Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Reality TV

Until recently, I've never been crazy about TV. Through college I didn't own one, so I only watched what I could on hulu. But now I get free cable (thanks overpriced rental agreement) and I can't get enough and its melting my fucking brain.

Can you guess what my newest obsession is? Of course you can and of course its Duck Dynasty.

Their beards are everything I've ever dreamt of. Who knew that I needed to travel to bumblefuck Louisiana to find them?

This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of reality TV. I've seen Pawn Stars, I've seen those damn fishing shows. I didn't get it. I didn't give a crap about those people or what they were doing for a living but holy god do I give so many fucks about the Duck Dynasty family. It has everything a girl could want: long haired men, beards, guns, and fucking ducks.

So fucking majestic.

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you I was a huge fan of the 'I'm slightly famous and want to be more famous so look at my stupid fake life' reality TV. I was really into Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I just loved the strippers (I mean, who doesn't love the strippers?). I also was really into Keeping up with the Kardashians but not because I like Kim (she has a fat ass but she's disgusting), but because I love Scott Disick.

What isn't there to love about Lord Disick? He is the realest thing on the show (and yes, he got Kourtney pregnant and is now making loads of money off of it) but he doesn't take the Kardashians seriously and sees them for the joke that they are. But he has so much $wag its not even funny.

I think he represents the other half of my personality - the half that is always battling my Duck Dynasty half. Hence, I end up being a semi-shaven, occasionally showered, but all kinds of sexy woman #fact. And no that's not a joke, I actually have that much self-confidence. 

The other great thing about Scott is that he can (sometimes) grow decent facial hair. It really looks good on him (sexxxy scruff!), but I am 100% sure he is too much of a pussy bitch to grow a real beard. So I will continue to watch Duck Dynasty (and Vikings looks awesome - something to dull the pain while Game of Thrones is on hiatus, am I right?). I'm pretty sure that's all I need in life (pathetic I know).

I'm back bitches!

-bruiser

Art Is Greater Than (Or Equal To) Dead Bunnies

So not sure if you all noticed or not, but I'm really not into the 'lets draw moustaches on sidewalks/shape post-it notes/hang them on your wall' kind of person.  It really loses the magic of the moustache, because all you get is a shape, and you lose the 3D 4Dness of it which is so special. [2D = shape; 3D = moustache; 4D = moustache & gentleman. get it now kids?]

But here is something I can get into: art on moustaches.
Ohhhs. Ahhhs. the concept is mind-blowing!!!!







Thank god someone is thinking outside the copy-and-paste button. Instead of reprinting the same black silhouette as fast as rabbits fucking, lets put time and effort into it, approximately the same amount of time it takes to roast said rabbits to delicious perfection?

For every blind copy of a moustache I see, I swear I will kill a bunny with my car.
-bruiser

source and source

Never Before Seen...For a Reason

You can find anything on the Google Machine....including ginger reverse bang-mullets:

Unseen horrors begone!  Never before could I have imagined such a cruel punishment.  I wasn't quite sure what my greatest fear in life was, but waking up like this is at the top of the list, easy.

This guy isn't even the most heinous of ginger roots out there, so why? So many whys?!  What could possess an individual to grow the most horrifying of fringe [I am more critical of bangs than of even moustaches, I should know, I rocked them. I was fresh to death] whilst shaving the rest of their head?  And all of this while being a fire crotch? Turn in your man-card dude; you can keep your virgin card as long as you want though. I don't even think you could pay someone to take it from you, when you look like a walking case of the herp'. No one wants that.

The shadow of a mustache and chin hair look like some out-of-place bush. Facial vaginas are even worse than actual vaginas. At Sesame Place, this is what one would call a 'code Elmo' - a whole lot of bloody fur and dozens of children running away, screaming.

I hold nothing against you personally, but having seen this image, I hope you crawl in a hole and die.
-bruiser

Permilicious Deliciousness!

One of the many inspirations for Austin Powers, Peter Wyngarde is my favorite drag queen impersonator.  Thats some high quality hair right thurr - ladies would, theoretically, kill for it. I don't mean today because that hair style is so heinous, but its still Nice Hair.



With a little mascara and lip stack, Peter is a regular Tootsie with a moustache.  And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dig it. I'm pretty sure Tootsie wore the same exact outfit, sans tie that is made of the same fabric as his shirt.  What a fashion faux pas!  Maybe he is really a fashion genious, and we still haven't caught up.  After all, he was French (ouhlahlah!)

The quality of the gap between the arms of a moustache is highly underrated.  Much like gaps between teeth (which Peter appears to have - can you say combo?!? This kind of combo makes me crave a Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp. Ranch cures all wounds) only the most fashion forward individuals possess it.

Pete's moustache is really the image of class. And it's sooo European! and with the hair? DOUBLE COMBO - add a dutch apple pie to that order, cause its both refreshing and causes emotional eating, aka calories! And he is a sun-worshipper. That means tan lines ladies! I just added another slice of pie to that order - just wanted to let everyone know I party.

Peter aka Tootsie aka Al (you aren't supposed to understand, so don't get concernikist) aka sexually-confused-Uncle-Rico is the hair, moustache, orthodontia, tanning bed, and linen tie model of my wet dreams. So permilicious I don't even believe it's real. I'm gonna guess it's made from marzipan?

Sorry if this post threw you off your diet. When you party with me you party. hard.
-bruiser