Distacheter has struck again!

So remember that really cool guy Viggo Mortensen? The one from that semi-successful movie, Lord of the Rings? Well, he is also a stache felon. One of the most heinous crimes one can do a face, next to throwing acid and most plastic surgeries.

So I dug up this gem at some point over the last few months and it is clearly not a recent picture – but it is awful enough to bring up for proper discourse.

Did you see the size of that thing? Were it just a mustache, I’d be cool with it. It would fall under the category of hipsterism for 50 year olds, which I “get”. But no, chin hair is included. View them together – it’s a mushroom stache. Do you see it?
There are two things wrong with this ‘mushroom stache’. For one, I do not like mushrooms. Secondly, facial hair should never look like food. That’s what flavor-savers are for.

Not only that, but Viggo is clearly in denial about his foxiness. Silver fox, that is. I’m guessing he was originally a redhead from his choice of hair dye and freckles. Didn’t we discuss all the reasons why redheads are bad? Why would you want to cover up your silver hair with all that ugly red? And what a poor dye-job! And an all around crappy hair cut. You sir, need a new hair stylist.

Please go back to creeping in pubs and aiding small men in need of defense, sans chin hair. Then we will chat.

-bruiser

Lip Warmers May Be Necessary

So I didn't post on sunday because I was snowed in with my lovely family.  In the spirit of all things wintry - Curling! By far the best of the winter sports. When are they going to make it for the Wii?

'Winners of the Grand Challenge Cup for 1906'

These men are so manly it's not even funny. Palmade was such a great invention, I don't know why men have stopped using it.  These ice- and broom-wielding gentlemen all have different neckwear - so classy! It appears that one of the curling partnerships uses moustaches for good luck charms.  And I find it humorous that they use normal house brooms, but it was 1906 after all.

To men staying classy in 2011,
-bruiser

Have a Burly Christmas

It's Christmas Eve!  I've been so excited about various things that I've forgotten how awesome it is going to be to get my classy moustache themed gifts from Santa Claus!  With the most admired beard of all time (next to Jesus) let us just pay tribute to the delivery man who slaves after all of our fondest wishes.  Fed-Ex guy - quit your bitching. At least you truck doesn't smell like 12 reindeer asses.  Oh...it does? Then commence with the bitching.

Do you see how classy this man is? How has he been able to keep his beard so tame and pure for so long? And smoking a pipe for all of eternity and never getting lung cancer - the magic of christmas!

-bruiser

Image here

Don't Fear the Bald!

Fashion and sports aren’t normally in the same sentence [see last week and every sports anchor in the business]. However, on occasion, sports enthusiasts are also fashionistas. Behold Kevin Stewart of ESPN:

This man lives and breathes Barneys, Armani Xchange, and sports. He is completely into himself – I mean obvi. But when you look gud, you are allowed. And when your beard is dope, you are also allowed. The array of colors in the beard is astounding. Its like a rainbow of grayscale coming out of his face. He’s inked up and wearing vintage chucks. I personally hate chucks, but he rocks them. And he rocks being bald.

Baldness is clearly a topic I’ve avoided here, but lets diskus. Some men can’t help it – what was once a lawn of neatly cultivated hair follicles is a locally extinct habitat. But take it with grace and style – shave the little hair you might have left. This is especially important for those with pattern baldness. The belt of untrimmed hair growing around the center of your cranium is not attractive and does not make people believe that you do have hair. It simply draws attention to the fact that you are missing hair on top and don’t get hair cuts with large enough frequency. So men, if you are faced with this dilemma, shave it all. If you simply have a receding hairline, a good alternative for you is to buzz your hair. Buzzed hair gives the same effect of baldness, especially if you are white and don’t have a dome.

Kevin Stewart has a dome. Generally most black men do. Dule Hill also has a magical dome – I’ve seen it in person, it really doesn’t disappoint. In truth, it is a work of art that would make Michelangelo weep.

I realize this is long so heres the summary: sports anchors need to burn ALL of their damn ties and get a wife who actually knows a thing about fashion. Kevin Stewart is awesome, having lush hair is enviable, but there comes a time in every mans life (see Sean Connery) that the bald or buzzed look should and must be rocked, and bald domes are beautiful. If you have a dome, call me.

-bruiser 

Hungry for Mutton Chops?

Oh hot damn. Who ever thought that anyone outside of a Jane Austin film could look good rocking mutton chops? Well the guy who I walked by every day last year couldn't, but one of the greatest presidents certainly has:

Theodore Roosevelt circa 1880 in his Harvard days.  Here is evidence that once upon a time not every guy who came out of Harvard looked like Mark Zuckerberg.  Oh, the days before scholarships and free-rides!  Harvard, you have really backpedaled. But seriously, he must have driven the feminists WILD back in the day. And we all know that his story doesn't end with mutton chops!

That moustache! It's like 1/2 of Sam Elliott's stache, but far superior to most moustaches.  You know when he made a metaphor about 'carrying a big stick' he really meant 'wear an awesome moustache'.  Why do you think Hitler had one? Persuasive? That's an understatement.

