Sorority girl rant on head-straps

Some things I will never understand.

Example A: what is the motivation to grow a full head-strap?

Some men still think it is acceptable to grow a chin-strap (here's a clue: it's not). And some of those fools think its okay to grow a strap all around your head so it looks like your breaching your mom's bushy vagina. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

SINNERS! you all need Jesus.

THE FUCK is wrong with you? There have been bad staches, and there have been failstaches here, but there are NONE worse than this. NONE MANY.

And its not just the tool above who thought this was a good idea: 

(side note: the fact that this douche missed the chin-strap concept is HILARIOUS. Distachter x1000)

I get it, some people miss their elementary arts classes and just need to express themselves. Believe me, I GET IT. Cornrows are a great tool to experiment with. Moustaches make excellent canvases for masculine creativity. But CONNECTING YOUR FUCKING NECK HAIR TO YOUR RECEEDING HAIRLINE IS NOT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME OR THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PLACE TO BE "CREATIVE". SHIT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING KOSHER, SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT. JACKASS.  


If you have one of these (as inspired by my favorite sorority girl Rebecca Martinson) let me ask you to punch yourself in the face right now so I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.


That's enough of the internet for today.
-bruiser

Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Never Before Seen...For a Reason

You can find anything on the Google Machine....including ginger reverse bang-mullets:

Unseen horrors begone!  Never before could I have imagined such a cruel punishment.  I wasn't quite sure what my greatest fear in life was, but waking up like this is at the top of the list, easy.

This guy isn't even the most heinous of ginger roots out there, so why? So many whys?!  What could possess an individual to grow the most horrifying of fringe [I am more critical of bangs than of even moustaches, I should know, I rocked them. I was fresh to death] whilst shaving the rest of their head?  And all of this while being a fire crotch? Turn in your man-card dude; you can keep your virgin card as long as you want though. I don't even think you could pay someone to take it from you, when you look like a walking case of the herp'. No one wants that.

The shadow of a mustache and chin hair look like some out-of-place bush. Facial vaginas are even worse than actual vaginas. At Sesame Place, this is what one would call a 'code Elmo' - a whole lot of bloody fur and dozens of children running away, screaming.

I hold nothing against you personally, but having seen this image, I hope you crawl in a hole and die.
-bruiser

When the Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes...

...We're talking beards here people, not muffstaches.

This phenomenon actually happens more than one would think, usually because the facial hair is younger than the hair on the top of one's head.


Michael Hall from Dexter is the perfect example of what I am talking about. It's a shame that he's a firecrotch (okay we might be talking about muffstaches as well...) because the upper half of his face is hot.  Unfortunately for him, the lower half is not, and there is no partial credit or participation points in the real world for hotness.




The real pity is that it affects gingers more than normal people.  If a ginger has outgrown their gingerness, life shouldn't be so cruel as to afflict them again. But maybe its nature's way of ensuring we don't become passive about the ginger problem, and that we especially don't breed with such individuals. What a fucking distachter that would be!

Although not only gingers go through this, silver foxes are also reportedly affected by the carpets not matching the drapes.  Now I'm not saying this man is a silver fox per-say, but he illustrates the point I am making here.

It can actually be very endearing to older men, especially balding ones.










Ew or you could look like this guy. I'm going to say that maybe partial credit should be awarded for hotness because the alternative is visually disturbing at best. Shit is just not kosher, no matter which way you fry it. This particular case is mentally disturbing; a classifiable nutjob.  Even more disturbing than this. And you're welcome!



-bruiser

source & source

Disheveledness Increases Creepiness Exponentially

I feel so uncomfortable that I missed Facial Hair Friday this week.  I was 'lol'ing all night so it was worth it (aka the hottest mess; that should make it worth it for you too).  Here is something that makes me even more uncomfortable:

Schizam! God damn!

The first thing I have to say is that I do not believe this creature exists.  It is either the abominable snowman in the witness protection program or CGI because I have never been so freaked and confused at the same time. Shits not kosher.

