Friday, July 22, 2011

Art Is Greater Than (Or Equal To) Dead Bunnies

So not sure if you all noticed or not, but I'm really not into the 'lets draw moustaches on sidewalks/shape post-it notes/hang them on your wall' kind of person.  It really loses the magic of the moustache, because all you get is a shape, and you lose the 3D 4Dness of it which is so special. [2D = shape; 3D = moustache; 4D = moustache & gentleman. get it now kids?]

But here is something I can get into: art on moustaches.
Ohhhs. Ahhhs. the concept is mind-blowing!!!!

Thank god someone is thinking outside the copy-and-paste button. Instead of reprinting the same black silhouette as fast as rabbits fucking, lets put time and effort into it, approximately the same amount of time it takes to roast said rabbits to delicious perfection?

For every blind copy of a moustache I see, I swear I will kill a bunny with my car.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Never Before Seen...For a Reason

You can find anything on the Google Machine....including ginger reverse bang-mullets:

Unseen horrors begone!  Never before could I have imagined such a cruel punishment.  I wasn't quite sure what my greatest fear in life was, but waking up like this is at the top of the list, easy.

This guy isn't even the most heinous of ginger roots out there, so why? So many whys?!  What could possess an individual to grow the most horrifying of fringe [I am more critical of bangs than of even moustaches, I should know, I rocked them. I was fresh to death] whilst shaving the rest of their head?  And all of this while being a fire crotch? Turn in your man-card dude; you can keep your virgin card as long as you want though. I don't even think you could pay someone to take it from you, when you look like a walking case of the herp'. No one wants that.

The shadow of a mustache and chin hair look like some out-of-place bush. Facial vaginas are even worse than actual vaginas. At Sesame Place, this is what one would call a 'code Elmo' - a whole lot of bloody fur and dozens of children running away, screaming.

I hold nothing against you personally, but having seen this image, I hope you crawl in a hole and die.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Permilicious Deliciousness!

One of the many inspirations for Austin Powers, Peter Wyngarde is my favorite drag queen impersonator.  Thats some high quality hair right thurr - ladies would, theoretically, kill for it. I don't mean today because that hair style is so heinous, but its still Nice Hair.

With a little mascara and lip stack, Peter is a regular Tootsie with a moustache.  And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dig it. I'm pretty sure Tootsie wore the same exact outfit, sans tie that is made of the same fabric as his shirt.  What a fashion faux pas!  Maybe he is really a fashion genious, and we still haven't caught up.  After all, he was French (ouhlahlah!)

The quality of the gap between the arms of a moustache is highly underrated.  Much like gaps between teeth (which Peter appears to have - can you say combo?!? This kind of combo makes me crave a Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp. Ranch cures all wounds) only the most fashion forward individuals possess it.

Pete's moustache is really the image of class. And it's sooo European! and with the hair? DOUBLE COMBO - add a dutch apple pie to that order, cause its both refreshing and causes emotional eating, aka calories! And he is a sun-worshipper. That means tan lines ladies! I just added another slice of pie to that order - just wanted to let everyone know I party.

Peter aka Tootsie aka Al (you aren't supposed to understand, so don't get concernikist) aka sexually-confused-Uncle-Rico is the hair, moustache, orthodontia, tanning bed, and linen tie model of my wet dreams. So permilicious I don't even believe it's real. I'm gonna guess it's made from marzipan?

Sorry if this post threw you off your diet. When you party with me you party. hard.

Friday, July 1, 2011

What's My Name?

Well it's not Chuck Woolery, that's for sure.
Chuck Woolery has been replaced on my all-time favorite game show LINGO.

Stupid Bill Engvall is the new drone host on the GSN show. His personality sucks as much as his goatee, which is even more than getting a red ball. Yeah, that bad.

Why are all the men in my life leaving me?
What will the general public do when they are about to go for a commercial break? If Chuck isn't there to remind them that they will be back in 2-and-2, how will people know how long to wait? How will they know?!?

So here is what I understand this new Lingo to be about:
- Knowing how to spell five-letter words  jk we all know that none of the contestants know how to spell shit
- Listening to people go on about their speed-walking club and how much meaning it brings to their life
- Who can stand the longest?

Lingo is now the 2nd biggest waste of your time, right next to Baggage (the PG-13 version of the Jerry Springer show).  If you want to practice spelling words, play words with friends on your iphone and stop wasting your time by letting yourself by ear-raped by Engvall's nasty voice. Or visually assaulted by his salamander face.  Friends don't let friends watch bad tv.

RIP jokes about blue balls
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