Bo Who?

So I had no idea who this dude was before he made headlines for his haircut on People.

His beard is average at best. I'm torn and can't decide how I feel about him. I mean I'm sure he SUCKS since he was on American Idol. That's really just a show for singers who are sub-par by today's standards, which means they sound worse than Miley Cyrus. yikes.

But I mean that I'm torn about his hair. Like I LOB grunge and nearly anything that came out of the 90s besides Seinfeld, and he totally has the grunge look down:

Well, all but that shirt. Cause we know thats not from any decade. But the thing about the grunge look is, he doesn't rock it. Were Kurt Cobain walking around today looking like he did in 1990, no one would question him because he owns that shit. Bo Bice? Just a pissed-on tween who missed the golden days of grunge. And you know he has a crush on Chris Cornell (who doesn't? He looks GOOD) cause he definitely took this picture to his stylist. Unfortunately for him, no one in their right mind would perm that fistful of hairs he calls a mane. Here is said picture because I am oh-so kind and am genuinely concernikist about your well-being:

omg, nice goatee!

But apparently he's ditching whatever Rock he claimed to have before like a dirty ho and has gone country. Because of his midlife crisis, he no longer idolizes Chris Cornell every second of every day (blasphemy!!) but now idolizes that lame actress from that nearly as lame tv show from the 90s FRIENDS.

You see what I mean? He got the 'Rachel'! Highlights and all! wtfwtfwtf!

The verdict is in: Bo Bice officially BLOWS GOATS (I have proof.)

-bruiser

Name that Stache!

Oh sweet 6lb. 8oz. baby Jesus, its Alex Trebek's stache back from the grave of sinful shaving.

Funfact: Jeopardy and Trebek's stache are actually one entity.

Funfact: Trebek is significantly more creepy and less trustworthy sans stache.

Funfact: I remember being emotionally distraught as a child when he shaved his stache.

Funfact: The only reason why Jamal can watch Jeopardy in Finding Forrester is because of Sean Connery's beard.

Funfact: There are zero (thats so many!) reasons to watch Jeopardy with a stacheless Trebek.

What a distacheter!!!!

Oh shoot! remember February's winning stache? It's back! and completely relevant! WOW, thats so rare!

Learning the following two facts made me have a spazz attack this morning:

1. Carlton has a name (its Alfonso Ribeiro)

2. Alfonso Ribeiro (and his famous crustache) host a game show, on my favorite game show channel, the Game Show Network!

Now I have no clue what this game is actually about, cards, trivia, or whatever since I don't have a tv (gasp). But believe me when I say it would be new favorite show considering Carlton's hosting a game show. And thats exactly what it is, and I can only fathom it being nearly as entertaining the Fresh Prince reruns.

What is actually more entertaining than reruns of Fresh Prince is the love of my life, Chuck Woolery!!!

Again, why don't I have a tv? I can't exactly explain why, but I am completely and utterly obsessed with Chuck Woolery and his lovely late-night game show, Lingo. Maybe its his charm, his good looks, his winning smile, his crude jokes about balls, or his super hosting skillz that counter the fact that the contestants on Lingo are the most boring and unanimated people alive. I often debate [with myself of course] whether its a game about spelling under the illusion of pressure, or if its a reality tv show about people born without personalities. Fortunately, Chuck has enough personality to go around.

The man says he'll be back in 2-and-2 and no one doubts him. And he achieves this feat [I would have added amazing there, but I've begun to question my judgement skillz] sans stache. Now we all know that I am a fan of blanketed-overstatements and we also all know that wearing a stache makes one significantly more trustworthy [unless its a pedostache], but this man doesn't need a stache to gain my trust.

We salute you Chuck! Scha-wing.

-bruiser

Stachatize me, Cap'n!

As I've already proclaimed, size MATTERS...but not as much as strength does. I'll tell you what Hollywood is NOT here for: limp and/or soggy...cereal, of course. Nope, when it comes to morning snacks drenched in skim, I'm only here for CRANCH.

[A report released in 2009 by the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale gave Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries the worst nutritional score of any cereal marketed to children and families.]