-bruiser

Image courtesy of The Frisky and http://bit.ly/eOnJnA

Don't Underestimate Weather Appropriate Dress

So lately its been cold as fuck.  And my heat in my apartment is going shit house crazy - there is never any relief!  Which brings up a good point - if one is dressed appropriately, cold weather isn't so cold!

And that is nawt something that Doug Drabek needs to learn! Man has got it covered. From the socks (presumably white in color, although blak looks so gud!) to the pin stripes (fact: patterned prints keeps you warmer than solid colors. Those hippies must have been toasty!) to the jacket and the fuzzy hat.  And we cant forget the lip warmer! Seriously, I could use one of those. 

Moustaches: an evolved thermo-regulator.  

-bruiser

Not on my Christmas List

[Looking for something Classy? Try this]

There appears to be a moustache sensation shaving the nation. And we don't have to take the bad with the good. No one wants that. Point out crap for what it is: crap. 

So the items below are the things that I will NAWT be asking for this Christmas.

Seriously what is this crap? I blame it on the hipsters. Take it from the top!

1. Mustached Chef Oven Mit - this was actually a postcard from the olden days, so thank gawd its not in production anymore. Oven mits are fugly to begin with, don't make it worse.

2. Set of 4 Mustache Placemats - I get the whole etsy thing - you don't have any real life skills so you make handy crafts and try to support yourself. But....just stop it. That thing is so hein it makes me want to vom. Not only is that the worst mustache I have ever seen, but you can't actually use spandex fabric for a placemat. Sheen is always inappropriate for the table.

3. Urban Outfitter's Carstache - Two things: first, it just looks stupid and you deserved to be mocked for driving and paying $40 for that POS. Secondly, its gross. Can you just imagine all of the dirt and bugs and rain and mold that will be on it after driving around with it for a few days? There's a reason only interiors use cloth. Get the net.

4. My Mustached Friend the Bear Hand Towel - Again with the handmade crafts. Stop it. Hand towels are meant to dry my hands, not to entertain. If I wanted to achieve both, I would get a dyson airblade. That shits awesome.

5. Fake Beards - It just draws attention to the fact that you don't have a beard, like toupees. 

6. Mustache Hair Pin - Because most girls can't grow a mustache, they think its okay to wear it in any form possible. Wearing a mustache in your hair is not okay and looks kindof dangerous. 

7. Mustache Shot Glasses - Not classy. Rather trashy. No longer available from UO, and for good reason.

8. Beardhead - The fastest way to make you look the tool that you are. What about Snuggies? They take longer to ship.

9. Mustache on a Stick - For girls appurantly. FYI, you look stupid.

10. Fingerstache - See also moustache bandages. I have better things to do than decorate my skin with plastic mustaches, thanks. 

11. Mustache Snowglobe - Really not Christmas-y at all. #xmasrelevancyfail

12. Mustache Pillow Covers - Have you ever had a shitty pillow cover? Your face needs a pillowcase that is more into you than it is into itself.

13. Mustache Keychain - Looks like a dumbass dog toy. You better drive a POS if you have that keychain.

14. Mustache Love Ring - Again, mustaches are not meant for jewelry. Shits not manly enough.

15. Mustached Fruit Badges - Fruit neither have faces nor wear mustaches. Don't force it upon them. They clearly are more into beards!

16. Famous Mustaches Mug - As much as I love being educated&shit as I drink from my cups, it doesn't teach me anything I don't already know and is for the amateur moustachist.

17. Flair Hair - Oh boy. So baldies want to wear something that looks like your daughters teddy bear on your head and pretend that you aren't bald? When we can see your natural hair on your sideburns and face? Grow a pair.

18. Chris Mascarenas Shirt - The design is awesome but the shirt is hein and kindof scary.

No thanks.

-bruiser

'Tis the Season: Awkward Xmas Cards

What a cute christmas card! Not!
You're all probably begging me to stop the awkwardness! But no! Nevah!

So here's Bruiser's story behind this one:

-Hey honey. We got another christmas card from the Wrights. Looks like Bill still hasn't gotten over his fear of cameras.
-Don't mock the poor man... He was raised by Koalas you know... they die if you take a picture of them...
-Are you serious?
-As serious as a Koala that's just had its picture taken - Dead serious.

Happy Hanukah!
-bruiser

Brian Wilson's Masshole Beard

My Bro-in-law sent me this video. And is this guy hilarious - he's like a living, breathing and athletic Bruiser.

Jim Rome sounds like a tool. He tried to keep up with Wilson's beard but couldn't. Goatees are usually inept at keeping up with full beards or lavish mustaches - don't try it at home.

Wilson's beard inspirations are the Dos Equis Guy and Chuck Norris. And if you happen to hate this guy, but can't put your finger on it, I can tell you why - he's a Masshole.  I am surrounded by natives of MA frequently, and although none of my peers have been Massholes, which I hear are the worst kind of Massholes, I'd go out on a limb and say some of the staff are Massholes.  And I am currently reeling in pain, trying to deal with the Massholiness that has come into my life. I'm having a good time...Not.

Brian Wilson:  Maybe he's not born with it, maybe its Just for Men.




