The Royal Wedding Moustache

Everyone and their mother (especially their mother) watched the royal wedding today.  And although dull as weddings go (I find all weddings to be dull; I'm positive that both bride and groom also feel this way because if you watched them, you'd think they were serving detention at how inattentive they are during the ceremony). We all know that the best part is the reception because its post-pictures and the food (and drinks!) are delicious.

During the pre-ceremony, I spied a delightful man who I believe was a member of the royal family as he was wearing some military attire.  Although I did not get a picture then, I did find one of him from afar (and I will be adding the closeup once the broadcast reloops).

What you see here my friends is a sixth of the best moustache within all of Westminster Abbey today, guaranteed. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

I also didn't register this toothbrush stache the first time - what a find!

And I didn't realize people still wore those - I guess the 'too soon' period is now over for WWII.

And this was the stache I expected to be on every man's face in attendance over 60.  England, why you no like moustaches?

At first I hated the halloween parade all of the invitees thought they were invited to, but now I'm diggin' it.  It was pretty awesome to see every woman looking like a complete dump, and all of the men looking dapper with their tie pins and 6 shades of complementary colors.  And by every woman, I mean all of them except the Middleton family - mother and daughters looked amazing. So much class...and no one told me her mother was Angelica Huston. She's uhmazing!  And she had the sexiest suit/dress/ensemble.

Mrs. Middleton-382, Everyone else-0.
-bruiser

Daniel Tosh Needs His Beard

Whilst checking out sexy astronauts, I came across this gentleman - Karol Bobko.  I immediately thought he looked an awful lot like Daniel Tosh.  And then I thought he looked a lot like Chris Pronger too.  I decided he looks like he could be Chris Pronger's dad, but with all of the creepiness factor of Tosh (its a good thing for Tosh, I'm not sure about Karol here though).

The similarity is uncanny.

Tosh is Power-Stache kind of funny - ever racist and painfully truthful.  He tells it like it is and doesn't apologize - for a metrosexual, he's rather manly.  And normally clean-shaven, I think he ought to keep the beard, although it doesn't work well with his 'am-I-gay-or-arent-I?' aura that he bank$ on.

Back to Karol, it looks like something Tosh would do on his show.  Why shouldn't a man of so many hats also wear a space helmet?  Ladies would be begging for his questionably kosher meat (yes I did just use kosher as a euphemism for straight. I don't know why anyone hasn't done so before).

And if you aren't familiar with the family-friendly program, he changes his attire on a regular basis - hoodies, button downs, deep-Vs, and collared shirts.  He is running out of types of shirts offered at american apparel, and recycling one's wardrobe isn't classy.  Before he starts accessorizing and sporting berets, I propose he wear a beard.  Were I an MD I'd prescribe it to every joe-schmoe that walked down the street, and Tosh here is no exception.  A beard would be his Side-Show Bob, his Robin, and carry his lame jokes written by movie writer dropout interns.

Cross your fingers and hope for everyones sake Tosh wears both a beard and a space helmet for the summer. Or double-breasted vests.
-bruiser

source

Boston Marathon

Marathon monday was such the shitshow.  Seriously, its Mardi Gras for Boston.  Bitches be so drunk they would have shown their boobs to anyone who asked.

But the marathon itself was great.  Although strongly lacking in the facial hair department - I'd sometimes wait 15 minutes before seeing another.  Unfortunately I missed a few individuals who I remember as absolute PERFEKTION because of the drunk asshole in front of me who decided it was cool to lean 8 feet over the railing.  Click on the album link to see all of the photos and leave a comment.

Boston Marathon

Not only is this picture great because she's totally vibing La Toya Jackson, but check out the best beard of the marathon behind her.

So this guy appears to be royally creeped out by me taking his picture. Calm yourself son, I'm just admiring your beard.

I hope I age as well as Mike here.  And I just noticed his kerchief - noicce!  Totally goes perfectly with his pants, which I have in black and white! Brother from another mother I'm sure.

Solo cups and a super moustache.

I think Movember should hold a run that way everyone must have a real or fake moustache.  That would hold my attention.

-bruiser

Nolte: From Studly to Creepy

Ignore my ignorance, but I don't really remember anything before 2002, so I never remembered Nick Nolte as either A) sane or B) attractive. 

Everytime I think about it, I still find it hard to believe he was ever attractive, since he has hobo smeared all over his face.  Let alone that he was People's Sexiest Man in 1992. Holy shit that means he's 69.  And due to the existence of Sean Connery, his age does not make it an excuse one bit.

Let us stop looking at the horror of your future and focus on his sexy, moustached past.

Sexy. As. Hell.  

