Can't Handle The Handlebar!

Why does Nicole Kidman exist?

In all likelyhood, specifically to prevent me from enjoying the world's finest stache. Whada bitch!

Okay, so here's the story: I hate Nicole Kidman with a burning passion and will never watch anything with her in it. I hate her just as much as I hate Nicholas Cage, and we do nawt want to open up that can of worms. [EDIT: We are going to open that nasty-ass can of worms because he's totally in Ghostrider with Nicholas Cage! What an asshole! (Nicholas Cage I mean.) stupid nagger.]

So I spent months changing the channel to avoid looking at her emaciated-troll face whenever The Golden Compass trailer came on. Unfortunately for myself, I never came to realize that Sam Elliott's shining stache was the main feature, which, I'll have you know, swept the award shows for "Best Supporting Stache".

What handlebar beauty and perfection! This man has every desirable hair gene known to man. His eyebrows are *amazing*. And he has a full head of hair - What a feat! And the moustache: It has consistent color, symmetrical shape, incredible volume, upper-liplessness, and a salty-scruff. I can't do it justice. I'm in fucking awe right now.

I almost couldn't top that, but then I remembered this little morsel. He has a wife (duh) and she's sexy as hell.

Mr. Sam Elliott is married to Katharine Ross. I know her as my girlfriend, but many of you know her as Elaine Robinson from The Graduate or as Etta Place from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Actually, nothing makes me happier that they are together. Because a stache like that needs beauty like hers to match it, and she certainly deserves nothing less than a stache like that. Its fate.

And here they are together because they're so fucking cute.

Those two are actually what the 60s were all about. What was that? You say that the Beatles were? I'm not familiar. They sound like a bunch of A-holes anyway.

Here's one last look, upclose, at the mother of all staches:

You're Welcome.

-bruiser