Simpsons Tribute: Randy Johnson

I love all things Simpsons....well, except the movie because the only funny part about it was 'spider-pig'.  And I especially love it when they pay tribute to moustaches.  Randy Johnson received this great honor a while ago, but still a shining moment for America's favorite family [that depends on who you ask of course. [Stupid Family Guy].


I am always surprised that the only character with a moustache is Ned Flanders. The only one if you don't count Luigi, but who remembers him? Eventhough I am not a huge fan of Bible-toters, I still want Ned to be my neighbor. Better than Homer, considering he's an insurance liability.

And Lisa (always adorable yet painfully annoying) also rocked a flavor-savor in Randy's honor. I don't remember why she shanked the book, but to her it's blasphemous - good moustaches bring out the badass in everyone. I also never understood her unending desire to wear a tube-top dress. 

Screams slut to me.

Anyone remember other moustache rocking cameos?
-bruiser

If I Were an Athelete...

...I'd be as inappropriate as possible (short of committing any real crimes, of course).  Randy McCament had the right idea.  Seductively posing on baseball cards is no big, but it gets you remembered by 7 year olds as 'that dude'.  My suggestion: show a little forearm.  Drives the all the single-moms crazy.

His moustache is looking absolutely rare.  It's so fresh and not unique (can you spot moustaches 2 and 3?) - the perfect Power-Stache candidate.  It has just occurred to me that he might be a porn-star by night; check my math: seductively posed athelete + 3 fine lookin' moustaches = a porn starlet.  Freshly-sanitized high-five for pulling that off (not a euphemism)!

-bruiser

Afroified Wilt Chamberlain

Basketball legend, Wilt Chamberlain, had legendary facial hair.  And because he had a way with the hair follicles, he naturally had a way with the ladies.

And his afro is lovely. His afroified goatee could be trimmed a bit, but it has great shape. I guess when you commit to an afro, you have to go all the way. I can't commit to anything so I wouldn't know.

That's it for Black People Month. At least it gives you something to look forward to February for, god knows we all need something.

-bruiser

The New, Improved Chin-Strap

Call this another triumph for Black People, and perfect for Black People Month,

 Jacob Pullen has given new life to the chin-strap.  No longer skinny, but still perfectly crusty, Pullen's beard has a wild following at Kansas State. Fake chin-strap/beard hybrids abound, I'll jump on the bandwagon seeing as this one is going to go much further than the anchor stache or the hitler stache.

If you look closely, it is simply a beard, sans moustache and soul patch. Aka an untrimmed chin-strap.  And white people have gotten a bad rap for chin straps for years (rightfully so! idyots.)



But good for him for making it work, as evidenced, these novel facial hair styles aren't always fruitful.  Considering the recent success of teams with beards, I'd count on Jacob Pullen leading Kansas into March Madness. I'm telling you now, beards are less smelly and more humane lucky-rabbits foots.


People, stop wasting perfectly good salt over your shoulder, and grow a damn beard.
-bruiser

BBall Beards

Sports seem to be disproportionately be repped by Black People.  This isn't exactly true because that only really includes basketball and football, which is just half of popular sports. 2/5ths if you include curling. Seems fair for a minority that has superior physical abilities, no?

They also underrep the facial haired population.  This is also fair because A) they're a minority and B) it is no longer the 70s (unfortunately).  The Knicks, however, appreciate facial hair.

These beards are off the hook.  So far Power-Stache has only explored the trim, unkempt, and lumberjack beards.  But here we see men who view beard trimmers as tools of artistic expression.  If this isn't inspiration at its finest, I don't know what is.

I adore Felton's linear look - simple, yet incredibly unique.  It screams 'I'm formal, but I know how to party', whereas Curry's beard means business. Curry's is very flattering, and  it might be the reflection of his hairline.  I'm digging the symmetry.

Turiaf looks like the love child of Jesus and Lenny Kravitz.  Just try to unsee that. - Who knew a love child of Jesus could look like they'd beat the crap out of you at any moment?

Now if one of these guys would only have the balls to grow a stache.
-bruiser

(Source) 

Epic Beard Sunday!

It's Superbowl Sunday! You know what that means - you crackers better get out to the store, pick up some hotwings and beer, and celebrate Black People Month the right way!

And since footballers rarely do anything besides sit on their pile of money while getting tattoos and wearing do-rags, we will turn to a white man today for our Sports Stache Sunday analysis.

Brett Kiesel has been growing a masterpiece.  A miracle I'd call it - although other women only refer to miraculous growth as fetuses - this is a man's version of an expanding uterus. Check it:

Brett has invested in his face for two very good reasons: first as a shield, to soften the impacts his face might see in his 3 minutes of field time, and second, as publicity.  There's nothing wrong with using your superior genes to get ahead [and by ahead I mean money and bitches].  It's America. That's the kind of shit we pull.

