Dave Grohl is the Man

Let's have a conversation about how awesome Dave Grohl is.

Not only does he front the Foo Fighters, but he was in fucking Nirvana dude.

Not only does he have musical skillz but he has hair skillz too! I love that he has kept the rocker mane. Too many rockers go bald whimp out (technically he whimped out once but he's back now so its all cool). Plus he has a sick beard. If the most beautiful goatee and a 5 o'clock shadow made a baby, it was Dave Grohl. Such a juicy combo.
Plus Plus he offers super Cosmopolitan-quality grooming tips:

Stay sexxxy Dave.

-bruiser

What's My Name?

Well it's not Chuck Woolery, that's for sure.

Chuck Woolery has been replaced on my all-time favorite game show LINGO.

Stupid Bill Engvall is the new drone host on the GSN show. His personality sucks as much as his goatee, which is even more than getting a red ball. Yeah, that bad.

Why are all the men in my life leaving me?

What will the general public do when they are about to go for a commercial break? If Chuck isn't there to remind them that they will be back in 2-and-2, how will people know how long to wait? How will they know?!?


So here is what I understand this new Lingo to be about:
- Knowing how to spell five-letter words  jk we all know that none of the contestants know how to spell shit
- Listening to people go on about their speed-walking club and how much meaning it brings to their life
- Who can stand the longest?




Lingo is now the 2nd biggest waste of your time, right next to Baggage (the PG-13 version of the Jerry Springer show).  If you want to practice spelling words, play words with friends on your iphone and stop wasting your time by letting yourself by ear-raped by Engvall's nasty voice. Or visually assaulted by his salamander face.  Friends don't let friends watch bad tv.

RIP jokes about blue balls
-bruiser

The Invisible Stache

I am about to address an issue that has been largely under the radar of facial hair connoisseurs for a long time - the invisible stache.

The invisible stache is usually a man with strawberry blond or simply blond hair who grows a moustache or other facial hair that very closely matches their skin color. Exhibit A:

When you see a man with an invisible stache, you must do a double take to be sure he actually has a stache instead of a double take to admire such facial hair.  I'm going to be blunt here and say its pretty pathetic.

You all know by now that I believe that everyone should grow facial hair that is hormonally competent, so I am not suggesting that they shave these abominations.  There are solutions.

The simplest and most effective solution is to grow a real moustache rather than continue to pretend your stubble is authentic or even manly, cause its not.

Although a below average stache, the 'is it or isn't it?' question is no longer applicable. An easy win-win for the facial hair world I think.

The other solution would be to dye one's stubble (a la Brian Wilson) which is exhausting, not to mention distracting and not classy.

So all you lightweight gingers out there, do us a favor and grow out your damn moustache (or beard!) and don't keep us poor folk guessing.  Figure it out cause this shit ain't kosher.

[This doesn't count either.]

-bruiser

source source source and source

German Disco

Warning: this video is not for the faint of heart.  That being said, roll tape!



This impressive piece of art goes from good to what to IDEAL.
1. Actually decent disco tune. Not bad.
2. We get a glimpse of the wizard/lead singer, and of course you're all like whattt but you venture on, because it is an investment with returns like piles of gold. Did you see how fat his goatee was? Exactly.
3. Now we can't tell if its Star-Trek the musical or just ABBA. Either is okay with me.
4. That clears things up - its German ABBA singing about Russia, Noicee.
5. Wizards back! And I think now we see that he is not a wizard but looks like the abominable snow man? Or maybe thats what USSR propaganda looked like in the 70s?
5.5. Oh snap! Wizard's close-up should be enlightening but its just more confusing.  Is that Indian with a hint of orthodox Jew plus a whole slop bucket of seasonal drag queen? Yeah I thought so.
6. Dear sir in the green ensemble: where have you been all my life? Or for at least the first two minutes of this video? With a moustache like that, no one is ever going to believe you are inclined to modesty.
7. The green moustache begins to sing within view of the camera and now we know why he was put in the back - when he opens his mouth its like his lips are trying to escape. Pan out already! The dude makes Fritz and Spock look normal. Perhaps he's related to the gums with a side of teeth in the red whatever it is?
8. Don't fear! The stereotypical-russian dancing wizard is here!