At the risk of one day ending up on Kirstie Allie's Big Life, Cap'n Crunch's CRANCH berries are my number one. Let's be real here, Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale, when your mascot has a dope stache, no one can resist. What do they teach you in them ivy leagues anyway?Look at that ADORABLE stache. Perfectly symmetrical and ultra-voluminous...who doesn't "got milk" for this guy?? This gleaming white flavor-saver entices kids without coming off as a pedofile, and charms mothers into buying cereal that "causes" obesity. This stache truly has it all. So next time you're hangry for breakfast, grab the cranch, feel the stache.

Stachatize me, Cap'n!
<3Hollywood

Its February! aka Black People Month!

Okay, so the title isn't exactly 'PC' but being PC is overrated, and not exactly...um...anything on this site is 'PC', so deal with it. bitches.

i.love.february.

And you know who didn't go to jail because its black month and shits not kosher? Lil Wayne.

And you know who I have a wall dedicated to? Lil Wayne.

And you know who doesn't have a nice crustache but does have nice dreads and pjs (oh hey burberry!)? Lil Wayne.

And you know who does have a nice crustache?

My homeboy Michael Jordan. He was definitely my 1st crush. Heck yes I was about staches when I was 7.

I was born with aspirations people.

This might be the best picture of all time. What's so perfect about it? The man clearly was born to sell Coca-Cola. And play basketball. Which one does he do better? Well I'm refilling my cup of Coca-Cola Classic right now, so theres that.

The shirt. It looks like one of those vacation shirts that change in the sunlight, and who doesn't look fashionable in those? Well I can't speak for you, but me and MJ (not to be confused with Michael Jackson) certainly do. And even though those Nike shorts look like they could out-constrict an anaconda, he seems comfortable in his sports attire, so hats off to him.

And whats actually the best thing about this photo is how very much it reminds me of Garth in Reebok:

"It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad."

Just a quick shout-out to Garth for completing my life, ereday.

Before I start professing my love to all things of the Garth-persuasion, lets get back to Black month.

Here is a not-so-nice crustache, but its okay cause Jagged-Edge, 'Where The Party At?' is my jam. Puhleze, its everyones jam. Spread some Skippy on it and the party is wherever you are, my friend.

This picture is the dopest thing to come out of Philadelphia since TastyKakes. And possibly the epitome of the 'crustache'.

But, oh wait guys. There is a winner today, and this winner has moves so smooth you'd think he'd have shaved. Not a chance in hell.

Carlton Banks. Carlton Banks

I would never leave you guys without this moment of glory:

-bruiser

An Ode to a Mexican Pimp

aka Anthony Quinn (1915-2001)

So a little Wikipedia digging, and I came up with 15 reasons why everyone should love AQuinn and why hes the biggest pimp of all time. OFALLTIME.

1. He has this nice stache in Lawrence of Arabia:

2. He was born in Chihuahua, Chihuahua, Mexico

2.5 [I would say he has a nice tan, but since hes mexican it doesnt count]

3. He looks scottish (maybes its the tweed hat/beard combo? see picture above)

4. His mother was of Aztec ancestry and his father of Irish-Mexican ancestry

5. He used to box professionally

6. He played Zeus on tv (I mean, hell-er)

7. Just dropped by Gotti's criminal trial, probs to chat. Old wiki says:

he wanted to portray Castellano, who inspired the actor because he had had a "thirty-year-old" mistress, which Quinn believed was "a beautiful thing."

...And there that is. Now on to the bigpimpin

8. Had 5 children with 1st wife (1937-1965)

9. Had 3 children with 2nd wife (1966-1997) [thats 8 kids]

10. Had two other kids at sometime in the 70s [I don't blame him, it was the 70s]

11. Divorced 2nd wife cause he had a lovechild with his secretary at 78 years old

12. Had another child at 81 years old [thats a total of 12 kids people!]

13. Proceeded to marry said slutty secretary in 1997

14. Thats a grand total of 57 years difference between the oldest and youngest child. YOWZA!!

Finally,

15. Look at him in his pinstripe suit, smoking his pipe and being prepared with that gun behind his newspaper (that means hes educated&shit). And dont forget the stache. Dont ever forget the stache. It has POWER-STACHE written all over it!

-bruiser