Friday, July 22, 2011

Art Is Greater Than (Or Equal To) Dead Bunnies

So not sure if you all noticed or not, but I'm really not into the 'lets draw moustaches on sidewalks/shape post-it notes/hang them on your wall' kind of person.  It really loses the magic of the moustache, because all you get is a shape, and you lose the 3D 4Dness of it which is so special. [2D = shape; 3D = moustache; 4D = moustache & gentleman. get it now kids?]

But here is something I can get into: art on moustaches.
Ohhhs. Ahhhs. the concept is mind-blowing!!!!

Thank god someone is thinking outside the copy-and-paste button. Instead of reprinting the same black silhouette as fast as rabbits fucking, lets put time and effort into it, approximately the same amount of time it takes to roast said rabbits to delicious perfection?

For every blind copy of a moustache I see, I swear I will kill a bunny with my car.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Never Before Seen...For a Reason

You can find anything on the Google Machine....including ginger reverse bang-mullets:

Unseen horrors begone!  Never before could I have imagined such a cruel punishment.  I wasn't quite sure what my greatest fear in life was, but waking up like this is at the top of the list, easy.

This guy isn't even the most heinous of ginger roots out there, so why? So many whys?!  What could possess an individual to grow the most horrifying of fringe [I am more critical of bangs than of even moustaches, I should know, I rocked them. I was fresh to death] whilst shaving the rest of their head?  And all of this while being a fire crotch? Turn in your man-card dude; you can keep your virgin card as long as you want though. I don't even think you could pay someone to take it from you, when you look like a walking case of the herp'. No one wants that.

The shadow of a mustache and chin hair look like some out-of-place bush. Facial vaginas are even worse than actual vaginas. At Sesame Place, this is what one would call a 'code Elmo' - a whole lot of bloody fur and dozens of children running away, screaming.

I hold nothing against you personally, but having seen this image, I hope you crawl in a hole and die.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Permilicious Deliciousness!

One of the many inspirations for Austin Powers, Peter Wyngarde is my favorite drag queen impersonator.  Thats some high quality hair right thurr - ladies would, theoretically, kill for it. I don't mean today because that hair style is so heinous, but its still Nice Hair.

With a little mascara and lip stack, Peter is a regular Tootsie with a moustache.  And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dig it. I'm pretty sure Tootsie wore the same exact outfit, sans tie that is made of the same fabric as his shirt.  What a fashion faux pas!  Maybe he is really a fashion genious, and we still haven't caught up.  After all, he was French (ouhlahlah!)

The quality of the gap between the arms of a moustache is highly underrated.  Much like gaps between teeth (which Peter appears to have - can you say combo?!? This kind of combo makes me crave a Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp. Ranch cures all wounds) only the most fashion forward individuals possess it.

Pete's moustache is really the image of class. And it's sooo European! and with the hair? DOUBLE COMBO - add a dutch apple pie to that order, cause its both refreshing and causes emotional eating, aka calories! And he is a sun-worshipper. That means tan lines ladies! I just added another slice of pie to that order - just wanted to let everyone know I party.

Peter aka Tootsie aka Al (you aren't supposed to understand, so don't get concernikist) aka sexually-confused-Uncle-Rico is the hair, moustache, orthodontia, tanning bed, and linen tie model of my wet dreams. So permilicious I don't even believe it's real. I'm gonna guess it's made from marzipan?

Sorry if this post threw you off your diet. When you party with me you party. hard.

Friday, July 1, 2011

What's My Name?

Well it's not Chuck Woolery, that's for sure.
Chuck Woolery has been replaced on my all-time favorite game show LINGO.

Stupid Bill Engvall is the new drone host on the GSN show. His personality sucks as much as his goatee, which is even more than getting a red ball. Yeah, that bad.

Why are all the men in my life leaving me?
What will the general public do when they are about to go for a commercial break? If Chuck isn't there to remind them that they will be back in 2-and-2, how will people know how long to wait? How will they know?!?

