Can't Handle The Handlebar!

Why does Nicole Kidman exist?

In all likelyhood, specifically to prevent me from enjoying the world's finest stache. Whada bitch!

Okay, so here's the story: I hate Nicole Kidman with a burning passion and will never watch anything with her in it. I hate her just as much as I hate Nicholas Cage, and we do nawt want to open up that can of worms. [EDIT: We are going to open that nasty-ass can of worms because he's totally in Ghostrider with Nicholas Cage! What an asshole! (Nicholas Cage I mean.) stupid nagger.]

So I spent months changing the channel to avoid looking at her emaciated-troll face whenever The Golden Compass trailer came on. Unfortunately for myself, I never came to realize that Sam Elliott's shining stache was the main feature, which, I'll have you know, swept the award shows for "Best Supporting Stache".

What handlebar beauty and perfection! This man has every desirable hair gene known to man. His eyebrows are *amazing*. And he has a full head of hair - What a feat! And the moustache: It has consistent color, symmetrical shape, incredible volume, upper-liplessness, and a salty-scruff. I can't do it justice. I'm in fucking awe right now.

I almost couldn't top that, but then I remembered this little morsel. He has a wife (duh) and she's sexy as hell.

Mr. Sam Elliott is married to Katharine Ross. I know her as my girlfriend, but many of you know her as Elaine Robinson from The Graduate or as Etta Place from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Actually, nothing makes me happier that they are together. Because a stache like that needs beauty like hers to match it, and she certainly deserves nothing less than a stache like that. Its fate.

And here they are together because they're so fucking cute.

Those two are actually what the 60s were all about. What was that? You say that the Beatles were? I'm not familiar. They sound like a bunch of A-holes anyway.

Here's one last look, upclose, at the mother of all staches:

You're Welcome.

-bruiser

High School: We ain't talking about crustaches

High school is the worst time of your life, second only to middle school. And if its not the second worst time of your life, then your current life sucks. My high school experience consisted of not trying hard (like I hate to do), getting straight A's (like I love to do), waiting for 500 idiots to grow up (patience is not one of my better qualities) and zero mustaches. And a lack of facial hair in general. And a lack of nice hair (well, except for me). So in summary, it sucked. No surprise there.

Then picture it. A sophomore in college, with all the facial hair you could ever want (and don't want) to see, ereday. Probably haven't thought about high school since I graduated and then I get thrown this doozie: two teachers from high school decide to have a moustache competition! I could die. Thats actually the only thing that can make my high school experience any worse - they held out on me for three (3) years! So rude!!!!

But I have to forgive them. Because in reality, those two mustaches are the most perfect things to come out of my high school since I peaced out of there two years ago.

Can you just imagine how much better high school would have been with those mustaches? You mean we have to go outside and play ultimate frisbee and its only 45 degrees out and it just rained? No problem. You want a report on the French Revolution? Its already done.

Students have tons of requirements. The PSSAs are "required". Attendance is "required". So facial hair should be required [note the lack of quotes] with only the facially-haired disabled excused. Imagine the facial hair face-offs that could ensue! It could be as awesome as this.

Finally, a shout-out to my homeboy, my 11th grade SS teacher. You and your moustache are dope. I highly recommend keeping it.

-bruiser

Bo Who?

So I had no idea who this dude was before he made headlines for his haircut on People.

His beard is average at best. I'm torn and can't decide how I feel about him. I mean I'm sure he SUCKS since he was on American Idol. That's really just a show for singers who are sub-par by today's standards, which means they sound worse than Miley Cyrus. yikes.

But I mean that I'm torn about his hair. Like I LOB grunge and nearly anything that came out of the 90s besides Seinfeld, and he totally has the grunge look down:

Well, all but that shirt. Cause we know thats not from any decade. But the thing about the grunge look is, he doesn't rock it. Were Kurt Cobain walking around today looking like he did in 1990, no one would question him because he owns that shit. Bo Bice? Just a pissed-on tween who missed the golden days of grunge. And you know he has a crush on Chris Cornell (who doesn't? He looks GOOD) cause he definitely took this picture to his stylist. Unfortunately for him, no one in their right mind would perm that fistful of hairs he calls a mane. Here is said picture because I am oh-so kind and am genuinely concernikist about your well-being:

omg, nice goatee!

