Don't Underestimate Weather Appropriate Dress

So lately its been cold as fuck.  And my heat in my apartment is going shit house crazy - there is never any relief!  Which brings up a good point - if one is dressed appropriately, cold weather isn't so cold!

And that is nawt something that Doug Drabek needs to learn! Man has got it covered. From the socks (presumably white in color, although blak looks so gud!) to the pin stripes (fact: patterned prints keeps you warmer than solid colors. Those hippies must have been toasty!) to the jacket and the fuzzy hat.  And we cant forget the lip warmer! Seriously, I could use one of those. 

Moustaches: an evolved thermo-regulator.  

-bruiser

Not on my Christmas List

[Looking for something Classy? Try this]

There appears to be a moustache sensation shaving the nation. And we don't have to take the bad with the good. No one wants that. Point out crap for what it is: crap. 

So the items below are the things that I will NAWT be asking for this Christmas.

Seriously what is this crap? I blame it on the hipsters. Take it from the top!

1. Mustached Chef Oven Mit - this was actually a postcard from the olden days, so thank gawd its not in production anymore. Oven mits are fugly to begin with, don't make it worse.

2. Set of 4 Mustache Placemats - I get the whole etsy thing - you don't have any real life skills so you make handy crafts and try to support yourself. But....just stop it. That thing is so hein it makes me want to vom. Not only is that the worst mustache I have ever seen, but you can't actually use spandex fabric for a placemat. Sheen is always inappropriate for the table.

3. Urban Outfitter's Carstache - Two things: first, it just looks stupid and you deserved to be mocked for driving and paying $40 for that POS. Secondly, its gross. Can you just imagine all of the dirt and bugs and rain and mold that will be on it after driving around with it for a few days? There's a reason only interiors use cloth. Get the net.

4. My Mustached Friend the Bear Hand Towel - Again with the handmade crafts. Stop it. Hand towels are meant to dry my hands, not to entertain. If I wanted to achieve both, I would get a dyson airblade. That shits awesome.

5. Fake Beards - It just draws attention to the fact that you don't have a beard, like toupees. 

6. Mustache Hair Pin - Because most girls can't grow a mustache, they think its okay to wear it in any form possible. Wearing a mustache in your hair is not okay and looks kindof dangerous. 

7. Mustache Shot Glasses - Not classy. Rather trashy. No longer available from UO, and for good reason.

8. Beardhead - The fastest way to make you look the tool that you are. What about Snuggies? They take longer to ship.

9. Mustache on a Stick - For girls appurantly. FYI, you look stupid.

10. Fingerstache - See also moustache bandages. I have better things to do than decorate my skin with plastic mustaches, thanks. 

11. Mustache Snowglobe - Really not Christmas-y at all. #xmasrelevancyfail

12. Mustache Pillow Covers - Have you ever had a shitty pillow cover? Your face needs a pillowcase that is more into you than it is into itself.

13. Mustache Keychain - Looks like a dumbass dog toy. You better drive a POS if you have that keychain.

14. Mustache Love Ring - Again, mustaches are not meant for jewelry. Shits not manly enough.

15. Mustached Fruit Badges - Fruit neither have faces nor wear mustaches. Don't force it upon them. They clearly are more into beards!

16. Famous Mustaches Mug - As much as I love being educated&shit as I drink from my cups, it doesn't teach me anything I don't already know and is for the amateur moustachist.

17. Flair Hair - Oh boy. So baldies want to wear something that looks like your daughters teddy bear on your head and pretend that you aren't bald? When we can see your natural hair on your sideburns and face? Grow a pair.

18. Chris Mascarenas Shirt - The design is awesome but the shirt is hein and kindof scary.

No thanks.

-bruiser

'Tis the Season: Awkward Xmas Cards

What a cute christmas card! Not!
You're all probably begging me to stop the awkwardness! But no! Nevah!

So here's Bruiser's story behind this one:

-Hey honey. We got another christmas card from the Wrights. Looks like Bill still hasn't gotten over his fear of cameras.
-Don't mock the poor man... He was raised by Koalas you know... they die if you take a picture of them...
-Are you serious?
-As serious as a Koala that's just had its picture taken - Dead serious.

Happy Hanukah!
-bruiser

Brian Wilson's Masshole Beard

My Bro-in-law sent me this video. And is this guy hilarious - he's like a living, breathing and athletic Bruiser.

Jim Rome sounds like a tool. He tried to keep up with Wilson's beard but couldn't. Goatees are usually inept at keeping up with full beards or lavish mustaches - don't try it at home.

Wilson's beard inspirations are the Dos Equis Guy and Chuck Norris. And if you happen to hate this guy, but can't put your finger on it, I can tell you why - he's a Masshole.  I am surrounded by natives of MA frequently, and although none of my peers have been Massholes, which I hear are the worst kind of Massholes, I'd go out on a limb and say some of the staff are Massholes.  And I am currently reeling in pain, trying to deal with the Massholiness that has come into my life. I'm having a good time...Not.

Brian Wilson:  Maybe he's not born with it, maybe its Just for Men.




-bruiser

My Classy Christmas List

The holiday season is here! A lot of you probably don't know what to get ol' Bruiser here, but no worries! [Look no further than this list to find out what Bruiser does NOT WANT.] I picked out the classiest 'stache gifts of the season:



1. Moustached Cufflinks - Nothing says class act like cufflinks or moustaches, so its only natural that they go so well together. Like peanut butter and jelly.

2. "Ain't ya got a little class to go with that mustache?" Poster - The coolest poster of all time. Hands and staches down.

3. Yosemite Sam Key Ring - It's made of repurposed suede (classy) and thats green, which makes it even more classy.

4. Moustached Glass - The classiest thing to come out of UO ever.

5. Moustached pacifier - I neither have a child nor intend on receiving this item, but if you are a parent struggling with your baby's ugliness or unsuaveness, this may be the answer.

6. Moustached Octopus - There are about 0 animals cooler than the octopus, its so fucking smart it blows my mind. And when they wear moustaches, I reconsider my career path.

7. Moustached Moose Shirt - Mooses are cool shit. I never want to encounter one, but they are about as epic as North America gets. I am inspired to buy a Moose head and attach a moustache to it. Or call the manager of Bugaboo Creek.


Easily the classiest Christmas eva
-bruiser