Monday, March 28, 2011

Old Man Accessory: Tinted Glasses

What, no Sports Stache Sunday? I have made the decision to end my weekly post dedicated to Sport Staches - it isn't the end of Sports Stache Sunday, but it won't happen weekly. And if you are curious as to why, I klarly know nothing about sports, and I do just fine without spending hours scouring for something to write about that isn't really that hilar in the first place. So in the spirit of funny things, and old men (two of my favorite topics) I give you Chevy Chase and Leonard Nimoy!

I've been on a real 'Community' kick lately, and although I have already realized this about Pierce's character, I hadn't realized its a universal old-man phenomenon.  Old men wear tinted glasses (not in the way that Johnny Depp wears them, but in the way that rappers wear sunglasses).  What's the big deal?  These men are trying to hide the fact that they wear glasses by wearing tinted ones, and essentially, trying to appear more hip and less 'old'.
Now, of course I approve, because I am really jealous that I don't have Pierce's two-toned glasses instead of my Sarah Palin campaign glasses (which I had before 2008, thankyouverymuch).  And it goes without saying that Chevy Chase himself doesn't partake in these shenanigans - it is a manifestation of Pierce's insecurities.  He really looks unchanged, like his younger self with one of those fancy balding-wigs they have on SNL.  I mean, must be nice to afford botox, but no one gets results that nice.

And the only other actor that I could think of with tinted glasses was Leonard Nimoy  - who looks bangin' for 80.  And a full head of hair?  Does he have any single sons?.  I am certain there are other examples that I am blanking on - anyone else know one? 

Plz comment and I'll update this or make another post. kthnxbye.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Movie Saving Flavor Alert

Due out this year in the UK is a little movie called 'The Dangerous Method' starring Viggo Mortensen, Keira Knightly, and the new hottie on everyone's watch list: Michael Fassbender.  The movie is about Freud and Jung's invention of psychoanalysis. Sounds awesome.

And as you may have guessed, it will definitely be one of those period-pieces that fit as much facial hair per frame as possible.  I do believe they could have done better with Viggo - he really doesn't do Sigmund Freud's moustache any justice at all.

And Fassbender is totally the Irish Donald Draper. Except he isn't oozing with Irish charm...I'd even venture to say it is more Scandinavian?  And the man likes to make sound effects...a lot.  Take it or leave it, but its got a hot-nerd vibe doesn't it?

He doesn't pretend that his moustache is awesome and says in a NY Times interview that he's gellin' on some Tom Selleck, Magnum P.I. stuff.  First of all, who isn't? Second, it's okay, some people were born at doing things better than others, like math.  Other people were born with talents that actually matter and affect people, like growing facial hair. Tom Selleck is one of those people who win gold medals at facial hair competitions, but it doesn't mean that he can't earn a participatory ribbon! 

Because facial hair is a sport about both quantity and quality!


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Simpsons Tribute: Randy Johnson

I love all things Simpsons....well, except the movie because the only funny part about it was 'spider-pig'.  And I especially love it when they pay tribute to moustaches.  Randy Johnson received this great honor a while ago, but still a shining moment for America's favorite family [that depends on who you ask of course. [Stupid Family Guy].

I am always surprised that the only character with a moustache is Ned Flanders. The only one if you don't count Luigi, but who remembers him? Eventhough I am not a huge fan of Bible-toters, I still want Ned to be my neighbor. Better than Homer, considering he's an insurance liability.

And Lisa (always adorable yet painfully annoying) also rocked a flavor-savor in Randy's honor. I don't remember why she shanked the book, but to her it's blasphemous - good moustaches bring out the badass in everyone. I also never understood her unending desire to wear a tube-top dress. 
Screams slut to me.

Anyone remember other moustache rocking cameos?

Friday, March 18, 2011

No One Threatens Katharine Ross

According to a recent report from People, Katharine and Sam Elliott's daughter, Cleo, is insane and attacked her poor, beautiful mother.  I get the feeling this is the beginning of another 'elderly abuse' cases, although Katharine is far from old at 71.

Cleo 'verbally and emotionally' abused Katharine, while she was young and became more violent as she aged.  Now I'm not sure that this isn't some kind of Freudian shit going down, considering her father is in possession of the world's finest moustache, but where was the gun slinger to defend her?  Every woman needs to be protected against the crazies - there's always at least one.

I have three things to say about this picture:
1.) Cleo is a total slut. Only girls in playboy or under 11 can wear halter tops.
2.) The only thing Sam is missing from his outfit is his bolo tie.
3.) Katharine looks lovely in her 1960s-esque garb. Orange is delightful on her.