I think the 2010s will be a progressive decade for facial hair everywhere.  For some reason people are only now recognizing its persuasive and monetary powers.  Which is just better for everyone else cause chances are, someone looks gud. And today, it's Brett Kiesel.  

But mull over the trend for a second - first it's Ville Leino representing hockey, then Brian Wilson rep-ing baseball, now Brett Kiesel giving football a good name.  And they all made it to the finals of their respective sport.  Fingers crossed one of those BBall gigantoids have figured out how to put the beard trimmer down by the end of the season.

So Brett Kiesel, I applaud your beard. It's dope as fuck. Power-Stache will be sorry to see it go.

-bruiser

[Image Source http://sports.nationalpost.com/2011/01/25/in-tribute-to-brett-keisels-beard/]

Brian Wilson the Sea Captain

This just in from Lopez Tonight.  Brian Wilson is the jackass we all knew in highschool who pretended that he was better than everybody else (especially if you lived in Massachussetts at the time) but really just wanted acceptance by the cool kids.  Ignoring his pathetic adolescence that has led up to his pathetic (yet very high paying and successful - those things always seem to go hand in hand) adulthood, let's roll the clip cause it rates fairly on the hilarious scale!




Sea captain, eh?  It's actually a really great look and I'm totally digging it.  Brian Wilson, please don't go back to your Jersey Shore gettup.  Shit's just not kosher.

Speaking of seamen and epic beards (and daddy issues?), lets check out this completely serious advertisement for a Sea Captain dating website.  Oddly specific, but hey, if you're looking for a man with a boat, now you know where to look!



Ladies, if you are over all those fake guys at the bars just trying to get into your pants, date these socially defunkt old men who do not command yachts but still probably have some of their personality left, and definitely lots of their racism from the last time they were on dry land (aka the 1960s). [Visit seacaptaindate.com]

I expect invites to your weddings
-bruiser

Seeing McDouble

I am going to admit to being confused recently.  I am, in fact, a mere mortal, although I don't like to advertise it.  I must not pay any attention at all.

So I was watching the Capitals vs the Flyers and I was blown away - what was Claude Julien, of the Boston Bruins doing at the Capitals bench?  I was blown away and immediately googled the situation.

Who would have known it (likely everyone else besides me) that they are, in fact, two different peoples? Amazing, right?

Yes, they are two middle-aged white coaches who are bald and not the trimmest of folk.  Apparently thats where the similarities end, from what I can tell, but who would have known that?  Bald men are like people of a different race - they all look the same.

The pictures here should highlight the differences pretty well, although

Bruce Boudreau is slightly heavier.  Thats really the only definitive quality I can use to tell them apart. They're like the freaking Olsen twins: one is skeletal, and one is invisible if she turns sideways. Really slight differences.


And if you haven't been following the Flyers, you should all know Ville Leino's beard is looking fly.  Leino just happens to be #3 in +/-.

Don't tell me that it has nothing to do with the beard because it does.  And our homeboy Andrej Meszaros (also pictured) is #1 in +/-.  The beard is lucky for both of them.  It is totally back to playoff shape. Thats febreze fresh, mind you. Seriously Ville, call me.

-bruiser                                                                      

 [Images: http://www.sportsnet.ca/gallery/2010/01/01/julien_claude_gal_640.jpg, 

http://www.homermcfanboy.com/images/boudreau042210.jpg, Photo by Jim McIsaac]

Moustached Water Polo Anyone?

I have water on the brain.  Because I associate water with warm weather, where I am just sucks.  I even travelled today...from cold to colder. My apartment is bitchin' hot, but I wont get into that right now.  So to warm up our souls (besides using my roommates electric kettle. seriously the only good thing the bitch is good for) by looking at fit men in ridiculous outfits and awesome moustaches.

The Croatian water polo team had all its members jump on the moustache love train at one point in time, and let's just remember it as one of the society's finer points in history.

The middle athlete looks like he belongs in Clue.  You're in the library with candlesticks? Be right thurr.

But seriously they might be making fun of the coach? I put that in italaks cause I literally have no clue, but I do know that the coach is at the start of this craze, directly or indirectly.  The man is passionate about two three things in life: water polo, staches, and salt n' peppa. Yes, in that order.

Things I'm passionate about? #4, the profile of the man standing behind #11, and #11 - in that order.

I still loathe summer.
-bruiser

Party Time! Excellent!

Well...football is nearly over. That means that baseballs only 8 months away! Never too soon to start thinking about next years facial hair's and no-hitters. And in the spirit of New Years lasting all month long (or is it just my hangover?) I present to you a guy that knows how to party:

Yes....I am telling you that all you really need to have a proper fiesta is long hair and some rad shades. With those two things, you will be invincible! The frat party hero [still powerless against fire, falling, and ugly chicks. You've been warned].

