No One Messes With My Bitch

So of all the men, beards, and moustaches, I have yet to inform you all about my affair with Whoppi Goldberg.  In short, I'm pretty much in lesbians with her.  No one comes close to Whoppi.

And the New York Times just ignored her Academy Award?  This woman earned that hunk of gold, and deserves 10 more, thankyouverymuch.  Here is the NY Times article, and as of Monday night, she was not mentioned.  The NY Times should do a full front page apology to my lady.

Listen to her be pissed on the subject.  It's what she does best.



My love for Whoopi began the first 100 times I watched Sister Act when I was 8 or 9 years old.  And I've seen it 300 more times since then, but that is extraneous information. Let us discuss Sister Act for a hot second, kay?

She starts out as a slutty lounge singer. You can't imagine that it gets better but it does.

She is a classy lady!

She has a gold lamé
jacket. And she has bangin' shades. Have you seen this hair! Shits Noicce. I now have a new Halloween costume. Check that shit off the list.

Nun of that!

She actually sang in it. For years I thought she didn't, but that ain't no church-voice honey.

Sister Mary Clarence also understands the importance of deep shoulder action. So easily overlooked!

PS - the sequel to Sister Act is called 'Back in the Habit'. Writing genius I tell you.

This is what the Roman

 Catholic Church looked like before Whoopi stepped into it [Note the moustache. A redeeming quality for the RCC].  No pretty.  That face is actually an universal reaction to the RCC.  Therefore church gives you crow's feet. Don't want that.

Did I mention what a sexy bitch she is? I don't know if its the hair, the studded bustier, or the lack of eyebrows that turns me on, but keep it coming!

She turns 'Bless you' into curse words. Floored yet?

She also has a showdown with Dame Maggie Smith, the only woman in the world who comes near her [aside from Katharine Ross of course].

My favorite scene is her

without the habit.  I don't understand the desire for weaves, cause ladies, this is it.  Your $1000 Indian hair does not look better than this carved afro.  With this hair you can throw on a habit and some hoops and go out the door. I need me a damn afro.  So church-chic!

So my obsession with Whoopi is unreal.   The memory of the dream of having lunch with Whoopi is better than any of the memories I've actually experienced. And no, this is not sad or pitiful.  It is a pity no one else has dream-dined with Whoopi before.

Good night ladies and gentlemen! You don't give a shit!

-bruiser

BBall Beards

Sports seem to be disproportionately be repped by Black People.  This isn't exactly true because that only really includes basketball and football, which is just half of popular sports. 2/5ths if you include curling. Seems fair for a minority that has superior physical abilities, no?

They also underrep the facial haired population.  This is also fair because A) they're a minority and B) it is no longer the 70s (unfortunately).  The Knicks, however, appreciate facial hair.

These beards are off the hook.  So far Power-Stache has only explored the trim, unkempt, and lumberjack beards.  But here we see men who view beard trimmers as tools of artistic expression.  If this isn't inspiration at its finest, I don't know what is.

I adore Felton's linear look - simple, yet incredibly unique.  It screams 'I'm formal, but I know how to party', whereas Curry's beard means business. Curry's is very flattering, and  it might be the reflection of his hairline.  I'm digging the symmetry.

Turiaf looks like the love child of Jesus and Lenny Kravitz.  Just try to unsee that. - Who knew a love child of Jesus could look like they'd beat the crap out of you at any moment?

Now if one of these guys would only have the balls to grow a stache.
-bruiser

(Source) 

The Back of Your Head is Ridikilous

Are you guys having the dopest Black People Month ever? If you aren't, get up and go to BK like you know you want to do. Right now. Pick me up some fries with Zesty sauce. It's like Outback's Bloomin' Onion for poor people.

So as promised, I present to you another black person to celebrate this Facial Hair Friday.  So I never got to see this individual's face, but walking behind him was a blessing enough for me.

Can I hav your numba? Can I have it? Own that ponytail. Work that updo!

20 years of hair growth is never something to kid about.  This shit is serious and should be respected.  Shits Noicce. The hair really *pops* on the denim-on-denim background.  Really a stunning image.

So can I have it?

-bruiser

PS - Also in this image is the only trashcan in Boston. How fortunate for you all to see this rarity! Next time I want to throw something out, I'll have to remember that theres one in Chinatown. A contrast to the number of tacobells in the city, of which there are none.

Epic Beard Sunday!

It's Superbowl Sunday! You know what that means - you crackers better get out to the store, pick up some hotwings and beer, and celebrate Black People Month the right way!

And since footballers rarely do anything besides sit on their pile of money while getting tattoos and wearing do-rags, we will turn to a white man today for our Sports Stache Sunday analysis.

Brett Kiesel has been growing a masterpiece.  A miracle I'd call it - although other women only refer to miraculous growth as fetuses - this is a man's version of an expanding uterus. Check it:

Brett has invested in his face for two very good reasons: first as a shield, to soften the impacts his face might see in his 3 minutes of field time, and second, as publicity.  There's nothing wrong with using your superior genes to get ahead [and by ahead I mean money and bitches].  It's America. That's the kind of shit we pull.

I think the 2010s will be a progressive decade for facial hair everywhere.  For some reason people are only now recognizing its persuasive and monetary powers.  Which is just better for everyone else cause chances are, someone looks gud. And today, it's Brett Kiesel.  

But mull over the trend for a second - first it's Ville Leino representing hockey, then Brian Wilson rep-ing baseball, now Brett Kiesel giving football a good name.  And they all made it to the finals of their respective sport.  Fingers crossed one of those BBall gigantoids have figured out how to put the beard trimmer down by the end of the season.

So Brett Kiesel, I applaud your beard. It's dope as fuck. Power-Stache will be sorry to see it go.

-bruiser

[Image Source http://sports.nationalpost.com/2011/01/25/in-tribute-to-brett-keisels-beard/]

Whisper Sweet Nothings

Happy Black People Month! One of my very favorite times of the year!

This year, we ain't fucking around - we're jumping right into all of the crustaches and afros full throttle. If you don't like it, you can leave.



Here are all of the things that make up a Supergroup that people need in their lives:
1. Color coordination. Let us note their impeccable taste. Black men know how to color coordinate - it's genetic.

2. Large hair. Afros are the definition of large hair. And equally in this category are nice domes, because if a man's got a dome, you don't miss the hair.

3. Moustaches - duh. And the Whispers have a 2-for-1 special!

4. Beards. Salt 'n Peppa' makes it even betta'

5. Mixed heights of group members. Yes this is an odd trait but the Red Hot Chili Peppers did it, and so did Simon and Garfunkel.



The Whispers have all of those things. View it and be amazed:

 

You're welcome. Happy Black People Month!
-bruiser