Friday, July 30, 2010

A Friday Worth Giggling About

In the spirit of writing this minutes before midnight, I decided to go with a mustache that is easy on the eyes...

Lol - jk! This picture was captioned "these are my casserole pants". Heck yes those are his casserole pants. I wouldn't want to eat a casserole where he didn't wear those pants. Some pants are special, and it takes a special person to recognize that. Take my 'african pants' for example. They should actually be renamed 'friends pants' because wearing those pants is an invitation for anyone to talk to me. I met over 15 people on one walk, all who were drawn by the magic of the pants.
Why should this man be any different? Yes there is a secret ingredient in his casserole and it has something to do with nylon. When you try to floss out blue and teal swirls from your tooth with extra threads from his waistband, you can barely notice his sub-subpar mustache. At least it makes mario and luigi laugh.
But not only is his casserole delicious, it appears that one can decorate with it as well! I'd like to order 2 rolls of vegetable casserole wallpaper, puhleaze.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bad Sports Stache Sunday

Let's discuss Manny Ramirez of the LA Dodgers.

Granted that this man clearly does not have good hair genes, his gettup on a scale from good to bad is just awful. Not only does he have a crustache, which scores poorly among crustaches, his eyebrows are mini crustaches too! That combo makes me as nauseous as the idea of consuming a 3 piece french toast sticks from BK right now. BK should stick to Lanch. With mimosas and beer.

Not only does Manny proudly display his cold french toast combo, he also walks around knowingly with that sad excuse for chin hair. It really just looks like pit hair. Not much more I can say about that.

Manny, just stop it.

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Fashionable Facial Hair Friday

This Friday, I decided to enlighten you all with an example of Russia's finest (and most fashionable) facial hairs. Thanks to the Sartorialist, we can ogle over this man from Moscow.
I'll be upfront about this: I don't think I've seen a better looking Russian man before. And I'm not going to lie to you, although I really get my panties in a twist over a good turtleneck, this dude has Noicce Hair.
Can someone translate: Tell me sir where you get your haircut puhleaze. He needs to know how I feel about this.
But forealz, its so retro and he pulls it off googolplex times better than the beatles did. It's the right amount of shag and still professional looking. And zomg, it looks healthy! Don't lie to me, do you use pantene?
I really just want this man to sell me something. Anything. Conditioner, razors, aftershave, turtlenecks, eyeglasses, tacos, whatever. And we haven't even discussed the goatee! Have you seen nicer obtuse angles? His goatee looks like a fucking stop sign! I'd stop for him anytime *wink*wink.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Welcome to the Big Leagues

Frank Viola has a first-base stache. Pitcher for the Minnesota Twins, Viola is a great example of the American Dream. White boy in the 80s, made it past mere highschool ball and into the big leagues. Who immediately grew a moustache to celebrate [obviously]. And we here at Sports Stache Sundays all know that with big league teams come big league facial hairs.

Here he still looks like a 17-year-old kid with that crooked smile. His hair is all kinds of wild [thats how I like ‘em] and his moustache is definitely blonde. I mean, not definitely definitely, but it’s a gamble I am willing to take. Stupid sepia tone.

And what a large chin he has! The perfect canvas for a goatee I’d say. But Viola appears to have been a life-long fan of mustaches and I can’t disagree with the man. Some men were meant to be baseballers, but there is a very special breed of man who is a moustached-baseballer.


Friday, July 16, 2010

Facial Hair Friday

el bigote = the moustache

So I started learning spanish (by force, not by choice) recently and this little image showed up. And now the entire spanish language has meaning and, dare I say it, value, now that I know el bigote means the moustache. Note that it translates as 'moustache' and not 'mustache'. Which means that ALL upper-lip hairs are excellent. There are no such things as an average stache in spanish. I think I might actually like this.

When I do travel to South America, I will expect all moustached men to have wide, lipless staches and long hair and walk around shirtless.

Me gusto los hombres con bigote.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sport Stache Sundays

So I didn't write a Facial Hair Friday. Whoops. But it's all good cause I was doing important things like eating steak. And maybe some research. I was at Mike Ditka's restaurant infact. True story.

Nice cartoon stache Ditka.

Really Important Segway - Sport's Stache Sundays!

So I totally ate at a football coach's restaurant on Friday and therefore should start writing about the plethora of sports staches on the Sabbath.

I said it was an important segway - not a particularly good segway. But there it is.

....So let's discuss Ditka's stache, shall we?

I love this picture. I chose it because he totally looks like he is trying to sell you a single family home in an area with decent public schools at best. He sends you magnets every year with his face on it and Christmas cards reading 'Mike Ditka wishes you and your family a joyous and safe holiday' When he really means he wants you to call him come April to sell your house. What a large relator he would be!

But we all know this picture is for some annual picture-day with the Bears. Yet it still looks eerily similar to my senior picture. It is quite possible that the photographer lied about his professional experiences and was truly a high school photographer:
Sit on the stool and put your feet on the x's. Place you left hand on your knee and your right hand on your left elbow. Tilt your head *just* so....This is looking really good. Now hold still and imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny seahorses....I think that one is going to come out really nice. Movie quote digression [lolz].

What do you think of his stache? or his hair? I think it is a very specific type of mustache and hair. It is a coach's stache. With Nice Hair. I'm kindof afraid I will wake up and his mustache will be here waiting to chastise me for mocking him. I'm not sure if there is another way to categorize it. It's a Sports Stache.


Friday, July 2, 2010

'Probably' Is Good Enough For Castrol Oil

So in writing this weeks Facial Hair Friday post, I came across this commercial and I couldn't resist adding my personal commentary. I mean, this commercial was made for this blog. Probably [see what I did there?].

View 0:00 - Check out that stache! I will forever associate Castrol Edge with decent average staches and full heads of hair.
View 0:03 - Enter slap-happy Scotsman with a fake beard. Ginger.
View 0:12 - Balding bowler [who hangs out with pattern-baldness nerd and black dude with normal hair and beard? what?]
View 0:15 - Average commercial Joe wearing plaid and scruff. This is why everyone hates America.

For future reference, I really ought to call lame facially-haired men who think with their dipsticks 'Jimmy'.


Mustache Modeling

There is a real lack of facial-haired models and that saddens me. Thank gawd the Sartorialist understands our plight.

Whatever Italyian designer this is is clearly progressive and I like it. Normal designers pick clean-shaven boys so you aren't distracted by their faces and only look at their clothes. Now this designer understands women and when women (I should specify - straight women and gay men) buy expensive faux-outdoors-wear for their boyfriends, they are going to buy from the lines that advertise Manliness [capitalized because I'm prettysure its a religion. Or an art movement].

And we all know models are not manly since you can see the estrogen on their faces. But in theory, they probably have some testosterone left if they are able to grow facial hair. And at this point, 'probably' is good enough for us. Unlike Valvoline, where 'probably' doesn't cut it. And I hope that the dude in this commercial never cuts his dreads:

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