She has funny dreams

Life can be stressful sometimes. And sometimes people are on drugs. Either of these people will have fucked up dreams, and if you fall in the the middle of the venn-diagram, you are screwed my friend.

Recently I had one such dream.

Scene: Leaving a billionaire's house party.
Situation: Everyone gets a monetary party-gift (sounds awesome, right?)
What happened to me: I grab a gift card. For $200,000. Even better, right? Wrong.

It was to KFC. $200,000 gift card to fucking KFC.

Now I don't eat at KFC, although this isn't the problem. I would totally eat at KFC for free for the rest of my life (51 years, give or take, of an 8 piece bucket combo for the rest of my life). But why the fuck would I do that? I want the money, not free chicken (even though fried chicken is the best chicken #fact).

I debated my options. I could be a philanthropist and donate it to a food shelter. Or I could be a dick and sell it to a church (read: Baptist) at a discounted rate, which is slightly generous. Or I could be even more of a dick and buy a store. Or 3.

Or I could sell it to Dave Grohl. He loves that shit.

I don't think I've ever been more intrigued by a hypothetical situation, ever.
Here's to fucked up shit.
-bruiser

PS - the drug dream was in reference to the time I was on malaria pills. woah.

Afroified Wilt Chamberlain

Basketball legend, Wilt Chamberlain, had legendary facial hair.  And because he had a way with the hair follicles, he naturally had a way with the ladies.

And his afro is lovely. His afroified goatee could be trimmed a bit, but it has great shape. I guess when you commit to an afro, you have to go all the way. I can't commit to anything so I wouldn't know.

That's it for Black People Month. At least it gives you something to look forward to February for, god knows we all need something.

-bruiser

Classic Crustache

Richard Pryor had one of the most beloved crustaches of all time. It was meaty and definitely not creepy. The man looked far better with his moustache (I don't need to beg the question 'who doesn't?' right now do I?) than sans moustache.

The reason is hiding the upper lip worked great for him. If you look at him sans-stache, you can still see where it should be, a phantom stache perhaps?

That moustache is such an accessory - like some men wear bolo ties. Ones that can't wear moustaches I guess.

As a comedic actor, with good material mind you, he didn't necessitate the moustache for laughs or attention. Unlike whatever douche I saw on Comedy Central today - Patrick Fox? What an asshole. He needs to shave that booger off his face and stop giving moustaches a bad name. Pryor's stache is all kinds of class and zero kinds of crass. Plus his afro is all kinds of awesome. Too bad comedy will never look this good again (except maybe David Spade. He looks fine in those 7UP commercials.)

-bruiser                                                                             (via source and source)

The New, Improved Chin-Strap

Call this another triumph for Black People, and perfect for Black People Month,

 Jacob Pullen has given new life to the chin-strap.  No longer skinny, but still perfectly crusty, Pullen's beard has a wild following at Kansas State. Fake chin-strap/beard hybrids abound, I'll jump on the bandwagon seeing as this one is going to go much further than the anchor stache or the hitler stache.

If you look closely, it is simply a beard, sans moustache and soul patch. Aka an untrimmed chin-strap.  And white people have gotten a bad rap for chin straps for years (rightfully so! idyots.)



But good for him for making it work, as evidenced, these novel facial hair styles aren't always fruitful.  Considering the recent success of teams with beards, I'd count on Jacob Pullen leading Kansas into March Madness. I'm telling you now, beards are less smelly and more humane lucky-rabbits foots.


People, stop wasting perfectly good salt over your shoulder, and grow a damn beard.
-bruiser

Nike Owns Black History Month Now

Leave it to Hitler-Stache Michael Jordan to make all of February about himself.  Not only does he have madaam tussauds (I mean, he looks good), but Air-Jordans for Black People Month too? Now that just ain't right.

Let me google that for you

Nike releases special-edition shoes just for Black History Month.  Umm, okay.  Your customers are largely fashionable.  Fact.  So no sentimental feelings are going to bring them into the store.  They want dope looking shoes, and they don't want a lesson on their struggles for equality.  So Nike - stop making shoes for MLK Jr, and start making shoes for your customers.  [And ps - keep up the good work cause those shoes are sexy as hell!]

I mean damn! These go with my white-girl blazer and my black girl jeans.




Now get crackin' on some shoes in honor of my girl Whoops.
-bruiser

No One Messes With My Bitch

So of all the men, beards, and moustaches, I have yet to inform you all about my affair with Whoppi Goldberg.  In short, I'm pretty much in lesbians with her.  No one comes close to Whoppi.

And the New York Times just ignored her Academy Award?  This woman earned that hunk of gold, and deserves 10 more, thankyouverymuch.  Here is the NY Times article, and as of Monday night, she was not mentioned.  The NY Times should do a full front page apology to my lady.

Listen to her be pissed on the subject.  It's what she does best.



My love for Whoopi began the first 100 times I watched Sister Act when I was 8 or 9 years old.  And I've seen it 300 more times since then, but that is extraneous information. Let us discuss Sister Act for a hot second, kay?

She starts out as a slutty lounge singer. You can't imagine that it gets better but it does.

She is a classy lady!

She has a gold lamé
jacket. And she has bangin' shades. Have you seen this hair! Shits Noicce. I now have a new Halloween costume. Check that shit off the list.

Nun of that!

She actually sang in it. For years I thought she didn't, but that ain't no church-voice honey.

Sister Mary Clarence also understands the importance of deep shoulder action. So easily overlooked!

PS - the sequel to Sister Act is called 'Back in the Habit'. Writing genius I tell you.

