Overpriced, Sexy-Casual

Some people scour magazines or lady-sites like theBerry looking for hot dudes. I always go right for the Sartorialist when I'm in need of a hot dude (or 2).

The title of this post was 'If You're Thinking About...The Perfect Summer Outfit for a Man'. Sartorialist, you should thank me for editing this for you. NEEDED to be done.

Where to start? The guy on the left is a little too hot, if thats possible. He totally looks like he belongs in one of those Chase credit card commercials, or, here's an idea, a real movie? Standing there so casually with his shades, in his fashionably large pants, cigarette in hand, while carrying a very expensive bag. Oh Sartorialist, where do you find these people? And how do you find so many? 

The first thing I noticed was the hair (obvi). Those are very beautiful heads of hair. And the perfect, manicured scruff! The tattoos were probably the easiest part of constructing their respective images - you only have to get them once. If it were me, I'd get at least twice as many. But that's just personal opinion. I like tattoos. 

I get the feeling that it costs a lot to be that causally sexy. Probably more than I make in a year, and while I weep here over economics, I can at least look back at these handsomely constructed figures to make myself feel better.

I'm not sure if I want to be them or be on them. (Sorry I'm not sorry).

-bruiser

She has funny dreams

Life can be stressful sometimes. And sometimes people are on drugs. Either of these people will have fucked up dreams, and if you fall in the the middle of the venn-diagram, you are screwed my friend.

Recently I had one such dream.

Scene: Leaving a billionaire's house party.
Situation: Everyone gets a monetary party-gift (sounds awesome, right?)
What happened to me: I grab a gift card. For $200,000. Even better, right? Wrong.

It was to KFC. $200,000 gift card to fucking KFC.

Now I don't eat at KFC, although this isn't the problem. I would totally eat at KFC for free for the rest of my life (51 years, give or take, of an 8 piece bucket combo for the rest of my life). But why the fuck would I do that? I want the money, not free chicken (even though fried chicken is the best chicken #fact).

I debated my options. I could be a philanthropist and donate it to a food shelter. Or I could be a dick and sell it to a church (read: Baptist) at a discounted rate, which is slightly generous. Or I could be even more of a dick and buy a store. Or 3.

Or I could sell it to Dave Grohl. He loves that shit.

I don't think I've ever been more intrigued by a hypothetical situation, ever.
Here's to fucked up shit.
-bruiser

PS - the drug dream was in reference to the time I was on malaria pills. woah.

Talking about chest hair, talking about crazy cool medallions

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We've got a great post for you tonight. This is my blog. This is a no-nonsense blog. Let's get down to business.

If you didn't get the reference, check out SNL's Barry Gibb Talk show, its hilarious:

Good Aussie gods of golden lamé, I love the Bee Gees. What isn't there to love about them?

Disco was by far the most epic (and fabulous!) era of pop-culture and these guys were on top. Which means that they are still #winning.

Pop quiz: the Bee Gees are not sexy gods of disco because A) their long, lustrous manes, B) their beards, C) their abundance of chest hair, D) their tight pants, E) their falsettos, G) their crazy, cool medallions, F) their australian accents, G) again, their tight pants.

So in summary, SUPER sexy (plus for brothers they don't all look identical so theres a little something for everyone, amiright? Or in my case, 3 for me! Kidding! but not really.)

I'm pretty sure if I was walking down the street in the 70s and I saw a guy (seriously any guy) wearing a shiny track suit with his tits out (not literally, I mean his chest hair) and pants that tight, I'd think 'he's got balls; I KNOW he has balls because I can literally SEE them'.

...And then I'd probably take him home cause apparently I'm a hypothetical whore, since this is a hypothetical situation. [Obviously this would be pre-AIDS epidemic, but at least its not the SIV, amiright? No?]