-bruiser

My Classy Christmas List

The holiday season is here! A lot of you probably don't know what to get ol' Bruiser here, but no worries! [Look no further than this list to find out what Bruiser does NOT WANT.] I picked out the classiest 'stache gifts of the season:



1. Moustached Cufflinks - Nothing says class act like cufflinks or moustaches, so its only natural that they go so well together. Like peanut butter and jelly.

2. "Ain't ya got a little class to go with that mustache?" Poster - The coolest poster of all time. Hands and staches down.

3. Yosemite Sam Key Ring - It's made of repurposed suede (classy) and thats green, which makes it even more classy.

4. Moustached Glass - The classiest thing to come out of UO ever.

5. Moustached pacifier - I neither have a child nor intend on receiving this item, but if you are a parent struggling with your baby's ugliness or unsuaveness, this may be the answer.

6. Moustached Octopus - There are about 0 animals cooler than the octopus, its so fucking smart it blows my mind. And when they wear moustaches, I reconsider my career path.

7. Moustached Moose Shirt - Mooses are cool shit. I never want to encounter one, but they are about as epic as North America gets. I am inspired to buy a Moose head and attach a moustache to it. Or call the manager of Bugaboo Creek.


Easily the classiest Christmas eva
-bruiser

Minnesota Movember

I apologize for yet another hockey post, but hockey has jumped all over Movember, its just so hard to resist.

The Flyers creamed Minnesota this week, but Minnesota looked better than Philadelphia did. I applaud anyone who can lose in style!

Brent Burns by far has the best 'stache on the team. He looks like a fucking creep, but its actually not the moustache's fault! Impressive!

I lied. It's a total tie with Cal Cutterback. Its like miniature mutton-chops. Mutton-chops for the chin. Movember is all about innovation! I will never get over the novelty of it.




Greg Zanon and Eric Nystrom have excellent moustaches as well, but Cutterback and Burns do stand out for creativity.

Movember is almost over!
-bruiser

I'm Not a Fan Either

Here's another one of those buzz stories. 67-year-old Steven Cowan was a fan of Dancing with the Stars. And he did not approve of Bristol Palin's faildancing, so he pulled out his shotgun and shot his TV. He then turned on his wife and the SWAT team surrounded his house for 15 hours. He will be pleased to now know that she did not faildance her way into the judges hearts cause that biotch came in 3rd!

I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty excited when I realized I would profile Power-Stache's first criminal-stache! Although not a rare breed, the criminal-stache doesn't hang out on People.com or Facebook, so they usually pass me by. The beautiful thing about criminal-staches is that they accentuate the frown and make mugshots even better.

Steven Cowan looks like the kind of guy who would shoot a TV. Sometimes I want to do it too - I'm just glad someone has finally done something about it. Steven Cowan, a champion for the cause! 

The only thing that surprised me about old Steven here is his full head of hair. WTF. How did the trigger-happy, dancing fan get blessed with good hair genes? Life just isn't fair.

Always encouraging moustached ladies and gents to shoot inanimate and animate objects,
-bruiser

That's a REAL Sports Stache

Sorry for being lame recently. You guys deserve an epic sports stache this week - and believe me, it does not disappoint.

For this stache we venture outside of the immense USA across the ocean to Portugal. Google Maps has not figured out how to get between these two countries, if you are interested, which means no jet skiis. Boo.

Football coach and former player, Artur Jorge is the coolest Portugeseian I have ever seen.

He is right up there with Sam Elliott for upper-liplessness - such an important quality! Such a full and dark moustache is too much cool for one coach. The hat seems to be a ladies-deterrent. Do what you can buddy, but I don't think one ill-fitting bucket hat is going to keep the ladies away from that stache for long. Especially with that adidas sweatshirt. Rawr.

This is the first evidence of a quality moustache in the sport of football (aka soccer) to be seen by Power-Stache. Now that I know it exists, more will be uncovered for sure. Until then, you enjoy this BK Triple Stacker - it has bacon on it. Delish.

-bruiser

Writers Have Boring Staches

Peter Ackroyd, critic and biography author, is probz a smart guy. Well, he knows more things than are on Wikipedia (not in sum, that would be whack). And from the two english classes I've taken, I have the understanding that critics are important? The only thing they've ever done for me is give me quotes for papers and waste hours of my life. I mean, that shits bor-ing! But lets venture on under the assumption that they are, in fact, of some importance.

One of his most recent works was "Canterbury Tales - A Retelling". A Retelling? Really? Cause that shit wasn't painful enough to digest the first time around? I'll be honest here, I am a nerd through and through, and I happen to be a fan of some really 'boring' books. So you can believe me when I say its boring, cause it was. And I don't expect any of you to run out to your local library trying to prove me wrong (bonus points if you know where your local library is).

I don't think even I could retell Canterbury Tales in an interesting and captivating way. Not when there's works of art like The Simpsons on every week. Bruiser's retelling would only pale in comparison.

So now that you know everything you need to know about Peter Ackroyd, lets diskuss. Sports anchor stache? Maybe...reminds me of Chris Berman. But that might be the balding. Or the fat. They all blend so well. The plaid suit is unique - that's not a mistake you see everyday.