So here is what I understand this new Lingo to be about:
- Knowing how to spell five-letter words  jk we all know that none of the contestants know how to spell shit
- Listening to people go on about their speed-walking club and how much meaning it brings to their life
- Who can stand the longest?

Lingo is now the 2nd biggest waste of your time, right next to Baggage (the PG-13 version of the Jerry Springer show).  If you want to practice spelling words, play words with friends on your iphone and stop wasting your time by letting yourself by ear-raped by Engvall's nasty voice. Or visually assaulted by his salamander face.  Friends don't let friends watch bad tv.

RIP jokes about blue balls

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Value of Beard-Care

Enjoy my would-be fan mail to John Paul Dejoria:

Dear sir,
Your beard is IDEAL at worst - so choice!  I applaud you for demonstrating to men (and women) everywhere that good haircare is necessary.

And I see here that you are advertising for Patrón - so classy!  Although I am sortof obsessed (especially because it has a bee for its emblem - I mean who does that? Move over Lacoste) I am sure that you wash your dishes with Patrón, being a middle-class tequi.  By that I mean if I had a bajillion dollars like you, I would.

If at all possible, I'd like to date one of your sons. Good hair genes are hard to find, and great hair genes - forget it! I am very happy for you that you are no longer homeless (what a fucking backhanded complement, no?), but if you were living on my street, I'd give you my change, even though I use generic brand hair care and drink José (makes me vom just saying it).

Here's wishing you 67 more years of studly beards (and grown men making duck faces)!


Friday, June 17, 2011

Bolton's Stache is Blowing Shit Up

Ex-ambassador to the society of western whiteheads (aka the UN), John Bolton's moustache confuses me.  In case you aren't familiar, he's a neo-conservative who seems to want to rape all of the countries in the world into submission.  And he may be running for president.

He's even more stubborn than myself (moustaches often give you that kind of confidence), which would make him a good leader, but excuse my french, fuckno.  There are not enough iodine pills in the world to protect us from his theoretical moustached administration.

If you want to see him lie out his ass, click here.  He claims to be inintimidatable. That makes sense, I mean did you see that stache?  Only alpha dogs have staches like that.  Except that means his moustache is truly his achilles heel.  Where is Delilah when you need her? [sidenote: If anyone decides to begin a rebellion, I am permitting the name 'Delilah' to be used as long as the main goal is to defolicalize the moustached Sampsons of the political world.]

I am confused because his stache is quite the contrary to my previous post, which explained why facial hair is darker than head hair. I am fairly certain he dyes his hair, but who the fuck dyes their hair to Nasty-Ass Gray (actual color name).  I also suspect that this is his plan B - blow everyone's minds (literally) via confusion and then blow everyone else's thyroids who is resistant to the power of facial hair.  Wait a hot sec, thats a great idea. I'm on board.


Friday, June 10, 2011

When the Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes...

...We're talking beards here people, not muffstaches.

This phenomenon actually happens more than one would think, usually because the facial hair is younger than the hair on the top of one's head.

Michael Hall from Dexter is the perfect example of what I am talking about. It's a shame that he's a firecrotch (okay we might be talking about muffstaches as well...) because the upper half of his face is hot.  Unfortunately for him, the lower half is not, and there is no partial credit or participation points in the real world for hotness.

The real pity is that it affects gingers more than normal people.  If a ginger has outgrown their gingerness, life shouldn't be so cruel as to afflict them again. But maybe its nature's way of ensuring we don't become passive about the ginger problem, and that we especially don't breed with such individuals. What a fucking distachter that would be!

Although not only gingers go through this, silver foxes are also reportedly affected by the carpets not matching the drapes.  Now I'm not saying this man is a silver fox per-say, but he illustrates the point I am making here.

It can actually be very endearing to older men, especially balding ones.

Ew or you could look like this guy. I'm going to say that maybe partial credit should be awarded for hotness because the alternative is visually disturbing at best. Shit is just not kosher, no matter which way you fry it. This particular case is mentally disturbing; a classifiable nutjob.  Even more disturbing than this. And you're welcome!