And now you are all the better for it.
-bruiser

Tim Curry Might Be as Sexy as Sexy Gets.

Here's a request I got this evening: 'please write about Tim Curry and his musical awesomeness and his movies and muppet movies and his fantasical sexiness that is his facial hair aka face pubes aka orgasms to the eyes aka he’s holding a cigarette and I want one'.  I will do everything in my power to make this happen.

Tim Curry is a brilliant master-mind of the theatrical world and today, what marks him above all others, is his amazing, silver goatee. Truly a necessity for aging men.  But back in his Rocky Horror days, he was such a sexy transvestite. PS- 'I'm coming home' is the best song from RHPS period. [Note how RHPS is almost the same thing as RHCP, at least to me in my drunken state].

For smoking in both photographs, he looks fantabulous. Just sayin'.

And I never thought that getting a 'boss' tattoo would have ever been sexy, but now I am reconsidering.

Although there are a million more things I could say about the genious of this man, I'll leave it at:  I'd still tap that.

-bruiser

Why I Actually Love Brett Kiesel's Beard

Remember Brett Kiesel's beard and its epic awesomeness?  Pretend not to be surprised when I tell you that I don't love it for what it actually is - I'm not loving the beard for the beard's sake.

Take a good long look at this photo.

Want know what it reminds me of? (Read: what it should remind you of?)

My man Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Brett Kiesel is clearly a huge fan and using the man as a style inspiration.  Solid move, I do the same thing too.  Ian Anderson is a musical genius, which totally reads via his choice of garb.

Heavy Horses also happens to be my favorite Tull album - Kiesel is closer and closer to becoming my biffffle everyday!


This particular snapshot is quite tame for Anderson, who spent the first 10 years of his career in disco boots and wild, unkempt hair - an accessory to his crazy eyes:

Credit: Charlie Auringer

Not only does this man know how to write songs about absurd things while using proper grammar (something I haven't been able to achieve, klarly) because he's so educated&shit, he does it while rocking one of the largest beards known to rock n' roll (2nd to ZZ Top).  Febreeze fresh I dare say. His insane mane is glorious.  And to top it all off, he sports a flute.




He's a dreamboat.  I'm going to go out on a very secure and short limb here, and say that Ian Anderson is the source of hipsterism today.  And that actually makes hipsters a little bit more okay.  It makes complete sense that all the hipsters would be trying to get in on this action.

Credit: Rick Kahlmeyer

Here's one from Warchild/Minstrel era - hence the codpiece.  This man is the source of my envy of curls, considering I don't have a single sulfide-bond to call my own [sademoticon.com]. Note the sideburns, which are IDEAL.

And he is still the manliest man around while wearing leggings. Guys, take note. And no, you are not now permitted to wear leggings.


Heres hoping that another musician may one day profit off of songs written about homeless men, kinky girls and farming instead of fireflies.

-bruiser

Afroified Wilt Chamberlain

Basketball legend, Wilt Chamberlain, had legendary facial hair.  And because he had a way with the hair follicles, he naturally had a way with the ladies.

And his afro is lovely. His afroified goatee could be trimmed a bit, but it has great shape. I guess when you commit to an afro, you have to go all the way. I can't commit to anything so I wouldn't know.

That's it for Black People Month. At least it gives you something to look forward to February for, god knows we all need something.

-bruiser

Distacheter has struck again!

So remember that really cool guy Viggo Mortensen? The one from that semi-successful movie, Lord of the Rings? Well, he is also a stache felon. One of the most heinous crimes one can do a face, next to throwing acid and most plastic surgeries.