This is what the Roman

 Catholic Church looked like before Whoopi stepped into it [Note the moustache. A redeeming quality for the RCC].  No pretty.  That face is actually an universal reaction to the RCC.  Therefore church gives you crow's feet. Don't want that.

Did I mention what a sexy bitch she is? I don't know if its the hair, the studded bustier, or the lack of eyebrows that turns me on, but keep it coming!

She turns 'Bless you' into curse words. Floored yet?

She also has a showdown with Dame Maggie Smith, the only woman in the world who comes near her [aside from Katharine Ross of course].

My favorite scene is her

without the habit.  I don't understand the desire for weaves, cause ladies, this is it.  Your $1000 Indian hair does not look better than this carved afro.  With this hair you can throw on a habit and some hoops and go out the door. I need me a damn afro.  So church-chic!

So my obsession with Whoopi is unreal.   The memory of the dream of having lunch with Whoopi is better than any of the memories I've actually experienced. And no, this is not sad or pitiful.  It is a pity no one else has dream-dined with Whoopi before.

Good night ladies and gentlemen! You don't give a shit!

-bruiser

BBall Beards

Sports seem to be disproportionately be repped by Black People.  This isn't exactly true because that only really includes basketball and football, which is just half of popular sports. 2/5ths if you include curling. Seems fair for a minority that has superior physical abilities, no?

They also underrep the facial haired population.  This is also fair because A) they're a minority and B) it is no longer the 70s (unfortunately).  The Knicks, however, appreciate facial hair.

These beards are off the hook.  So far Power-Stache has only explored the trim, unkempt, and lumberjack beards.  But here we see men who view beard trimmers as tools of artistic expression.  If this isn't inspiration at its finest, I don't know what is.

I adore Felton's linear look - simple, yet incredibly unique.  It screams 'I'm formal, but I know how to party', whereas Curry's beard means business. Curry's is very flattering, and  it might be the reflection of his hairline.  I'm digging the symmetry.

Turiaf looks like the love child of Jesus and Lenny Kravitz.  Just try to unsee that. - Who knew a love child of Jesus could look like they'd beat the crap out of you at any moment?

Now if one of these guys would only have the balls to grow a stache.
-bruiser

(Source) 

The Back of Your Head is Ridikilous

Are you guys having the dopest Black People Month ever? If you aren't, get up and go to BK like you know you want to do. Right now. Pick me up some fries with Zesty sauce. It's like Outback's Bloomin' Onion for poor people.

So as promised, I present to you another black person to celebrate this Facial Hair Friday.  So I never got to see this individual's face, but walking behind him was a blessing enough for me.

Can I hav your numba? Can I have it? Own that ponytail. Work that updo!

20 years of hair growth is never something to kid about.  This shit is serious and should be respected.  Shits Noicce. The hair really *pops* on the denim-on-denim background.  Really a stunning image.

So can I have it?

-bruiser

PS - Also in this image is the only trashcan in Boston. How fortunate for you all to see this rarity! Next time I want to throw something out, I'll have to remember that theres one in Chinatown. A contrast to the number of tacobells in the city, of which there are none.

Epic Beard Sunday!

It's Superbowl Sunday! You know what that means - you crackers better get out to the store, pick up some hotwings and beer, and celebrate Black People Month the right way!

And since footballers rarely do anything besides sit on their pile of money while getting tattoos and wearing do-rags, we will turn to a white man today for our Sports Stache Sunday analysis.

Brett Kiesel has been growing a masterpiece.  A miracle I'd call it - although other women only refer to miraculous growth as fetuses - this is a man's version of an expanding uterus. Check it:

Brett has invested in his face for two very good reasons: first as a shield, to soften the impacts his face might see in his 3 minutes of field time, and second, as publicity.  There's nothing wrong with using your superior genes to get ahead [and by ahead I mean money and bitches].  It's America. That's the kind of shit we pull.

I think the 2010s will be a progressive decade for facial hair everywhere.  For some reason people are only now recognizing its persuasive and monetary powers.  Which is just better for everyone else cause chances are, someone looks gud. And today, it's Brett Kiesel.  

But mull over the trend for a second - first it's Ville Leino representing hockey, then Brian Wilson rep-ing baseball, now Brett Kiesel giving football a good name.  And they all made it to the finals of their respective sport.  Fingers crossed one of those BBall gigantoids have figured out how to put the beard trimmer down by the end of the season.

So Brett Kiesel, I applaud your beard. It's dope as fuck. Power-Stache will be sorry to see it go.

-bruiser

[Image Source http://sports.nationalpost.com/2011/01/25/in-tribute-to-brett-keisels-beard/]

Whisper Sweet Nothings

Happy Black People Month! One of my very favorite times of the year!

This year, we ain't fucking around - we're jumping right into all of the crustaches and afros full throttle. If you don't like it, you can leave.



Here are all of the things that make up a Supergroup that people need in their lives:
1. Color coordination. Let us note their impeccable taste. Black men know how to color coordinate - it's genetic.

2. Large hair. Afros are the definition of large hair. And equally in this category are nice domes, because if a man's got a dome, you don't miss the hair.

3. Moustaches - duh. And the Whispers have a 2-for-1 special!

4. Beards. Salt 'n Peppa' makes it even betta'

5. Mixed heights of group members. Yes this is an odd trait but the Red Hot Chili Peppers did it, and so did Simon and Garfunkel.



The Whispers have all of those things. View it and be amazed:

 

You're welcome. Happy Black People Month!
-bruiser