Friday, June 3, 2011

The Invisible Stache

I am about to address an issue that has been largely under the radar of facial hair connoisseurs for a long time - the invisible stache.

The invisible stache is usually a man with strawberry blond or simply blond hair who grows a moustache or other facial hair that very closely matches their skin color. Exhibit A:

When you see a man with an invisible stache, you must do a double take to be sure he actually has a stache instead of a double take to admire such facial hair.  I'm going to be blunt here and say its pretty pathetic.

You all know by now that I believe that everyone should grow facial hair that is hormonally competent, so I am not suggesting that they shave these abominations.  There are solutions.

The simplest and most effective solution is to grow a real moustache rather than continue to pretend your stubble is authentic or even manly, cause its not.

Although a below average stache, the 'is it or isn't it?' question is no longer applicable. An easy win-win for the facial hair world I think.

The other solution would be to dye one's stubble (a la Brian Wilson) which is exhausting, not to mention distracting and not classy.

So all you lightweight gingers out there, do us a favor and grow out your damn moustache (or beard!) and don't keep us poor folk guessing.  Figure it out cause this shit ain't kosher.

[This doesn't count either.]


Friday, May 27, 2011

Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Disheveledness Increases Creepiness Exponentially

I feel so uncomfortable that I missed Facial Hair Friday this week.  I was 'lol'ing all night so it was worth it (aka the hottest mess; that should make it worth it for you too).  Here is something that makes me even more uncomfortable:

Schizam! God damn!

The first thing I have to say is that I do not believe this creature exists.  It is either the abominable snowman in the witness protection program or CGI because I have never been so freaked and confused at the same time. Shits not kosher.

It is so much farther than cracked out Santa Clause, he looks more like he just got done Moses rehearsals at the county theater.  But 76.1% of me wants to say this is actually a woman.

This man is the image of my nightmares, and even if I saw him in person I'd be too afraid to help him.  Cause we all know this man just needs some Suave conditioner, a hair tie and a beard trimmer but that is still like taking a weedwhacker to the Amazon rainforest.  Its much more efficient to set it on fire.

(Please don't set anyone on fire).

Friday, May 13, 2011

Bird Beard

Those who know me personally know that I am positively obsessed with birds. Therefore it is only natural for me to dedicate a post to the bearded tit.

First of all, let me just say that its a shame that North America doesn't have any of the 'tit' species because who the fuck doesn't love a great pair of tits?

Second, how elegant is this bird? I'd either call it more of a handlebar or sideburns, but honestly, it's a bird so we shouldn't be calling out technicalities.

I could go into detail about every little thing I love about birds but I'll refrain.  It's enough to love the superficial simplicity of these creatures without going into the detail as to why they should be everyman's favorite animal. Even if I did I'm not sure I could do it justice.

I'm pretty sure it lives the life every bearded man wants to live, affairs abound and constantly outshining the competition.  Plus the straight ones can be as flamboyant as they want and no one would give two fucks - the life of a bird is dope.


Friday, May 6, 2011

The Hollywood Moustache

Most of Hollywood's sexiest men have sported a stache at one point or another in their careers.  But more interesting than that, they have all sported the same moustache - all of them. Check it:

John Gilbert

Errol Flynn

 The ever-sexy Cary Grant
 Clark Gable
Douglas Fairbanks 
John Barrymore 
 Robert Taylor
Vincent Price 
William Powell

There's a reason the Hollywood moustache caught on like a case of the herp'.  It exudes intelligence, control, wealth, and class.  You can't tell me that (nearly) any man with freshly pomade hair, a skinny tie, a tweed suit with pressed lapels, a fedora and a hollywood moustache shaved with a straight razor isn't gonna make your panties drop.

Which genius will bring it back in style first?

Monday, May 2, 2011

German Disco

Warning: this video is not for the faint of heart.  That being said, roll tape!