 I have no discretion. Sorry I'm not sorry.
-bruiser

Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Reality TV

Until recently, I've never been crazy about TV. Through college I didn't own one, so I only watched what I could on hulu. But now I get free cable (thanks overpriced rental agreement) and I can't get enough and its melting my fucking brain.

Can you guess what my newest obsession is? Of course you can and of course its Duck Dynasty.

Their beards are everything I've ever dreamt of. Who knew that I needed to travel to bumblefuck Louisiana to find them?

This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of reality TV. I've seen Pawn Stars, I've seen those damn fishing shows. I didn't get it. I didn't give a crap about those people or what they were doing for a living but holy god do I give so many fucks about the Duck Dynasty family. It has everything a girl could want: long haired men, beards, guns, and fucking ducks.

So fucking majestic.

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you I was a huge fan of the 'I'm slightly famous and want to be more famous so look at my stupid fake life' reality TV. I was really into Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I just loved the strippers (I mean, who doesn't love the strippers?). I also was really into Keeping up with the Kardashians but not because I like Kim (she has a fat ass but she's disgusting), but because I love Scott Disick.

What isn't there to love about Lord Disick? He is the realest thing on the show (and yes, he got Kourtney pregnant and is now making loads of money off of it) but he doesn't take the Kardashians seriously and sees them for the joke that they are. But he has so much $wag its not even funny.

I think he represents the other half of my personality - the half that is always battling my Duck Dynasty half. Hence, I end up being a semi-shaven, occasionally showered, but all kinds of sexy woman #fact. And no that's not a joke, I actually have that much self-confidence. 

The other great thing about Scott is that he can (sometimes) grow decent facial hair. It really looks good on him (sexxxy scruff!), but I am 100% sure he is too much of a pussy bitch to grow a real beard. So I will continue to watch Duck Dynasty (and Vikings looks awesome - something to dull the pain while Game of Thrones is on hiatus, am I right?). I'm pretty sure that's all I need in life (pathetic I know).

I'm back bitches!

-bruiser

Permilicious Deliciousness!

One of the many inspirations for Austin Powers, Peter Wyngarde is my favorite drag queen impersonator.  Thats some high quality hair right thurr - ladies would, theoretically, kill for it. I don't mean today because that hair style is so heinous, but its still Nice Hair.



With a little mascara and lip stack, Peter is a regular Tootsie with a moustache.  And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dig it. I'm pretty sure Tootsie wore the same exact outfit, sans tie that is made of the same fabric as his shirt.  What a fashion faux pas!  Maybe he is really a fashion genious, and we still haven't caught up.  After all, he was French (ouhlahlah!)

The quality of the gap between the arms of a moustache is highly underrated.  Much like gaps between teeth (which Peter appears to have - can you say combo?!? This kind of combo makes me crave a Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp. Ranch cures all wounds) only the most fashion forward individuals possess it.

Pete's moustache is really the image of class. And it's sooo European! and with the hair? DOUBLE COMBO - add a dutch apple pie to that order, cause its both refreshing and causes emotional eating, aka calories! And he is a sun-worshipper. That means tan lines ladies! I just added another slice of pie to that order - just wanted to let everyone know I party.

Peter aka Tootsie aka Al (you aren't supposed to understand, so don't get concernikist) aka sexually-confused-Uncle-Rico is the hair, moustache, orthodontia, tanning bed, and linen tie model of my wet dreams. So permilicious I don't even believe it's real. I'm gonna guess it's made from marzipan?

Sorry if this post threw you off your diet. When you party with me you party. hard.
-bruiser

The Value of Beard-Care

Enjoy my would-be fan mail to John Paul Dejoria:

Dear sir,
Your beard is IDEAL at worst - so choice!  I applaud you for demonstrating to men (and women) everywhere that good haircare is necessary.

And I see here that you are advertising for Patrón - so classy!  Although I am sortof obsessed (especially because it has a bee for its emblem - I mean who does that? Move over Lacoste) I am sure that you wash your dishes with Patrón, being a middle-class tequi.  By that I mean if I had a bajillion dollars like you, I would.

