Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hockey Hair

It's that time again! Hockey's preseason has started - the NHL's draftees are getting hardcore ice time and  its about time we find latest and greatest hockey hair. [Playoff beards in approximately t-minus 225 days!] I have yet to find such hair (or facial hair for that matter) but that just means we should delve into the hair nets of yore. Introducing luscious hair owner Guy LaFleur!

Guy LaFleur, aka "the flower", was incredibly talented back in the day. I can only imagine he was called the flower because of his streaming gold hair that floated behind him as he flew down the ice. Must have been mesmerizing, and probably smelled like lilacs. So mesmerizing, in fact, that competitors likely resorted to poorly thought out threats like the ones from White Goodman "You're going down, LaFleur! You're going down like a sweet muffin!". If I were a defenseman, I'd definitely tell him to "cram it up your cramhole LaFleur" moments before a hit. 'Cause you can't mess with that kind of talent. And you definitely can't mess with flowers. God looks down on people who mess with his flowers.


Friday, September 24, 2010

This Is News

So I'm not a fan of the news...the media blows things out of proportion and causes stress to everyone who watches it. Plus none of it is ever relevant or remotely exciting. I have better things to do with my time. So apparently everyone else in the world knows about the Koran burning sensation thats jiving the nation. Except me. Now I know, from my love of viral videos. And the fact that this kid I met on a walk was talking about the 'guy with the awesome mustache burning the Koran'. And apparently that man is Terry Jones.

This dude was preachin' the truth: Terry Jones does have an awesome mustache. Fact.

There is just so much going on here. First the excellent salty handlebar mustache. Then the facial hair parenthesis he's got going on. Next, he probably needs to cut his hair more neatly before going to media events. Otherwise, excellent aging on his part. It shows experience, but not a whole lot of tanning in his hayday. Which is probably just from botox.

Not only do I have better things to do than watch/read the news, I also don't have time to check facts that I might have skimmed over while looking for pics. So appurantly this guy did nawt go through with the Koran burning like he does every year because of the spectacle he turned it into. Naturally this is all due to his 'stache. Any high-quality mustache is enough to make people offend both race and religion (see: Adolf Hitler).

So this shit caught on like a good-sized religious book fire. And every one was under the spell of the stache. Except for this guy in Texas. He cannot fall under the spell of a good mustache because hes a hipster and thats ironic.

Jacob Isom rescued the Koran from an unholy toasting grabbing it from a bbq. Nice. Since hipster mustaches don't count, we can't really discuss it, but he does have a rattail. Which makes me want to give him a high-five. Way to look like an idiot and ruin a protest. Isom is the greatest hipster alive.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

An Ode to Summer

Dear Summer,
I loathe you. You make me sick. Literally, like heat stroke, ereday. You burn my skin and will one day make me look like an old man [not a silver sadd]. You make me sweat and you make other people sweat which is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE TO MY NOSTRILS. And you make me wear shorts which are the most unnatural and most uncomfortable invention in the world - never again with that stupid piece of shit. We could still be friends if nudism was socially acceptable but its not so were not and i hate you. My dog hates you too and he's only 7 years old.. I want to kick your bifffle, global warming, in the ballz. He's a dick. We can't be friends. I know you like me but I hate you you she-man I am moving to Canada and blocking you on facebook. . I don't care what your friends say you aren't my season not now, not never! I hate yoou! I hate your friends too!! Stop calling me!

I'm calling Fall to invite him over. At least he goes dutch. you bitch


Sunday, September 19, 2010

This Is Not News

Everyone freaked out recently that Troy Polamalu has insured his luscious locks for $1 million. And this is not news because hair IS MONEY. If you are like me and Troy here, your hair might be worth $1 million [hence the adjective luscious]. If not, maybe its worth the $200 wig makers are willing to pay you for it.

The dude hasn't cut it in years which is a good move. He has curly hair, no one can tell if you have split ends or not. But I question the ownership of his hair at this very moment (or even as long ago as last sunday) because look who walked into the VMAs with the same hair(do?)

That's my gurl Cher. And who the fuck is trying to touch her ass? Dear Sir, she is not interested. So perhaps Cher raised his $1 million for a new wig. It's possible, if not probable. Cher deals only with the highest-quality hair - no half-breed shit.

Back to Troy. He is the spokesperson for Head and Shoulders. Who is the marketing genius that thought that combo up? They probably came up with the idea of using models with big boobs for Victoria's Secret too. I wonder what walking around with an afro would be like. And Troy, man he takes it to another level. It's OBESE. He probably needs to turn his neck to see anything. This guy can't get a concussion his hair is so thick. I wonder if he takes prenatal supplements?