I'll just lump it into the 'fat man stache' category. They're all essentially the same anyway.

I realize that I said it before, but writers are just so dull! I totally believe that they lead lively and exciting lives, but even PAck couldn't get a heartbeat out of this one. Perhaps his biographies are interesting. I could see that. If you're into that sort of thing.

-bruiser

Flyers Movember Update

So apparently Movember is the trendiest trend since buying lunch at school. That should get rid of the hipsters!

Many of the players have committed to growing moustaches for men's health awareness. But seriously, Keith Jones can't shut up about it, and its blowing up my Facebook newsfeed. This is in addition to Hartnell recently donating his hair to Locks of Love.

And it turns out it isn't going as well as they anticipated. Watch the video below to see what 2 weeks growth looks like for these guys:



Now part of the tradition of Movember is that heinous mustaches are celebrated, as well as the great moustaches we've come to expect. Short story, Carle and Carcillo have the weakest moustaches. This is ironic, because Carcillo has his own t-shirt with the slogan "Fear the Stache". Betts, Richards and Hartnell have the strongest moustaches so far. My bet on best stache is Hartnell, and has been from day 1. So far he hasn't dissapointed.

And here is a video of a few people with a poor sense of humor.



Making fun of the stache, really? You look like a dumbass. Take that stupid thing off and put those fake staches back in your bag, Giroux clearly wants nothing to do with them.

But if my hunch is correct, Canadians, and therefore 99% of hockey players have weak stache skillz. Can't wait to see how this grows in.

-bruiser

Psych and Epic Actor Throwbacks

My favorite show has been neglected for too long. There are about a billion reasons why Psych is the best show ever created, but I'll give you a run-down of the most interesting (and sometimes moustached!) characters. Party on!

Woody the Coroner (played by Kurt Fuller) is my favorite character. Russell is also my favorite character in Wayne's World. [Actor throwback #1] I actually squeal when Shawn and Gus hit up the morgue. Ah, obsessions are good for the soul.

Sorry Dulé, your velvety voice and superior head shape do bring you into a *very* close second. I met the very Chocolate Columbo in person recently, and he does not disappoint. Incredibly charismatic, and the man can say 'whaaat' like no ones business.
And look how awesome this episode is going to be this season! Ovaltine Jenkins sports not only a mustache but an afro as well! I don't know how he got by my Black People Month post, but keep an eye out for the Jackal next year.

Chris Sarandon played Ashton Bonaventure and is by far the most interesting man in the world. I mean, his name is Bon-aventure. Anyone with that name immediately increases in interestingness.  Look at how skillfully he balances the world in his hands! And you know how I feel about full hair at that age. Even Shawn admits that it is superior to his own locks. Definitely one guest star I wouldn't mind seeing return. There is never enough silver in the world. Just sayin'.




Jon Gries looks familiar, no? Thats because he's fucking Uncle Rico. [Actor throwback #2] Yes the very same seller of nylon polymer. The amazing thing about this photo is, Uncle Rico looks so normal and uncle-y! He could be your uncle. Watch your back, if your uncle also looks like this he might peg you in the face with a juicy steak.


Your uncle might be an Uncle Rico if he meets these qualifications: 1) has a moustache, 2) played football, 3) is/was a salesman, and/or 4) is Jon Gries.

Cary Elwes returned for the season premier as Pierre Despereaux, notorious art thief. If Chris Sarandon is the most interesting man in the world, Pierre might be the fanciest man in the world. His moustache certainly qualifies him for fancy stateus! Or maybe to play a part in Fancy Feast commercials? I'm not ragging, I've heard there's good money in cat commercials. Plus, he looks so educated&shit.

And guess what? Another mind-blowing connection! [Actor throwback #3 & #4] Both Chris Sarandon and Cary Elwes were in Princess Bride! It's a good thing that these two weren't in the same episode, shit would have imploded (because according to Dulé, it's better in the inside. Honest to god quote), someone would have been stabbed, and moustaches would have been sacrificed. Not cool.

So watch Psych on Wednesdays at 10 (on USA) and see what kind of hilarious trouble Shawn and John Jacob Jingley-Schmidt will get into. And keep bringing the epic guest stars.

-bruiser

Sports Anchors

Here's the thing about sports anchors/announcers/commentators: they are (usually) retired atheletes who are fat, balding, and out of shape.

Now Chris Berman was not an athelete, but is old, fat, and balding. You say, so what? This happens to everyone.

The point I'm making is that these men are lacking moustaches. Chris Berman had a moustache for a period of time recently - at that point he was guy with moustache. Once he shaved it, he became old, fat announcer guy. A moustache is like a guy's makeup - it hides your flaws and/or distracts from them.

Okay, so he has clearly lost some weight and stopped hitting the tanning bed and gained a few hair plugs. But otherwise, left Chris Berman still looks a whole lot more trustworthy and professional than right Christ Berman. If you have ever been at a loss for an example where moustaches decrease one's creepiness factor, here it is. 