If you need to get into the spirit of partying, sing to yourself (the volume is up to you) 'I've got 5,000 dollars!' while waving your arms above your head (preferably with sunglasses and long hair). Sets the mood every time.

-bruiser

White Footballers and Long Hair Don't Mix

This revelation was not something I was anticipating. I think that everyone looks good in long hair. Well, not everyone. [See: the amazing kenny]

Yesterday was the Rose Bowl - TCU vs Wisconsin.  TCU looked better in their Barney-purple uniforms, and hence they were victorious at the end of the day.  Also what helped TCU was that they didn't have a white guy on their team looking like a fool.

At first sight I thought he was the most awesome player on the field.  His locks were long and lush, with perfect ringlets that looked like they came from a curling iron. I'm a sucker for curls.  But when I googled him, I was unpleasantly surprised.

Blake Sorensen is a typical football player kind of guy, and that is why he looks bad in long hair. I don't blame the guy, most atheletes look better with crew cuts.  New rule: if you fall between the spectrum of the amazing kenny and a football player, you probably look alright in long hair.

Here is to 2011 bringing us more Nice Hairs and distacheters!
-bruiser       

[Images: here and here]

Lip Warmers May Be Necessary

So I didn't post on sunday because I was snowed in with my lovely family.  In the spirit of all things wintry - Curling! By far the best of the winter sports. When are they going to make it for the Wii?

'Winners of the Grand Challenge Cup for 1906'

These men are so manly it's not even funny. Palmade was such a great invention, I don't know why men have stopped using it.  These ice- and broom-wielding gentlemen all have different neckwear - so classy! It appears that one of the curling partnerships uses moustaches for good luck charms.  And I find it humorous that they use normal house brooms, but it was 1906 after all.

To men staying classy in 2011,
-bruiser

Don't Fear the Bald!

Fashion and sports aren’t normally in the same sentence [see last week and every sports anchor in the business]. However, on occasion, sports enthusiasts are also fashionistas. Behold Kevin Stewart of ESPN:

This man lives and breathes Barneys, Armani Xchange, and sports. He is completely into himself – I mean obvi. But when you look gud, you are allowed. And when your beard is dope, you are also allowed. The array of colors in the beard is astounding. Its like a rainbow of grayscale coming out of his face. He’s inked up and wearing vintage chucks. I personally hate chucks, but he rocks them. And he rocks being bald.

Baldness is clearly a topic I’ve avoided here, but lets diskus. Some men can’t help it – what was once a lawn of neatly cultivated hair follicles is a locally extinct habitat. But take it with grace and style – shave the little hair you might have left. This is especially important for those with pattern baldness. The belt of untrimmed hair growing around the center of your cranium is not attractive and does not make people believe that you do have hair. It simply draws attention to the fact that you are missing hair on top and don’t get hair cuts with large enough frequency. So men, if you are faced with this dilemma, shave it all. If you simply have a receding hairline, a good alternative for you is to buzz your hair. Buzzed hair gives the same effect of baldness, especially if you are white and don’t have a dome.

Kevin Stewart has a dome. Generally most black men do. Dule Hill also has a magical dome – I’ve seen it in person, it really doesn’t disappoint. In truth, it is a work of art that would make Michelangelo weep.

I realize this is long so heres the summary: sports anchors need to burn ALL of their damn ties and get a wife who actually knows a thing about fashion. Kevin Stewart is awesome, having lush hair is enviable, but there comes a time in every mans life (see Sean Connery) that the bald or buzzed look should and must be rocked, and bald domes are beautiful. If you have a dome, call me.

-bruiser 

Don't Underestimate Weather Appropriate Dress

So lately its been cold as fuck.  And my heat in my apartment is going shit house crazy - there is never any relief!  Which brings up a good point - if one is dressed appropriately, cold weather isn't so cold!

And that is nawt something that Doug Drabek needs to learn! Man has got it covered. From the socks (presumably white in color, although blak looks so gud!) to the pin stripes (fact: patterned prints keeps you warmer than solid colors. Those hippies must have been toasty!) to the jacket and the fuzzy hat.  And we cant forget the lip warmer! Seriously, I could use one of those. 

Moustaches: an evolved thermo-regulator.  

-bruiser

Brian Wilson's Masshole Beard

My Bro-in-law sent me this video. And is this guy hilarious - he's like a living, breathing and athletic Bruiser.

Jim Rome sounds like a tool. He tried to keep up with Wilson's beard but couldn't. Goatees are usually inept at keeping up with full beards or lavish mustaches - don't try it at home.

