go back to creeping in pubs and aiding small men in need of defense, sans chin hair. Then we will chat.

-bruiser

Not on my Christmas List

[Looking for something Classy? Try this]

There appears to be a moustache sensation shaving the nation. And we don't have to take the bad with the good. No one wants that. Point out crap for what it is: crap. 

So the items below are the things that I will NAWT be asking for this Christmas.

Seriously what is this crap? I blame it on the hipsters. Take it from the top!

1. Mustached Chef Oven Mit - this was actually a postcard from the olden days, so thank gawd its not in production anymore. Oven mits are fugly to begin with, don't make it worse.

2. Set of 4 Mustache Placemats - I get the whole etsy thing - you don't have any real life skills so you make handy crafts and try to support yourself. But....just stop it. That thing is so hein it makes me want to vom. Not only is that the worst mustache I have ever seen, but you can't actually use spandex fabric for a placemat. Sheen is always inappropriate for the table.

3. Urban Outfitter's Carstache - Two things: first, it just looks stupid and you deserved to be mocked for driving and paying $40 for that POS. Secondly, its gross. Can you just imagine all of the dirt and bugs and rain and mold that will be on it after driving around with it for a few days? There's a reason only interiors use cloth. Get the net.

4. My Mustached Friend the Bear Hand Towel - Again with the handmade crafts. Stop it. Hand towels are meant to dry my hands, not to entertain. If I wanted to achieve both, I would get a dyson airblade. That shits awesome.

5. Fake Beards - It just draws attention to the fact that you don't have a beard, like toupees. 

6. Mustache Hair Pin - Because most girls can't grow a mustache, they think its okay to wear it in any form possible. Wearing a mustache in your hair is not okay and looks kindof dangerous. 

7. Mustache Shot Glasses - Not classy. Rather trashy. No longer available from UO, and for good reason.

8. Beardhead - The fastest way to make you look the tool that you are. What about Snuggies? They take longer to ship.

9. Mustache on a Stick - For girls appurantly. FYI, you look stupid.

10. Fingerstache - See also moustache bandages. I have better things to do than decorate my skin with plastic mustaches, thanks. 

11. Mustache Snowglobe - Really not Christmas-y at all. #xmasrelevancyfail

12. Mustache Pillow Covers - Have you ever had a shitty pillow cover? Your face needs a pillowcase that is more into you than it is into itself.

13. Mustache Keychain - Looks like a dumbass dog toy. You better drive a POS if you have that keychain.

14. Mustache Love Ring - Again, mustaches are not meant for jewelry. Shits not manly enough.

15. Mustached Fruit Badges - Fruit neither have faces nor wear mustaches. Don't force it upon them. They clearly are more into beards!

16. Famous Mustaches Mug - As much as I love being educated&shit as I drink from my cups, it doesn't teach me anything I don't already know and is for the amateur moustachist.

17. Flair Hair - Oh boy. So baldies want to wear something that looks like your daughters teddy bear on your head and pretend that you aren't bald? When we can see your natural hair on your sideburns and face? Grow a pair.

18. Chris Mascarenas Shirt - The design is awesome but the shirt is hein and kindof scary.

No thanks.

-bruiser

An Ode to Summer

Dear Summer,

I loathe you. You make me sick. Literally, like heat stroke, ereday. You burn my skin and will one day make me look like an old man [not a silver fox...so sadd]. You make me sweat and you make other people sweat which is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE TO MY NOSTRILS. And you make me wear shorts which are the most unnatural and most uncomfortable invention in the world - never again with that stupid piece of shit. We could still be friends if nudism was socially acceptable but its not so were not and i hate you. My dog hates you too and he's only 7 years old.. I want to kick your bifffle, global warming, in the ballz. He's a dick. We can't be friends. I know you like me but I hate you you she-man I am moving to Canada and blocking you on facebook. . I don't care what your friends say you aren't my season not now, not never! I hate yoou! I hate your friends too!! Stop calling me!

I'm calling Fall to invite him over. At least he goes dutch. you bitch

Sincerely,

bruiser

Writers Have Moustaches

ATTENTION: Factual information (that's peer-reviewed, mind you!) about to be read. There is a strong correlation between successful writing and facial hair. Almost 1/2 of the first 30 most famous writers surveyed had facial hair at one point or another. So check it! Sporadically, I will share with you a writing mustache/and or other collective hairs in alphabetical order! Yay!!

Edwin Abbott Abbott

Author of Flatland, that book my stupid math professor kept telling us to read, cause it was, like, the best book ever written! What an awful professor. And by awful, I mean the worst. And speaking of the worst, Abbott had some pretty serious mutton chop issues. And hair trimming issues. Dude needs a haircut. Not too much else to say about that.

So...presenting writer with lame mutton chops!

...And no one cares!

-bruiser

He's Not All There

You've all heard about 'I'm Still Here' a mockumentary about Joaquin Phoenix's existance (coming out this Friday, expect a crowd). I'm game for anything Joaquin, except for that movie with Gwyneth Paltrow. That was just plain awful. You probably are thinking, 'She must be relieved then that is was only a mockumentary and he wasn't serious about this rapping stuff'. Well, that's where you'd be wrong my friend. I was actually extremely okay with weirdo Joaquin. If he wanted to wear an EZ Comb in his hair, that's cool with me. And now I lament over the days when he had his EPIC beard. Let us revisit.

This beard has been hated on by a lot of people so I'm going to show the world how truly beautiful it is. It's really just an artistic extension of his hair or his eyebrow. And it's INCREDIBLY flavorful - burly Joaquin can ditch clean-shaven Joaquin's murse. That beard can hold keys easily, if not a wallet as well. It's also environmentally friendly because it saves on napkins. The best part is that his upper-lip is fully engulfed by said beard. And one the many rules of facial hair is that no upper lip = high quality mustache/beard. Just one of the facts of life.

Oh, and I'm a mountaintop, water-drop.

-bruiser