This impressive piece of art goes from good to what to IDEAL.
1. Actually decent disco tune. Not bad.
2. We get a glimpse of the wizard/lead singer, and of course you're all like whattt but you venture on, because it is an investment with returns like piles of gold. Did you see how fat his goatee was? Exactly.
3. Now we can't tell if its Star-Trek the musical or just ABBA. Either is okay with me.
4. That clears things up - its German ABBA singing about Russia, Noicee.
5. Wizards back! And I think now we see that he is not a wizard but looks like the abominable snow man? Or maybe thats what USSR propaganda looked like in the 70s?
5.5. Oh snap! Wizard's close-up should be enlightening but its just more confusing.  Is that Indian with a hint of orthodox Jew plus a whole slop bucket of seasonal drag queen? Yeah I thought so.
6. Dear sir in the green ensemble: where have you been all my life? Or for at least the first two minutes of this video? With a moustache like that, no one is ever going to believe you are inclined to modesty.
7. The green moustache begins to sing within view of the camera and now we know why he was put in the back - when he opens his mouth its like his lips are trying to escape. Pan out already! The dude makes Fritz and Spock look normal. Perhaps he's related to the gums with a side of teeth in the red whatever it is?
8. Don't fear! The stereotypical-russian dancing wizard is here!

And now you are all the better for it.

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Royal Wedding Moustache

Everyone and their mother (especially their mother) watched the royal wedding today.  And although dull as weddings go (I find all weddings to be dull; I'm positive that both bride and groom also feel this way because if you watched them, you'd think they were serving detention at how inattentive they are during the ceremony). We all know that the best part is the reception because its post-pictures and the food (and drinks!) are delicious.

During the pre-ceremony, I spied a delightful man who I believe was a member of the royal family as he was wearing some military attire.  Although I did not get a picture then, I did find one of him from afar (and I will be adding the closeup once the broadcast reloops).
What you see here my friends is a sixth of the best moustache within all of Westminster Abbey today, guaranteed. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

I also didn't register this toothbrush stache the first time - what a find!

And I didn't realize people still wore those - I guess the 'too soon' period is now over for WWII.

And this was the stache I expected to be on every man's face in attendance over 60.  England, why you no like moustaches?

At first I hated the halloween parade all of the invitees thought they were invited to, but now I'm diggin' it.  It was pretty awesome to see every woman looking like a complete dump, and all of the men looking dapper with their tie pins and 6 shades of complementary colors.  And by every woman, I mean all of them except the Middleton family - mother and daughters looked amazing. So much class...and no one told me her mother was Angelica Huston. She's uhmazing!  And she had the sexiest suit/dress/ensemble.

Mrs. Middleton-382, Everyone else-0.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Daniel Tosh Needs His Beard

Whilst checking out sexy astronauts, I came across this gentleman - Karol Bobko.  I immediately thought he looked an awful lot like Daniel Tosh.  And then I thought he looked a lot like Chris Pronger too.  I decided he looks like he could be Chris Pronger's dad, but with all of the creepiness factor of Tosh (its a good thing for Tosh, I'm not sure about Karol here though).
The similarity is uncanny.

Tosh is Power-Stache kind of funny - ever racist and painfully truthful.  He tells it like it is and doesn't apologize - for a metrosexual, he's rather manly.  And normally clean-shaven, I think he ought to keep the beard, although it doesn't work well with his 'am-I-gay-or-arent-I?' aura that he bank$ on.

Back to Karol, it looks like something Tosh would do on his show.  Why shouldn't a man of so many hats also wear a space helmet?  Ladies would be begging for his questionably kosher meat (yes I did just use kosher as a euphemism for straight. I don't know why anyone hasn't done so before).

And if you aren't familiar with the family-friendly program, he changes his attire on a regular basis - hoodies, button downs, deep-Vs, and collared shirts.  He is running out of types of shirts offered at american apparel, and recycling one's wardrobe isn't classy.  Before he starts accessorizing and sporting berets, I propose he wear a beard.  Were I an MD I'd prescribe it to every joe-schmoe that walked down the street, and Tosh here is no exception.  A beard would be his Side-Show Bob, his Robin, and carry his lame jokes written by movie writer dropout interns.

