Facial Hair Equality

Sometimes I seem to forget that I am not the only person who likes the stache (and beards, etc.). So I tend to write things from my (female) perspective. But that completely ignores the other - sometimes facially haired - sex that is also attracted to mustachios and the like. So this post is for all the dudes out there that love facial hair as much as I do!

Because what could be better than a man with excellent facial hair? Two men with excellent facial hair. 

It's science people.

Power-Stache supports equality for all people with and without hair.
-bruiser

Art Is Greater Than (Or Equal To) Dead Bunnies

So not sure if you all noticed or not, but I'm really not into the 'lets draw moustaches on sidewalks/shape post-it notes/hang them on your wall' kind of person.  It really loses the magic of the moustache, because all you get is a shape, and you lose the 3D 4Dness of it which is so special. [2D = shape; 3D = moustache; 4D = moustache & gentleman. get it now kids?]

But here is something I can get into: art on moustaches.
Ohhhs. Ahhhs. the concept is mind-blowing!!!!







Thank god someone is thinking outside the copy-and-paste button. Instead of reprinting the same black silhouette as fast as rabbits fucking, lets put time and effort into it, approximately the same amount of time it takes to roast said rabbits to delicious perfection?

For every blind copy of a moustache I see, I swear I will kill a bunny with my car.
-bruiser

source and source

Permilicious Deliciousness!

One of the many inspirations for Austin Powers, Peter Wyngarde is my favorite drag queen impersonator.  Thats some high quality hair right thurr - ladies would, theoretically, kill for it. I don't mean today because that hair style is so heinous, but its still Nice Hair.



With a little mascara and lip stack, Peter is a regular Tootsie with a moustache.  And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dig it. I'm pretty sure Tootsie wore the same exact outfit, sans tie that is made of the same fabric as his shirt.  What a fashion faux pas!  Maybe he is really a fashion genious, and we still haven't caught up.  After all, he was French (ouhlahlah!)

The quality of the gap between the arms of a moustache is highly underrated.  Much like gaps between teeth (which Peter appears to have - can you say combo?!? This kind of combo makes me crave a Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp. Ranch cures all wounds) only the most fashion forward individuals possess it.

Pete's moustache is really the image of class. And it's sooo European! and with the hair? DOUBLE COMBO - add a dutch apple pie to that order, cause its both refreshing and causes emotional eating, aka calories! And he is a sun-worshipper. That means tan lines ladies! I just added another slice of pie to that order - just wanted to let everyone know I party.

Peter aka Tootsie aka Al (you aren't supposed to understand, so don't get concernikist) aka sexually-confused-Uncle-Rico is the hair, moustache, orthodontia, tanning bed, and linen tie model of my wet dreams. So permilicious I don't even believe it's real. I'm gonna guess it's made from marzipan?

Sorry if this post threw you off your diet. When you party with me you party. hard.
-bruiser

Bolton's Stache is Blowing Shit Up

Ex-ambassador to the society of western whiteheads (aka the UN), John Bolton's moustache confuses me.  In case you aren't familiar, he's a neo-conservative who seems to want to rape all of the countries in the world into submission.  And he may be running for president.

He's even more stubborn than myself (moustaches often give you that kind of confidence), which would make him a good leader, but excuse my french, fuckno.  There are not enough iodine pills in the world to protect us from his theoretical moustached administration.

If you want to see him lie out his ass, click here.  He claims to be inintimidatable. That makes sense, I mean did you see that stache?  Only alpha dogs have staches like that.  Except that means his moustache is truly his achilles heel.  Where is Delilah when you need her? [sidenote: If anyone decides to begin a rebellion, I am permitting the name 'Delilah' to be used as long as the main goal is to defolicalize the moustached Sampsons of the political world.]

I am confused because his stache is quite the contrary to my previous post, which explained why facial hair is darker than head hair. I am fairly certain he dyes his hair, but who the fuck dyes their hair to Nasty-Ass Gray (actual color name).  I also suspect that this is his plan B - blow everyone's minds (literally) via confusion and then blow everyone else's thyroids who is resistant to the power of facial hair.  Wait a hot sec, thats a great idea. I'm on board.

-bruiser

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Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.
sademoticon.com

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.
-bruiser

Bird Beard

Those who know me personally know that I am positively obsessed with birds. Therefore it is only natural for me to dedicate a post to the bearded tit.

First of all, let me just say that its a shame that North America doesn't have any of the 'tit' species because who the fuck doesn't love a great pair of tits?

Second, how elegant is this bird? I'd either call it more of a handlebar or sideburns, but honestly, it's a bird so we shouldn't be calling out technicalities.

