The Problem with Boyfriends

Once upon a time, on reality television, there was an angry chef. And the paparazzi accidentally photographed him:

Clearly the subject of the above photograph is this fine gentleman. Perhaps a hipster, perhaps an ape (a common confusion. Very closely related, evolutionarily speaking). He might even be above chef's boyfriend. In that case, he shouldn't settle for someone who is so beneath him. He can really do better!

Truthfully, anyone with a long hair/full beard combo immediately jumps to the top of the dating pool. I mean, what a catch!

-bruiser

It's All in the Family!

So remember Deputy Wiegel (played by Kerri Kenney)? Not only does she have a mustache that needs bleachin', but her father also had quite the moustache!

Check it:

Larry Kenney was the bangin' game show host of 'Bowling for Dollars' in the 70s. I really like the slicked-bowl-cut he went for. It really brings out the lack of angles in his mustache. And he looks just as much like Kerri as he does Thomas Lennon (aka Lieutenant Dangle).

It's really awfully weird if you ask me. I mean, god bless them and their moustaches, but a little too incestuous if you ask me. Because incest is only okay in small doses.

-bruiser

You're still out! You'rre still fat!

I realize it's been a lot of baseball staches so far, but I couldn't resist this gem:

As funny as getting hit in the groin with a baseball is, what's truly funny about this card is the face. Ignoring his momentary agony, why the hell is his stache crooked? Looks fake to me. A good mustache should always move with the mouth. Plus he looks like he just might cry. It's okay because he's also wearing a softball uniform. You can tell by the cut on the sleeve that it's for sissys.

Another burning question is, who gets to decide what photos to put on baseball cards and how does one acquire such a job? I could have photographers throw baseballs at players all day, just for my amusement. Another question, what child want's this photo in their card collection? I would be uncomfortable allowing my child to muse over it in a collection. "Sorry son, daddy accidentally burnt it with his cigarette. Went up in flames. Wish you could have seen it."

You know, he might just be auditioning for the part of Clark in Benchwarmers. Keith would make a good paper boy.

-bruiser

The Bustache

You know thats right. Not only is a mustache a way of life, its also a way of driving... I'm just kindof "TO"-ed I didn't think of it first [and that she hasn't sent me a full body shot yet].

This is the perfect ride if you're compensating for something. I mean most men with mustaches are, right?

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "mustache ride".

-bruiser

Gold Medal Hair

Today's post is not about amazing facial hair, but instead about Nice Hair. Honestly, it's pretty amazing.

Ryan Smyth of the LA Kings (what a gay hockey team name!) should never wear a helmet and risk damaging his golden locks. His hair makes Farrah Fawcett (rest her soul) weep.

Ryan Smyth must be a hair idol to men everywhere, considering he was 32 when this picture was taken. Even George Clooney envys his fuller, more youthful hair.

And this guy sure has some balls to walk around with perfectly flipped hair these days. But he is an ath-e-lete, so anyone who messes with his hair won't fair well in a fight. Let alone a hockey fight. It's almost like they get paid to do it.

Just like Ville Leino's beard gives Finland a good name, Ryan Smyth's tousled tresses finally give 'hockey hair' a good name. The 'Ryan' may be the new 'Rachel'.

-bruiser