It is so much farther than cracked out Santa Clause, he looks more like he just got done Moses rehearsals at the county theater.  But 76.1% of me wants to say this is actually a woman.

This man is the image of my nightmares, and even if I saw him in person I'd be too afraid to help him.  Cause we all know this man just needs some Suave conditioner, a hair tie and a beard trimmer but that is still like taking a weedwhacker to the Amazon rainforest.  Its much more efficient to set it on fire.

(Please don't set anyone on fire).
-bruiser

German Disco

Warning: this video is not for the faint of heart.  That being said, roll tape!



This impressive piece of art goes from good to what to IDEAL.
1. Actually decent disco tune. Not bad.
2. We get a glimpse of the wizard/lead singer, and of course you're all like whattt but you venture on, because it is an investment with returns like piles of gold. Did you see how fat his goatee was? Exactly.
3. Now we can't tell if its Star-Trek the musical or just ABBA. Either is okay with me.
4. That clears things up - its German ABBA singing about Russia, Noicee.
5. Wizards back! And I think now we see that he is not a wizard but looks like the abominable snow man? Or maybe thats what USSR propaganda looked like in the 70s?
5.5. Oh snap! Wizard's close-up should be enlightening but its just more confusing.  Is that Indian with a hint of orthodox Jew plus a whole slop bucket of seasonal drag queen? Yeah I thought so.
6. Dear sir in the green ensemble: where have you been all my life? Or for at least the first two minutes of this video? With a moustache like that, no one is ever going to believe you are inclined to modesty.
7. The green moustache begins to sing within view of the camera and now we know why he was put in the back - when he opens his mouth its like his lips are trying to escape. Pan out already! The dude makes Fritz and Spock look normal. Perhaps he's related to the gums with a side of teeth in the red whatever it is?
8. Don't fear! The stereotypical-russian dancing wizard is here!

And now you are all the better for it.
-bruiser

Boston Marathon

Marathon monday was such the shitshow.  Seriously, its Mardi Gras for Boston.  Bitches be so drunk they would have shown their boobs to anyone who asked.

But the marathon itself was great.  Although strongly lacking in the facial hair department - I'd sometimes wait 15 minutes before seeing another.  Unfortunately I missed a few individuals who I remember as absolute PERFEKTION because of the drunk asshole in front of me who decided it was cool to lean 8 feet over the railing.  Click on the album link to see all of the photos and leave a comment.

Boston Marathon

Not only is this picture great because she's totally vibing La Toya Jackson, but check out the best beard of the marathon behind her.

So this guy appears to be royally creeped out by me taking his picture. Calm yourself son, I'm just admiring your beard.

I hope I age as well as Mike here.  And I just noticed his kerchief - noicce!  Totally goes perfectly with his pants, which I have in black and white! Brother from another mother I'm sure.

Solo cups and a super moustache.

I think Movember should hold a run that way everyone must have a real or fake moustache.  That would hold my attention.

-bruiser

Nolte: From Studly to Creepy

Ignore my ignorance, but I don't really remember anything before 2002, so I never remembered Nick Nolte as either A) sane or B) attractive. 

Everytime I think about it, I still find it hard to believe he was ever attractive, since he has hobo smeared all over his face.  Let alone that he was People's Sexiest Man in 1992. Holy shit that means he's 69.  And due to the existence of Sean Connery, his age does not make it an excuse one bit.

Let us stop looking at the horror of your future and focus on his sexy, moustached past.

Sexy. As. Hell.  

Move over Brad Pitt [for the record, I have never thought Brad Pitt was sexy. at all. but I am speaking for the masses here].  This is the reason why I get so depressed - knowing the 70s are 40 years behind us! Back in the days when Nick Nolte knew what conditioner was,  not only did Nick Nolte look slammin', but every other Joe Schmoe looked just like this too.

As much as my mother begs to differ, the 70s were IDEAL and there will be 0 decades better than the 70s. And of course by the 70s I mean 1967-1977.  Flavor-savers and thick heads of hair abound!