Cross your fingers and hope for everyones sake Tosh wears both a beard and a space helmet for the summer. Or double-breasted vests.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Boston Marathon

Marathon monday was such the shitshow.  Seriously, its Mardi Gras for Boston.  Bitches be so drunk they would have shown their boobs to anyone who asked.

But the marathon itself was great.  Although strongly lacking in the facial hair department - I'd sometimes wait 15 minutes before seeing another.  Unfortunately I missed a few individuals who I remember as absolute PERFEKTION because of the drunk asshole in front of me who decided it was cool to lean 8 feet over the railing.  Click on the album link to see all of the photos and leave a comment.
Boston Marathon

Not only is this picture great because she's totally vibing La Toya Jackson, but check out the best beard of the marathon behind her.

So this guy appears to be royally creeped out by me taking his picture. Calm yourself son, I'm just admiring your beard.

I hope I age as well as Mike here.  And I just noticed his kerchief - noicce!  Totally goes perfectly with his pants, which I have in black and white! Brother from another mother I'm sure.

Solo cups and a super moustache.

I think Movember should hold a run that way everyone must have a real or fake moustache.  That would hold my attention.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Nolte: From Studly to Creepy

Ignore my ignorance, but I don't really remember anything before 2002, so I never remembered Nick Nolte as either A) sane or B) attractive. 

Everytime I think about it, I still find it hard to believe he was ever attractive, since he has hobo smeared all over his face.  Let alone that he was People's Sexiest Man in 1992. Holy shit that means he's 69.  And due to the existence of Sean Connery, his age does not make it an excuse one bit.

Let us stop looking at the horror of your future and focus on his sexy, moustached past.

Sexy. As. Hell.  

Move over Brad Pitt [for the record, I have never thought Brad Pitt was sexy. at all. but I am speaking for the masses here].  This is the reason why I get so depressed - knowing the 70s are 40 years behind us! Back in the days when Nick Nolte knew what conditioner was,  not only did Nick Nolte look slammin', but every other Joe Schmoe looked just like this too.

As much as my mother begs to differ, the 70s were IDEAL and there will be 0 decades better than the 70s. And of course by the 70s I mean 1967-1977.  Flavor-savers and thick heads of hair abound!

Sometimes its better to die young and beautiful than old and stanky

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Moustached Astronauts

So I spent a good two hours looking at the wikipedia pages of every astronaut listed.  I was surprised at how few Astronauts had mustaches (although a lot more had moustaches than had beards).  I counted about 13% of astronauts had moustaches, whereas about 15% of the current male population has moustaches.  And these photos span the moustache-heavy years too.  So strange.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you the best of the best of the men who work for NASA.

Every time I see this photo I get strangely girly inside.  Because I think that might be one of the best moustaches I have ever laid eyes on.  I do declare it Sam-Elliott-quality!
The shape, the color, the liplessness - so fucking IDEAL.
It's a shame such a glorious moustache died so young with David Griggs.  He was a dreamboat.

James Adamson shows off another terrific 'stache.  Not iconic in anyway, but really just right in every way possible.  And what a sexy suit!  I feel bad for the men and women who take their picture looking like either a criminal or a giant marshmallow.

Sherwood Spring sports such the BK combo - a luscious moustache and Nice Hair.  Zesty, I dare say.

If you happen to know an astronaut, encourage him to put down the razor.  We really need more moustaches in space.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Morrison: Sexy, Even in Death

I have been on such the Doors kick this week - thank god for youtube playlists!

Jim Morrison may have had the best voice in rock n' roll history - I haven't officially decided this yet, but he is definitely better than Robert Plant.  And the Doors were better than Zeppelin because they actually were about creating music and were completely original - now I love Zeppelin, but they were just trying to sell records and probably stole the largest number of songs in the history of forever. Bitches got away with violating that much intellectual property? I guess if it were me, I'd forgive Robert Plant too. But I don't forgive him for being old.
Jim was such an icon too - his style is enviable and so is his hair.  Although he has a really pretty face, I don't think he has any real sex appeal without his hair. Google it for yourself to see what I'm talking about - the hair made the man.  And it helps that he had the most perfect head of curls in the world (again, better than Robert Plant) - call them Adonis curls. Sexy as hell. Charlie Sheen can't beat that [whada douchebag].

