Manly Sperm Wanted

When I saw this picture I realized that I have nothing to live for.

Blue Oyster Cult, as seen above, was living, breathing 70s.  What human that has reached puberty does not want to grab a fist full of that chest hair?  I would have made the worst groupie and likely have been kicked out by not hiding my preference for those heads of hair over the sub-par looking gentlemen beneath them.

The 70s are dead, and as hard as I might try, they are never coming back.
sademoticon.com

But the one good thing about this day and age is that I can both oggle men with chest hair that I *probably* wouldn't oggle today.  Although if they slapped on some leather pants and still groomed their moustache and/or amish-looking full beards and used conditioner, I probably positively would.

If a man is smart enough to maintain a mane, facial hair, chest hair, wear cool shades effortlessly while squeezing his balls into leather jeans that are at least one size too small, he is smart enough to breed with.  Musical skillz are optional, but desired.  Yes that is my checklist and no I am not kidding.

I am going to start a sperm bank that is by invitation only for manly and musical men.
-bruiser

Morrison: Sexy, Even in Death

I have been on such the Doors kick this week - thank god for youtube playlists!

Jim Morrison may have had the best voice in rock n' roll history - I haven't officially decided this yet, but he is definitely better than Robert Plant.  And the Doors were better than Zeppelin because they actually were about creating music and were completely original - now I love Zeppelin, but they were just trying to sell records and probably stole the largest number of songs in the history of forever. Bitches got away with violating that much intellectual property? I guess if it were me, I'd forgive Robert Plant too. But I don't forgive him for being old.

Jim was such an icon too - his style is enviable and so is his hair.  Although he has a really pretty face, I don't think he has any real sex appeal without his hair. Google it for yourself to see what I'm talking about - the hair made the man.  And it helps that he had the most perfect head of curls in the world (again, better than Robert Plant) - call them Adonis curls. Sexy as hell. Charlie Sheen can't beat that [whada douchebag].

And as I was taking google images to pound-town, I realized that James Roday is the reincarnation of Jim Morrison.  The similarity is insanely creepy.  It explains James's sexiness, and if he really was reincarnated, it explains why they both have bad attitudes.

And then there is Jim in a beard - such a fucking Stud. I personally think it's his best look, and because I believe in expressing your feelings via facial hair - his is screaming 'I don't give a fuck'.

And I often see many a man sporting a beard with short hair, which looks better than no beard, but I truly think many will find girls throwing themselves at them if they grew out their hair. Just an observation.

Too bad James Roday can't sing (as far as I'm aware)
-bruiser                                                                              source and source

Non-Awkward Artist

I had to save this photo from the cruelty of Awkward Family Photos commenters.  The question people need to ask about this photo is not, who is this man and what is he doing? but why are these girls so awkward? And why do they have stickers on their faces?  They must have been poorly behaved, hence the 'bitter' label.  I believe who ever doled out these stickers was showing favoritism - or is really trying to mindfuck with these kids by destroying their self-esteems and falsely boosting the self-esteem of the other.


It has already been decided by many that I am going to be in the running for bitchiest mom 2026, and this seems like the perfect way to punish my future offspring - both cruelly and unusually.

Now I know you are all dying to know about the man in the faux-foliage loin cloth.  What else is there possibly to know?  He appears to be some kind of performance artist - good for him for earning some cash by exposing impressionable kids to art instead of giving them meth in exchange for their allowance.
He may also be saving money by neither cutting his hair nor getting fake tans.
If I had that sexy bod, I'd walk around in some fruit-of-the-loom too.  Dude's got the flat belly that my free pilates instructor on youtube keeps telling me I can get, in just 2-3 weeks but I still am not seeing results.  Daniel Tosh can take a few tips from this guy, because I think he's still using the same instructor I am.

And his hair is still the best out of all four of them because he is the only one with curls.  I can't award him with best beard because none of the girls are of age yet to grow one, but he technically wins by default.