Move over Brad Pitt [for the record, I have never thought Brad Pitt was sexy. at all. but I am speaking for the masses here].  This is the reason why I get so depressed - knowing the 70s are 40 years behind us! Back in the days when Nick Nolte knew what conditioner was,  not only did Nick Nolte look slammin', but every other Joe Schmoe looked just like this too.

As much as my mother begs to differ, the 70s were IDEAL and there will be 0 decades better than the 70s. And of course by the 70s I mean 1967-1977.  Flavor-savers and thick heads of hair abound!

Sometimes its better to die young and beautiful than old and stanky
-bruiser

Moustached Astronauts

So I spent a good two hours looking at the wikipedia pages of every astronaut listed.  I was surprised at how few Astronauts had mustaches (although a lot more had moustaches than had beards).  I counted about 13% of astronauts had moustaches, whereas about 15% of the current male population has moustaches.  And these photos span the moustache-heavy years too.  So strange.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you the best of the best of the men who work for NASA.

Every time I see this photo I get strangely girly inside.  Because I think that might be one of the best moustaches I have ever laid eyes on.  I do declare it Sam-Elliott-quality!
The shape, the color, the liplessness - so fucking IDEAL.
It's a shame such a glorious moustache died so young with David Griggs.  He was a dreamboat.

James Adamson shows off another terrific 'stache.  Not iconic in anyway, but really just right in every way possible.  And what a sexy suit!  I feel bad for the men and women who take their picture looking like either a criminal or a giant marshmallow.

Sherwood Spring sports such the BK combo - a luscious moustache and Nice Hair.  Zesty, I dare say.











If you happen to know an astronaut, encourage him to put down the razor.  We really need more moustaches in space.
-bruiser

Morrison: Sexy, Even in Death

I have been on such the Doors kick this week - thank god for youtube playlists!

Jim Morrison may have had the best voice in rock n' roll history - I haven't officially decided this yet, but he is definitely better than Robert Plant.  And the Doors were better than Zeppelin because they actually were about creating music and were completely original - now I love Zeppelin, but they were just trying to sell records and probably stole the largest number of songs in the history of forever. Bitches got away with violating that much intellectual property? I guess if it were me, I'd forgive Robert Plant too. But I don't forgive him for being old.

Jim was such an icon too - his style is enviable and so is his hair.  Although he has a really pretty face, I don't think he has any real sex appeal without his hair. Google it for yourself to see what I'm talking about - the hair made the man.  And it helps that he had the most perfect head of curls in the world (again, better than Robert Plant) - call them Adonis curls. Sexy as hell. Charlie Sheen can't beat that [whada douchebag].

And as I was taking google images to pound-town, I realized that James Roday is the reincarnation of Jim Morrison.  The similarity is insanely creepy.  It explains James's sexiness, and if he really was reincarnated, it explains why they both have bad attitudes.

And then there is Jim in a beard - such a fucking Stud. I personally think it's his best look, and because I believe in expressing your feelings via facial hair - his is screaming 'I don't give a fuck'.

And I often see many a man sporting a beard with short hair, which looks better than no beard, but I truly think many will find girls throwing themselves at them if they grew out their hair. Just an observation.

Too bad James Roday can't sing (as far as I'm aware)
-bruiser                                                                              source and source

Non-Awkward Artist

I had to save this photo from the cruelty of Awkward Family Photos commenters.  The question people need to ask about this photo is not, who is this man and what is he doing? but why are these girls so awkward? And why do they have stickers on their faces?  They must have been poorly behaved, hence the 'bitter' label.  I believe who ever doled out these stickers was showing favoritism - or is really trying to mindfuck with these kids by destroying their self-esteems and falsely boosting the self-esteem of the other.


It has already been decided by many that I am going to be in the running for bitchiest mom 2026, and this seems like the perfect way to punish my future offspring - both cruelly and unusually.

Now I know you are all dying to know about the man in the faux-foliage loin cloth.  What else is there possibly to know?  He appears to be some kind of performance artist - good for him for earning some cash by exposing impressionable kids to art instead of giving them meth in exchange for their allowance.
He may also be saving money by neither cutting his hair nor getting fake tans.
If I had that sexy bod, I'd walk around in some fruit-of-the-loom too.  Dude's got the flat belly that my free pilates instructor on youtube keeps telling me I can get, in just 2-3 weeks but I still am not seeing results.  Daniel Tosh can take a few tips from this guy, because I think he's still using the same instructor I am.

And his hair is still the best out of all four of them because he is the only one with curls.  I can't award him with best beard because none of the girls are of age yet to grow one, but he technically wins by default.

When I need some cash or to find my nirvanna, look for me - I'll be the chick wearing a knitted bikini, offering lessons for money.

-bruiser