If at all possible, I'd like to date one of your sons. Good hair genes are hard to find, and great hair genes - forget it! I am very happy for you that you are no longer homeless (what a fucking backhanded complement, no?), but if you were living on my street, I'd give you my change, even though I use generic brand hair care and drink José (makes me vom just saying it).

Here's wishing you 67 more years of studly beards (and grown men making duck faces)!

-bruiser

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The Invisible Stache

I am about to address an issue that has been largely under the radar of facial hair connoisseurs for a long time - the invisible stache.

The invisible stache is usually a man with strawberry blond or simply blond hair who grows a moustache or other facial hair that very closely matches their skin color. Exhibit A:

When you see a man with an invisible stache, you must do a double take to be sure he actually has a stache instead of a double take to admire such facial hair.  I'm going to be blunt here and say its pretty pathetic.

You all know by now that I believe that everyone should grow facial hair that is hormonally competent, so I am not suggesting that they shave these abominations.  There are solutions.

The simplest and most effective solution is to grow a real moustache rather than continue to pretend your stubble is authentic or even manly, cause its not.

Although a below average stache, the 'is it or isn't it?' question is no longer applicable. An easy win-win for the facial hair world I think.

The other solution would be to dye one's stubble (a la Brian Wilson) which is exhausting, not to mention distracting and not classy.

So all you lightweight gingers out there, do us a favor and grow out your damn moustache (or beard!) and don't keep us poor folk guessing.  Figure it out cause this shit ain't kosher.

[This doesn't count either.]

-bruiser

source source source and source

The Hollywood Moustache

Most of Hollywood's sexiest men have sported a stache at one point or another in their careers.  But more interesting than that, they have all sported the same moustache - all of them. Check it:

John Gilbert

Errol Flynn

 The ever-sexy Cary Grant

 Clark Gable

Douglas Fairbanks 

John Barrymore 

 Robert Taylor

Vincent Price 

William Powell

There's a reason the Hollywood moustache caught on like a case of the herp'.  It exudes intelligence, control, wealth, and class.  You can't tell me that (nearly) any man with freshly pomade hair, a skinny tie, a tweed suit with pressed lapels, a fedora and a hollywood moustache shaved with a straight razor isn't gonna make your panties drop.

Which genius will bring it back in style first?

-bruiser

The Royal Wedding Moustache

Everyone and their mother (especially their mother) watched the royal wedding today.  And although dull as weddings go (I find all weddings to be dull; I'm positive that both bride and groom also feel this way because if you watched them, you'd think they were serving detention at how inattentive they are during the ceremony). We all know that the best part is the reception because its post-pictures and the food (and drinks!) are delicious.

During the pre-ceremony, I spied a delightful man who I believe was a member of the royal family as he was wearing some military attire.  Although I did not get a picture then, I did find one of him from afar (and I will be adding the closeup once the broadcast reloops).

What you see here my friends is a sixth of the best moustache within all of Westminster Abbey today, guaranteed. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

I also didn't register this toothbrush stache the first time - what a find!

And I didn't realize people still wore those - I guess the 'too soon' period is now over for WWII.

And this was the stache I expected to be on every man's face in attendance over 60.  England, why you no like moustaches?

At first I hated the halloween parade all of the invitees thought they were invited to, but now I'm diggin' it.  It was pretty awesome to see every woman looking like a complete dump, and all of the men looking dapper with their tie pins and 6 shades of complementary colors.  And by every woman, I mean all of them except the Middleton family - mother and daughters looked amazing. So much class...and no one told me her mother was Angelica Huston. She's uhmazing!  And she had the sexiest suit/dress/ensemble.