Cleo, I'd be more than happy to kick your ass any day of the week,

Sunday, March 13, 2011

If I Were an Athelete...

...I'd be as inappropriate as possible (short of committing any real crimes, of course).  Randy McCament had the right idea.  Seductively posing on baseball cards is no big, but it gets you remembered by 7 year olds as 'that dude'.  My suggestion: show a little forearm.  Drives the all the single-moms crazy.

His moustache is looking absolutely rare.  It's so fresh and not unique (can you spot moustaches 2 and 3?) - the perfect Power-Stache candidate.  It has just occurred to me that he might be a porn-star by night; check my math: seductively posed athelete + 3 fine lookin' moustaches = a porn starlet.  Freshly-sanitized high-five for pulling that off (not a euphemism)!


Friday, March 11, 2011

Tim Curry Might Be as Sexy as Sexy Gets.

Here's a request I got this evening: 'please write about Tim Curry and his musical awesomeness and his movies and muppet movies and his fantasical sexiness that is his facial hair aka face pubes aka orgasms to the eyes aka he’s holding a cigarette and I want one'.  I will do everything in my power to make this happen.

Tim Curry is a brilliant master-mind of the theatrical world and today, what marks him above all others, is his amazing, silver goatee. Truly a necessity for aging men.  But back in his Rocky Horror days, he was such a sexy transvestite. PS- 'I'm coming home' is the best song from RHPS period. [Note how RHPS is almost the same thing as RHCP, at least to me in my drunken state].

For smoking in both photographs, he looks fantabulous. Just sayin'.

And I never thought that getting a 'boss' tattoo would have ever been sexy, but now I am reconsidering.

Although there are a million more things I could say about the genious of this man, I'll leave it at:  I'd still tap that.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Why I Actually Love Brett Kiesel's Beard

Remember Brett Kiesel's beard and its epic awesomeness?  Pretend not to be surprised when I tell you that I don't love it for what it actually is - I'm not loving the beard for the beard's sake.

Take a good long look at this photo.

Want know what it reminds me of? (Read: what it should remind you of?)

My man Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Brett Kiesel is clearly a huge fan and using the man as a style inspiration.  Solid move, I do the same thing too.  Ian Anderson is a musical genius, which totally reads via his choice of garb.

Heavy Horses also happens to be my favorite Tull album - Kiesel is closer and closer to becoming my biffffle everyday!

This particular snapshot is quite tame for Anderson, who spent the first 10 years of his career in disco boots and wild, unkempt hair - an accessory to his crazy eyes:

Credit: Charlie Auringer

Not only does this man know how to write songs about absurd things while using proper grammar (something I haven't been able to achieve, klarly) because he's so educated&shit, he does it while rocking one of the largest beards known to rock n' roll (2nd to ZZ Top).  Febreeze fresh I dare say. His insane mane is glorious.  And to top it all off, he sports a flute.

He's a dreamboat.  I'm going to go out on a very secure and short limb here, and say that Ian Anderson is the source of hipsterism today.  And that actually makes hipsters a little bit more okay.  It makes complete sense that all the hipsters would be trying to get in on this action.

Credit: Rick Kahlmeyer

Here's one from Warchild/Minstrel era - hence the codpiece.  This man is the source of my envy of curls, considering I don't have a single sulfide-bond to call my own []. Note the sideburns, which are IDEAL.

And he is still the manliest man around while wearing leggings. Guys, take note. And no, you are not now permitted to wear leggings.

Heres hoping that another musician may one day profit off of songs written about homeless men, kinky girls and farming instead of fireflies.


Friday, March 4, 2011

Miley Cyrus and Jimmy Kimmel Bore Me to Tears

So last night Miley Cyrus was on Jimmy Kimmel. Big whoop. Shes going to be hosting SNL tomorrow night anyway, so I suggest we all shoot ourselves (no, not really. And I am going to watch SNL because the Strokes are performing - doooppe!).

I have to say it: I have never, ever found Jimmy Kimmel to be funny.  He is your coworker who you avoid contact with because he just tries way too hard, and although you pity the guy, you can't be around him out of fear of laughing (and not with him mind you).

So I shouldn't be surprised when they do a half-assed job at giving Miley a fake moustache.  I don't even think its made of any kind of fiber whatsoever - it might be a sticker? Or maybe its painted.
Either way its a piece of shit.

And I have no idea what the fuck shes promoting.  I mean she might have another disney movie out. Or she might be talking about how much she hates her dad. Or she might be releasing a new album, I seriously have no clue. Its more likely that the mourning period of her reputation is over, and now shes trying to patch it up with moustaches. Clever Miley, but no.

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