Reality TV

Until recently, I've never been crazy about TV. Through college I didn't own one, so I only watched what I could on hulu. But now I get free cable (thanks overpriced rental agreement) and I can't get enough and its melting my fucking brain.

Can you guess what my newest obsession is? Of course you can and of course its Duck Dynasty.

Their beards are everything I've ever dreamt of. Who knew that I needed to travel to bumblefuck Louisiana to find them?

This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of reality TV. I've seen Pawn Stars, I've seen those damn fishing shows. I didn't get it. I didn't give a crap about those people or what they were doing for a living but holy god do I give so many fucks about the Duck Dynasty family. It has everything a girl could want: long haired men, beards, guns, and fucking ducks.

So fucking majestic.

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you I was a huge fan of the 'I'm slightly famous and want to be more famous so look at my stupid fake life' reality TV. I was really into Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I just loved the strippers (I mean, who doesn't love the strippers?). I also was really into Keeping up with the Kardashians but not because I like Kim (she has a fat ass but she's disgusting), but because I love Scott Disick.

What isn't there to love about Lord Disick? He is the realest thing on the show (and yes, he got Kourtney pregnant and is now making loads of money off of it) but he doesn't take the Kardashians seriously and sees them for the joke that they are. But he has so much $wag its not even funny.

I think he represents the other half of my personality - the half that is always battling my Duck Dynasty half. Hence, I end up being a semi-shaven, occasionally showered, but all kinds of sexy woman #fact. And no that's not a joke, I actually have that much self-confidence. 

The other great thing about Scott is that he can (sometimes) grow decent facial hair. It really looks good on him (sexxxy scruff!), but I am 100% sure he is too much of a pussy bitch to grow a real beard. So I will continue to watch Duck Dynasty (and Vikings looks awesome - something to dull the pain while Game of Thrones is on hiatus, am I right?). I'm pretty sure that's all I need in life (pathetic I know).

I'm back bitches!

-bruiser

Forte's Fake

Just because SNL is over for the season, doesn't mean we can't talk about it. And how about that guy Will Forte? He seems to be their go-to man for moustached characters and he is stachetastic. From Mr. Dillon in the Gilly skits to the ESPN announcer, Greg Stink, Forte has the mustache down to nearly natural.

Look at it! He loves it. I mean derr.

Lets discuss the acclaimed opposite band, Jon

Bovi. How good are they? Can someone find me a cd puhleze? Love all around for the Jon Bovi crew, including Seth Meyers, but I mean look at Forte's moustache. It has more volume than Jon Bon Jovi ever had in his heyday. And the gayest fishnet shirt I have ever seen. If only Stefon could get a piece of that action. THATS HOW YOU DO IT.

Another one of Forte's more clueless characters, Mr. Dillon is constantly duped by Gilly, but don't let that fool you - the man does know a thing or two about facial hair. It is the ideal middle-class mustache: a little on the thin side and extra lengthy, but still perfectly shaped to show his displeasure.

I can't wait to see more stachetastic characters from Forte come fall. Oh, and who can I talk to about more Jon Bovi Updates?

-bruiser