Mrs. Middleton-382, Everyone else-0.
-bruiser

Daniel Tosh Needs His Beard

Whilst checking out sexy astronauts, I came across this gentleman - Karol Bobko.  I immediately thought he looked an awful lot like Daniel Tosh.  And then I thought he looked a lot like Chris Pronger too.  I decided he looks like he could be Chris Pronger's dad, but with all of the creepiness factor of Tosh (its a good thing for Tosh, I'm not sure about Karol here though).

The similarity is uncanny.

Tosh is Power-Stache kind of funny - ever racist and painfully truthful.  He tells it like it is and doesn't apologize - for a metrosexual, he's rather manly.  And normally clean-shaven, I think he ought to keep the beard, although it doesn't work well with his 'am-I-gay-or-arent-I?' aura that he bank$ on.

Back to Karol, it looks like something Tosh would do on his show.  Why shouldn't a man of so many hats also wear a space helmet?  Ladies would be begging for his questionably kosher meat (yes I did just use kosher as a euphemism for straight. I don't know why anyone hasn't done so before).

And if you aren't familiar with the family-friendly program, he changes his attire on a regular basis - hoodies, button downs, deep-Vs, and collared shirts.  He is running out of types of shirts offered at american apparel, and recycling one's wardrobe isn't classy.  Before he starts accessorizing and sporting berets, I propose he wear a beard.  Were I an MD I'd prescribe it to every joe-schmoe that walked down the street, and Tosh here is no exception.  A beard would be his Side-Show Bob, his Robin, and carry his lame jokes written by movie writer dropout interns.

Cross your fingers and hope for everyones sake Tosh wears both a beard and a space helmet for the summer. Or double-breasted vests.
-bruiser

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Boston Marathon

Marathon monday was such the shitshow.  Seriously, its Mardi Gras for Boston.  Bitches be so drunk they would have shown their boobs to anyone who asked.

But the marathon itself was great.  Although strongly lacking in the facial hair department - I'd sometimes wait 15 minutes before seeing another.  Unfortunately I missed a few individuals who I remember as absolute PERFEKTION because of the drunk asshole in front of me who decided it was cool to lean 8 feet over the railing.  Click on the album link to see all of the photos and leave a comment.

Boston Marathon

Not only is this picture great because she's totally vibing La Toya Jackson, but check out the best beard of the marathon behind her.

So this guy appears to be royally creeped out by me taking his picture. Calm yourself son, I'm just admiring your beard.

I hope I age as well as Mike here.  And I just noticed his kerchief - noicce!  Totally goes perfectly with his pants, which I have in black and white! Brother from another mother I'm sure.

Solo cups and a super moustache.

I think Movember should hold a run that way everyone must have a real or fake moustache.  That would hold my attention.

-bruiser

Why I Actually Love Brett Kiesel's Beard

Remember Brett Kiesel's beard and its epic awesomeness?  Pretend not to be surprised when I tell you that I don't love it for what it actually is - I'm not loving the beard for the beard's sake.

Take a good long look at this photo.

Want know what it reminds me of? (Read: what it should remind you of?)

My man Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Brett Kiesel is clearly a huge fan and using the man as a style inspiration.  Solid move, I do the same thing too.  Ian Anderson is a musical genius, which totally reads via his choice of garb.

Heavy Horses also happens to be my favorite Tull album - Kiesel is closer and closer to becoming my biffffle everyday!


This particular snapshot is quite tame for Anderson, who spent the first 10 years of his career in disco boots and wild, unkempt hair - an accessory to his crazy eyes:

Credit: Charlie Auringer

Not only does this man know how to write songs about absurd things while using proper grammar (something I haven't been able to achieve, klarly) because he's so educated&shit, he does it while rocking one of the largest beards known to rock n' roll (2nd to ZZ Top).  Febreeze fresh I dare say. His insane mane is glorious.  And to top it all off, he sports a flute.




He's a dreamboat.  I'm going to go out on a very secure and short limb here, and say that Ian Anderson is the source of hipsterism today.  And that actually makes hipsters a little bit more okay.  It makes complete sense that all the hipsters would be trying to get in on this action.