For the sake of all you sportsfans out there, here's hoping Berman's stache comes back.

-bruiser

The man that grows a Mo is only content when all are content.

Hail the Crustache! Free at Last!

We can all stop holding our breath because yesterday Weezy was released from Rikers Island Prison. I mean about freaking time. It has been a long 8 months. And you will all be pleased to know his crustache hasn't left him for another handsomely-tattooed face.

How I've missed that crustache! And chin hair. It's so good to know that nothing has changed - Weezy doesn't miss a beat. Straight back to work - cigar in hand - you know thats the only way to get things done. Cause he's a straight up G.

I'm curious as to how he dealt with codeine withdrawal while in jail. We know that no one was slipping him water bottles of the cherry-flavored good stuff, but for all we know, thats what's in that glass next to him.

His braids have seen better days, something that I am sure is on his posse's to-do list. Let me rephrase that - it is something that better be on his posse's to-do list. You can't let your boy go to court lookin' like he just did hard-time. Oh wait.

Don't fuck it up weezy. We don't have another 8 months to spare you.

-bruiser

A man that grows a Mo is selfless and believes looking out for your fellow gentleman is something you do, not something you must do.

Locks of Love

Scott Hartnell donated his perfect curls last week to Locks of Love. Some kid is going to be extremely lucky to be the recipient of such hair. That isn't any old hair - it has dozens of hockey games and minor injuries to its name. Just think of all the sweat and blood that that head of hair has seen. Again, lucky kid.

My sisters and I have all donated to Locks of Love before, it something that anyone with lengthy hair should do at some point in their lifetime. In a few years (after I've had enough therapy to prevent separation anxiety) I would also like to do it again. Locks of Love better hope Cher doesn't contact me first.

-bruiser


A man that grows a Mo steps up, shines and leads with confidence and style.

MovemberMovemberMovember

It's that time of year. October is unfortunately over, but good news! November Movember is here!

In case you don't know what Movember is all about, men grow moustaches simply to raise awareness for men's health issues. It's like wearing those stupid drug-free ribbons from school, but on your face. Which means its way cooler.

Naturally, this only draws attention if one doesn't normally sport a mustache. However, if one frequents a moustache outside of Movember, its a good idear to sport a different style of moustache (if you need idears, click here).

You may have noticed the Movember picture on the right. Click on it to be directed to Power-Stache's Movember page and donate.

So prepare yourselves, Mo Bros and Mo Sistas! This Movember is gonna be hella fly!

-bruiser

A man that grows a Mo is a natural born leader.

More Evidence that Staches are Muses

Almost as notorious as his Red Hot Chili Pepper counterpart, Anthony Kiedis, for his radical variety of hairstyles, John Frusciante is also not a stranger to the moustache. The thing I've noticed personally about JF's style is that it's a constant cycle - one day he shaves his head, and then he grows it out for a few years until he shaves it again. And my favorite part about all this is that he looks amazing with both buzzed and long hair - and we all know how I feel about long hair. You have to be a special person to pull of a shaved head - or have a genetically-superior shaped head.

Not only is his head superior [and his guitar playing skillz], but his hair growing skillz are also quite exceptional. The man has Nice Hair. Hair so nice I'd consider it greater than my own. I know, it's that good.

                                                                          Here is John at Woodstock.   

Thank GAHD he brought back the mow-hawk (faux-hawk?) - it's been far too long.

At this particular time, JF contemplated growing a moustache. Unfortunately for everyone alive, he happened to ask someone who was not a fan of the stache (blasphemy!) and we poor souls were denied more than his usual scruff (upon further examination, I'd declare it a psuedo-stache. It's really as close as scruff can get).

Maybe it's for the best that the mustache was killed at woodstock - the number of adolescent hipsters exposed to such quality facial hair could have caused an earlier outbreak of hipsterism. And there is nothing ironic about                                                                             that.

Be honest, have you ever seen a cuter pair of bifffles in your life?

In case anyone has ever wondered why By the Way is the best RHCP album, look no further than this particular photo. That moustache is the fur that forged 1000 riffs. Or something like that. As I've said before, moustaches foster creativity and are highly-correlated with great art, THUS the superiority of that album is due to the catalyst known as that good-lookin' stache. And by good-lookin' I mean great, highly attractive, sexy, or if you are not american, smashing and/or brilliant.

But I am sad. Sad because this is the only photo I've ever seen of the endangered Frusciante stache. Where did it go? If it still exists, what threats are to it presently? What about future threats, such as razor blades and lack of proper trimming? What can be done to ensure it persists into the next generation? If anyone has seen the elusive stache, please comment with a link to the evidence!

And here is a more current photo. If for some reason you aren't obsessively watching his every move, here's the lowdown - he quit RHCP to pursue his other musical interests - artistic or otherwise. And the reason why JF is my favorite musician is because he truly considers music to be an art and takes it very seriously. His best work is closely associated to this 'creating art' idea.

And you can see that he has been extremely creative because of the length of his beard. He looks like 'Father Art' to me. I can feel the groovy vibes radiating from it. I just hope that this is nearing the end of his hair-growth cycle. Everyone can appreciate a freshly shaved John.