I could go into detail about every little thing I love about birds but I'll refrain.  It's enough to love the superficial simplicity of these creatures without going into the detail as to why they should be everyman's favorite animal. Even if I did I'm not sure I could do it justice.

I'm pretty sure it lives the life every bearded man wants to live, affairs abound and constantly outshining the competition.  Plus the straight ones can be as flamboyant as they want and no one would give two fucks - the life of a bird is dope.

Endofstory.
-bruiser

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The Royal Wedding Moustache

Everyone and their mother (especially their mother) watched the royal wedding today.  And although dull as weddings go (I find all weddings to be dull; I'm positive that both bride and groom also feel this way because if you watched them, you'd think they were serving detention at how inattentive they are during the ceremony). We all know that the best part is the reception because its post-pictures and the food (and drinks!) are delicious.

During the pre-ceremony, I spied a delightful man who I believe was a member of the royal family as he was wearing some military attire.  Although I did not get a picture then, I did find one of him from afar (and I will be adding the closeup once the broadcast reloops).

What you see here my friends is a sixth of the best moustache within all of Westminster Abbey today, guaranteed. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

I also didn't register this toothbrush stache the first time - what a find!

And I didn't realize people still wore those - I guess the 'too soon' period is now over for WWII.

And this was the stache I expected to be on every man's face in attendance over 60.  England, why you no like moustaches?

At first I hated the halloween parade all of the invitees thought they were invited to, but now I'm diggin' it.  It was pretty awesome to see every woman looking like a complete dump, and all of the men looking dapper with their tie pins and 6 shades of complementary colors.  And by every woman, I mean all of them except the Middleton family - mother and daughters looked amazing. So much class...and no one told me her mother was Angelica Huston. She's uhmazing!  And she had the sexiest suit/dress/ensemble.

Mrs. Middleton-382, Everyone else-0.
-bruiser

Boston Marathon

Marathon monday was such the shitshow.  Seriously, its Mardi Gras for Boston.  Bitches be so drunk they would have shown their boobs to anyone who asked.

But the marathon itself was great.  Although strongly lacking in the facial hair department - I'd sometimes wait 15 minutes before seeing another.  Unfortunately I missed a few individuals who I remember as absolute PERFEKTION because of the drunk asshole in front of me who decided it was cool to lean 8 feet over the railing.  Click on the album link to see all of the photos and leave a comment.

Boston Marathon

Not only is this picture great because she's totally vibing La Toya Jackson, but check out the best beard of the marathon behind her.

So this guy appears to be royally creeped out by me taking his picture. Calm yourself son, I'm just admiring your beard.

I hope I age as well as Mike here.  And I just noticed his kerchief - noicce!  Totally goes perfectly with his pants, which I have in black and white! Brother from another mother I'm sure.

Solo cups and a super moustache.

I think Movember should hold a run that way everyone must have a real or fake moustache.  That would hold my attention.

-bruiser

Nolte: From Studly to Creepy

Ignore my ignorance, but I don't really remember anything before 2002, so I never remembered Nick Nolte as either A) sane or B) attractive. 

Everytime I think about it, I still find it hard to believe he was ever attractive, since he has hobo smeared all over his face.  Let alone that he was People's Sexiest Man in 1992. Holy shit that means he's 69.  And due to the existence of Sean Connery, his age does not make it an excuse one bit.

Let us stop looking at the horror of your future and focus on his sexy, moustached past.

Sexy. As. Hell.  

Move over Brad Pitt [for the record, I have never thought Brad Pitt was sexy. at all. but I am speaking for the masses here].  This is the reason why I get so depressed - knowing the 70s are 40 years behind us! Back in the days when Nick Nolte knew what conditioner was,  not only did Nick Nolte look slammin', but every other Joe Schmoe looked just like this too.

As much as my mother begs to differ, the 70s were IDEAL and there will be 0 decades better than the 70s. And of course by the 70s I mean 1967-1977.  Flavor-savers and thick heads of hair abound!

Sometimes its better to die young and beautiful than old and stanky
-bruiser

Moustached Astronauts

So I spent a good two hours looking at the wikipedia pages of every astronaut listed.  I was surprised at how few Astronauts had mustaches (although a lot more had moustaches than had beards).  I counted about 13% of astronauts had moustaches, whereas about 15% of the current male population has moustaches.  And these photos span the moustache-heavy years too.  So strange.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you the best of the best of the men who work for NASA.

Every time I see this photo I get strangely girly inside.  Because I think that might be one of the best moustaches I have ever laid eyes on.  I do declare it Sam-Elliott-quality!
The shape, the color, the liplessness - so fucking IDEAL.
It's a shame such a glorious moustache died so young with David Griggs.  He was a dreamboat.