Hey Troy - Nice Hair.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Writers Have Moustaches

ATTENTION: Factual information (that's peer-reviewed, mind you!) about to be read. There is a strong correlation between successful writing and facial hair. Almost 1/2 of the first 30 most famous writers surveyed had facial hair at one point or another. So check it! Sporadically, I will share with you a writing mustache/and or other collective hairs in alphabetical order! Yay!!

Edwin Abbott Abbott

Author of Flatland, that book my stupid math professor kept telling us to read, cause it was, like, the best book ever written! What an awful professor. And by awful, I mean the worst. And speaking of the worst, Abbott had some pretty serious mutton chop issues. And hair trimming issues. Dude needs a haircut. Not too much else to say about that.

So...presenting writer with lame mutton chops!

...And no one cares!


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Luigi Stache

Introducing statutory perfection. Carl Pavano, pitcher for the Minnesota Twins, has the best moustache of the season. Its so good it almost makes me interested in baseball. Almost. Too bad he doesn't play for the Phils, since I often watch it against my free will.

So his moustache is....a really excellent example of the average stache? a hotdog stache? a 2nd upper-lip? I really don't know what to call it. Some moustaches are born with names, while the rest of them are lumped into the "mustache" category. Now this stache in particular, I feel, is a Luigi stache. I mean, if Luigi played baseball instead of punching mushrooms, his name would probably be Carl.

New Goal: rename all of those deserving mustaches we encounter and give them some freaking dignity! You concur? Good. Feel free to send any good names way.


Friday, September 10, 2010

Like Father Like Daughter!

Thank GAWD Brad Pitt shaved his damn beard. It was just so unnecessary. But he also recently cut & dyed his hair - taking his style inspiration from is too-cute for words daughter Shiloh.

Like father like daughter. Although I'm not his biggest fan, I am a huge supporter of daughters resembling their fathers. It's one of those rare miracles in life. Except for Chaz Bono. He takes it too far. But I suppose he had alterior motives than looking more like the smokin' Sonny Bono. If every girl looked like their mother, well. . . then Teen Moms would be normal.

Props to Shiloh for being an Awesome 5 year old and convincing her dad to shave his damn face.


Monday, September 6, 2010

He's Not All There

You've all heard about 'I'm Still Here' a mockumentary about Joaquin Phoenix's existance (coming out this Friday, expect a crowd). I'm game for anything Joaquin, except for that movie with Gwyneth Paltrow. That was just plain awful. You probably are thinking, 'She must be relieved then that is was only a mockumentary and he wasn't serious about this rapping stuff'. Well, that's where you'd be wrong my friend. I was actually extremely okay with weirdo Joaquin. If he wanted to wear an EZ Comb in his hair, that's cool with me. And now I lament over the days when he had his EPIC beard. Let us revisit.

This beard has been hated on by a lot of people so I'm going to show the world how truly beautiful it is. It's really just an artistic extension of his hair or his eyebrow. And it's INCREDIBLY flavorful - burly Joaquin can ditch clean-shaven Joaquin's murse. That beard can hold keys easily, if not a wallet as well. It's also environmentally friendly because it saves on napkins. The best part is that his upper-lip is fully engulfed by said beard. And one the many rules of facial hair is that no upper lip = high quality mustache/beard. Just one of the facts of life.

Oh, and I'm a mountaintop, water-drop.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Anchor Stache

There are a finite number of ways one can wear facial hair [makers of Hairy Gary would disagree]. So to discover a new way to wear facial hair should be considered an accomplishment, whether or not people laugh at you for it like we are all about to do in 5..4..3..2..1

LOL Bronson Arroyo! I affectionately call this the 'Anchor Stache'. It looks more like a misguided tattoo than carefully trimmed facial hair. And anyone with such painful facial hair doesn't deserve to have long, luxurious locks. Shave your damn head. But thats the general pattern in Baseball - badbadBAD facial hair. When will we see a decent baseball stache? Hint: next week.


Friday, September 3, 2010

Billy Goat Gruff

Now that we are all beginning to get comfortable with a clean-shaven Brad Pitt again, I can't resist revisiting Billy Goat Brad...via Rob Lowe. It just doesn't make sense.

Appurantly (from, not as trustworthy as wikipedia) Rob grew out a goat beard for a role on Californication this past spring. The 'do doesn't last long (I hope the beanie made it into the incinerator) but we still have to scold him for his foolish choice. He clearly didn't realize he risked his career over it - fortunately Hollywood is willing to forgive his folly.

It's even worse than Brad's. Thats not a real goatee - thats armpit hair glued to his face.

Rob - just stick to oversized suits, real men haircuts, and pralines and dick ice cream.


Next week: clean-shaven Brad Pitt
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