Friday, December 31, 2010

Distacheter has struck again!

So remember that really cool guy Viggo Mortensen? The one from that semi-successful movie, Lord of the Rings? Well, he is also a stache felon. One of the most heinous crimes one can do a face, next to throwing acid and most plastic surgeries.

So I dug up this gem at some point over the last few months and it is clearly not a recent picture – but it is awful enough to bring up for proper discourse.

Did you see the size of that thing? Were it just a mustache, I’d be cool with it. It would fall under the category of hipsterism for 50 year olds, which I “get”. But no, chin hair is included. View them together – it’s a mushroom stache. Do you see it?
There are two things wrong with this ‘mushroom stache’. For one, I do not like mushrooms. Secondly, facial hair should never look like food. That’s what flavor-savers are for.

Not only that, but Viggo is clearly in denial about his foxiness. Silver fox, that is. I’m guessing he was originally a redhead from his choice of hair dye and freckles. Didn’t we discuss all the reasons why redheads are bad? Why would you want to cover up your silver hair with all that ugly red? And what a poor dye-job! And an all around crappy hair cut. You sir, need a new hair stylist.

Please go back to creeping in pubs and aiding small men in need of defense, sans chin hair. Then we will chat.


Monday, December 27, 2010

Lip Warmers May Be Necessary

So I didn't post on sunday because I was snowed in with my lovely family.  In the spirit of all things wintry - Curling! By far the best of the winter sports. When are they going to make it for the Wii?

'Winners of the Grand Challenge Cup for 1906'

These men are so manly it's not even funny. Palmade was such a great invention, I don't know why men have stopped using it.  These ice- and broom-wielding gentlemen all have different neckwear - so classy! It appears that one of the curling partnerships uses moustaches for good luck charms.  And I find it humorous that they use normal house brooms, but it was 1906 after all.

To men staying classy in 2011,

Friday, December 24, 2010

Have a Burly Christmas

It's Christmas Eve!  I've been so excited about various things that I've forgotten how awesome it is going to be to get my classy moustache themed gifts from Santa Claus!  With the most admired beard of all time (next to Jesus) let us just pay tribute to the delivery man who slaves after all of our fondest wishes.  Fed-Ex guy - quit your bitching. At least you truck doesn't smell like 12 reindeer asses. does? Then commence with the bitching.

Do you see how classy this man is? How has he been able to keep his beard so tame and pure for so long? And smoking a pipe for all of eternity and never getting lung cancer - the magic of christmas!


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Don't Fear the Bald!

Fashion and sports aren’t normally in the same sentence [see last week and every sports anchor in the business]. However, on occasion, sports enthusiasts are also fashionistas. Behold Kevin Stewart of ESPN:

This man lives and breathes Barneys, Armani Xchange, and sports. He is completely into himself – I mean obvi. But when you look gud, you are allowed. And when your beard is dope, you are also allowed. The array of colors in the beard is astounding. Its like a rainbow of grayscale coming out of his face. He’s inked up and wearing vintage chucks. I personally hate chucks, but he rocks them. And he rocks being bald.

Baldness is clearly a topic I’ve avoided here, but lets diskus. Some men can’t help it – what was once a lawn of neatly cultivated hair follicles is a locally extinct habitat. But take it with grace and style – shave the little hair you might have left. This is especially important for those with pattern baldness. The belt of untrimmed hair growing around the center of your cranium is not attractive and does not make people believe that you do have hair. It simply draws attention to the fact that you are missing hair on top and don’t get hair cuts with large enough frequency. So men, if you are faced with this dilemma, shave it all. If you simply have a receding hairline, a good alternative for you is to buzz your hair. Buzzed hair gives the same effect of baldness, especially if you are white and don’t have a dome.

Kevin Stewart has a dome. Generally most black men do. Dule Hill also has a magical dome – I’ve seen it in person, it really doesn’t disappoint. In truth, it is a work of art that would make Michelangelo weep.

I realize this is long so heres the summary: sports anchors need to burn ALL of their damn ties and get a wife who actually knows a thing about fashion. Kevin Stewart is awesome, having lush hair is enviable, but there comes a time in every mans life (see Sean Connery) that the bald or buzzed look should and must be rocked, and bald domes are beautiful. If you have a dome, call me.


Friday, December 17, 2010

Hungry for Mutton Chops?

Oh hot damn. Who ever thought that anyone outside of a Jane Austin film could look good rocking mutton chops? Well the guy who I walked by every day last year couldn't, but one of the greatest presidents certainly has:

Theodore Roosevelt circa 1880 in his Harvard days.  Here is evidence that once upon a time not every guy who came out of Harvard looked like Mark Zuckerberg.  Oh, the days before scholarships and free-rides!  Harvard, you have really backpedaled. But seriously, he must have driven the feminists WILD back in the day. And we all know that his story doesn't end with mutton chops!

That moustache! It's like 1/2 of Sam Elliott's stache, but far superior to most moustaches.  You know when he made a metaphor about 'carrying a big stick' he really meant 'wear an awesome moustache'.  Why do you think Hitler had one? Persuasive? That's an understatement.

Image courtesy of The Frisky and

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Don't Underestimate Weather Appropriate Dress

So lately its been cold as fuck.  And my heat in my apartment is going shit house crazy - there is never any relief!  Which brings up a good point - if one is dressed appropriately, cold weather isn't so cold!

And that is nawt something that Doug Drabek needs to learn! Man has got it covered. From the socks (presumably white in color, although blak looks so gud!) to the pin stripes (fact: patterned prints keeps you warmer than solid colors. Those hippies must have been toasty!) to the jacket and the fuzzy hat.  And we cant forget the lip warmer! Seriously, I could use one of those. 