And as I was taking google images to pound-town, I realized that James Roday is the reincarnation of Jim Morrison.  The similarity is insanely creepy.  It explains James's sexiness, and if he really was reincarnated, it explains why they both have bad attitudes.

And then there is Jim in a beard - such a fucking Stud. I personally think it's his best look, and because I believe in expressing your feelings via facial hair - his is screaming 'I don't give a fuck'.

And I often see many a man sporting a beard with short hair, which looks better than no beard, but I truly think many will find girls throwing themselves at them if they grew out their hair. Just an observation.

Too bad James Roday can't sing (as far as I'm aware)
-bruiser                                                                              source and source

Friday, April 1, 2011

Non-Awkward Artist

I had to save this photo from the cruelty of Awkward Family Photos commenters.  The question people need to ask about this photo is not, who is this man and what is he doing? but why are these girls so awkward? And why do they have stickers on their faces?  They must have been poorly behaved, hence the 'bitter' label.  I believe who ever doled out these stickers was showing favoritism - or is really trying to mindfuck with these kids by destroying their self-esteems and falsely boosting the self-esteem of the other.

It has already been decided by many that I am going to be in the running for bitchiest mom 2026, and this seems like the perfect way to punish my future offspring - both cruelly and unusually.

Now I know you are all dying to know about the man in the faux-foliage loin cloth.  What else is there possibly to know?  He appears to be some kind of performance artist - good for him for earning some cash by exposing impressionable kids to art instead of giving them meth in exchange for their allowance.
He may also be saving money by neither cutting his hair nor getting fake tans.
If I had that sexy bod, I'd walk around in some fruit-of-the-loom too.  Dude's got the flat belly that my free pilates instructor on youtube keeps telling me I can get, in just 2-3 weeks but I still am not seeing results.  Daniel Tosh can take a few tips from this guy, because I think he's still using the same instructor I am.

And his hair is still the best out of all four of them because he is the only one with curls.  I can't award him with best beard because none of the girls are of age yet to grow one, but he technically wins by default.

When I need some cash or to find my nirvanna, look for me - I'll be the chick wearing a knitted bikini, offering lessons for money.


Monday, March 28, 2011

Old Man Accessory: Tinted Glasses

What, no Sports Stache Sunday? I have made the decision to end my weekly post dedicated to Sport Staches - it isn't the end of Sports Stache Sunday, but it won't happen weekly. And if you are curious as to why, I klarly know nothing about sports, and I do just fine without spending hours scouring for something to write about that isn't really that hilar in the first place. So in the spirit of funny things, and old men (two of my favorite topics) I give you Chevy Chase and Leonard Nimoy!

I've been on a real 'Community' kick lately, and although I have already realized this about Pierce's character, I hadn't realized its a universal old-man phenomenon.  Old men wear tinted glasses (not in the way that Johnny Depp wears them, but in the way that rappers wear sunglasses).  What's the big deal?  These men are trying to hide the fact that they wear glasses by wearing tinted ones, and essentially, trying to appear more hip and less 'old'.
Now, of course I approve, because I am really jealous that I don't have Pierce's two-toned glasses instead of my Sarah Palin campaign glasses (which I had before 2008, thankyouverymuch).  And it goes without saying that Chevy Chase himself doesn't partake in these shenanigans - it is a manifestation of Pierce's insecurities.  He really looks unchanged, like his younger self with one of those fancy balding-wigs they have on SNL.  I mean, must be nice to afford botox, but no one gets results that nice.

And the only other actor that I could think of with tinted glasses was Leonard Nimoy  - who looks bangin' for 80.  And a full head of hair?  Does he have any single sons?.  I am certain there are other examples that I am blanking on - anyone else know one? 

Plz comment and I'll update this or make another post. kthnxbye.
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