Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Reality TV

Until recently, I've never been crazy about TV. Through college I didn't own one, so I only watched what I could on hulu. But now I get free cable (thanks overpriced rental agreement) and I can't get enough and its melting my fucking brain.

Can you guess what my newest obsession is? Of course you can and of course its Duck Dynasty.

Their beards are everything I've ever dreamt of. Who knew that I needed to travel to bumblefuck Louisiana to find them?

This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of reality TV. I've seen Pawn Stars, I've seen those damn fishing shows. I didn't get it. I didn't give a crap about those people or what they were doing for a living but holy god do I give so many fucks about the Duck Dynasty family. It has everything a girl could want: long haired men, beards, guns, and fucking ducks.

So fucking majestic.

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you I was a huge fan of the 'I'm slightly famous and want to be more famous so look at my stupid fake life' reality TV. I was really into Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I just loved the strippers (I mean, who doesn't love the strippers?). I also was really into Keeping up with the Kardashians but not because I like Kim (she has a fat ass but she's disgusting), but because I love Scott Disick.

What isn't there to love about Lord Disick? He is the realest thing on the show (and yes, he got Kourtney pregnant and is now making loads of money off of it) but he doesn't take the Kardashians seriously and sees them for the joke that they are. But he has so much $wag its not even funny.

I think he represents the other half of my personality - the half that is always battling my Duck Dynasty half. Hence, I end up being a semi-shaven, occasionally showered, but all kinds of sexy woman #fact. And no that's not a joke, I actually have that much self-confidence. 

The other great thing about Scott is that he can (sometimes) grow decent facial hair. It really looks good on him (sexxxy scruff!), but I am 100% sure he is too much of a pussy bitch to grow a real beard. So I will continue to watch Duck Dynasty (and Vikings looks awesome - something to dull the pain while Game of Thrones is on hiatus, am I right?). I'm pretty sure that's all I need in life (pathetic I know).

I'm back bitches!

-bruiser

Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.
sademoticon.com

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.
-bruiser

Old Man Accessory: Tinted Glasses

What, no Sports Stache Sunday? I have made the decision to end my weekly post dedicated to Sport Staches - it isn't the end of Sports Stache Sunday, but it won't happen weekly. And if you are curious as to why, I klarly know nothing about sports, and I do just fine without spending hours scouring ESPN.com for something to write about that isn't really that hilar in the first place. So in the spirit of funny things, and old men (two of my favorite topics) I give you Chevy Chase and Leonard Nimoy!

I've been on a real 'Community' kick lately, and although I have already realized this about Pierce's character, I hadn't realized its a universal old-man phenomenon.  Old men wear tinted glasses (not in the way that Johnny Depp wears them, but in the way that rappers wear sunglasses).  What's the big deal?  These men are trying to hide the fact that they wear glasses by wearing tinted ones, and essentially, trying to appear more hip and less 'old'.

Now, of course I approve, because I am really jealous that I don't have Pierce's two-toned glasses instead of my Sarah Palin campaign glasses (which I had before 2008, thankyouverymuch).  And it goes without saying that Chevy Chase himself doesn't partake in these shenanigans - it is a manifestation of Pierce's insecurities.  He really looks unchanged, like his younger self with one of those fancy balding-wigs they have on SNL.  I mean, must be nice to afford botox, but no one gets results that nice.

And the only other actor that I could think of with tinted glasses was Leonard Nimoy  - who looks bangin' for 80.  And a full head of hair?  Does he have any single sons?.  I am certain there are other examples that I am blanking on - anyone else know one? 

Plz comment and I'll update this or make another post. kthnxbye.

-bruiser

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Its February! aka Black People Month!

Okay, so the title isn't exactly 'PC' but being PC is overrated, and not exactly...um...anything on this site is 'PC', so deal with it. bitches.

i.love.february.

And you know who didn't go to jail because its black month and shits not kosher? Lil Wayne.

And you know who I have a wall dedicated to? Lil Wayne.

And you know who doesn't have a nice crustache but does have nice dreads and pjs (oh hey burberry!)? Lil Wayne.

And you know who does have a nice crustache?

My homeboy Michael Jordan. He was definitely my 1st crush. Heck yes I was about staches when I was 7.

I was born with aspirations people.

This might be the best picture of all time. What's so perfect about it? The man clearly was born to sell Coca-Cola. And play basketball. Which one does he do better? Well I'm refilling my cup of Coca-Cola Classic right now, so theres that.

The shirt. It looks like one of those vacation shirts that change in the sunlight, and who doesn't look fashionable in those? Well I can't speak for you, but me and MJ (not to be confused with Michael Jackson) certainly do. And even though those Nike shorts look like they could out-constrict an anaconda, he seems comfortable in his sports attire, so hats off to him.

And whats actually the best thing about this photo is how very much it reminds me of Garth in Reebok:

"It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad."

Just a quick shout-out to Garth for completing my life, ereday.

Before I start professing my love to all things of the Garth-persuasion, lets get back to Black month.

Here is a not-so-nice crustache, but its okay cause Jagged-Edge, 'Where The Party At?' is my jam. Puhleze, its everyones jam. Spread some Skippy on it and the party is wherever you are, my friend.

This picture is the dopest thing to come out of Philadelphia since TastyKakes. And possibly the epitome of the 'crustache'.

But, oh wait guys. There is a winner today, and this winner has moves so smooth you'd think he'd have shaved. Not a chance in hell.

Carlton Banks. Carlton Banks

I would never leave you guys without this moment of glory:

-bruiser