Enthusiastically awaiting new facial hair/hair cut/album
-bruiser

Phinal Awkward Players

The Phils are done for the season. So now its time to briefly summarize the rest of the noteworthy facial hairs of the team.

Some of you may have noticed a few soul-patches out there. Obviously this is very unsophisticated facial hair - that goes without saying. What I did want to point out to you was this strange similarity:

 Chase Utley is the spawn of Brad Lidge + Raul Ibanez. That is all.

Remember that song - Pants on the Ground? Thats what Ryan Howard reminds me of. Fix your damn hat, son.

I actually like Shane Victorino's chin fur. Not in general practice since moustaches are far superior, but I think it suits him well. And sometimes thats the most important thing.

And Jimmy Rollins - the precision - the man understands detail. And where detail is important. And detail is ALWAYS important on one's face.

So bravo! You by far have the best facial hair on the Phils - not the hardest competition to win, but it should still be worth something. Like a sticker. Or the satisfaction that you don't look like a multi-million dollar fool.





-bruiser

Curry's Cleric-Stache

I don't know if I've mentioned before that I have a few "obsessions". And by 'a few' I naturally mean over 100. And probably about half of these are what I call "boyfriends". Don't ask me to explain it, but I do really have 50 boyfriends and none of them (I hope!) know about it....which explains why I just don't have time for a real boyfriend.

One of those "boyfriends" is the charming Tim Curry. What a guy! Not to mention his acting skillz. Or his multiple moustaches. Exhibit A:

Who else can act opposite Charlie Sheen (everyone) and Kiefer Sutherland (no one, hint, another boyfriend) and whatshisface (who cares). The man is trying to single-handedly take over the French empire and almost succeeds (it's okay, Kiefer makes a really awesome musketeer).

What I love about his cleric-stache is the precision it has. And perfect symmetry just scratches the surface. The salt&pepper goatee, the unusual proportion of moustache:chin hair, the oiled curls, and the Vatican lapels. Sexy as hell.

And the thing about Curry's moustaches is that he doesn't need them, they are more of an accessory. You know he has a boudoir in his walk-in closet where he keeps his various moustaches and beards under lock and key. It's similar to Cher's wig closet. Or Davy Jones's locker.

-bruiser

Awkward Phillies Player #3: Jayson Werth

So the Phillies are among the final four teams right now. And that's cool. I mean, they kindof deserve it with the best record in the league and all. Even though they did fuck up real bad for like 2.5 straight months, they appurantly rocked the rest of the season. So we will continue with the awkward players series.

Everyone loves themselves some Jayson Werth Beardage. And Hairage...Said the liar.

This picture is actually a really nice one of Werth. Like I'd probably frame that shit if I were his mom. And hang it right next to his first little-league team photo.

But I have to warn you - although the weirdo photographer who took these team photos seemed to really be able to capture the worst side of everyone's face, he accidently did a good jorb here. 

This, unfortunately, is something Werth realized. Not to be outdone by any of his fellow teammates, Werth brought the awkardness upon himself. View the awkwardness:

Seriously Werth? I know that holding the sign is obligatory or something, in case they forget who you are, but did you really have to hold the sign up to your chin? Are you trying to measure the growth of your beard? Cause I'm pretty sure it's growing just fine on its own. Just a guess.

With that being said - Werth probably has the best beard in baseball. Truthfully, they are a rare sight to see on bat-wielding men, but of the few, Werth's definitely stands out. Here it's probably due to the billy-goat-tip he is trying to develop, but in general, it's due to the visionary trip people experience while he runs the bases. Like on the scale of Bo Derek.

And although he is having a similar religious experience to Halladay and Madson, I like this shot because you can see his curls unlike in the last two shots. And curly hair is pretty lovely, like I'm obsessed with it due to the natural lack of disulfide bonds in my own locks, but the grass is always greener, right?

I've also been told that he's my boyfriend Ville Leino's doppelganger. I can kind of see the similarity, and he probably is the best doppelganger out there, but I don't think they're that similar. What do you think?


-bruiser

That's A Dope Stache You Have There

Eric Clapton is obsessed with mustaches. And its cool 'cause I'm obsessed with Eric Clapton.

It's in the way that you use it. 

He looks GOOD. I mean back in the day. And today too. He's pretty much a 60 year old dreamboat. Hes aged really well for being a victim of the 60s.

But this album cover! Looks a little like Jesus to me. Which is simply due to the long hair/beard combination christians have propagated for eternity. Either way, his hair is GORGE. I want to pet it. And thats a long-lookin' stache. It's actually pretty serious. Can you imagine witnessing the blues come out of that thing in its prime? I mean, I would actually have fainted, but in theory, its a nice thing to imagine staying conscious to see.
It is difficult to discern (what a large word!) where his hair ends and his beard begins. Which is awesome and should be patented to fat women with high levels of testosterone. Instant face thinning and an attractive beard? Bonus!


