Wednesday, June 12, 2013


So its summer time again. If you forgot how I felt about summer, please reread my 'Ode to Summer'.
I don't like it when its humid, and I don't like being in air conditioning. And I DO NOT like shorts - THE DEVIL'S CLOTHING I TELL YOU! DARKSIDED!!

Long story short, I was uncomfortable (when am I not? 1st world problems…) and was thinking about all the things I would change to make my personal Utopia. 

Rule #1 - No pants. None. Skirts are permitted (for both genders. I'm serious - they are both comfortable AND practical!)

Rule #2 - Beards. Everyone should have one. Men, women, and children. How hilarious would it be to see little gnome children running around? (And I'm joking about the women and children part. But it would certainly make my Utopia EPIC)

Rule #3 - *TITTIES* That means no shirts. I don't want to wear a bra and you don't want me to wear a bra? What a radical idea!

So, basically my utopia is a nudist colony but you can wear skirts if you so desire. No one wants sunburn down there. I'm serious about the practical part. Easy access? Yes please.

Those are the only rules that I thought worthwhile in my Utopia. I should be joining a hippie commune, I know, I know. But I am certain that this is for the best and that it be mandatory instead of voluntary. 

While wearing skirts would aid the "I'm a woman but have to pee every 30 minutes" issue [I realize that pants aren't a normal issue for civilized women but when you are outside as much as I am with Nature as your bathroom, you begin to understand that it IS an issue. Example: termites. Do not pee on termites. Just don't fucking do it.] there are just more perks to being a guy than to being a girl. Having boobs is REALLY NICE. It's fucking awesome is what it is, but that doesn't properly compensate us for the shit we get put through, and 1/3 of those issues IS having boobs.

There are still issues with my Utopia. #1 problem? Men. Just can't help the poor bastards. We love to look at you and, yes, there is some necessity to the male gender, but some of you guys just fuck everything up. Guys fucking shit up is, in fact, a woman's favorite topic of convo (Ok, its really not that big of a deal but us poor females are prone to dramatic, over exaggerations).

I know, you are thinking: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BRUISER? I'm close.

But wait, being a man is better, but they are also the problem? [I do not expect you to follow my stream of consciousness, since I have been working outside for nearly 200 hours this month, I have a lot of time to think about stupid shit like this so trust me]


SOLUTION: Everyone should be born female….and then have a spontaneous sex change around menopause and turn into a man! So many of life's issues are now magically fixed, here are the top 10 reasons why my ludicrous idear is actually genius:

#1: Everyone gets to have b00bs! You get them taken away eventually, but you get to have your own! Plus by that age you wouldn't want them anymore. No more boob cancer!

#2: By the same token - Everyone gets to have a dick! You get a dick, and You get a dick, and Youuu get a dick! Developing balls later in life? No more ball cancer! Bonus!

#3: Aging is no longer a problem. Those wrinkles that you fret about at 40? You have just turned into a devilishly-handsome Cary Grant, congratulations. and Scha-wing!

#4: You get to experience sex as a man and a woman. Probably not appealing to most, but if you tell me you aren't the least bit curious you ARE A GODDAMN LIAR.

#5: Younger women and older men. Everyone wins. Too easy.

#6: Puberty is essentially a non-issue. And teenage years would be much easier to handle with just girls. Significantly less crying I think.

#7: Didn't like who you were when you were younger? Make mistakes, or just get a shitty hand at life? Guess what! You can do it all over again! It's like a second chance at everything.

#8: Men and women would finally fucking respect each other. I realize how ironic this sounds since I was man-bashing a few paragraphs ago, but I complain about women enough, trust me. 

#9: Which means, less rape, domestic violence, etc. (Sorry for being a Debbie Downer guys but it is totally a valid reason)

#10: Everyone can have a beard if they want one. And I want one. 

Well, I need one to keep all my secrets.

Yeah, so if the world were intelligently designed, this is how it would have freaking gone down. DA END.

And that's it for me folks. If you need me, I'll be the topless, barefoot, dirty, skirt-wearing hippie.

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