James Adamson shows off another terrific 'stache.  Not iconic in anyway, but really just right in every way possible.  And what a sexy suit!  I feel bad for the men and women who take their picture looking like either a criminal or a giant marshmallow.

Sherwood Spring sports such the BK combo - a luscious moustache and Nice Hair.  Zesty, I dare say.











If you happen to know an astronaut, encourage him to put down the razor.  We really need more moustaches in space.
-bruiser

Movie Saving Flavor Alert

Due out this year in the UK is a little movie called 'The Dangerous Method' starring Viggo Mortensen, Keira Knightly, and the new hottie on everyone's watch list: Michael Fassbender.  The movie is about Freud and Jung's invention of psychoanalysis. Sounds awesome.

And as you may have guessed, it will definitely be one of those period-pieces that fit as much facial hair per frame as possible.  I do believe they could have done better with Viggo - he really doesn't do Sigmund Freud's moustache any justice at all.

And Fassbender is totally the Irish Donald Draper. Except he isn't oozing with Irish charm...I'd even venture to say it is more Scandinavian?  And the man likes to make sound effects...a lot.  Take it or leave it, but its got a hot-nerd vibe doesn't it?

He doesn't pretend that his moustache is awesome and says in a NY Times interview that he's gellin' on some Tom Selleck, Magnum P.I. stuff.  First of all, who isn't? Second, it's okay, some people were born at doing things better than others, like math.  Other people were born with talents that actually matter and affect people, like growing facial hair. Tom Selleck is one of those people who win gold medals at facial hair competitions, but it doesn't mean that he can't earn a participatory ribbon! 

Because facial hair is a sport about both quantity and quality!

-bruiser

Simpsons Tribute: Randy Johnson

I love all things Simpsons....well, except the movie because the only funny part about it was 'spider-pig'.  And I especially love it when they pay tribute to moustaches.  Randy Johnson received this great honor a while ago, but still a shining moment for America's favorite family [that depends on who you ask of course. [Stupid Family Guy].


I am always surprised that the only character with a moustache is Ned Flanders. The only one if you don't count Luigi, but who remembers him? Eventhough I am not a huge fan of Bible-toters, I still want Ned to be my neighbor. Better than Homer, considering he's an insurance liability.

And Lisa (always adorable yet painfully annoying) also rocked a flavor-savor in Randy's honor. I don't remember why she shanked the book, but to her it's blasphemous - good moustaches bring out the badass in everyone. I also never understood her unending desire to wear a tube-top dress. 

Screams slut to me.

Anyone remember other moustache rocking cameos?
-bruiser

No One Threatens Katharine Ross

According to a recent report from People, Katharine and Sam Elliott's daughter, Cleo, is insane and attacked her poor, beautiful mother.  I get the feeling this is the beginning of another 'elderly abuse' cases, although Katharine is far from old at 71.

Cleo 'verbally and emotionally' abused Katharine, while she was young and became more violent as she aged.  Now I'm not sure that this isn't some kind of Freudian shit going down, considering her father is in possession of the world's finest moustache, but where was the gun slinger to defend her?  Every woman needs to be protected against the crazies - there's always at least one.





I have three things to say about this picture:
1.) Cleo is a total slut. Only girls in playboy or under 11 can wear halter tops.
2.) The only thing Sam is missing from his outfit is his bolo tie.
3.) Katharine looks lovely in her 1960s-esque garb. Orange is delightful on her.



Cleo, I'd be more than happy to kick your ass any day of the week,
–bruiser

If I Were an Athelete...

...I'd be as inappropriate as possible (short of committing any real crimes, of course).  Randy McCament had the right idea.  Seductively posing on baseball cards is no big, but it gets you remembered by 7 year olds as 'that dude'.  My suggestion: show a little forearm.  Drives the all the single-moms crazy.

His moustache is looking absolutely rare.  It's so fresh and not unique (can you spot moustaches 2 and 3?) - the perfect Power-Stache candidate.  It has just occurred to me that he might be a porn-star by night; check my math: seductively posed athelete + 3 fine lookin' moustaches = a porn starlet.  Freshly-sanitized high-five for pulling that off (not a euphemism)!

-bruiser

The New, Improved Chin-Strap

Call this another triumph for Black People, and perfect for Black People Month,

 Jacob Pullen has given new life to the chin-strap.  No longer skinny, but still perfectly crusty, Pullen's beard has a wild following at Kansas State. Fake chin-strap/beard hybrids abound, I'll jump on the bandwagon seeing as this one is going to go much further than the anchor stache or the hitler stache.

If you look closely, it is simply a beard, sans moustache and soul patch. Aka an untrimmed chin-strap.  And white people have gotten a bad rap for chin straps for years (rightfully so! idyots.)