When he was with Cream, they smoked a lot of who-knows-what and wrote a song called SWLABR. Now kids, if you think anything on this blog is remotely messed up, try writing a song that's title is an acronym. I think it's weird, but technically it's probably dope. (It stands for 'She Walks Like A Bearded Rainbow' btws).

And in SWLABR, Cream refers to a girl (clearly a heartbreaker) who APPURANTLY was a fake. BIG F-ING SURPRISE THERE. Wow. Thats so rare! A girl who turned out to be a liar. Because I've never heard that one before.
So anyway, they say that shes like a picture with a mustache or a rainbow with a beard or something. Which makes sense. If she wore a mustache/beard, it means that shes super-attractive on the outside but just a stupid double rainbow painting on the inside. And no one wants that. Cause who knows what it means anyway?

Hey Clapton, we all know that Flavor-Saver is saving more than that burrito. That's clever.

-bruiser

Awkward Phillies Player #2: Roy Halladay

Would you believe the coincidences that are my life?
Roy Halladay, the semi-beard that I intended on diskussing today happens to have had his 2nd no hitter this year. I mean, all I wanted to say was that his scruff is really nice, but he happens to look good without it too.

And truthfully, this is even less of a coincidence than Finn's grilled cheesus this week on Glee. Except that grilled cheeseus answered my havarti prayers and convinced Ville Leino to grow back his playoff beard - its been only 2 weeks since I saw him on the news sans beard. How freaky is that?

But back to Roy Halladay. Way to tell the rest of the league to cram it by showing them all up with a no-hitter in game 1. That's the kind of confidence I like to see.

...And here are those awkward photos I promised. Just to make sure all you Phillies phans know he's human and does take awkward photos when forced. So you can stop praying to your Halladay jerseys now.


I guess now would be the appropriate time to say the following: That's really nice scruff you've got growing on there, and I'd call it 1/2 a beard officially. The length is Ideal. I mean, the saturation does wonders for it here. But I personally like Roy sans-beard because it makes him unique looking and the scruff just hides that.

And that's coming from a girl whose latino mami called her 'exotic looking'. No one has ever appreciated their german schnaze more (except Hitler! BADUM-TISH).

I sincerely apologize for the anti-semitic nature of my tasteless jokes. Shit's not kosher.



With that said, I probably can squeeze out one more remark about these stupid pictures.

Ummm.......DON'T MESS IT UP.

That's all I got. Sorry.

-bruiser

Jakey Gyllenhaal

So Jake Gyllenhaal REALLY likes his facial hair. A lot. And by that I mean that I can't name any other movie besides Donnie Darko in which he is not sporting facial hair. Bubble boy?

And thank Gawd for his love of facial hair. 'Cause Power-Stache loves him (and by Power-Stache I mean me. It's a personal preference).

I'm not going to beat you with in-depth analysis of Gyllenhaal beards and staches...today. I'll just update you on his current stateus.

View the hair - who is this man's stylist? Antoine Dodson? 'Cause that shit looks Noicce!!! That hair is Angel-Soft. Whereas the beard is Brawny strong (clearly.) Everyone is nagging on him for being a lumberjack. Does anyone even know what a lumberjack looks like? 1 - the wear plaid. So he's clearly not a lumberjack. 2 - they have hair thats straight-up gnasty. 3 - they don't know what conditioner is. Jake is not a lumberjack.

I think the beard makes him looks cuddly [I'm not the only person who thinks in this manner - someone in my writing class evaluated my professor and commented that his beard made him seem 'nice'.] Cuddly like Corduroy. I mean, the man clearly isn't exerting his dominance over anyone. So trying to reel in the ladies with his masculine beard is probably the best answer. They love his green overalls.

Dear Jake - here is formal notice that your hair and I are in a relationship. It's as close as I can get to 'facebook official'.

-bruiser

Awkward Phillies Player #1: Ryan Madson

So this morning I hit the Sports Stache picture jackpot. Not only are they of fantastic quality, they are also some of the most awkward professional pictures you have ever seen. Presenting Phillies Stache Sundays sprinkled with a little bit of awkwardness! You can view the whole gallery here, if you want to ruin the fun of unveiling a new photo each week. So don't do it. I just feel obligated to post a link.

So why phillies? For multiple weeks? Well, appurantly theyre in first place, which is undoubtably nawt a surprise to my family, and I still don't really care. Its just so boring! But theses photos are so far from boring, hence the series of posts.

Awkward Player #1: Ryan Madson

 In order to truly capture the awkwardness, view photo #1 and photo #2 together.  Look at how distracted he is while posing in a false pitching stance. He looks like he's making goggly-eyes at some girl with big chachis in the stands next to home base. Or witnessing an alien abduction. This picture screams less 'professional baseball pitcher' and more 'adult halloween costume'.

Look at photo #2. This one looks like he is having a religious experience. Madson - don't you realize that connecting with the big man upstairs on a baseball field is so cliché? I mean, its been done. Circa 1994.

You may also note the digital colorization of these pics. I honestly think that really puts the awkwardness over the top. The black back-drop and the bright lighting screams broadway-production, no? And then the color is completely washed away in the head shot. Nice. Not only is he the star of a hit musical, he also looks like a malnourished villager that has been photographed by National Geographic.

