Monday, February 1, 2010

Stache-atory Rape

[Editors Note: Brace yourself for our guest blogger Dr. Stache Miser. He genuinely has respect for nothing and will become violent if provoked. I would alert the authorities (i.e. the fine men of Reno) but I would also fear for the safety of their God-given gifts known as moustaches. So we will let the Liger run free, waxing off bad staches from fugly faces via POWER-STACHE and little asian women he keeps in his Pokédex]

It is pretty obvious we are all about the stache around here, but don't be fooled. Only the best of the best make it past our gates. Some flavor savors just don't make the cut.

Take Orlando Bloom here as an example. Are you even old enough to grow facial hair, Orlando? Who are you trying to fool? Pull that fake shit off, pussy. We all know it is glued on.

Another mustache we don't want anything to do with is Brad Pitt's inglorious bastardization of this fabulous facial hair. Look at how it evokes no power whatsoever. It is small and timid. How is this flaccid stache ever going to please anybody? I will tell you right now, it's not.

Listen, Brad, just because you snagged Angelina Jolie doesn't mean you can go around looking like this without anyone noticing.

Another huge blemish on the face of ultimate-stachery is the infamous pedo-stache:

"Hey little boy, I got candy and puppies."

This monstrosity doesn't say "masculine" so much as it is a warning sign to all. If you see anyone with a stache like this, call the proper authorities immediately.

Finally, let us end this post with the ANTI-STACHE. Yes, that's right, the soul patch. This crime is usually committed by the freshly-graduated population. It is a last stand against "the man" these disillusioned yuppies have in their arsenal. They display it around the office as if to say, "Yes, I have a job and I am still young and hip." Unfortunately, it only makes them look like a douche bag. In order to stand up to "the man," you've got to be A MAN first.

In conclusion, be wary fellow stache affectionados. Don't look like these people.

-Dr. Stache Miser

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