Brian Wilson the Sea Captain

This just in from Lopez Tonight.  Brian Wilson is the jackass we all knew in highschool who pretended that he was better than everybody else (especially if you lived in Massachussetts at the time) but really just wanted acceptance by the cool kids.  Ignoring his pathetic adolescence that has led up to his pathetic (yet very high paying and successful - those things always seem to go hand in hand) adulthood, let's roll the clip cause it rates fairly on the hilarious scale!




Sea captain, eh?  It's actually a really great look and I'm totally digging it.  Brian Wilson, please don't go back to your Jersey Shore gettup.  Shit's just not kosher.

Speaking of seamen and epic beards (and daddy issues?), lets check out this completely serious advertisement for a Sea Captain dating website.  Oddly specific, but hey, if you're looking for a man with a boat, now you know where to look!



Ladies, if you are over all those fake guys at the bars just trying to get into your pants, date these socially defunkt old men who do not command yachts but still probably have some of their personality left, and definitely lots of their racism from the last time they were on dry land (aka the 1960s). [Visit seacaptaindate.com]

I expect invites to your weddings
-bruiser

Naked Ankles

January is naturally the time for dreaming of warmer and more fabulous places. Most of America is pretty miserable from December 26 through April 10th.  And since the grass is always greener in Europe, I'm pretending to want to move to Italy.

Now my personal vacation 4 years ago in Italy was a minidisaster - everything that could go wrong did.  And I have some of my fondest memories from that trip.  Please don't ask me about the gypsy story, that one is too horrifying for words.  So I won't actually be moving to Italy anytime soon  ever.  But this business man gives Italy a good rep [Photo from thesartorialist.blogspot.com].

The white pants and nautical blazer is a timeless look.  And for some sad reason, only Europeans are brave enough to go sockless with their loafers.  Look at all that leg he's giving us. Owow!

And this gentleman has embraced his baldness and gone for the Dome look.  See? I don't need to teach everyone how to look gud.  The shaved head really doesn't distract from his moustache.  And that moustache?  Well formed - in such a way that I can't imagine him without one.

He is using his moustache to his fullest advantage.  On him it is more of a daily accessory than an extension of his upper lip.  Much like his handkerchief or his cuff links.  The moustache totally makes the outfit.  Take notes hipsters.

-bruiser

Seeing McDouble

I am going to admit to being confused recently.  I am, in fact, a mere mortal, although I don't like to advertise it.  I must not pay any attention at all.

So I was watching the Capitals vs the Flyers and I was blown away - what was Claude Julien, of the Boston Bruins doing at the Capitals bench?  I was blown away and immediately googled the situation.

Who would have known it (likely everyone else besides me) that they are, in fact, two different peoples? Amazing, right?

Yes, they are two middle-aged white coaches who are bald and not the trimmest of folk.  Apparently thats where the similarities end, from what I can tell, but who would have known that?  Bald men are like people of a different race - they all look the same.

The pictures here should highlight the differences pretty well, although

Bruce Boudreau is slightly heavier.  Thats really the only definitive quality I can use to tell them apart. They're like the freaking Olsen twins: one is skeletal, and one is invisible if she turns sideways. Really slight differences.


And if you haven't been following the Flyers, you should all know Ville Leino's beard is looking fly.  Leino just happens to be #3 in +/-.

Don't tell me that it has nothing to do with the beard because it does.  And our homeboy Andrej Meszaros (also pictured) is #1 in +/-.  The beard is lucky for both of them.  It is totally back to playoff shape. Thats febreze fresh, mind you. Seriously Ville, call me.

-bruiser                                                                      

 [Images: http://www.sportsnet.ca/gallery/2010/01/01/julien_claude_gal_640.jpg, 

http://www.homermcfanboy.com/images/boudreau042210.jpg, Photo by Jim McIsaac]

Nice Model Hair

We all know by now that models, at least successful ones, do not have any freedom of expression and everything about the way they look is a part of their paycheck.  And usually, for men, that means short crew cuts.  Because short hair sells jeans. It's true!

Well ladies and gents, I came across a fashion photographer who likes to embrace the edgy and weird, the non-Ashton Kutchers of the model world. And do they have Nice Hair!

From the photographer Greg Kadel, I present Perfekt Curls and Wild Man!

Perfekt Curls is incredibly overtouched and overdone (hello designer bowtie!), and they did a great job because it makes a great photo. He just oozes classiness.  If you feel envious of his Apollo-like curls, remember that he looks like a greasy college frat kid with a mad case of bed-head when he's not on set.

Wild Man is the visual representation of every girl's bad-boy fantasy. The long hair and severe jaw line say it all. He looks like he could tackle a wolf, once he takes off his cashmere cable-knit, that is. The skunk pelt? Sexy as hell.
The funny thing is that whoever dressed him knows how to get a feeling across.  The details are laughable though.  Fake war medals? Crushed velvet? I think he might be the one who needs rescuing. He really should have a switch-blade in hand. It would counteract the girly wardrobe and scream Icelandic survivor man.

