Give the nerds a little respect!!

America loves nerds. We dumb folk love that there are people smart enough to figure shit out like iphones and bombs and shit. We also love to hate on them to make ourselves feel better. And Hollywood figured that one out early and has given us a lot of great dorks. What we end up with is a lot of geeks without a chance in hell of getting the girl (you know the deal: glasses, buttoned polos, guys whiter than mayonnaise... )

Poor dudes! But it turns out its all Hollywood magic (for some).

Remember him? Kip Dynamite! Practically the biggest geek ever.

Well, turns out he's a hottie (with possibly the nicest ginger beard ever, I might add).

And his awesome brother, Napoleon Dynamite?

[I realize not everyone gets off on the mouth-breathing, wire-rimmed glasses and jew fro look like I do]

Yeah, totally hottie too.

What a fucking stache! And keep rocking the mane, dude. It's a fucking mess, but if you got it, flaunt it. The sex hair might not be a coincidence - he is probably getting copious amounts of ass from horny nerd girls. Get it!

He does make an adorable nerd though.

[I love the Benchwarmers so this one is simply for your viewing pleasure]

Guess what? Not a nerd. 

Possible nerd:

And my favorite nerd of all time? Garth Algar, obvi

He makes me feel funny inside, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. Scha-wing.

Everyone like nerds, but everyone loves a hot nerd. They're so educated&shit.

-bruiser

Overpriced, Sexy-Casual

Some people scour magazines or lady-sites like theBerry looking for hot dudes. I always go right for the Sartorialist when I'm in need of a hot dude (or 2).

The title of this post was 'If You're Thinking About...The Perfect Summer Outfit for a Man'. Sartorialist, you should thank me for editing this for you. NEEDED to be done.

Where to start? The guy on the left is a little too hot, if thats possible. He totally looks like he belongs in one of those Chase credit card commercials, or, here's an idea, a real movie? Standing there so casually with his shades, in his fashionably large pants, cigarette in hand, while carrying a very expensive bag. Oh Sartorialist, where do you find these people? And how do you find so many? 

The first thing I noticed was the hair (obvi). Those are very beautiful heads of hair. And the perfect, manicured scruff! The tattoos were probably the easiest part of constructing their respective images - you only have to get them once. If it were me, I'd get at least twice as many. But that's just personal opinion. I like tattoos. 

I get the feeling that it costs a lot to be that causally sexy. Probably more than I make in a year, and while I weep here over economics, I can at least look back at these handsomely constructed figures to make myself feel better.

I'm not sure if I want to be them or be on them. (Sorry I'm not sorry).

-bruiser

Sorority girl rant on head-straps

Some things I will never understand.

Example A: what is the motivation to grow a full head-strap?

Some men still think it is acceptable to grow a chin-strap (here's a clue: it's not). And some of those fools think its okay to grow a strap all around your head so it looks like your breaching your mom's bushy vagina. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

SINNERS! you all need Jesus.

THE FUCK is wrong with you? There have been bad staches, and there have been failstaches here, but there are NONE worse than this. NONE MANY.

And its not just the tool above who thought this was a good idea: 

(side note: the fact that this douche missed the chin-strap concept is HILARIOUS. Distachter x1000)

I get it, some people miss their elementary arts classes and just need to express themselves. Believe me, I GET IT. Cornrows are a great tool to experiment with. Moustaches make excellent canvases for masculine creativity. But CONNECTING YOUR FUCKING NECK HAIR TO YOUR RECEEDING HAIRLINE IS NOT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME OR THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PLACE TO BE "CREATIVE". SHIT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING KOSHER, SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT. JACKASS.  


If you have one of these (as inspired by my favorite sorority girl Rebecca Martinson) let me ask you to punch yourself in the face right now so I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.


That's enough of the internet for today.
-bruiser

Brett Keisel's Beard, Take 2

During my absence, Brett Keisel shaved his iconic beard. It's okay since it was for charity, but Brett - never again. I'm serious.

Here is what he looks like sans-glory:

And with the beard as the world was meant to be:

I don't know why his beard isn't the biggest deal on the internet. It's pretty much the biggest deal in my life - I MEAN FUCKING LOOK AT THAT LUSH FACIAL HAIR.  I'm certain it feels like chinchilla fur.  

I think this is a good opportunity to diskuss the power of the beard. The above picture shows a regular guy. He looks like your brother's roommate. Nice, but nbd. But when you see him with a beard, he levels up to 11 and becomes über-football-sex-god. That is the power of the beard. Its the difference between being and not being pregnant. Because beards are the #1 cause of pregnancy - thats the fact, jack. 

But I'm klarly not the only one who feels this way - many people responded by photoshopping the famous beard onto other people/objects: Enjoy!

-bruiser

Deer This Guy:

So there is an artist from China who has worn a deer mask every day for the last 4 years.

Luo Dan started wearing the mask and became addicted to its 'therapeutic properties'. He says the deer is a 'tame animal'. 

I'm calling BULLSHIT. You know this dude is from China cause he has never seen deer in his life. Those things are NOT tame - they are wild-ass, shifty-eyed motherfuckers who are out to get you. If they don't destroy your car, they will kick you in the head and kill you. Luo Dan has no idea of what an aggressive statement he is making. If he were in America, he'd become instant target practice. Too easy.

Read the full story here.

[Full disclosure I have been shit on by a deer. True story.]

-bruiser