UTOPIA

So its summer time again. If you forgot how I felt about summer, please reread my 'Ode to Summer'.

I don't like it when its humid, and I don't like being in air conditioning. And I DO NOT like shorts - THE DEVIL'S CLOTHING I TELL YOU! DARKSIDED!!

Long story short, I was uncomfortable (when am I not? 1st world problems…) and was thinking about all the things I would change to make my personal Utopia. 

Rule #1 - No pants. None. Skirts are permitted (for both genders. I'm serious - they are both comfortable AND practical!)

Rule #2 - Beards. Everyone should have one. Men, women, and children. How hilarious would it be to see little gnome children running around? (And I'm joking about the women and children part. But it would certainly make my Utopia EPIC)

Rule #3 - *TITTIES* That means no shirts. I don't want to wear a bra and you don't want me to wear a bra? What a radical idea!

So, basically my utopia is a nudist colony but you can wear skirts if you so desire. No one wants sunburn down there. I'm serious about the practical part. Easy access? Yes please.

Those are the only rules that I thought worthwhile in my Utopia. I should be joining a hippie commune, I know, I know. But I am certain that this is for the best and that it be mandatory instead of voluntary. 

While wearing skirts would aid the "I'm a woman but have to pee every 30 minutes" issue [I realize that pants aren't a normal issue for civilized women but when you are outside as much as I am with Nature as your bathroom, you begin to understand that it IS an issue. Example: termites. Do not pee on termites. Just don't fucking do it.] there are just more perks to being a guy than to being a girl. Having boobs is REALLY NICE. It's fucking awesome is what it is, but that doesn't properly compensate us for the shit we get put through, and 1/3 of those issues IS having boobs.

There are still issues with my Utopia. #1 problem? Men. Just can't help the poor bastards. We love to look at you and, yes, there is some necessity to the male gender, but some of you guys just fuck everything up. Guys fucking shit up is, in fact, a woman's favorite topic of convo (Ok, its really not that big of a deal but us poor females are prone to dramatic, over exaggerations).

I know, you are thinking: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BRUISER? I'm close.

But wait, being a man is better, but they are also the problem? [I do not expect you to follow my stream of consciousness, since I have been working outside for nearly 200 hours this month, I have a lot of time to think about stupid shit like this so trust me]

STICK WITH ME GUYS I'M ALMOST THERE...

SOLUTION: Everyone should be born female….and then have a spontaneous sex change around menopause and turn into a man! So many of life's issues are now magically fixed, here are the top 10 reasons why my ludicrous idear is actually genius:

#1: Everyone gets to have b00bs! You get them taken away eventually, but you get to have your own! Plus by that age you wouldn't want them anymore. No more boob cancer!

#2: By the same token - Everyone gets to have a dick! You get a dick, and You get a dick, and Youuu get a dick! Developing balls later in life? No more ball cancer! Bonus!

#3: Aging is no longer a problem. Those wrinkles that you fret about at 40? You have just turned into a devilishly-handsome Cary Grant, congratulations. and Scha-wing!

#4: You get to experience sex as a man and a woman. Probably not appealing to most, but if you tell me you aren't the least bit curious you ARE A GODDAMN LIAR.

#5: Younger women and older men. Everyone wins. Too easy.

#6: Puberty is essentially a non-issue. And teenage years would be much easier to handle with just girls. Significantly less crying I think.

#7: Didn't like who you were when you were younger? Make mistakes, or just get a shitty hand at life? Guess what! You can do it all over again! It's like a second chance at everything.

#8: Men and women would finally fucking respect each other. I realize how ironic this sounds since I was man-bashing a few paragraphs ago, but I complain about women enough, trust me. 

#9: Which means, less rape, domestic violence, etc. (Sorry for being a Debbie Downer guys but it is totally a valid reason)

#10: Everyone can have a beard if they want one. And I want one. 

Well, I need one to keep all my secrets.

Yeah, so if the world were intelligently designed, this is how it would have freaking gone down. DA END.