I hope anyone going out in the blizzard today has an Icelandic survivor man on call.
-bruiser

Moustached Water Polo Anyone?

I have water on the brain.  Because I associate water with warm weather, where I am just sucks.  I even travelled today...from cold to colder. My apartment is bitchin' hot, but I wont get into that right now.  So to warm up our souls (besides using my roommates electric kettle. seriously the only good thing the bitch is good for) by looking at fit men in ridiculous outfits and awesome moustaches.

The Croatian water polo team had all its members jump on the moustache love train at one point in time, and let's just remember it as one of the society's finer points in history.

The middle athlete looks like he belongs in Clue.  You're in the library with candlesticks? Be right thurr.

But seriously they might be making fun of the coach? I put that in italaks cause I literally have no clue, but I do know that the coach is at the start of this craze, directly or indirectly.  The man is passionate about two three things in life: water polo, staches, and salt n' peppa. Yes, in that order.

Things I'm passionate about? #4, the profile of the man standing behind #11, and #11 - in that order.

I still loathe summer.
-bruiser

Someone Who Doesn't Have a Case of the Babies

Have you seen every headline in the past 3 weeks?  Every woman in the California area code has caught embryotitis, and that includes Owen Wilson. Did we ever have any doubts? Rhetorical question.

So as a little bit of relief from pregnant women and men, lets take a look at someone who isn't going to have children for, like, ever: Zac Efron.

If you aren't catching on, here's what I'm trying to say: the girly-man is into dudes. I don't have very good gay-dar, but it goes off like a fire alarm when I see Zac Efron. And at the very least, he is into backup dancers. I can totally see him pulling a Britney and dating a super-tall black chick. That would be awesome.

And his facade of a girlfriend won't ever put out babies for him because that's not in her contract. Plus, gross....So, let's make fun of his stache for 5 seconds.

That poof is so far from cute right now.  And please take off those shades.  There are two purposes of wearing reflective aviators, and your life fulfills neither: starring on Reno 911! or looking at girls. So stop.  And I don't know who you think you are with that mustache.

Seriously, I don't know you are trying to be. No one looks that bad. Shave it off and start the end of your career as Justin Bieber's dad on Disney. Nickelodeon doesn't want you or your lack of skillz.

My guess for real is that he'll be on a game show? The Price is Right in 12 years? He'd totally be down for a Baywatch re-make. Someone get on that to save poor Zac's career!

-bruiser

Image from Dlisted.com

Party Time! Excellent!

Well...football is nearly over. That means that baseballs only 8 months away! Never too soon to start thinking about next years facial hair's and no-hitters. And in the spirit of New Years lasting all month long (or is it just my hangover?) I present to you a guy that knows how to party:

Yes....I am telling you that all you really need to have a proper fiesta is long hair and some rad shades. With those two things, you will be invincible! The frat party hero [still powerless against fire, falling, and ugly chicks. You've been warned].

If you need to get into the spirit of partying, sing to yourself (the volume is up to you) 'I've got 5,000 dollars!' while waving your arms above your head (preferably with sunglasses and long hair). Sets the mood every time.

-bruiser

The Voice of Gold Has a Moustache

Ted Williams is amazing.  In case you don't know what angels sound like, watch this.  And People.com is getting on his case and digging up dirt on him. In case you didn't watch the video in its entirety, he mentions drug and alcohol in his past.  So it's nothing new.  And People.com - you suck. The only benefit of that stupid story was that I got to see his amazing moustache and jerry curl combo:

Ted Williams excels and voice acting, and when it comes to moustaches, it is no different. There is no sight of a crustache anywhere to be found.  Seriously, 2011 is going to be a great year.

Ted Williams is the Sam Elliott of black homeless men. Or radio DJs. Fact.

-bruiser

White Footballers and Long Hair Don't Mix

This revelation was not something I was anticipating. I think that everyone looks good in long hair. Well, not everyone. [See: the amazing kenny]

Yesterday was the Rose Bowl - TCU vs Wisconsin.  TCU looked better in their Barney-purple uniforms, and hence they were victorious at the end of the day.  Also what helped TCU was that they didn't have a white guy on their team looking like a fool.

At first sight I thought he was the most awesome player on the field.  His locks were long and lush, with perfect ringlets that looked like they came from a curling iron. I'm a sucker for curls.  But when I googled him, I was unpleasantly surprised.

Blake Sorensen is a typical football player kind of guy, and that is why he looks bad in long hair. I don't blame the guy, most atheletes look better with crew cuts.  New rule: if you fall between the spectrum of the amazing kenny and a football player, you probably look alright in long hair.

Here is to 2011 bringing us more Nice Hairs and distacheters!
-bruiser       

[Images: here and here]