When I need some cash or to find my nirvanna, look for me - I'll be the chick wearing a knitted bikini, offering lessons for money.

-bruiser

Nice Model Hair

We all know by now that models, at least successful ones, do not have any freedom of expression and everything about the way they look is a part of their paycheck.  And usually, for men, that means short crew cuts.  Because short hair sells jeans. It's true!

Well ladies and gents, I came across a fashion photographer who likes to embrace the edgy and weird, the non-Ashton Kutchers of the model world. And do they have Nice Hair!

From the photographer Greg Kadel, I present Perfekt Curls and Wild Man!

Perfekt Curls is incredibly overtouched and overdone (hello designer bowtie!), and they did a great job because it makes a great photo. He just oozes classiness.  If you feel envious of his Apollo-like curls, remember that he looks like a greasy college frat kid with a mad case of bed-head when he's not on set.

Wild Man is the visual representation of every girl's bad-boy fantasy. The long hair and severe jaw line say it all. He looks like he could tackle a wolf, once he takes off his cashmere cable-knit, that is. The skunk pelt? Sexy as hell.
The funny thing is that whoever dressed him knows how to get a feeling across.  The details are laughable though.  Fake war medals? Crushed velvet? I think he might be the one who needs rescuing. He really should have a switch-blade in hand. It would counteract the girly wardrobe and scream Icelandic survivor man.

I hope anyone going out in the blizzard today has an Icelandic survivor man on call.
-bruiser

The Voice of Gold Has a Moustache

Ted Williams is amazing.  In case you don't know what angels sound like, watch this.  And People.com is getting on his case and digging up dirt on him. In case you didn't watch the video in its entirety, he mentions drug and alcohol in his past.  So it's nothing new.  And People.com - you suck. The only benefit of that stupid story was that I got to see his amazing moustache and jerry curl combo:

Ted Williams excels and voice acting, and when it comes to moustaches, it is no different. There is no sight of a crustache anywhere to be found.  Seriously, 2011 is going to be a great year.

Ted Williams is the Sam Elliott of black homeless men. Or radio DJs. Fact.

-bruiser

Awkward Phillies Player #3: Jayson Werth

So the Phillies are among the final four teams right now. And that's cool. I mean, they kindof deserve it with the best record in the league and all. Even though they did fuck up real bad for like 2.5 straight months, they appurantly rocked the rest of the season. So we will continue with the awkward players series.

Everyone loves themselves some Jayson Werth Beardage. And Hairage...Said the liar.

This picture is actually a really nice one of Werth. Like I'd probably frame that shit if I were his mom. And hang it right next to his first little-league team photo.

But I have to warn you - although the weirdo photographer who took these team photos seemed to really be able to capture the worst side of everyone's face, he accidently did a good jorb here. 

This, unfortunately, is something Werth realized. Not to be outdone by any of his fellow teammates, Werth brought the awkardness upon himself. View the awkwardness:

Seriously Werth? I know that holding the sign is obligatory or something, in case they forget who you are, but did you really have to hold the sign up to your chin? Are you trying to measure the growth of your beard? Cause I'm pretty sure it's growing just fine on its own. Just a guess.

With that being said - Werth probably has the best beard in baseball. Truthfully, they are a rare sight to see on bat-wielding men, but of the few, Werth's definitely stands out. Here it's probably due to the billy-goat-tip he is trying to develop, but in general, it's due to the visionary trip people experience while he runs the bases. Like on the scale of Bo Derek.

And although he is having a similar religious experience to Halladay and Madson, I like this shot because you can see his curls unlike in the last two shots. And curly hair is pretty lovely, like I'm obsessed with it due to the natural lack of disulfide bonds in my own locks, but the grass is always greener, right?

I've also been told that he's my boyfriend Ville Leino's doppelganger. I can kind of see the similarity, and he probably is the best doppelganger out there, but I don't think they're that similar. What do you think?


-bruiser