And that's it for me folks. If you need me, I'll be the topless, barefoot, dirty, skirt-wearing hippie.

-bruiser

Give the nerds a little respect!!

America loves nerds. We dumb folk love that there are people smart enough to figure shit out like iphones and bombs and shit. We also love to hate on them to make ourselves feel better. And Hollywood figured that one out early and has given us a lot of great dorks. What we end up with is a lot of geeks without a chance in hell of getting the girl (you know the deal: glasses, buttoned polos, guys whiter than mayonnaise... )

Poor dudes! But it turns out its all Hollywood magic (for some).

Remember him? Kip Dynamite! Practically the biggest geek ever.

Well, turns out he's a hottie (with possibly the nicest ginger beard ever, I might add).

And his awesome brother, Napoleon Dynamite?

[I realize not everyone gets off on the mouth-breathing, wire-rimmed glasses and jew fro look like I do]

Yeah, totally hottie too.

What a fucking stache! And keep rocking the mane, dude. It's a fucking mess, but if you got it, flaunt it. The sex hair might not be a coincidence - he is probably getting copious amounts of ass from horny nerd girls. Get it!

He does make an adorable nerd though.

[I love the Benchwarmers so this one is simply for your viewing pleasure]

Guess what? Not a nerd. 

Possible nerd:

And my favorite nerd of all time? Garth Algar, obvi

He makes me feel funny inside, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. Scha-wing.

Everyone like nerds, but everyone loves a hot nerd. They're so educated&shit.

-bruiser

Overpriced, Sexy-Casual

Some people scour magazines or lady-sites like theBerry looking for hot dudes. I always go right for the Sartorialist when I'm in need of a hot dude (or 2).

The title of this post was 'If You're Thinking About...The Perfect Summer Outfit for a Man'. Sartorialist, you should thank me for editing this for you. NEEDED to be done.

Where to start? The guy on the left is a little too hot, if thats possible. He totally looks like he belongs in one of those Chase credit card commercials, or, here's an idea, a real movie? Standing there so casually with his shades, in his fashionably large pants, cigarette in hand, while carrying a very expensive bag. Oh Sartorialist, where do you find these people? And how do you find so many? 

The first thing I noticed was the hair (obvi). Those are very beautiful heads of hair. And the perfect, manicured scruff! The tattoos were probably the easiest part of constructing their respective images - you only have to get them once. If it were me, I'd get at least twice as many. But that's just personal opinion. I like tattoos. 

I get the feeling that it costs a lot to be that causally sexy. Probably more than I make in a year, and while I weep here over economics, I can at least look back at these handsomely constructed figures to make myself feel better.

I'm not sure if I want to be them or be on them. (Sorry I'm not sorry).

-bruiser

Sorority girl rant on head-straps

Some things I will never understand.

Example A: what is the motivation to grow a full head-strap?

Some men still think it is acceptable to grow a chin-strap (here's a clue: it's not). And some of those fools think its okay to grow a strap all around your head so it looks like your breaching your mom's bushy vagina. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

SINNERS! you all need Jesus.

THE FUCK is wrong with you? There have been bad staches, and there have been failstaches here, but there are NONE worse than this. NONE MANY.

And its not just the tool above who thought this was a good idea: 

(side note: the fact that this douche missed the chin-strap concept is HILARIOUS. Distachter x1000)

I get it, some people miss their elementary arts classes and just need to express themselves. Believe me, I GET IT. Cornrows are a great tool to experiment with. Moustaches make excellent canvases for masculine creativity. But CONNECTING YOUR FUCKING NECK HAIR TO YOUR RECEEDING HAIRLINE IS NOT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME OR THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PLACE TO BE "CREATIVE". SHIT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING KOSHER, SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT. JACKASS.  


If you have one of these (as inspired by my favorite sorority girl Rebecca Martinson) let me ask you to punch yourself in the face right now so I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.


That's enough of the internet for today.
-bruiser

Brett Keisel's Beard, Take 2

During my absence, Brett Keisel shaved his iconic beard. It's okay since it was for charity, but Brett - never again. I'm serious.