So I dug up this gem at some point over the last few months and it is clearly not a recent picture – but it is awful enough to bring up for proper discourse.

Did you see the size of that thing? Were it just a mustache, I’d be cool with it. It would fall under the category of hipsterism for 50 year olds, which I “get”. But no, chin hair is included. View them together – it’s a mushroom stache. Do you see it?
There are two things wrong with this ‘mushroom stache’. For one, I do not like mushrooms. Secondly, facial hair should never look like food. That’s what flavor-savers are for.

Not only that, but Viggo is clearly in denial about his foxiness. Silver fox, that is. I’m guessing he was originally a redhead from his choice of hair dye and freckles. Didn’t we discuss all the reasons why redheads are bad? Why would you want to cover up your silver hair with all that ugly red? And what a poor dye-job! And an all around crappy hair cut. You sir, need a new hair stylist.

Please go back to creeping in pubs and aiding small men in need of defense, sans chin hair. Then we will chat.

-bruiser

Brian Wilson's Masshole Beard

My Bro-in-law sent me this video. And is this guy hilarious - he's like a living, breathing and athletic Bruiser.

Jim Rome sounds like a tool. He tried to keep up with Wilson's beard but couldn't. Goatees are usually inept at keeping up with full beards or lavish mustaches - don't try it at home.

Wilson's beard inspirations are the Dos Equis Guy and Chuck Norris. And if you happen to hate this guy, but can't put your finger on it, I can tell you why - he's a Masshole.  I am surrounded by natives of MA frequently, and although none of my peers have been Massholes, which I hear are the worst kind of Massholes, I'd go out on a limb and say some of the staff are Massholes.  And I am currently reeling in pain, trying to deal with the Massholiness that has come into my life. I'm having a good time...Not.

Brian Wilson:  Maybe he's not born with it, maybe its Just for Men.




-bruiser

Vincent Price is the Devil

For everyone's sake here, I hope that you all have seen The Great Mouse Detective. It is about Sherlock and Watson Basil of Baker St. and Dr. Dawson fighting the evil Professor Ratigan.

Professor Ratigan is truly evil in every way [except that he is missing a particularly evil mousetache]. And his evilness is attributed to the voice of Vincent Price. It's okay that Ratigan doesn't have a stache because Vincent Price has enough for any normal human plus a cartoon rat.

Vincent Price is the wicked creature on the left and on the right is boring Ronald Coleman. What isn't villanesque about Price? The pinstripe pants matched with a crushed velvet jacket, the napkin he made into a tie, and the pointy- A) goatee, B) moustache, C) eyebrows, or D) hairline make this guy's house the best to visit on halloween. He probably gave out king-sized candy bars too.

The way his hair is styled even gives the illusion of horns on his head. This man is scary dope and no fuck he was the go-to man for all things scary. He is even the voice of Thriller! Even better, he narrated Alice Cooper's concert/movie. This man is scary-dope.

-bruiser

A Fashionable Facial Hair Friday

This Friday, I decided to enlighten you all with an example of Russia's finest (and most fashionable) facial hairs. Thanks to the Sartorialist, we can ogle over this man from Moscow.

I'll be upfront about this: I don't think I've seen a better looking Russian man before. And I'm not going to lie to you, although I really get my panties in a twist over a good turtleneck, this dude has Noicce Hair.

Can someone translate: Tell me sir where you get your haircut puhleaze. He needs to know how I feel about this.

But forealz, its so retro and he pulls it off googolplex times better than the beatles did. It's the right amount of shag and still professional looking. And zomg, it looks healthy! Don't lie to me, do you use pantene?

I really just want this man to sell me something. Anything. Conditioner, razors, aftershave, turtlenecks, eyeglasses, tacos, whatever. And we haven't even discussed the goatee! Have you seen nicer obtuse angles? His goatee looks like a fucking stop sign! I'd stop for him anytime *wink*wink.

-bruiser