Credit: Rick Kahlmeyer

Here's one from Warchild/Minstrel era - hence the codpiece.  This man is the source of my envy of curls, considering I don't have a single sulfide-bond to call my own [sademoticon.com]. Note the sideburns, which are IDEAL.

And he is still the manliest man around while wearing leggings. Guys, take note. And no, you are not now permitted to wear leggings.


Heres hoping that another musician may one day profit off of songs written about homeless men, kinky girls and farming instead of fireflies.

-bruiser

Classic Crustache

Richard Pryor had one of the most beloved crustaches of all time. It was meaty and definitely not creepy. The man looked far better with his moustache (I don't need to beg the question 'who doesn't?' right now do I?) than sans moustache.

The reason is hiding the upper lip worked great for him. If you look at him sans-stache, you can still see where it should be, a phantom stache perhaps?

That moustache is such an accessory - like some men wear bolo ties. Ones that can't wear moustaches I guess.

As a comedic actor, with good material mind you, he didn't necessitate the moustache for laughs or attention. Unlike whatever douche I saw on Comedy Central today - Patrick Fox? What an asshole. He needs to shave that booger off his face and stop giving moustaches a bad name. Pryor's stache is all kinds of class and zero kinds of crass. Plus his afro is all kinds of awesome. Too bad comedy will never look this good again (except maybe David Spade. He looks fine in those 7UP commercials.)

-bruiser                                                                             (via source and source)

No One Messes With My Bitch

So of all the men, beards, and moustaches, I have yet to inform you all about my affair with Whoppi Goldberg.  In short, I'm pretty much in lesbians with her.  No one comes close to Whoppi.

And the New York Times just ignored her Academy Award?  This woman earned that hunk of gold, and deserves 10 more, thankyouverymuch.  Here is the NY Times article, and as of Monday night, she was not mentioned.  The NY Times should do a full front page apology to my lady.

Listen to her be pissed on the subject.  It's what she does best.



My love for Whoopi began the first 100 times I watched Sister Act when I was 8 or 9 years old.  And I've seen it 300 more times since then, but that is extraneous information. Let us discuss Sister Act for a hot second, kay?

She starts out as a slutty lounge singer. You can't imagine that it gets better but it does.

She is a classy lady!

She has a gold lamé
jacket. And she has bangin' shades. Have you seen this hair! Shits Noicce. I now have a new Halloween costume. Check that shit off the list.

Nun of that!

She actually sang in it. For years I thought she didn't, but that ain't no church-voice honey.

Sister Mary Clarence also understands the importance of deep shoulder action. So easily overlooked!

PS - the sequel to Sister Act is called 'Back in the Habit'. Writing genius I tell you.

This is what the Roman

 Catholic Church looked like before Whoopi stepped into it [Note the moustache. A redeeming quality for the RCC].  No pretty.  That face is actually an universal reaction to the RCC.  Therefore church gives you crow's feet. Don't want that.

Did I mention what a sexy bitch she is? I don't know if its the hair, the studded bustier, or the lack of eyebrows that turns me on, but keep it coming!

She turns 'Bless you' into curse words. Floored yet?

She also has a showdown with Dame Maggie Smith, the only woman in the world who comes near her [aside from Katharine Ross of course].

My favorite scene is her

without the habit.  I don't understand the desire for weaves, cause ladies, this is it.  Your $1000 Indian hair does not look better than this carved afro.  With this hair you can throw on a habit and some hoops and go out the door. I need me a damn afro.  So church-chic!

So my obsession with Whoopi is unreal.   The memory of the dream of having lunch with Whoopi is better than any of the memories I've actually experienced. And no, this is not sad or pitiful.  It is a pity no one else has dream-dined with Whoopi before.

Good night ladies and gentlemen! You don't give a shit!

-bruiser