Wilson's beard inspirations are the Dos Equis Guy and Chuck Norris. And if you happen to hate this guy, but can't put your finger on it, I can tell you why - he's a Masshole.  I am surrounded by natives of MA frequently, and although none of my peers have been Massholes, which I hear are the worst kind of Massholes, I'd go out on a limb and say some of the staff are Massholes.  And I am currently reeling in pain, trying to deal with the Massholiness that has come into my life. I'm having a good time...Not.

Brian Wilson:  Maybe he's not born with it, maybe its Just for Men.




-bruiser

Minnesota Movember

I apologize for yet another hockey post, but hockey has jumped all over Movember, its just so hard to resist.

The Flyers creamed Minnesota this week, but Minnesota looked better than Philadelphia did. I applaud anyone who can lose in style!

Brent Burns by far has the best 'stache on the team. He looks like a fucking creep, but its actually not the moustache's fault! Impressive!

I lied. It's a total tie with Cal Cutterback. Its like miniature mutton-chops. Mutton-chops for the chin. Movember is all about innovation! I will never get over the novelty of it.




Greg Zanon and Eric Nystrom have excellent moustaches as well, but Cutterback and Burns do stand out for creativity.

Movember is almost over!
-bruiser

That's a REAL Sports Stache

Sorry for being lame recently. You guys deserve an epic sports stache this week - and believe me, it does not disappoint.

For this stache we venture outside of the immense USA across the ocean to Portugal. Google Maps has not figured out how to get between these two countries, if you are interested, which means no jet skiis. Boo.

Football coach and former player, Artur Jorge is the coolest Portugeseian I have ever seen.

He is right up there with Sam Elliott for upper-liplessness - such an important quality! Such a full and dark moustache is too much cool for one coach. The hat seems to be a ladies-deterrent. Do what you can buddy, but I don't think one ill-fitting bucket hat is going to keep the ladies away from that stache for long. Especially with that adidas sweatshirt. Rawr.

This is the first evidence of a quality moustache in the sport of football (aka soccer) to be seen by Power-Stache. Now that I know it exists, more will be uncovered for sure. Until then, you enjoy this BK Triple Stacker - it has bacon on it. Delish.

-bruiser

Flyers Movember Update

So apparently Movember is the trendiest trend since buying lunch at school. That should get rid of the hipsters!

Many of the players have committed to growing moustaches for men's health awareness. But seriously, Keith Jones can't shut up about it, and its blowing up my Facebook newsfeed. This is in addition to Hartnell recently donating his hair to Locks of Love.

And it turns out it isn't going as well as they anticipated. Watch the video below to see what 2 weeks growth looks like for these guys:



Now part of the tradition of Movember is that heinous mustaches are celebrated, as well as the great moustaches we've come to expect. Short story, Carle and Carcillo have the weakest moustaches. This is ironic, because Carcillo has his own t-shirt with the slogan "Fear the Stache". Betts, Richards and Hartnell have the strongest moustaches so far. My bet on best stache is Hartnell, and has been from day 1. So far he hasn't dissapointed.

And here is a video of a few people with a poor sense of humor.



Making fun of the stache, really? You look like a dumbass. Take that stupid thing off and put those fake staches back in your bag, Giroux clearly wants nothing to do with them.

But if my hunch is correct, Canadians, and therefore 99% of hockey players have weak stache skillz. Can't wait to see how this grows in.

-bruiser

Sports Anchors

Here's the thing about sports anchors/announcers/commentators: they are (usually) retired atheletes who are fat, balding, and out of shape.

Now Chris Berman was not an athelete, but is old, fat, and balding. You say, so what? This happens to everyone.

The point I'm making is that these men are lacking moustaches. Chris Berman had a moustache for a period of time recently - at that point he was guy with moustache. Once he shaved it, he became old, fat announcer guy. A moustache is like a guy's makeup - it hides your flaws and/or distracts from them.

Okay, so he has clearly lost some weight and stopped hitting the tanning bed and gained a few hair plugs. But otherwise, left Chris Berman still looks a whole lot more trustworthy and professional than right Christ Berman. If you have ever been at a loss for an example where moustaches decrease one's creepiness factor, here it is. 

For the sake of all you sportsfans out there, here's hoping Berman's stache comes back.

-bruiser

The man that grows a Mo is only content when all are content.

Locks of Love

Scott Hartnell donated his perfect curls last week to Locks of Love. Some kid is going to be extremely lucky to be the recipient of such hair. That isn't any old hair - it has dozens of hockey games and minor injuries to its name. Just think of all the sweat and blood that that head of hair has seen. Again, lucky kid.

My sisters and I have all donated to Locks of Love before, it something that anyone with lengthy hair should do at some point in their lifetime. In a few years (after I've had enough therapy to prevent separation anxiety) I would also like to do it again. Locks of Love better hope Cher doesn't contact me first.

-bruiser


A man that grows a Mo steps up, shines and leads with confidence and style.