Pete Ladd Yankovic

Pete Ladd played for the Mariners over 80 years ago and is Weird Al's maternal grandfather. See the family resemblance?

I'm serious about the resemblance part, kidding about the family part. The dude is the Weird Al of baseball. With a slightly better mustache. Al Yankovic must have written a song about baseball at one point in time.

Funfact I just learned: Pete Ladd once injured Rollie Fingers. Thats some hot gossip. Ladd was clearly jealous of the best stache in baseball (who isn't?) and tried to take him out himself. Some people can deal with Weird Al look-a-like competition, some people can deal with mustache competition, but never both. That's just too much dealing to stay sane. Or out of jail.

-bruiser

The Living Simpsons

This is the real-life version of the Simpsons. They don't resemble them physically, but they do have the same family relationship. You have the concernikist Marge, nerdy Lisa, mischievous Bart and the dad with a drinking problem. He even affectionately strangles his son like Homer. They are also a little more Pennsylvania-Amish (i.e. the quilt background) than the Midwest-suburban Simpsons.

This dad looks like a real Casanova unlike Homer, who looks like he shouldn't have a babe like Marge for a wife. And all Casanova's have beards [except Heath Ledger, 'cause he had lady-skillz sans beard]. Men with beards make awful husbands. Its evolution baby - humans are not traditionally monogamists and bearded men are holding on to their gene-given rights with their faces. But I digress.

In summary, this guy is the George Clooney version of Homer Simpson. And that really doesn't upset me.

-bruiser

Vincent Price is the Devil

For everyone's sake here, I hope that you all have seen The Great Mouse Detective. It is about Sherlock and Watson Basil of Baker St. and Dr. Dawson fighting the evil Professor Ratigan.

Professor Ratigan is truly evil in every way [except that he is missing a particularly evil mousetache]. And his evilness is attributed to the voice of Vincent Price. It's okay that Ratigan doesn't have a stache because Vincent Price has enough for any normal human plus a cartoon rat.

Vincent Price is the wicked creature on the left and on the right is boring Ronald Coleman. What isn't villanesque about Price? The pinstripe pants matched with a crushed velvet jacket, the napkin he made into a tie, and the pointy- A) goatee, B) moustache, C) eyebrows, or D) hairline make this guy's house the best to visit on halloween. He probably gave out king-sized candy bars too.

The way his hair is styled even gives the illusion of horns on his head. This man is scary dope and no fuck he was the go-to man for all things scary. He is even the voice of Thriller! Even better, he narrated Alice Cooper's concert/movie. This man is scary-dope.

-bruiser

The Skache

The Skache [aka Skate-Stache] sounds like ca$h because its made of money baby!!!

Patrick Melcher is a professional skater and has the 2nd best mustache in the world. Now, we all know thats not true, but he likely had the 2nd best mustache in the competition - a small minority of the number of mustaches out there. But I'm digressing.

Either way, its a high-quality stache. Even though Melcher teeters on the edge of hipster, he's okay in my book. He simply has fewer talents in this world to devote his time to than us ordinary folk- he isn't using it to express his artistic side which is hidden by his punk skating exterior. noway nohow.

This dude really invests his time and palmade into his extra-curriculars. He can have an air high-five.

-bruiser

Totally GROSS Friday

As I've mentioned before, very few things cross the line for me. One of a myraid of things that do not cross the line is Black People Month. This item is just plain excessive. And excessive for me (I mean, heller) is just plain uncalled for. I present to you, the Muffstache! (available at Etsy).

No need to go all Ron Jeremy on the poor public. No one thinks you're funny for buying these (or making, for Stache Valentine's sake!). People, please refrain from publicizing your feelings about moustaches in public forums other than Power-Stache. It's just...shit's not kosher.

just stop it.

-bruiser

Fake Stache Sunday

I have no idea when this commercial came into existence, but on a scale of 1 to 10, i'd rate it as relevant to Sports Stache Sundays.

Okay Peyton. That is the fakest fake-stache I have ever seen. It's nearly falling off on the right side. However, not your fault. That's sprints fault. They're just so cheap. But it's hard not to be when you shell out big bucks for quarterbacks like Peyton Manning.

It is more than the mustache that's cheap. There is nothing going on in the commercial at all besides his spiel in his garage. Why is he even in a garage? Isn't the living room a more appropriate place?

Peyton's weave looks really nice here. High-quality human hair right there. He's gone darker, must have been wintertime. 

-bruiser

The Problem with Boyfriends

Once upon a time, on reality television, there was an angry chef. And the paparazzi accidentally photographed him:

Clearly the subject of the above photograph is this fine gentleman. Perhaps a hipster, perhaps an ape (a common confusion. Very closely related, evolutionarily speaking). He might even be above chef's boyfriend. In that case, he shouldn't settle for someone who is so beneath him. He can really do better!

Truthfully, anyone with a long hair/full beard combo immediately jumps to the top of the dating pool. I mean, what a catch!

-bruiser

It's All in the Family!

So remember Deputy Wiegel (played by Kerri Kenney)? Not only does she have a mustache that needs bleachin', but her father also had quite the moustache!

Check it:

Larry Kenney was the bangin' game show host of 'Bowling for Dollars' in the 70s. I really like the slicked-bowl-cut he went for. It really brings out the lack of angles in his mustache. And he looks just as much like Kerri as he does Thomas Lennon (aka Lieutenant Dangle).

It's really awfully weird if you ask me. I mean, god bless them and their moustaches, but a little too incestuous if you ask me. Because incest is only okay in small doses.

-bruiser

You're still out! You'rre still fat!

I realize it's been a lot of baseball staches so far, but I couldn't resist this gem:

As funny as getting hit in the groin with a baseball is, what's truly funny about this card is the face. Ignoring his momentary agony, why the hell is his stache crooked? Looks fake to me. A good mustache should always move with the mouth. Plus he looks like he just might cry. It's okay because he's also wearing a softball uniform. You can tell by the cut on the sleeve that it's for sissys.

Another burning question is, who gets to decide what photos to put on baseball cards and how does one acquire such a job? I could have photographers throw baseballs at players all day, just for my amusement. Another question, what child want's this photo in their card collection? I would be uncomfortable allowing my child to muse over it in a collection. "Sorry son, daddy accidentally burnt it with his cigarette. Went up in flames. Wish you could have seen it."

You know, he might just be auditioning for the part of Clark in Benchwarmers. Keith would make a good paper boy.

-bruiser

The Bustache

You know thats right. Not only is a mustache a way of life, its also a way of driving... I'm just kindof "TO"-ed I didn't think of it first [and that she hasn't sent me a full body shot yet].

This is the perfect ride if you're compensating for something. I mean most men with mustaches are, right?

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "mustache ride".

-bruiser

Gold Medal Hair

Today's post is not about amazing facial hair, but instead about Nice Hair. Honestly, it's pretty amazing.

Ryan Smyth of the LA Kings (what a gay hockey team name!) should never wear a helmet and risk damaging his golden locks. His hair makes Farrah Fawcett (rest her soul) weep.

Ryan Smyth must be a hair idol to men everywhere, considering he was 32 when this picture was taken. Even George Clooney envys his fuller, more youthful hair.

And this guy sure has some balls to walk around with perfectly flipped hair these days. But he is an ath-e-lete, so anyone who messes with his hair won't fair well in a fight. Let alone a hockey fight. It's almost like they get paid to do it.

Just like Ville Leino's beard gives Finland a good name, Ryan Smyth's tousled tresses finally give 'hockey hair' a good name. The 'Ryan' may be the new 'Rachel'.

-bruiser