Sometimes its better to die young and beautiful than old and stanky
-bruiser

Brian Wilson the Sea Captain

This just in from Lopez Tonight.  Brian Wilson is the jackass we all knew in highschool who pretended that he was better than everybody else (especially if you lived in Massachussetts at the time) but really just wanted acceptance by the cool kids.  Ignoring his pathetic adolescence that has led up to his pathetic (yet very high paying and successful - those things always seem to go hand in hand) adulthood, let's roll the clip cause it rates fairly on the hilarious scale!




Sea captain, eh?  It's actually a really great look and I'm totally digging it.  Brian Wilson, please don't go back to your Jersey Shore gettup.  Shit's just not kosher.

Speaking of seamen and epic beards (and daddy issues?), lets check out this completely serious advertisement for a Sea Captain dating website.  Oddly specific, but hey, if you're looking for a man with a boat, now you know where to look!



Ladies, if you are over all those fake guys at the bars just trying to get into your pants, date these socially defunkt old men who do not command yachts but still probably have some of their personality left, and definitely lots of their racism from the last time they were on dry land (aka the 1960s). [Visit seacaptaindate.com]

I expect invites to your weddings
-bruiser

Distacheter has struck again!

So remember that really cool guy Viggo Mortensen? The one from that semi-successful movie, Lord of the Rings? Well, he is also a stache felon. One of the most heinous crimes one can do a face, next to throwing acid and most plastic surgeries.

So I dug up this gem at some point over the last few months and it is clearly not a recent picture – but it is awful enough to bring up for proper discourse.

Did you see the size of that thing? Were it just a mustache, I’d be cool with it. It would fall under the category of hipsterism for 50 year olds, which I “get”. But no, chin hair is included. View them together – it’s a mushroom stache. Do you see it?
There are two things wrong with this ‘mushroom stache’. For one, I do not like mushrooms. Secondly, facial hair should never look like food. That’s what flavor-savers are for.

Not only that, but Viggo is clearly in denial about his foxiness. Silver fox, that is. I’m guessing he was originally a redhead from his choice of hair dye and freckles. Didn’t we discuss all the reasons why redheads are bad? Why would you want to cover up your silver hair with all that ugly red? And what a poor dye-job! And an all around crappy hair cut. You sir, need a new hair stylist.

Please go back to creeping in pubs and aiding small men in need of defense, sans chin hair. Then we will chat.

-bruiser

Minnesota Movember

I apologize for yet another hockey post, but hockey has jumped all over Movember, its just so hard to resist.

The Flyers creamed Minnesota this week, but Minnesota looked better than Philadelphia did. I applaud anyone who can lose in style!

Brent Burns by far has the best 'stache on the team. He looks like a fucking creep, but its actually not the moustache's fault! Impressive!

I lied. It's a total tie with Cal Cutterback. Its like miniature mutton-chops. Mutton-chops for the chin. Movember is all about innovation! I will never get over the novelty of it.




Greg Zanon and Eric Nystrom have excellent moustaches as well, but Cutterback and Burns do stand out for creativity.

Movember is almost over!
-bruiser

Sports Anchors

Here's the thing about sports anchors/announcers/commentators: they are (usually) retired atheletes who are fat, balding, and out of shape.

Now Chris Berman was not an athelete, but is old, fat, and balding. You say, so what? This happens to everyone.

The point I'm making is that these men are lacking moustaches. Chris Berman had a moustache for a period of time recently - at that point he was guy with moustache. Once he shaved it, he became old, fat announcer guy. A moustache is like a guy's makeup - it hides your flaws and/or distracts from them.

Okay, so he has clearly lost some weight and stopped hitting the tanning bed and gained a few hair plugs. But otherwise, left Chris Berman still looks a whole lot more trustworthy and professional than right Christ Berman. If you have ever been at a loss for an example where moustaches decrease one's creepiness factor, here it is. 

For the sake of all you sportsfans out there, here's hoping Berman's stache comes back.

-bruiser

The man that grows a Mo is only content when all are content.