But apparently he's ditching whatever Rock he claimed to have before like a dirty ho and has gone country. Because of his midlife crisis, he no longer idolizes Chris Cornell every second of every day (blasphemy!!) but now idolizes that lame actress from that nearly as lame tv show from the 90s FRIENDS.

You see what I mean? He got the 'Rachel'! Highlights and all! wtfwtfwtf!

The verdict is in: Bo Bice officially BLOWS GOATS (I have proof.)

-bruiser

Name that Stache!

Oh sweet 6lb. 8oz. baby Jesus, its Alex Trebek's stache back from the grave of sinful shaving.

Funfact: Jeopardy and Trebek's stache are actually one entity.

Funfact: Trebek is significantly more creepy and less trustworthy sans stache.

Funfact: I remember being emotionally distraught as a child when he shaved his stache.

Funfact: The only reason why Jamal can watch Jeopardy in Finding Forrester is because of Sean Connery's beard.

Funfact: There are zero (thats so many!) reasons to watch Jeopardy with a stacheless Trebek.

What a distacheter!!!!

Oh shoot! remember February's winning stache? It's back! and completely relevant! WOW, thats so rare!

Learning the following two facts made me have a spazz attack this morning:

1. Carlton has a name (its Alfonso Ribeiro)

2. Alfonso Ribeiro (and his famous crustache) host a game show, on my favorite game show channel, the Game Show Network!

Now I have no clue what this game is actually about, cards, trivia, or whatever since I don't have a tv (gasp). But believe me when I say it would be new favorite show considering Carlton's hosting a game show. And thats exactly what it is, and I can only fathom it being nearly as entertaining the Fresh Prince reruns.

What is actually more entertaining than reruns of Fresh Prince is the love of my life, Chuck Woolery!!!

Again, why don't I have a tv? I can't exactly explain why, but I am completely and utterly obsessed with Chuck Woolery and his lovely late-night game show, Lingo. Maybe its his charm, his good looks, his winning smile, his crude jokes about balls, or his super hosting skillz that counter the fact that the contestants on Lingo are the most boring and unanimated people alive. I often debate [with myself of course] whether its a game about spelling under the illusion of pressure, or if its a reality tv show about people born without personalities. Fortunately, Chuck has enough personality to go around.

The man says he'll be back in 2-and-2 and no one doubts him. And he achieves this feat [I would have added amazing there, but I've begun to question my judgement skillz] sans stache. Now we all know that I am a fan of blanketed-overstatements and we also all know that wearing a stache makes one significantly more trustworthy [unless its a pedostache], but this man doesn't need a stache to gain my trust.

We salute you Chuck! Scha-wing.

-bruiser

Stachatize me, Cap'n!

As I've already proclaimed, size MATTERS...but not as much as strength does. I'll tell you what Hollywood is NOT here for: limp and/or soggy...cereal, of course. Nope, when it comes to morning snacks drenched in skim, I'm only here for CRANCH.

[A report released in 2009 by the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale gave Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries the worst nutritional score of any cereal marketed to children and families.]

At the risk of one day ending up on Kirstie Allie's Big Life, Cap'n Crunch's CRANCH berries are my number one. Let's be real here, Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale, when your mascot has a dope stache, no one can resist. What do they teach you in them ivy leagues anyway?Look at that ADORABLE stache. Perfectly symmetrical and ultra-voluminous...who doesn't "got milk" for this guy?? This gleaming white flavor-saver entices kids without coming off as a pedofile, and charms mothers into buying cereal that "causes" obesity. This stache truly has it all. So next time you're hangry for breakfast, grab the cranch, feel the stache.

Stachatize me, Cap'n!
<3Hollywood