I will say that the saturation really brings out his scruff. Looks Good. And excellent use of product placement. Nike will be proud.

-bruiser

Sexy Bears with Beards and Staches

I am so in love with Blogger's 'Stats' page they added recently. It tracks all of your blog traffic and gives you general information about your readers. It's far less stalkerish than I usually like to be, but it actually shows that more people love Power-Stache than my other stalker websites. And I have some serious stalker-skillz. I can find anyone on Facebook as long as I have two pieces of information about them. Impressive, right? I'm a weird creeper, cause I actually don't give two shits about anything that a Facebook page divulges other than a full name usually. In truth, its more for academic purposes - getting email addresses for group work and such. I know, lame right? My nerdiness and sense of responsibility will be my downfalls, I'm sure of it.

Now that I may or may have not sufficiently convinced you all that my Facebook creeping is innocent in nature, we can get back to the topic at hand - blogger stalking. It really just feeds my narcism. That and my family usually. If your family doesn't tell you how awesome you are all the time, get a new one. And if your family doesn't appreciate facial hair, get a new one. And if your family doesn't approve of you marrying your hockey-player-husband in your dreams, you may want to consider exchanging them as well. I know I have. Oh well. I digress. Again.

My favorite part of following what people do online is that I sometimes get to know what one searches in order to get to my blog. And because they are quite hilarious, I am going to share it all with you! I'm too kind, I know.


What kind of class does this institute solicit?  I really just don't want to know.

1.) the Jersey Shore has infiltrated my pristine temple to facial hair. 

2.) power stache - obvi 

3.) "big hair" mascot furs is EVERYTHING that this blog is about. Fact. I just wonder how far gone you have to be to type that specific combination of words into a search engine. What exactly are you expecting to find? 

4.) i totally ate at a football. How the FUCK does this search lead one to Power-Stache? There are just no words. 

5.) muskrats mustache makes sense, but why would anyone desire to view a muskrat's mustache? 

6.) clearly.

7.) rape stache. Interesting choice of words. I mean, we have discussed the rape stache which did not get Power-Stache's seal of approval. But there are so many better staches to view.

8.) sexy bears with beards and staches sounds like I need to expand my subject matter. Not only is there a market for bears with beards AND staches, but there is also a market for sexy bears. I may have hit the jackpot with that one.

9.) this ones probably from myself. whoops

10.) this one is definitely an international search. Which means Power-Stache is important. Likely from my excessive and tasteful use of italacks. 

-bruiser

Hockey Hair

It's that time again! Hockey's preseason has started - the NHL's draftees are getting hardcore ice time and  its about time we find latest and greatest hockey hair. [Playoff beards in approximately t-minus 225 days!] I have yet to find such hair (or facial hair for that matter) but that just means we should delve into the hair nets of yore. Introducing luscious hair owner Guy LaFleur!

Guy LaFleur, aka "the flower", was incredibly talented back in the day. I can only imagine he was called the flower because of his streaming gold hair that floated behind him as he flew down the ice. Must have been mesmerizing, and probably smelled like lilacs. So mesmerizing, in fact, that competitors likely resorted to poorly thought out threats like the ones from White Goodman "You're going down, LaFleur! You're going down like a sweet muffin!". If I were a defenseman, I'd definitely tell him to "cram it up your cramhole LaFleur" moments before a hit. 'Cause you can't mess with that kind of talent. And you definitely can't mess with flowers. God looks down on people who mess with his flowers.


-bruiser

This Is News

So I'm not a fan of the news...the media blows things out of proportion and causes stress to everyone who watches it. Plus none of it is ever relevant or remotely exciting. I have better things to do with my time. So apparently everyone else in the world knows about the Koran burning sensation thats jiving the nation. Except me. Now I know, from my love of viral videos. And the fact that this kid I met on a walk was talking about the 'guy with the awesome mustache burning the Koran'. And apparently that man is Terry Jones.

This dude was preachin' the truth: Terry Jones does have an awesome mustache. Fact.

There is just so much going on here. First the excellent salty handlebar mustache. Then the facial hair parenthesis he's got going on. Next, he probably needs to cut his hair more neatly before going to media events. Otherwise, excellent aging on his part. It shows experience, but not a whole lot of tanning in his hayday. Which is probably just from botox.

Not only do I have better things to do than watch/read the news, I also don't have time to check facts that I might have skimmed over while looking for pics. So appurantly this guy did nawt go through with the Koran burning like he does every year because of the spectacle he turned it into. Naturally this is all due to his 'stache. Any high-quality mustache is enough to make people offend both race and religion (see: Adolf Hitler).

So this shit caught on like a good-sized religious book fire. And every one was under the spell of the stache. Except for this guy in Texas. He cannot fall under the spell of a good mustache because hes a hipster and thats ironic.

Jacob Isom rescued the Koran from an unholy toasting grabbing it from a bbq. Nice. Since hipster mustaches don't count, we can't really discuss it, but he does have a rattail. Which makes me want to give him a high-five. Way to look like an idiot and ruin a protest. Isom is the greatest hipster alive.

-bruiser