Writers Have Boring Staches

Peter Ackroyd, critic and biography author, is probz a smart guy. Well, he knows more things than are on Wikipedia (not in sum, that would be whack). And from the two english classes I've taken, I have the understanding that critics are important? The only thing they've ever done for me is give me quotes for papers and waste hours of my life. I mean, that shits bor-ing! But lets venture on under the assumption that they are, in fact, of some importance.

One of his most recent works was "Canterbury Tales - A Retelling". A Retelling? Really? Cause that shit wasn't painful enough to digest the first time around? I'll be honest here, I am a nerd through and through, and I happen to be a fan of some really 'boring' books. So you can believe me when I say its boring, cause it was. And I don't expect any of you to run out to your local library trying to prove me wrong (bonus points if you know where your local library is).

I don't think even I could retell Canterbury Tales in an interesting and captivating way. Not when there's works of art like The Simpsons on every week. Bruiser's retelling would only pale in comparison.

So now that you know everything you need to know about Peter Ackroyd, lets diskuss. Sports anchor stache? Maybe...reminds me of Chris Berman. But that might be the balding. Or the fat. They all blend so well. The plaid suit is unique - that's not a mistake you see everyday.

I'll just lump it into the 'fat man stache' category. They're all essentially the same anyway.

I realize that I said it before, but writers are just so dull! I totally believe that they lead lively and exciting lives, but even PAck couldn't get a heartbeat out of this one. Perhaps his biographies are interesting. I could see that. If you're into that sort of thing.

-bruiser

Flyers Movember Update

So apparently Movember is the trendiest trend since buying lunch at school. That should get rid of the hipsters!

Many of the players have committed to growing moustaches for men's health awareness. But seriously, Keith Jones can't shut up about it, and its blowing up my Facebook newsfeed. This is in addition to Hartnell recently donating his hair to Locks of Love.

And it turns out it isn't going as well as they anticipated. Watch the video below to see what 2 weeks growth looks like for these guys:



Now part of the tradition of Movember is that heinous mustaches are celebrated, as well as the great moustaches we've come to expect. Short story, Carle and Carcillo have the weakest moustaches. This is ironic, because Carcillo has his own t-shirt with the slogan "Fear the Stache". Betts, Richards and Hartnell have the strongest moustaches so far. My bet on best stache is Hartnell, and has been from day 1. So far he hasn't dissapointed.

And here is a video of a few people with a poor sense of humor.



Making fun of the stache, really? You look like a dumbass. Take that stupid thing off and put those fake staches back in your bag, Giroux clearly wants nothing to do with them.

But if my hunch is correct, Canadians, and therefore 99% of hockey players have weak stache skillz. Can't wait to see how this grows in.

-bruiser

Psych and Epic Actor Throwbacks

My favorite show has been neglected for too long. There are about a billion reasons why Psych is the best show ever created, but I'll give you a run-down of the most interesting (and sometimes moustached!) characters. Party on!

Woody the Coroner (played by Kurt Fuller) is my favorite character. Russell is also my favorite character in Wayne's World. [Actor throwback #1] I actually squeal when Shawn and Gus hit up the morgue. Ah, obsessions are good for the soul.

Sorry Dulé, your velvety voice and superior head shape do bring you into a *very* close second. I met the very Chocolate Columbo in person recently, and he does not disappoint. Incredibly charismatic, and the man can say 'whaaat' like no ones business.
And look how awesome this episode is going to be this season! Ovaltine Jenkins sports not only a mustache but an afro as well! I don't know how he got by my Black People Month post, but keep an eye out for the Jackal next year.

Chris Sarandon played Ashton Bonaventure and is by far the most interesting man in the world. I mean, his name is Bon-aventure. Anyone with that name immediately increases in interestingness.  Look at how skillfully he balances the world in his hands! And you know how I feel about full hair at that age. Even Shawn admits that it is superior to his own locks. Definitely one guest star I wouldn't mind seeing return. There is never enough silver in the world. Just sayin'.




Jon Gries looks familiar, no? Thats because he's fucking Uncle Rico. [Actor throwback #2] Yes the very same seller of nylon polymer. The amazing thing about this photo is, Uncle Rico looks so normal and uncle-y! He could be your uncle. Watch your back, if your uncle also looks like this he might peg you in the face with a juicy steak.


Your uncle might be an Uncle Rico if he meets these qualifications: 1) has a moustache, 2) played football, 3) is/was a salesman, and/or 4) is Jon Gries.

Cary Elwes returned for the season premier as Pierre Despereaux, notorious art thief. If Chris Sarandon is the most interesting man in the world, Pierre might be the fanciest man in the world. His moustache certainly qualifies him for fancy stateus! Or maybe to play a part in Fancy Feast commercials? I'm not ragging, I've heard there's good money in cat commercials. Plus, he looks so educated&shit.

And guess what? Another mind-blowing connection! [Actor throwback #3 & #4] Both Chris Sarandon and Cary Elwes were in Princess Bride! It's a good thing that these two weren't in the same episode, shit would have imploded (because according to Dulé, it's better in the inside. Honest to god quote), someone would have been stabbed, and moustaches would have been sacrificed. Not cool.

So watch Psych on Wednesdays at 10 (on USA) and see what kind of hilarious trouble Shawn and John Jacob Jingley-Schmidt will get into. And keep bringing the epic guest stars.

-bruiser

Sports Anchors

Here's the thing about sports anchors/announcers/commentators: they are (usually) retired atheletes who are fat, balding, and out of shape.

Now Chris Berman was not an athelete, but is old, fat, and balding. You say, so what? This happens to everyone.

The point I'm making is that these men are lacking moustaches. Chris Berman had a moustache for a period of time recently - at that point he was guy with moustache. Once he shaved it, he became old, fat announcer guy. A moustache is like a guy's makeup - it hides your flaws and/or distracts from them.

Okay, so he has clearly lost some weight and stopped hitting the tanning bed and gained a few hair plugs. But otherwise, left Chris Berman still looks a whole lot more trustworthy and professional than right Christ Berman. If you have ever been at a loss for an example where moustaches decrease one's creepiness factor, here it is. 

For the sake of all you sportsfans out there, here's hoping Berman's stache comes back.

-bruiser

The man that grows a Mo is only content when all are content.

Hail the Crustache! Free at Last!

We can all stop holding our breath because yesterday Weezy was released from Rikers Island Prison. I mean about freaking time. It has been a long 8 months. And you will all be pleased to know his crustache hasn't left him for another handsomely-tattooed face.

How I've missed that crustache! And chin hair. It's so good to know that nothing has changed - Weezy doesn't miss a beat. Straight back to work - cigar in hand - you know thats the only way to get things done. Cause he's a straight up G.

I'm curious as to how he dealt with codeine withdrawal while in jail. We know that no one was slipping him water bottles of the cherry-flavored good stuff, but for all we know, thats what's in that glass next to him.

His braids have seen better days, something that I am sure is on his posse's to-do list. Let me rephrase that - it is something that better be on his posse's to-do list. You can't let your boy go to court lookin' like he just did hard-time. Oh wait.

Don't fuck it up weezy. We don't have another 8 months to spare you.

-bruiser

A man that grows a Mo is selfless and believes looking out for your fellow gentleman is something you do, not something you must do.