But good for him for making it work, as evidenced, these novel facial hair styles aren't always fruitful.  Considering the recent success of teams with beards, I'd count on Jacob Pullen leading Kansas into March Madness. I'm telling you now, beards are less smelly and more humane lucky-rabbits foots.


People, stop wasting perfectly good salt over your shoulder, and grow a damn beard.
-bruiser

Whisper Sweet Nothings

Happy Black People Month! One of my very favorite times of the year!

This year, we ain't fucking around - we're jumping right into all of the crustaches and afros full throttle. If you don't like it, you can leave.



Here are all of the things that make up a Supergroup that people need in their lives:
1. Color coordination. Let us note their impeccable taste. Black men know how to color coordinate - it's genetic.

2. Large hair. Afros are the definition of large hair. And equally in this category are nice domes, because if a man's got a dome, you don't miss the hair.

3. Moustaches - duh. And the Whispers have a 2-for-1 special!

4. Beards. Salt 'n Peppa' makes it even betta'

5. Mixed heights of group members. Yes this is an odd trait but the Red Hot Chili Peppers did it, and so did Simon and Garfunkel.



The Whispers have all of those things. View it and be amazed:

 

You're welcome. Happy Black People Month!
-bruiser

Naked Ankles

January is naturally the time for dreaming of warmer and more fabulous places. Most of America is pretty miserable from December 26 through April 10th.  And since the grass is always greener in Europe, I'm pretending to want to move to Italy.

Now my personal vacation 4 years ago in Italy was a minidisaster - everything that could go wrong did.  And I have some of my fondest memories from that trip.  Please don't ask me about the gypsy story, that one is too horrifying for words.  So I won't actually be moving to Italy anytime soon  ever.  But this business man gives Italy a good rep [Photo from thesartorialist.blogspot.com].

The white pants and nautical blazer is a timeless look.  And for some sad reason, only Europeans are brave enough to go sockless with their loafers.  Look at all that leg he's giving us. Owow!

And this gentleman has embraced his baldness and gone for the Dome look.  See? I don't need to teach everyone how to look gud.  The shaved head really doesn't distract from his moustache.  And that moustache?  Well formed - in such a way that I can't imagine him without one.

He is using his moustache to his fullest advantage.  On him it is more of a daily accessory than an extension of his upper lip.  Much like his handkerchief or his cuff links.  The moustache totally makes the outfit.  Take notes hipsters.

-bruiser

Moustached Water Polo Anyone?

I have water on the brain.  Because I associate water with warm weather, where I am just sucks.  I even travelled today...from cold to colder. My apartment is bitchin' hot, but I wont get into that right now.  So to warm up our souls (besides using my roommates electric kettle. seriously the only good thing the bitch is good for) by looking at fit men in ridiculous outfits and awesome moustaches.

The Croatian water polo team had all its members jump on the moustache love train at one point in time, and let's just remember it as one of the society's finer points in history.

The middle athlete looks like he belongs in Clue.  You're in the library with candlesticks? Be right thurr.

But seriously they might be making fun of the coach? I put that in italaks cause I literally have no clue, but I do know that the coach is at the start of this craze, directly or indirectly.  The man is passionate about two three things in life: water polo, staches, and salt n' peppa. Yes, in that order.

Things I'm passionate about? #4, the profile of the man standing behind #11, and #11 - in that order.

I still loathe summer.
-bruiser

The Voice of Gold Has a Moustache

Ted Williams is amazing.  In case you don't know what angels sound like, watch this.  And People.com is getting on his case and digging up dirt on him. In case you didn't watch the video in its entirety, he mentions drug and alcohol in his past.  So it's nothing new.  And People.com - you suck. The only benefit of that stupid story was that I got to see his amazing moustache and jerry curl combo:

Ted Williams excels and voice acting, and when it comes to moustaches, it is no different. There is no sight of a crustache anywhere to be found.  Seriously, 2011 is going to be a great year.

Ted Williams is the Sam Elliott of black homeless men. Or radio DJs. Fact.

-bruiser

Lip Warmers May Be Necessary

So I didn't post on sunday because I was snowed in with my lovely family.  In the spirit of all things wintry - Curling! By far the best of the winter sports. When are they going to make it for the Wii?

'Winners of the Grand Challenge Cup for 1906'

These men are so manly it's not even funny. Palmade was such a great invention, I don't know why men have stopped using it.  These ice- and broom-wielding gentlemen all have different neckwear - so classy! It appears that one of the curling partnerships uses moustaches for good luck charms.  And I find it humorous that they use normal house brooms, but it was 1906 after all.

To men staying classy in 2011,
-bruiser