Moustaches: an evolved thermo-regulator.  

Friday, December 10, 2010

Not on my Christmas List

[Looking for something Classy? Try this]

There appears to be a moustache sensation shaving the nation. And we don't have to take the bad with the good. No one wants that. Point out crap for what it is: crap. 

So the items below are the things that I will NAWT be asking for this Christmas.

Seriously what is this crap? I blame it on the hipsters. Take it from the top!

1. Mustached Chef Oven Mit - this was actually a postcard from the olden days, so thank gawd its not in production anymore. Oven mits are fugly to begin with, don't make it worse.

2. Set of 4 Mustache Placemats - I get the whole etsy thing - you don't have any real life skills so you make handy crafts and try to support yourself. But....just stop it. That thing is so hein it makes me want to vom. Not only is that the worst mustache I have ever seen, but you can't actually use spandex fabric for a placemat. Sheen is always inappropriate for the table.

3. Urban Outfitter's Carstache - Two things: first, it just looks stupid and you deserved to be mocked for driving and paying $40 for that POS. Secondly, its gross. Can you just imagine all of the dirt and bugs and rain and mold that will be on it after driving around with it for a few days? There's a reason only interiors use cloth. Get the net.

4. My Mustached Friend the Bear Hand Towel - Again with the handmade crafts. Stop it. Hand towels are meant to dry my hands, not to entertain. If I wanted to achieve both, I would get a dyson airblade. That shits awesome.

5. Fake Beards - It just draws attention to the fact that you don't have a beard, like toupees. 

6. Mustache Hair Pin - Because most girls can't grow a mustache, they think its okay to wear it in any form possible. Wearing a mustache in your hair is not okay and looks kindof dangerous. 

7. Mustache Shot Glasses - Not classy. Rather trashy. No longer available from UO, and for good reason.

8. Beardhead - The fastest way to make you look the tool that you are. What about Snuggies? They take longer to ship.

9. Mustache on a Stick - For girls appurantly. FYI, you look stupid.

10. Fingerstache - See also moustache bandages. I have better things to do than decorate my skin with plastic mustaches, thanks. 

11. Mustache Snowglobe - Really not Christmas-y at all. #xmasrelevancyfail

12. Mustache Pillow Covers - Have you ever had a shitty pillow cover? Your face needs a pillowcase that is more into you than it is into itself.

13. Mustache Keychain - Looks like a dumbass dog toy. You better drive a POS if you have that keychain.

14. Mustache Love Ring - Again, mustaches are not meant for jewelry. Shits not manly enough.

15. Mustached Fruit Badges - Fruit neither have faces nor wear mustaches. Don't force it upon them. They clearly are more into beards!

16. Famous Mustaches Mug - As much as I love being educated&shit as I drink from my cups, it doesn't teach me anything I don't already know and is for the amateur moustachist.

17. Flair Hair - Oh boy. So baldies want to wear something that looks like your daughters teddy bear on your head and pretend that you aren't bald? When we can see your natural hair on your sideburns and face? Grow a pair.

18. Chris Mascarenas Shirt - The design is awesome but the shirt is hein and kindof scary.

No thanks.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

'Tis the Season: Awkward Xmas Cards

What a cute christmas card! Not!
You're all probably begging me to stop the awkwardness! But no! Nevah!

So here's Bruiser's story behind this one:

-Hey honey. We got another christmas card from the Wrights. Looks like Bill still hasn't gotten over his fear of cameras.
-Don't mock the poor man... He was raised by Koalas you know... they die if you take a picture of them...
-Are you serious?
-As serious as a Koala that's just had its picture taken - Dead serious.

Happy Hanukah!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Brian Wilson's Masshole Beard

My Bro-in-law sent me this video. And is this guy hilarious - he's like a living, breathing and athletic Bruiser.

Jim Rome sounds like a tool. He tried to keep up with Wilson's beard but couldn't. Goatees are usually inept at keeping up with full beards or lavish mustaches - don't try it at home.

Wilson's beard inspirations are the Dos Equis Guy and Chuck Norris. And if you happen to hate this guy, but can't put your finger on it, I can tell you why - he's a Masshole.  I am surrounded by natives of MA frequently, and although none of my peers have been Massholes, which I hear are the worst kind of Massholes, I'd go out on a limb and say some of the staff are Massholes.  And I am currently reeling in pain, trying to deal with the Massholiness that has come into my life. I'm having a good time...Not.

Brian Wilson:  Maybe he's not born with it, maybe its Just for Men.


Friday, December 3, 2010

My Classy Christmas List

The holiday season is here! A lot of you probably don't know what to get ol' Bruiser here, but no worries! [Look no further than this list to find out what Bruiser does NOT WANT.] I picked out the classiest 'stache gifts of the season:

1. Moustached Cufflinks - Nothing says class act like cufflinks or moustaches, so its only natural that they go so well together. Like peanut butter and jelly.

2. "Ain't ya got a little class to go with that mustache?" Poster - The coolest poster of all time. Hands and staches down.

3. Yosemite Sam Key Ring - It's made of repurposed suede (classy) and thats green, which makes it even more classy.

4. Moustached Glass - The classiest thing to come out of UO ever.

5. Moustached pacifier - I neither have a child nor intend on receiving this item, but if you are a parent struggling with your baby's ugliness or unsuaveness, this may be the answer.

6. Moustached Octopus - There are about 0 animals cooler than the octopus, its so fucking smart it blows my mind. And when they wear moustaches, I reconsider my career path.

7. Moustached Moose Shirt - Mooses are cool shit. I never want to encounter one, but they are about as epic as North America gets. I am inspired to buy a Moose head and attach a moustache to it. Or call the manager of Bugaboo Creek.

Easily the classiest Christmas eva
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