Friday, June 24, 2011

The Value of Beard-Care

Enjoy my would-be fan mail to John Paul Dejoria:

Dear sir,
Your beard is IDEAL at worst - so choice!  I applaud you for demonstrating to men (and women) everywhere that good haircare is necessary.

And I see here that you are advertising for Patrón - so classy!  Although I am sortof obsessed (especially because it has a bee for its emblem - I mean who does that? Move over Lacoste) I am sure that you wash your dishes with Patrón, being a middle-class tequi.  By that I mean if I had a bajillion dollars like you, I would.

If at all possible, I'd like to date one of your sons. Good hair genes are hard to find, and great hair genes - forget it! I am very happy for you that you are no longer homeless (what a fucking backhanded complement, no?), but if you were living on my street, I'd give you my change, even though I use generic brand hair care and drink José (makes me vom just saying it).

Here's wishing you 67 more years of studly beards (and grown men making duck faces)!


Friday, June 17, 2011

Bolton's Stache is Blowing Shit Up

Ex-ambassador to the society of western whiteheads (aka the UN), John Bolton's moustache confuses me.  In case you aren't familiar, he's a neo-conservative who seems to want to rape all of the countries in the world into submission.  And he may be running for president.

He's even more stubborn than myself (moustaches often give you that kind of confidence), which would make him a good leader, but excuse my french, fuckno.  There are not enough iodine pills in the world to protect us from his theoretical moustached administration.

If you want to see him lie out his ass, click here.  He claims to be inintimidatable. That makes sense, I mean did you see that stache?  Only alpha dogs have staches like that.  Except that means his moustache is truly his achilles heel.  Where is Delilah when you need her? [sidenote: If anyone decides to begin a rebellion, I am permitting the name 'Delilah' to be used as long as the main goal is to defolicalize the moustached Sampsons of the political world.]

I am confused because his stache is quite the contrary to my previous post, which explained why facial hair is darker than head hair. I am fairly certain he dyes his hair, but who the fuck dyes their hair to Nasty-Ass Gray (actual color name).  I also suspect that this is his plan B - blow everyone's minds (literally) via confusion and then blow everyone else's thyroids who is resistant to the power of facial hair.  Wait a hot sec, thats a great idea. I'm on board.


Friday, June 10, 2011

When the Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes...

...We're talking beards here people, not muffstaches.

This phenomenon actually happens more than one would think, usually because the facial hair is younger than the hair on the top of one's head.

Michael Hall from Dexter is the perfect example of what I am talking about. It's a shame that he's a firecrotch (okay we might be talking about muffstaches as well...) because the upper half of his face is hot.  Unfortunately for him, the lower half is not, and there is no partial credit or participation points in the real world for hotness.

The real pity is that it affects gingers more than normal people.  If a ginger has outgrown their gingerness, life shouldn't be so cruel as to afflict them again. But maybe its nature's way of ensuring we don't become passive about the ginger problem, and that we especially don't breed with such individuals. What a fucking distachter that would be!

Although not only gingers go through this, silver foxes are also reportedly affected by the carpets not matching the drapes.  Now I'm not saying this man is a silver fox per-say, but he illustrates the point I am making here.

It can actually be very endearing to older men, especially balding ones.

Ew or you could look like this guy. I'm going to say that maybe partial credit should be awarded for hotness because the alternative is visually disturbing at best. Shit is just not kosher, no matter which way you fry it. This particular case is mentally disturbing; a classifiable nutjob.  Even more disturbing than this. And you're welcome!


Friday, June 3, 2011

The Invisible Stache

I am about to address an issue that has been largely under the radar of facial hair connoisseurs for a long time - the invisible stache.

The invisible stache is usually a man with strawberry blond or simply blond hair who grows a moustache or other facial hair that very closely matches their skin color. Exhibit A:

When you see a man with an invisible stache, you must do a double take to be sure he actually has a stache instead of a double take to admire such facial hair.  I'm going to be blunt here and say its pretty pathetic.

You all know by now that I believe that everyone should grow facial hair that is hormonally competent, so I am not suggesting that they shave these abominations.  There are solutions.

The simplest and most effective solution is to grow a real moustache rather than continue to pretend your stubble is authentic or even manly, cause its not.

Although a below average stache, the 'is it or isn't it?' question is no longer applicable. An easy win-win for the facial hair world I think.

The other solution would be to dye one's stubble (a la Brian Wilson) which is exhausting, not to mention distracting and not classy.

So all you lightweight gingers out there, do us a favor and grow out your damn moustache (or beard!) and don't keep us poor folk guessing.  Figure it out cause this shit ain't kosher.

[This doesn't count either.]


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