Here is what he looks like sans-glory:

And with the beard as the world was meant to be:

I don't know why his beard isn't the biggest deal on the internet. It's pretty much the biggest deal in my life - I MEAN FUCKING LOOK AT THAT LUSH FACIAL HAIR.  I'm certain it feels like chinchilla fur.  

I think this is a good opportunity to diskuss the power of the beard. The above picture shows a regular guy. He looks like your brother's roommate. Nice, but nbd. But when you see him with a beard, he levels up to 11 and becomes über-football-sex-god. That is the power of the beard. Its the difference between being and not being pregnant. Because beards are the #1 cause of pregnancy - thats the fact, jack. 

But I'm klarly not the only one who feels this way - many people responded by photoshopping the famous beard onto other people/objects: Enjoy!

-bruiser

Deer This Guy:

So there is an artist from China who has worn a deer mask every day for the last 4 years.

Luo Dan started wearing the mask and became addicted to its 'therapeutic properties'. He says the deer is a 'tame animal'. 

I'm calling BULLSHIT. You know this dude is from China cause he has never seen deer in his life. Those things are NOT tame - they are wild-ass, shifty-eyed motherfuckers who are out to get you. If they don't destroy your car, they will kick you in the head and kill you. Luo Dan has no idea of what an aggressive statement he is making. If he were in America, he'd become instant target practice. Too easy.

Read the full story here.

[Full disclosure I have been shit on by a deer. True story.]

-bruiser

She has funny dreams

Life can be stressful sometimes. And sometimes people are on drugs. Either of these people will have fucked up dreams, and if you fall in the the middle of the venn-diagram, you are screwed my friend.

Recently I had one such dream.

Scene: Leaving a billionaire's house party.
Situation: Everyone gets a monetary party-gift (sounds awesome, right?)
What happened to me: I grab a gift card. For $200,000. Even better, right? Wrong.

It was to KFC. $200,000 gift card to fucking KFC.

Now I don't eat at KFC, although this isn't the problem. I would totally eat at KFC for free for the rest of my life (51 years, give or take, of an 8 piece bucket combo for the rest of my life). But why the fuck would I do that? I want the money, not free chicken (even though fried chicken is the best chicken #fact).

I debated my options. I could be a philanthropist and donate it to a food shelter. Or I could be a dick and sell it to a church (read: Baptist) at a discounted rate, which is slightly generous. Or I could be even more of a dick and buy a store. Or 3.

Or I could sell it to Dave Grohl. He loves that shit.

I don't think I've ever been more intrigued by a hypothetical situation, ever.
Here's to fucked up shit.
-bruiser

PS - the drug dream was in reference to the time I was on malaria pills. woah.

Facial Hair Equality

Sometimes I seem to forget that I am not the only person who likes the stache (and beards, etc.). So I tend to write things from my (female) perspective. But that completely ignores the other - sometimes facially haired - sex that is also attracted to mustachios and the like. So this post is for all the dudes out there that love facial hair as much as I do!

Because what could be better than a man with excellent facial hair? Two men with excellent facial hair. 

It's science people.

Power-Stache supports equality for all people with and without hair.
-bruiser

Talking about chest hair, talking about crazy cool medallions

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We've got a great post for you tonight. This is my blog. This is a no-nonsense blog. Let's get down to business.

If you didn't get the reference, check out SNL's Barry Gibb Talk show, its hilarious:

Good Aussie gods of golden lamé, I love the Bee Gees. What isn't there to love about them?

Disco was by far the most epic (and fabulous!) era of pop-culture and these guys were on top. Which means that they are still #winning.

Pop quiz: the Bee Gees are not sexy gods of disco because A) their long, lustrous manes, B) their beards, C) their abundance of chest hair, D) their tight pants, E) their falsettos, G) their crazy, cool medallions, F) their australian accents, G) again, their tight pants.

So in summary, SUPER sexy (plus for brothers they don't all look identical so theres a little something for everyone, amiright? Or in my case, 3 for me! Kidding! but not really.)

