When the Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes...

...We're talking beards here people, not muffstaches.

This phenomenon actually happens more than one would think, usually because the facial hair is younger than the hair on the top of one's head.


Michael Hall from Dexter is the perfect example of what I am talking about. It's a shame that he's a firecrotch (okay we might be talking about muffstaches as well...) because the upper half of his face is hot.  Unfortunately for him, the lower half is not, and there is no partial credit or participation points in the real world for hotness.




The real pity is that it affects gingers more than normal people.  If a ginger has outgrown their gingerness, life shouldn't be so cruel as to afflict them again. But maybe its nature's way of ensuring we don't become passive about the ginger problem, and that we especially don't breed with such individuals. What a fucking distachter that would be!

Although not only gingers go through this, silver foxes are also reportedly affected by the carpets not matching the drapes.  Now I'm not saying this man is a silver fox per-say, but he illustrates the point I am making here.

It can actually be very endearing to older men, especially balding ones.










Ew or you could look like this guy. I'm going to say that maybe partial credit should be awarded for hotness because the alternative is visually disturbing at best. Shit is just not kosher, no matter which way you fry it. This particular case is mentally disturbing; a classifiable nutjob.  Even more disturbing than this. And you're welcome!



-bruiser

source & source

Whisper Sweet Nothings

Happy Black People Month! One of my very favorite times of the year!

This year, we ain't fucking around - we're jumping right into all of the crustaches and afros full throttle. If you don't like it, you can leave.



Here are all of the things that make up a Supergroup that people need in their lives:
1. Color coordination. Let us note their impeccable taste. Black men know how to color coordinate - it's genetic.

2. Large hair. Afros are the definition of large hair. And equally in this category are nice domes, because if a man's got a dome, you don't miss the hair.

3. Moustaches - duh. And the Whispers have a 2-for-1 special!

4. Beards. Salt 'n Peppa' makes it even betta'

5. Mixed heights of group members. Yes this is an odd trait but the Red Hot Chili Peppers did it, and so did Simon and Garfunkel.



The Whispers have all of those things. View it and be amazed:

 

You're welcome. Happy Black People Month!
-bruiser

Don't Fear the Bald!

Fashion and sports aren’t normally in the same sentence [see last week and every sports anchor in the business]. However, on occasion, sports enthusiasts are also fashionistas. Behold Kevin Stewart of ESPN:

This man lives and breathes Barneys, Armani Xchange, and sports. He is completely into himself – I mean obvi. But when you look gud, you are allowed. And when your beard is dope, you are also allowed. The array of colors in the beard is astounding. Its like a rainbow of grayscale coming out of his face. He’s inked up and wearing vintage chucks. I personally hate chucks, but he rocks them. And he rocks being bald.

Baldness is clearly a topic I’ve avoided here, but lets diskus. Some men can’t help it – what was once a lawn of neatly cultivated hair follicles is a locally extinct habitat. But take it with grace and style – shave the little hair you might have left. This is especially important for those with pattern baldness. The belt of untrimmed hair growing around the center of your cranium is not attractive and does not make people believe that you do have hair. It simply draws attention to the fact that you are missing hair on top and don’t get hair cuts with large enough frequency. So men, if you are faced with this dilemma, shave it all. If you simply have a receding hairline, a good alternative for you is to buzz your hair. Buzzed hair gives the same effect of baldness, especially if you are white and don’t have a dome.

Kevin Stewart has a dome. Generally most black men do. Dule Hill also has a magical dome – I’ve seen it in person, it really doesn’t disappoint. In truth, it is a work of art that would make Michelangelo weep.

I realize this is long so heres the summary: sports anchors need to burn ALL of their damn ties and get a wife who actually knows a thing about fashion. Kevin Stewart is awesome, having lush hair is enviable, but there comes a time in every mans life (see Sean Connery) that the bald or buzzed look should and must be rocked, and bald domes are beautiful. If you have a dome, call me.

-bruiser 

Psych and Epic Actor Throwbacks

My favorite show has been neglected for too long. There are about a billion reasons why Psych is the best show ever created, but I'll give you a run-down of the most interesting (and sometimes moustached!) characters. Party on!

Woody the Coroner (played by Kurt Fuller) is my favorite character. Russell is also my favorite character in Wayne's World. [Actor throwback #1] I actually squeal when Shawn and Gus hit up the morgue. Ah, obsessions are good for the soul.

Sorry Dulé, your velvety voice and superior head shape do bring you into a *very* close second. I met the very Chocolate Columbo in person recently, and he does not disappoint. Incredibly charismatic, and the man can say 'whaaat' like no ones business.
And look how awesome this episode is going to be this season! Ovaltine Jenkins sports not only a mustache but an afro as well! I don't know how he got by my Black People Month post, but keep an eye out for the Jackal next year.

Chris Sarandon played Ashton Bonaventure and is by far the most interesting man in the world. I mean, his name is Bon-aventure. Anyone with that name immediately increases in interestingness.  Look at how skillfully he balances the world in his hands! And you know how I feel about full hair at that age. Even Shawn admits that it is superior to his own locks. Definitely one guest star I wouldn't mind seeing return. There is never enough silver in the world. Just sayin'.




Jon Gries looks familiar, no? Thats because he's fucking Uncle Rico. [Actor throwback #2] Yes the very same seller of nylon polymer. The amazing thing about this photo is, Uncle Rico looks so normal and uncle-y! He could be your uncle. Watch your back, if your uncle also looks like this he might peg you in the face with a juicy steak.


Your uncle might be an Uncle Rico if he meets these qualifications: 1) has a moustache, 2) played football, 3) is/was a salesman, and/or 4) is Jon Gries.

Cary Elwes returned for the season premier as Pierre Despereaux, notorious art thief. If Chris Sarandon is the most interesting man in the world, Pierre might be the fanciest man in the world. His moustache certainly qualifies him for fancy stateus! Or maybe to play a part in Fancy Feast commercials? I'm not ragging, I've heard there's good money in cat commercials. Plus, he looks so educated&shit.

And guess what? Another mind-blowing connection! [Actor throwback #3 & #4] Both Chris Sarandon and Cary Elwes were in Princess Bride! It's a good thing that these two weren't in the same episode, shit would have imploded (because according to Dulé, it's better in the inside. Honest to god quote), someone would have been stabbed, and moustaches would have been sacrificed. Not cool.

So watch Psych on Wednesdays at 10 (on USA) and see what kind of hilarious trouble Shawn and John Jacob Jingley-Schmidt will get into. And keep bringing the epic guest stars.

-bruiser