I'm pretty sure if I was walking down the street in the 70s and I saw a guy (seriously any guy) wearing a shiny track suit with his tits out (not literally, I mean his chest hair) and pants that tight, I'd think 'he's got balls; I KNOW he has balls because I can literally SEE them'.

...And then I'd probably take him home cause apparently I'm a hypothetical whore, since this is a hypothetical situation. [Obviously this would be pre-AIDS epidemic, but at least its not the SIV, amiright? No?]


 I have no discretion. Sorry I'm not sorry.
-bruiser

Dave Grohl is the Man

Let's have a conversation about how awesome Dave Grohl is.

Not only does he front the Foo Fighters, but he was in fucking Nirvana dude.

Not only does he have musical skillz but he has hair skillz too! I love that he has kept the rocker mane. Too many rockers go bald whimp out (technically he whimped out once but he's back now so its all cool). Plus he has a sick beard. If the most beautiful goatee and a 5 o'clock shadow made a baby, it was Dave Grohl. Such a juicy combo.
Plus Plus he offers super Cosmopolitan-quality grooming tips:

Stay sexxxy Dave.

-bruiser

Who says beards aren't practical?

Not only do beards attract women (and men), but they are practical as well. They keep your face warm, save food for later, save water, are style/trend staples (i'm looking at you lumberjacks and hipsters!), and are necessary pieces in the best costumes. But competitive beard grower Chad Roberts has taken it to another fucking level.

I saw this originally on Buzzfeed, Chad Roberts is El Capitan and Minister of Information for RVA Beard League (which is so proximate to my current location! ...Must...Find!).

The fuck. He made his beard into a fucking fanny pack! Yes, I realize normal people use backpacks, but fanny packs are way more practical. Believe me. Plus they look awesome. I really need to know if it is the American or British fanny it originally refers to, but I digress.

Who carries beers in their beard? Genius I tell you.

I want this man to be my Christmas tree. I never knew how to incorporate beards into Christmas but clearly I've been looking at it the wrong way my entire life. Thank you again school for making me think inside the box. Kids, this is why you should do drugs.

-bruiser

Reality TV

Until recently, I've never been crazy about TV. Through college I didn't own one, so I only watched what I could on hulu. But now I get free cable (thanks overpriced rental agreement) and I can't get enough and its melting my fucking brain.

Can you guess what my newest obsession is? Of course you can and of course its Duck Dynasty.

Their beards are everything I've ever dreamt of. Who knew that I needed to travel to bumblefuck Louisiana to find them?

This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of reality TV. I've seen Pawn Stars, I've seen those damn fishing shows. I didn't get it. I didn't give a crap about those people or what they were doing for a living but holy god do I give so many fucks about the Duck Dynasty family. It has everything a girl could want: long haired men, beards, guns, and fucking ducks.

So fucking majestic.

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you I was a huge fan of the 'I'm slightly famous and want to be more famous so look at my stupid fake life' reality TV. I was really into Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I just loved the strippers (I mean, who doesn't love the strippers?). I also was really into Keeping up with the Kardashians but not because I like Kim (she has a fat ass but she's disgusting), but because I love Scott Disick.

What isn't there to love about Lord Disick? He is the realest thing on the show (and yes, he got Kourtney pregnant and is now making loads of money off of it) but he doesn't take the Kardashians seriously and sees them for the joke that they are. But he has so much $wag its not even funny.

I think he represents the other half of my personality - the half that is always battling my Duck Dynasty half. Hence, I end up being a semi-shaven, occasionally showered, but all kinds of sexy woman #fact. And no that's not a joke, I actually have that much self-confidence. 

The other great thing about Scott is that he can (sometimes) grow decent facial hair. It really looks good on him (sexxxy scruff!), but I am 100% sure he is too much of a pussy bitch to grow a real beard. So I will continue to watch Duck Dynasty (and Vikings looks awesome - something to dull the pain while Game of Thrones is on hiatus, am I right?). I'm pretty sure that's all I need in life (pathetic I know).

I'm back bitches!

-bruiser